So … I saw Rachel Reid’s Discord screenshots, and later that very disappointing response video (and since then the IG story, which did not address the problems).
Wasn’t feeling up to posting myself at first, but I did see the reactions to the screenshots, especially so many upsetting posts from people who see themselves in Shane Hollander for so many different reasons, and were hurt by the attitudes shown towards neurodivergence, EDs, the very real fears around coming out, the consistent lack of awareness about what being POC means through all of this. I’m one of those people, too, because her comments hit me a little too hard as a neurodivergent person.
And then the jokey dismissal of that was … yeah. So here’s another overly long deep dive I’ve spent too long overthinking.
I began my S2 hopes and fears post the other day by saying I go back and forth on the intentionality in the GCU books, especially on Shane’s TLG characterisation. Well, I’m a little clearer on that specific issue now, given that the author seems to have explicitly spelled out her intentions, and unfortunately has justified some less charitable interpretations of her writing decisions.
NEURODIVERGENCE
What did the screenshots say about Shane?
RR said she “REALLY regrets suggesting that he may be autistic”, before immediately (in what may appear to be a contradiction, but isn’t! more on that later) saying she thinks he probably is on the spectrum. For context: she has said on a number of occasions that she realised Shane was on the spectrum between HR & TLG. She has received a great deal of praise for the autism portrayal in the show and Hudson’s acting. In the last few days even, she’s been part of an autism fundraiser.
This statement has to be then taken in the context of a number of other things she’s said about Shane in these screenshots :
“Shane’s biggest flaw is that he can be focused to the point of being self-absorbed”.
Screenshot: Shane’s response to the plane texts: “Huh, weird” [RR commentary: “what an idiot”].
Shane not telling JJ - RR commentary: “Shane is stupid”.
On the foundations of TLG: “Going into TLG my main notes were all the ways Shane had been selfish. It was important to hold on to that. It’s not an impossible thing to overcome, but it needed to create a conflict.”
In addition to the screenshots, the TLG notes list: “Ilya is very intelligent. Shane is not.” “Ilya is very observant and perceptive. Shane barely notices his own feelings”.
And, the recent Swooon article: “Shane’s a little bit selfish in this book, or he’s a little bit self-centered, a little bit unaware … He needs things spelled out for him, and Ilya is not spelling them out. I wasn’t too surprised that people didn’t like Shane’s behaviour in the book, but it was kind of necessary for the story. He had to have an arc where he figures out what he’s doing wrong and fixes it.”
Basically, you have a character who you yourself now believe is autistic, and who you’re going to write as such. And then you set out to - in your words - make his “selfishness” the primary conflict of your two-person romance. And the way you do that is by conflating “selfishness” and “self-absorbedness” and “what he’s doing wrong” with needing things to be clear and being hyper-focused and sticking to a plan. And in addition, your guiding notes for the book are also how he is not “very intelligent” and “barely notices his own feelings”.
And in your cutesy “apology” video to your fictional character - not to the fans hurt by all this - all you say is you know you shouldn’t joke about him being stupid and an idiot because he’s autistic. Which you, incidentally, wish you hadn’t publicly said explicitly.
There are many conclusions to draw here, and again, I’m trying very hard not to draw the most uncharitable ones. But it is bloody difficult not to, actually.
Because how it looks is that you’re calling your character selfish, self-absorbed and unintelligent in a way that you are linking directly to the very same qualities that you have written into him as a person on the spectrum. That the logical progression from what you’re saying is that what he’s doing wrong in his own love story is being autistic. That you seem to not have any good things to say as well about him or his autistic qualities. That you’re dismissing it all as just jokes when there is visibly more to it.
And, also, that the only reason you think it might be bad to call him all those things out loud is because he’s autistic - which you wish you hadn’t explicitly said. Is this because then you can’t use those qualities to call him selfish and unintelligent? Because then you have to take accountability and not just praise for autism representation? Because then it becomes not just about this fictional character who’s fictionally forgiven you, but all the very real ND people who feel gutted at having harmful attitudes reinforced?
I get that Shane is fictional, and I get that I’m over-attached to this character. But I think it’s safe to say fandom spaces in general have a lot of real neurodivergent people, and perhaps this fandom even more than most, and that the show and the books have reaped the benefit of that in every way possible, and a lot of it is because of people seeing themselves in Shane and Ilya. And you cannot claim that huge support and praise for inclusivity and representation and then deflect the very real impact when you fuck up as well.
