Nic

Just a nerdy midwestern enby queer who lifts & likes girls; I choke on my words, so I write. (Just search #Nic here for my stuff) 📚🏋️🏳️‍🌈🌽🖋 🎧🥾🧘🏉🧿🏳️‍⚧️☕️

[nic-because-gay]

“But I’m still time zones away

From who I was the day before we met

You were the first mile

Where my heart broke a sweat

And I wish you were here

I wish you’d never left

But mostly I wish you well

I wish you my very very best”

-Andrea Gibson

[nic-because-gay]

The Void

How do you fill the emptiness inside when your person can’t be your person anymore?

How do you find yourself again after that void has eaten all of who you used to be?

How do you know what you actually want when you have lived the majority of your life doing what other people wanted?

How do I learn to be a person when all I am is a void?

[nic-because-gay]

[nic-because-gay]

I know it’s depression brain, but it sucks. I just want to close my eyes and sleep and sleep and sleep forever. Everything is too big and too hard and too much.

I live in the cage I’ve built. Home isn’t home anymore, only sometimes it is. But underneath the rug that says

Home

are the splinters that threaten to break us apart. Swept there with the dust of unresolved conflicts and the mess of unfinished conversations.

You’re fine. I’m fine. We’re fine.

I hate the word fine! Fine is never okay. Fine is never good. Fine is barely surviving. Fine is simply managing to exist until it’s over, until the end. Until the next time you say it’s over and I move back into my apartment.

How am I supposed to feel safe here again?

You claim to love all of me and that included me being poly. But, as it turns out, not if poly means anything more than casual sex with a faceless person now and again. Not if poly means love for another human. Not if poly means time away from us. Not if poly means me.

So, I have to change and not be me in order for us to make it, in order to give you the relationship you truly want, in order to find that home with you.

Later, later, we’ll just sweep that under the rug and deal with it later. Let’s just be happy and live in the now while that rug covers up all the ways we will break when we look at the truth of us.

I feel hopeless when you ask what’s wrong. How can I tell you about the mess building under the rug? So, I just shrug and say, “Nothing,” even though we both know it’s a lie. “Look outside, it’s such a nice day.”

[kaytpoems]

kaleidoscope of yesterdays

they are a colorful mural 

against my wandering 

vision, and i’m not sure

if i should appreciate the

beauty, or burn the artwork.

~K.T.

[nic-because-gay]

Here is

Here is 

where I've fallen for you.

Here is 

me wanting to see more of you.

Here is 

me dreaming of things 

better left unsaid at this time.

Here is 

my chest, 

a waterfall of tremors, 

my emotions washing 

through my core.

Here is 

my eyes squeezed shut 

and my jaw clenched 

and shaky breaths 

as I try to hold myself together 

as you whisper things in my ear...

words that threaten to shatter 

the façade I've hidden behind.  

Here is

feeling the waves of euphoria 

and yearning 

wash over me 

hearing you say 

you would love to introduce me 

as your girlfriend.

Here is

knowing I want that too.

Here is

me struggling to go slow.

Here is

me wanting to uncover the soft 

and deep parts of you.

I may not yet know where there is,

but I do know

I love being

here

with you.

[nic-because-gay]

Nevermore

I saw the shadows of pain

behind your eyes

you enhanced with eyeliner

painted lines sharp as

the letters on my screen

that read, “No.”

When I asked,

“Are you still in love with me?”

Only months after the night

you cried, “Yes…”

into my ear when I asked,

“Will you marry me?”

while our naked bodies became one

your skin

smooth beneath mine

your hair

silk between my fingers

your eyes

storms of grey

stirring us both into a tempest

collapsing together

exhausted

elated

one

[nic-because-gay]

The Wind

Are you also the wind?

Passing through places

Swirling around people

Always going

Moving

Never staying

For the wind doesn’t exist unless it’s moving

Invisible

Except when it carries cast aside pieces of paper

Or abandoned plastic bags

Fallen leaves

Lost things

Dead things

Forgotten things

The wind is cold

It isn’t the wind if it’s warm

People welcome the breeze

They pull their jackets tighter

To shield against the wind

But if you are also the wind,

We could make the leaves rustle

And dance

We could make the waves swell

And crest

We could make the grasses bend

And sway

We could make beauty

From the stillness

Come blow with me.

