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[itsnotaproblemlinda]

My stomach is aching, I feel nauseous, but it feels like an accomplishment. I started smoking again, and I've already lost a few pounds because of it killing my appetite. I hate myself for picking it back up though, I truly feel ashamed. I never thought I'd be back here this low. Not just the smoking, but all of it.

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

I've been losing weight and not binging, but I just got hit with my period for the first time in over a year, and OHMYGOD I overate so much last night, literally enough calories for like 2 1/2 days, in just an hour last night. I still just want to eat the whole house right now, but want to get back on track and not cause another bad eating day. I don't think I consider last night a binge, I was able to stop, and it wasn't some mindless unstoppable consumption, and there wasn't any extreme guilt like I get after a binge, it was just like "damn bitch you really ate all that?? Ok I guess let's go to bed"

I'm in so much pain and want to eat my weight in Terry's oranges rn 😭

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

Sometimes eating is a literal chore for me, and I have to make myself eat a yogurt, or fiber one bar, or something, but sometimes I'm ravenous, and feel like the void, and I hate it. I would rather live every day making myself eat just something, than to never feel full no matter what I do.

I've tried every trick tonight, drinking water until I want to vomit, drinking black coffee, drinking sparkling water, eating soup/broth, eating a huge salad, popcorn, chain smoking, absolutely nothing is helping, and I don't want this to trigger a binge, because I've been doing so well and don't want to gain any.

Why can't I just be normal???

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

ALR: this is going over my calories, not by like a lot, but definitely by like 500

Me, thinking about how eating an extra 500 cals over my caloric limit I've sat for myself would send me spiraling and having me want to kms:

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

Me: *gets motivated to walk for hours and makeup for some of my binges from the past few days*

Me: *feeling proud for all my walking*

My brain: lol wouldn't it be fun if we binged again on food you don't even like lol wouldn't ?? It ???

Me: pls no

Anyways, I binged on chips that I don't even like bc my mother bought them and then didn't want them, and I hated every second of it, because they're disgusting, but literally couldn't stop myself. I want to vomit, this is going to cause me to restrict really badly and I just know it.

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

I mixed a 5 hr Extra energy shot with a strawberry pineapple La Croix bc I don't have any monster ultra on hand & wow I wasn't expecting much but that sucker packs a kick lol

(also it's like 4 cals??? I could have 2 and it still be less cals than a monster ultra??!!)

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

Chewing the same piece of gum for hours, until it literally loses it's texture, because the idea of spending more than 5 cals on a non food item is ridiculous to you

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

Do you ever feel like this is just going to be the rest of your life? Like you’re going to be 36 and can’t even eat a slice of your wedding cake without feeling like you want to rip your skin off?

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

Went to bed hungry, but not on purpose, woke up with my stomach growling, all I’ve had is 16 grapes, 1 orange, and 1 pack of 100 cal pre portioned almonds, 4 cups black coffee, an ultra monster, 3 cans of La Croix, and 3 sticks of sugar free gum.

I thought I was getting better, but missing a few meals on accident has thrown me back into the deep, and now I don’t want to stop.

Even though it was an accident, I know it’s going to trigger a binge, and that’s just going to cause another cycle of restriction and binging, and I’m exhausted with that cycle.

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

Got a weekend job, and I kind of hate how excited I am about how easy this is going to make restricting my calories.

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

Cleaning the entire house completely on your own is the most hardcore workout ever, and nobody can tell me otherwise.

My legs are shaking, I’m drenched in sweat, and I feel like I’ve ran a marathon.

Swept and mopped every room in the house, moved furniture, moved the living room rug, scrubbed the tub, the sinks, dusted, all on my own.

I haven’t eaten, hardly got any sleep, and have only had some water & coffee to keep me going.

For sure my adrenaline is pumping and I feel I could fight god, but I’m also mentally exhausted

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

Considering eating mostly vegan & eating clean/ more Whole Foods, I feel it would really help with restricting

Can’t binge that badly if I cut out processed junk

I would actually go vegan tbh, bc I’m very plant based anyways, but I really like honey & an occasional noosa yoghurt, so I’ll never actually call myself vegan

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

Do you guys also watch mukbang calorie counts? Or am I just completely off my rocker?

They’ll literally eat my daily intake in one sitting, or my weekly calorie intake in one go, and I’m like jfc.

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

I’ve been following some Victoria’s Secret models on social media, and watching all of their “What I eat in a day” videos on YouTube, one of my favorites said she drinks apple cider vinegar every morning, so I decided I’m going to do it, and I now want to exorcist style vomit.

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

Meal prepping kinda, to make it easier for me to stay within my calorie limit.

Still haven’t been grocery shopping, so I’m running out of meals to make, and I’m low key happy about it bc there’s nothing to really binge on.

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

I hate that one of my triggers for binges is sweets, because I can’t even trust myself with low calorie junk food.

I’m making a grocery list & to prevent future binges I put nothing sweet at all, the only junk food I chose was a Lindt 100% cocoa chocolate bar bc I hate myself 🙃

I did also add good thins sea salt crackers, bc crackers are a go to depression meal, and you get like 38 crackers for 120 cals, so we’ll see how it goes ig.

[itsnotaproblemlinda]

It’s a very sick type of self harm to feel comfort in seeing that you’re running out of food in the house, and knowing you can’t binge anymore bc there’s nothing to binge on 🙃

The downside is that I’m also running out of still & sparkling water, and running out of kcups, and that’s causing P A N I K.