Words From My Heart @itsjustinschea - Tumblr Blog

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It’s been two years since i last been on here. It’s crazy how time flies. Things are different now. Been a whole lot of good and bad experiences. Mostly bad. Readjusting back to life after a year of being in jail is not as easy as i’d thought it would initially be. Thought i could just jump right back in and get started with my life as i usually do but this isn’t the case. I’m full of dread, guilt, depression, resentment, anxiety, racing thoughts, vulnerability, disappointment, and stuff i don’t even know the words for. I thought i had become stronger as a person but mostly i just feel broken. I don’t want to be seen as weak to anyone but there are some things i cannot hide. I guess being on quarantine has its perks since i’m not around anyone and they can’t see me be depressed or know i’m feeling empty and broken. I don’t know what i need. Love, comfort, quality time, or even just a physical touch of some sort but all i know is i need something and if i don’t find it soon, the same destructive behaviors i had previously will slowly come back. I’m already thinking of them as i write. I pray to god i get the help i need.

For the last two months i have just been slowly dying. Wanting to kill myself constantly and being drained mentally, emotionally, and physically. Every single day for the last two months have been nothing but drama and heartache back to back. i honestly don’t know why i’m continuing to let this happen.

The smart move would be to leave for my own sanity but idk why i’m constantly choosing to be in pain and consistently feeling hurt. You would think i’d want to leave but i don’t know why i stay. It’s not love anymore. Its fear at this point.

I need to decide if what i am doing is worth it or not. Sacrificing my life goals and dreams and future endeavors just for someone who i don’t even know will be committed to me fully.

we are two totally different people with many flaws and contrasting beliefs and nothing has ever come to a resolution whenever we try to find a reasonable solution.

I should just leave but i don’t know why i can’t.

Throughout my entire life, i have always wanted someone to go to whenever i needed help. Whether it was family or a friend i just needed that someone.

But now i’ve realized that i honestly can’t rely on anyone. It’s just me, myself, and I in this game of life and i’m the only one there for me. I wanted someone to reach out to me and check up to see if i was okay, bc i honestly wasn’t, and not to my surprise i got nothing. I can always fix my current mindset and think of ways to make myself better. I was depressed again for approximately 3 weeks and now i’ve just been more content with things and my whole positive mindset came back.

The only struggle i have been dealing with lately is just stress. Work has been stressing me out to the fullest and exhausting me mentally and physically. But this is a chance for me to grow as a person, a good worker, and a great opportunity to become a leader.

I have really high expectations to meet and i know i can do it. I just have to mentally get my head in the game and focus on the long run; not the quarter mile. It’s gonna be a stressful road but i will reach the finish line.

Even when i ask for help, no one cares. So who do i turn to?

i’m tired of being strong. i’m tired of not ever needing someone and relying on myself. I’m tired of always being the one to tell me i’m okay. I want someone to hug me. I want someone to hold my hand. i want someone to tell me it’s going to be okay. i want someone to hold me and just comfort me.

Peyton was right in One Tree Hill.

People always leave.

I want love. I want affection. I want a family. I want something long lasting. I want a hug. I want a kiss. I want to hold hands. I want to have to make plans for special occasions. I want to go on adventures. I want to surprise them at random moments to make them smile. I want to hear about your day. I want to wipe away your tears. I want to make you feel better. I want to cook for you. I want to watch movies with you. I want to stay in bed all day and order take out and watch tv in our pajamas. I want pillow talk. i want late night conversations. I want the arguments. I want the one worded text messages. i want the good morning and goodnight messages. I want the disagreements. I want to hope for the future. I want to plan how i will ask you to marry me. I want the engagement. I want the wedding. I want joint ownership of a house. I want to discuss baby names. I want to pick out baby clothes. I want to decorate our house together. I want those late night work days and you’re tired and i give you a massage to relax. I want cuddles. I want to plan trips together. I want to notice when you cut your hair. I want to gas you up when you get ready. I want the early morning bad breath, messy hair and bare face look. i want the oversized t shirt and barely awake look.

I just want it all. The good and the bad. I just want someone to love.

ithelpstodream

After that night there was nothing i wanted more than to go back. Go back to the way things were. It made me feel everything all over again and i actually felt a feeling that i never thought i’d feel again. It made me miss you. It made me miss us. But there was a moment when you fell asleep and gave little snores and i knew at that moment that now is the time. Now is the time i pray to God. and so i did.

I prayed for you. I prayed that everything will come into place for you. I prayed that you find your peace and come to terms with yourself. I prayed that God give you the strength that you need to move forward. I prayed God to give you the motivation you need to be successful. I prayed that God give you the encouragement to push you through school and achieve your goals of becoming a teacher. But most importantly... I prayed that you are happy because in all honesty, deep down i still love you and i’m still in love with you after all this time. I never felt more safe than when i was with you. I never felt my heart feel full for a long time. I felt extremely scared because i know this feeling won’t happen again. I felt hurt because i know you don’t feel the same way at all.

I kept wanting to ask you if there was a chance that maybe we maybe we could get back together in the future. I kept wanting to ask if i could kiss you. I kept wanting you closer. I kept bugging you bc i know you’d laugh and i missed that sound. i missed your voice. But i was afraid to know the answers...

My heart is heavy and my my chest feels empty right now bc im scared you’ll read this and not talk to me again because i’ve really enjoyed talking to you often...

I’m only hurting myself feeling and thinking this way but it’s a feeling i’ve gotten used to hiding. Pretending that i don’t think about you day and night and i actually wait to see if you’d text me or ask to hangout.

It’s been almost three years since we broke up and i still love you just as much as i did before. I don’t know if i could ever love anyone else the same or as much. Id watch you be with other guys and help you with your problems with them if that meant you’d still be in my life. As much as it would hurt, i love you enough to see you gain your happiness even if it’s not with me. I just want you to be happy.