A Mini Guide to Write an Abused and/or Neglected Child More Realistically
CW: discussions of emotional, physical, brief sexual abuse, and neglect.
A lot of people try and write abused or neglected kids and I love seeing people give representation to a very real issue! Any effort is a good one!
I just wanted to share a few things to encorporate into your writing to make it more realistic and connecting with readers!
Often I see people simplify abuse as:
A parent screaming and/or hitting their kids
Often having an abuser or neglectful parent doing it for fun
A child hiding emotional issues from their parent
A child not being fed
Parent binge-drinking
A parent seemingly existing just to torment their child
Some of these are good examples of abuse and neglect, but there's a lot more to abuse and neglect than that! It's often more complex than an adult enjoying hurting their kid (actual abusers are complex people who don't exist to make another person miserable and don't necesarily enjoy it like a hobby).
So, here are a few suggestions to add to your writing that will make that child's situation more realistic!
Flesh out their abuser
Abusers are also people who had lives before their kids. What made them the person they are today?
Are they abusive and/or neglectful because of their childhood? Are they doing it because "my parents did it" or were they raised by good parents and another action turned them into who they are? Do they do it because they don't mean to cause harm but they weren't exposed to an environment that taught them to behave another way? Do they have a disorder like depression or disability that makes them unable to meet their children's needs in terms of neglect? Are they projecting onto their child? If they do laugh or have fun while hurting them, is there a reason they find it fun or why they're confident they won't get caught? Is how they're behaving culturally acceptable? If it's not, do they hide what they're doing?
Once you figure that out, you'll be able to write them more in-depth as well as the child. Their child will learn and pick up a lot of their parents' behaviors.
It also helps you learn what sets that abuser off and what makes them happy; what dictates a good and bad day.
Also know that some people abuse or neglect others because they don't know what they're doing it wrong OR because they do know and don't seek help and are in possible denial. That changes how they're written a lot.
Keep in mind that some parents might be exceptional in other areas (like being attentive about their child's interests), while also being horrible in another area (like apologizing or fullfilling their needs). Some parents love and would die for their kid but also wouldn't hesitate to hit them for doing something wrong.
The fact they do good in some areas doesn't make what they did or didn't do in other areas okay, but it does humanize them more and flesh out their character. Both things can exist and that really impacts how your child sees their parent and the relationship they have. Abusive people aren't abusive for the sake of being abusive.
Many people write abusers like they're people who are there for the sole purpose of tormenting another person without reason; this isn't the case and makes the abuse feel flat or less heartbreaking.
Abusers are people who are also complex. Most abusers don't just do things without a reason or for fun-- it's often a dysfunctional or irrational reason. Though, this doesn't justify their behavior.
Know what abuse and neglect looks like
Abuse is more than just hitting, screaming, name-calling, or not feeding. It's also:
Not listening to your child's interest
Not giving them privacy
Being dependent on your child for your needs
Projecting issues their other parent causes on them
Not going to doctor's appointment
Not teaching them basic things
Not sending them to school on time
Not having clear boundaries or consequences
Not having consequences that make sense for the action
Not buying them more than what's absolutely necesary, if that (unless the family is finacially struggling)
Not expressing love to your child
Not displaying how to regulate or cope to your child
Watching or engaging in inappropriate things around your child
Dismissing them
Guilt tripping them
Letting unsafe adults around them without care
Breaking or not allowing boundaries
Never apologizing or pretending it didn't happen
Forming excuses to continue their behavior
Using religious threats or shaming
Many more!
Keep in mind that an abuser may be great in one area (schooling, teaching, and doctor's visits) but may lack in other areas (emotional and social needs). This applies to neglect as well (always feed their children but never buy them new clothes).
It depends on how you write and flesh out that parent!
Know that abuse and neglect shows up in non-glamorized ways
When peeople write about abuse and neglect, they often stick to things that are easier to write about or "less embarassing" like a child getting hit or not being fed, but there's a lot of other ways it shows up. In fact, that child will most likely experience other types of abuse and neglect besides that 85% of the time.
Examples include:
Unmet development miletones and regressive behaviors (behind in school, sucking their thumb, bed-wetting, having outbursts, and being overly dependent on their parent, etc.)
Having poor hygiene (being unbathed, not brushing their teeth, not knowing how to wipe after the bathroom or wash hands properly, untrimmed nails, etc.)