[nic-because-gay]

Tsunami of My Heart

The pain hits like a tsunami

everything in my insides

is pulled out of me

away

into the sea

the bare bones of the floor of me exposed

vulnerable

too oblivious to know

I should be running

away

I chase the receding sea

as a child

obliviously exploring uncovered shells

then the wave hits me

the sadness

crashing

over my head

I am no longer floating

I am drowning

drowning in the sorrow

drowning in the pain

the sobs wracking my body

the last convulsions before

the end (of us)

[nic-because-gay]

I Wander & Wonder

Stuck

in my mind

I get the most lost

on the days I didn’t see it coming

Today I was

unprepared

for this journey

I have not shoes on my feet for the sharp stones

nor jacket on my shoulders for the brisk breeze

neither light from my torch for the deep darkness.

I cannot see the truth of now

through the curtains of questions

pulled closed over the windows to

Me

[nic-because-gay]

Every Time

She breathes in…she breathes out

I feel her chest expand into mine

Before retreating back into hers

The weight of her body grounding me

As she lay atop my breast

The crown of her head

Nestled perfectly

Against the kiss of my lips

The warmth of her heart

The only blanket

I need against my skin

For the first time, my Doubtful is silent.

For the first time, my Caution is asleep.

For the first time, my Avoidance is missing.

There is but one

Unanimous message

Echoing throughout my body

This one.

It has always been this one.

Every time.

She is not always her.

And I am not always me.

Yet the resonance created

When our vibrations meet

Is a perfect harmony

I remember the feel of

Every time

[nic-because-gay]

We Are

I am light

Born by the fire of a burning star

She is sea

Filled with the tears shed by the glowing moon

[nic-because-gay]

I Am

I am

Brave

Fearless

Unattached

Numb

But you shattered my façade

And when I swept aside the pieces

I felt them cut into me

I felt the blood coat my skin

Those lies I had held so fast

I uncovered my soul clenching one truth

So tight

Pried it from my bleeding fingers

Nobody would truly love me enough to

Stay

It may be different now

But you stayed

And now

I’m afraid

I’m afraid

I’m afraid

[nic-because-gay]

Gone Squad

A squad carved apart with silence

Silence as sharp as the cold I breathe into my lungs

Onnes liquifies the breath I hold waiting to hear your voice again, but absolute zero has nothing left to give

My chest, void of everything but the stretch marks left behind from the times you filled my heart with so much happy

Before the day it froze in the ice storm and you dropped it to shatter on the floor

This silence the armor worn to protect your cold shoulder from the infinite void of space that separates us as I stand next to you

Hatred and loathing in those eyes which once laughed so big whenever we were in sight

The heat of the anger in that stare still not enough to melt the past between us

[nic-because-gay]

A Poem I Shouldn’t Write

I am numb

I cannot let myself feel

For when I do

My chest collapses

Into the black hole

Where my heart once beat

My fingers drip bloody tears

For the treachery they have effected

My tongue decays beneath shards

Of all the trust it has shattered

So, I am numb

Because I do not know

If I want to survive

Drowning in my shame

The truth of that knowledge

Scares the breath from my lungs

Because I do know

This week

I’m still here for my son

Only I don’t yet know

What will keep me

Here

Next week…

He wanted a goldfish

I should get him one

He would smile so big

When he comes back next Friday

And I’ll have to feed it

Every day next week

I’ll name it Buoy

Because it will keep me

Afloat

When he’s not here

But I am numb

[nic-because-gay]

Anyone else with depression feel a sick sense of accomplishment when you get a new high score on the depression pop quiz at the doctor’s office? Like, it’s twisted that I feel accomplished when I score high enough the nurses all look at me like I’m about to shatter in front of them and they treat me with kid gloves. “Fuck you, depression!” I scream in my head. I am so fucked up they all think I’m going to die right now but here I am, still alive. I win.

[quakerjoe]

[dduane]

THIS.

[oohh-heyyy]

I stand by this message whole heartedly but also I thought this said “I can’t eat applesauce” and I was so fucking confused.

[nic-because-gay]

I read it twice and read applesauce both times and was just staring in braindead.