Her Truth, My Truth
I loved her more than my friends, my family or myself. She was everything to me. I needed to breathe her more than I needed the air that filled my lungs. I needed her in my heart more than the blood that pumped through it. But I had to let her go. She felt like an addiction I could no longer control. Her kiss was the fix I needed, just a little bit I would tell myself. It’s just that the kiss always led to another and another. The next thing I knew she was inside my bed. She was in my head as much as my body. Saying I was hers was an understatement. How could I love her, I couldn’t even love myself. I would do anything to keep her.
I met her by chance. It’s funny, I met her as someone else. Let me explain, I was pretending to be a better version of myself. At least that’s what I told myself. Some would say the best version of yourself is to just be yourself. With her I couldn’t do that. I could never show her the real me. I couldn’t let her see my weakness. She seemed too perfect, too beautiful, too everything I was never suppose to have. I watched her for hours before I could build up the courage to begin to even think I was clever enough to speak to her. I felt like I was on a computer and clicked her link with my approach because all of a sudden her focus was all on me. I can’t even remember the first thing I said to her because of all the nerves. Apparently it was funny because that’s the one thing I’ll never forget, is that smile on her face.
From that moment on we texted every day and all day long. My phone would beep and I would instantly start to smile. I felt like a child with a puppy crush. It started off with a genuine friendship that gradually turned into something more, something unexpected. I always had this passion for her, but she didn’t first see me like that. I was her corky friend that she could be her true self around. All the while I was a phony, a fake. My intention from the start wasn’t pure to her, but it was pure in heart. I can’t deny I didn’t want more than what I was getting. I can’t deny the fact that I would do whatever I could to call her mine.
I can not really tell where it changed for her. But you could tell in the way we talked to each other that it was something more than just an ordinary friendship. The first time I expressed my feelings, it felt like a thousand pound weight was resting on my chest. I could feel the trickle of sweat falling from my forehead and down my cheek. While I sat there on the phone with her, I would catch myself biting my lip with nervousness. Resting the phone between my ear and shoulder, to keep my hands from shaking. I would just kept cracking my knuckles and fingers until there wasn’t any pops left in them.
We could talk about everything and anything. There would be days I would get lost in our conversations. I couldn’t believe I would do nothing but talk to her. When we would finally meet up, it was like we were awkward middle schoolers. It’s like we both found sneaky ways to end up grazing each other. I’ll never forget our first kiss. We were in my car. I sat in the driver’s seat and she was in the passenger’s. I can remember every movement of her face but I was so focused on her lips that I didn’t hear a word she said. I don’t know where the courage came from, but I just went for it. I could feel my heart pounding outside my chest as our lips finally met. I don’t think I’ll ever be as happy as I was in that moment with her. I wish I could hold on to that moment and play it over and over so I️ could never make another memory.
But this story isn’t about happy moments her and I shared. This is the whole truth, our fairy tale begin and our tragic end. I know I was happier with her, but I know now she’s moved on to someone new. I knew one day she’d fall for someone new. I just didn’t think it would have been so fast and go so deep. I see she’s married now with kids and believe me I’m happy for her. I just, I just truly thought it’d be with me. I️ know no one would hurt her like me, I️ know no one would love her like I️ do.
I wish I could let go like she did. I remember the excuses she’d start to mae, like her mom was mad at her so we couldn’t hang out. I remember when her job became more time consuming. She had to start focusing more on her and less on us. We started going hours without talking and then days. She stopped being there when I needed her the most. My heart started to fall apart as fast as it came together. I remember the night we broke up. We were in my car, she wouldn’t let me hold her hand. The weather became very cold and I began to shiver. I wanted to drink and she didn’t. In that moment I stopped thinking of her needs and focused on mine. I started the car and drove to the closest gas station. I told her to wait in the car and I’d be right back. I bought some vodka and some pills. I wanted to drown my sorrows. I wanted to numb my cracking heart.
When I got back in the car, I started drinking as if it was my oxygen. She got pissed and yelled at me to take her home. I drove slow because I knew the second she got out, I wouldn’t see her again. I knew I couldn’t bare the sight of her smile for someone else. I told her, I felt sick. She told me to come in but I had to leave the first thing in the morning. We walked quietly to her room. When she closed the door, I asked her if I kiss her, would she kiss me back? She said yes, but don’t. She changed and I don’t just mean her clothes. Something happened and she couldn’t just be honest with me. She laid down and I lied next to her with my arms crossing over my chest. She fell asleep first and shortly after did I. I don’t know when it happened, but she was in my arms. Our fingers were intertwined, locked in like I thought our hearts were.
When we woke up, I could feel her body jerk away from me. I wish I knew what I did to have her just stop loving me. What did I do wrong? I thought long and hard about all of my flaws and started to believe I wasn’t good enough. It had nothing to do with me, but her. They were her flaws that broke us. She cared more about what others thought of us than what we thought of us. When I got up the next morning, she begged me not to leave her life. Even though she knew it couldn’t work romantically for us, she didn’t want to lose me as a friend. She spoke like she wanted us to go back to what we were before. How could I do that? In that moment, I didn’t want to lose her either from my life so I quietly agreed.
We texted here and there, well I texted her here and there. She’d respond for awhile and like that just stopped. I was confused and angry and said things I didn’t mean, so she blocked me from everything. She just couldn’t understand what it was like to love someone who just stopped loving you back. She couldn’t understand what it meant to hurt so bad inside that you wanted the source of that pain to hurt too. I told her I was sorry for the things I said, but it was too late. She changed her number and blocked me from every social media account she had. I just wanted to die. Those thought of feeling worthless started to over power my will to live. I was addicted, I was an addict. I was out of my mind and just watching myself disappear into someone I couldn’t recognize.
A friend tried for months to make me feel better. It would work in the moment but would never last longer than a night. I remember the night we saw each other again. I remember when I saw her, she was with her friends. I couldn’t believe I forgot her birthday. I wanted to run up to her so bad and just give her a hug. But I kept quiet hoping she wouldn’t see me, well she did. I was so hammered that I just stood there and stared at her as she yelled at me. Her friends surrounded me shouting hateful things like I did something to her. She was the one who broke my heart. I didn’t want to cry about her anymore, I didn’t want this. I️ wanted nothing more than to just love her. When I finally wrapped my head around what was going on, she was gone and I was being escorted out the bar.
We met again outside and I lost my mind again. I watched her get into the car and I knew I shouldn’t have, but I went to the door and opened it. I just wanted one more sight of those eyes and it was confirmed how cold the stare truly was. That would be the last time we’d see each other. I guess it was best we didn’t see each other around. It would just break me down each and every time. It’s true what they say, when a heart breaks, it don’t break even.
My truth is this, I didn’t start off being the person I truly was with her. Yes that was my fault, I should have been more upfront. I came clean towards the end and she said she loved me anyways. I started with the lie, but she ended with it. She spoke her lie to friends and family, claiming I was just obsessed with her and made this all up in my head. I️ wish she knew, that really hurt. I couldn’t fake this pain. I couldn’t fake the times we shared in my home, in my heart. She lives her lie every day she kisses her new love. For the longest time I wondered if she thought about me, but now a days, I could care less. I hate her, I love her, I hate that I love her. I really don’t want to, but I can’t feel anything from anyone but her.
I know one day I’ll feel that way for someone else, but I fucked around and got attached to her. I’ll find someone who will appreciate me, I know I’ll find someone who will love me and I’ll love that person back. I just wish I could have known from the start that it was all just a game. I was some experience, when she was my existence. It’s okay, I’ll be okay. She on the other hand will unfortunately always be her.