Not knowing how to do simple tasks (washing the dishes properly, tying their shoes, how to spell well, not knowing basic knowledge relating to tasks, etc.)
Not knowing basic social ettiquete (touching others without permission, interupting others, not knowing how to talk to others, being overly quiet, etc.)
Having poor clothing (holes in clothes, wearing the same thing, not properly washed, have stains, very mismatched, poor smelling clothes, etc.)
Acting like parent (hitting others to communicate, yelling at others to communicate, saying hateful beliefs or idealogies parent has, acting out things parent does like smoking or sexual gestures they displayed with other parent or child, etc.)
Being skittish and/or reactive (being too compliant; being too angry, not making friends or participating in class; bullying others or trying to take up a lot of space for attention, etc.)
All of these are a result of what happens at home and also lack of external help from an outside environment.
Keep in mind if you think "But I don't want my child character to do bad things." that children don't act like that to be bad, but rather because that's how they think other's behave.
Of course, this lessens as they become older and make friends or have positive influences, but abused or neglected children don't behave in healthy ways.
Think, "How does the environment influence my child character?"
Some kids avoid what their parents do (and of course still copy them by accident at times), while others mimic their behavior to a T.
Think from their perspective
Immerse yourself into their world to write their behaviors.
If you were neglected, what were things you didn't know how to do? If you weren't, try to erase your childhood knolwedge and pretend you're learning everything for the first time in a child's perspective given that environment you wrote.
You can do this by giving yourself everyday tasks and then performing them in a way you think a child who wasn't shown how does them.
Something spilt? Instead of picking up the mass, patting it carefully, and using cleaner, instead smear it in attempt to wash it away and use water like how a child might problem solve.
Have to make food? Instead of following recipes or food safety, think about how a child would make food with their limited knowledge.
Think about the few things they were taught, what they have in the house, and know that children have a simple form of thinking.
If their abuser was also neglected or does something dysfunctionally, have the child do it that way too. Children learn the most through modeling and doing what their parent does.
Even if they're parentified, they won't do things like cooking or cleaning right unless they were shown and that skill has to be upkept.
Some neglected children will be taught how to do things like cleaning or brushing their teeth if their parent is attentive in that area while others won't because they weren't taught.
Also, keep in mind children don't usually have a complex train of thought that thinks "My dad hit me because he drinks alcohol and he's an alcoholic and he took his anger out on me again." And it's usually more like "Daddy drank more of that stuff and I made him mad and he hit me for being bad."
Children usually assume they're doing something bad and that leads to their punishment; not that their parent is unstable. They know as much as they hear-- they may call the alcohol alcohol if their parent calls it that, or they might call it "angry juice". They usually won't call themselves "a useless burden" unless they hear that from a parent.
Children don't usually have the ability to logically intellectualize everything like a teen or maybe pre-teen can and often try to make sense of behaviors with their limited words or expression.
Once again, think of how their abuser acts and how the child displays the impact of those actions in a more simple way.
Think of the child and their parents' dynamic
Not all child-parent relationships when it comes to abuse or neglect are the same. They are often complex and different.
Some people have parents that are emotionally unavailable but meet their other needs and that leads to them to usually become more apathetic to their parent and emotionally distant from others.
Some people have parents who look to their child to parent them, have no boundaries, and regulate poorly and their child will feel anxious without their parent, looks for validation in others, or feel too guilty to say no to others or parent but may blow up randomly.
Some people have parents they empathize with if their parent is neglectful for reasons such as addiction, a disorder, or disability and become a caretaker for them or avoid holding them accountable for what they could have done but don't.
Some people have parents who hit them but are otherwise really great parents and will feel close to their parent but may avoid telling them things like if they did bad in school or drank at a party and need to be picked up.
After conflict, does their parent apologize, buy them gifts, or use faux-apologies? Or do they pretend it didn't happen, become more mad, or take it out on others?
How does the child feel about their parent?
A great way to do this is learn about attachment styles, parenting styles, and how those connect with your characters.
End Notes
These are not musts for writing! Be as expressive and creative as you want to be! Sometimes to vent, we just want to write characters however we want and that's okay!
This mini guide is for people who are looking to write a sad scenario more realistically.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask in my submissions box!
izzy806
tangentwithtanner
turnnoffyourmind
yousharknotpass
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