QUEER AND ASIAN REPRESENTATION
It’s not just ND representation that’s being let down, but how it intersects with the rest of Shane’s life: a biracial, closeted gay man in a deeply conservative field.
When she says he’s “stupid” for not telling JJ, and especially “selfish” (because that one wasn’t a joke). She doesn’t specify how he’s selfish, but as we know, the conflict in TLG is (a) about him not guessing how Ilya is feeling and (b) not wanting to come out sooner. Calling the latter selfish is to me a vast oversimplification of the lives of queer people and how they navigate coming out. It also completely ignores - again - the pressure he would already be facing as a POC: why an anxious, neurodivergent, innately private person would have extra reason to be apprehensive about coming out in a world where he would already be facing microaggressions, stereotyping, model minority pressure, outright racism.
I live in a place that’s fairly liberal (nowadays, anyway - same-sex marriage and abortion have only been legalised within the last decade). I’m thinking of my friends who haven’t come out, because they fear being treated differently by their family and friends and colleagues, because they worry about the harmful attitudes and covert discrimination that still exist, and because it is their decision to come out when they are good and ready. I can totally understand if being at different points in that journey causes friction within a relationship, but I would never call anyone “selfish” or “stupid” for whatever point they’re at in their lives.
Shane, as a gay Asian man in an extremely white, conservative and heteronormative field, would be feeling even more immense pressure at the prospect of coming out. RR can say he’s unaware of the “dark side” of hockey and has no “trauma”, but her books are based directly on the NHL and on the real world. He has every reason to be anxious.
And then it makes me look twice at how the story she wrote actually bears his fears out, even if the lack of attention given to the Montreal locker room pre-Fanmail ends up framing it as being about Ilya instead of about homophobia. When he’s traumatically outed, and when he suffers the final humiliation of tripping and being held responsible for losing the playoffs against his partner, his team - including JJ - immediately question his integrity. We are told the fallout is vicious online (though barely shown it). He loses his team, his captaincy, his first line position. Most painfully of all, his reputation has taken what we can only imagine is a lasting hit, through no fault of his own.
As I’ve said before, I have tried to take the “hero’s arc” argument in good faith, that Shane’s journey is about learning to prioritise love, being true to yourself, standing up for your loved ones, etc (there are questions that can be asked over that framing, but that’s for another time). But given that those screenshots and that interview now explicitly say Shane’s “selfishness” specifically was set up to be the major conflict in the novel, it is also now harder not to interpret his outing and subsequent bringing-down as him also being narratively punished for hesitance that would in reality be logically inextricable from his being a neurodivergent anxious gay Asian man. His “selfishness” is corrected for him. And it’s immediately reframed as a happy ending. It just all shows a staggering lack of awareness of multiple parts of his identity.
(I’m not going to talk much about the “Ilya consider Svetlana” and the Ilya/Shane/Svetlana threesome comments, because I do doubt she actually wants that. But it’s a joke in pretty poor taste, given that a major part of Shane’s journey throughout HR is (a) realising he’s gay and not bi and (b) confronting his own insecurity that Ilya could opt for a straight-passing life without him.)
EATING DISORDER
A last screenshot: “the performance enhancing diet (which we all know is ridiculous) is mostly in the book as another thing that Shane focuses too much on instead of actually important things (like his very sad boyfriend)”.
Feeling guilty for tasting traces of lemonade on your boyfriend’s lips is not just a performance-enhancing diet. It does not matter if she intended to write it as an eating disorder, it categorically is. It actually makes sense that Shane’s perfectionism, especially under pressure, would lead to this - just as Ilya’s feelings of isolation exacerbate his depression. But it isn’t written that way, sympathetically - it is written as another example of supposed self-absorption. She writes it as making Shane miserable in his own right throughout TLG, and yet she is on record saying the reason for including it at all was for Ilya to goad him about, and to show what a bad boyfriend he is to Ilya. I’ve seen a number of saddening posts from people who’ve suffered with EDs and how they feel about that.
(And again, the fact that Ilya is “very sad” is something he keeps failing to communicate to Shane throughout the book. Yet, despite being explicitly characterised as someone who benefits from direct communication, Shane is the one whose biggest flaw is being “self-absorbed” by not guessing this. Ilya’s biggest flaw, incidentally, according to RR, is that he’s “too afraid of being hurt”. It’s honestly impossible to deny the uneven treatment, and how the responsibility consistently falls on the POC ND character to anticipate and orbit around the needs of his partner.)
