having thoughts of "god". feeling my inclinations shuffle around again.
look, i'm a southerner, okay. by some odd stroke, i just missed the actual involvement-in-the-church part. but just like everyone else here, a whole hell of a lot of my usual vocabulary is full of "god", "jesus", "christ", "lord", "mercy", "bless", etc etc
sometimes i wonder who the hell i think i'm talking to when i say these things.
i say "godbless" a lot. who's god, when it comes from my mouth? who am i to say blessings?
my continued atheism-practicality mix is a blend of several things:
1. sheer disbelief; cannot wrap my head around or trust many things. i am not one to suspend my disbeliefs, and yet i understand the nature of 'having faith' being the 'faithful [in existence of]" part
2. don't want to; i don't want to. Lol.
3. wrestling with spiritual things and ancestry; mostly pertains to my trace southeastern native american ancestry, and my being [mixed] african american, and my thoughts of pre-christian eastern europe, and my spoonful of scottish ancestry, and the unanswered question of 'was [x] part of our family once jewish? okay it pertains to most things. i have a strong belief in learning about these things and paying homage to them, even if i don't believe in them.
4. keeping a clear mind when fixated; world religions are my thing. one of my special interests. when i am fixated on islam one month, orthodoxy the next, catholicism the next, and so on, i cannot just jump the gun. of course i'll start to worry that my soul is being called to (insert faith) when i've been maddeningly fixated on it. if i ever chose a religious path, it would be after a long, long period of arduous thought and self-examination
sometimes, though, i feel that when i say "godbless," there should be a god to back it up