ON THE AUTHOR
I understand that Rachel Reid never expected her books to blow up in this way, and it must be immensely daunting to think of so many people scrutinising your every word. I believe she generally meant well and that this shows in many parts of her books, and I am glad and grateful that she gave us these characters in the first place.
But when you do write and gain praise for writing real-world issues into your books, you have to accept real people are going to be affected if you deal with and talk about them in a harmful way. And what you should not do in the face of that is dismiss and mock their pain, because that video honestly felt like a slap in the face.
It seems to me a little ironic that RR wrote TLG as narratively berating a neurodivergent POC for taking his time to come out to the world, despite the amount of different kinds of abuse and backlash and pressure that he would inevitably have to brace for - but that marginalised communities’ valid scrutiny and criticism of a white NT woman’s mere writing is being condemned by many as unfairly dogpiling her. Just juxtaposing those. And I categorically condemn and am disgusted by any threats, insults, ableism, harassment directed at her! But the majority of what I’ve seen online over the past couple days is valid, heartfelt and respectful - even if in many cases upset and even angry - commentary.
Anyway. This has honestly all just made me pretty sad. And yes, I cancelled my preorder for Unrivaled. I still hold some hope for S2, and genuinely really hope the show’s creative team is seeing and more importantly taking onboard what the people whose communities are represented by Shane are saying. About how the creative decisions taken around this fictional character can reflect real attitudes and biases and stereotypes, and why that matters to people.
EXTRA NOTES
This is a response to those godforsaken screenshots, and the subsequent shitshow (debacle!) that has been RR’s response, so I haven’t gone into what’s not mentioned in them.
But a few points on context important by omission wrt how she treats Shane specifically: an evergreen reminder that the “selfish” plan was actually canonically agreed on in HR largely to protect Ilya because Russia: the fact that TLG actually ends up having multiple instances of Shane being observant and Ilya not being so as regards each other but Shane is still the one singled out for criticism as self-absorbed and clueless; the fact that Ilya’s depression is never spoken about by RR in a comparably insensitive way to Shane’s autistic traits; the fact her video made light of people being upset over fictional Shane but that she has said it hurts her when people call the equally fictional Ilya’s behaviour a red flag; the fact that it seems Shane alone out of her characters comes in for this amount of criticism from her, both in how she structured her book and the jokes she makes.
Again, I’m just feeling a bit sad atm, as one of the many many people who have found joy in this show and in a character like Shane.
It feels like a switch has been flipped. One moment, there’s the warm light that it felt like seeing someone like Shane depicted as loving and being loved as he is in HR (in the show especially, but also in the book). A whole imperfect and valid person, an equal half of the push-pull and painful but positive growth that is his relationship with Ilya.
The next, the cold realisation that AFTER realising he was autistic, RR appears to have conceptualised every foundation block for his TLG characterisation as making him the selfish, stupid, sole cause of the conflict (even when he literally isn’t or logically wouldn’t be). That there is no way to disengage that now, after these statements.
That’s it. That’s what hurts. And there has been no acknowledgement of that.
hi Jes, really love all you HR meta (esp your post about shame, thank you for that, truly), but can we get your thoughts on why Shane initiates sex in the couch scene?
I got the impression that Ilya just wanted to cuddle, he obviously went along with it (why wouldn't he), but where's Shane mind at that moment? Is it bc he thought that it was expected of him? Did he try to put some distance (consiously or not) and failed (and freaked out)?
this is a good question! i don't know if i have a confident read on this but i can give it a shot. let's reconstruct what's happened right before that moment:
ilya gives his disastrous monologue about sleeping with women, which shane clearly interprets as ilya putting him in his place (your'e not that high on my priority list)
they eat together and ilya starts needling shane about his sexuality trying to figure out if he's gay, which shane is still interpreting as like, maybe not quite "he's trying to get rid of me" but probably something like "he's trying to remind me that this doesn't have a future because we'll both presumably end up with women" slash "you should get a girlfriend" (which shane has been hearing from literally everyone in his life)
then ilya drops the "i like women.... but i also like you. not as a person, obviously. but you have a good mouth" which sort of half lifts them back up into their usual teasing banter, but you can tell shane's struggling to get back up there with ilya because, again, in his mind this whole conversation is ilya reminding him that this isn't important to him and it shouldn't be that important to shane (shane should probably be looking for a girlfriend)
then ilya's dad calls, he deals with that, he tries to shake it off and come back, shane asks if things are okay, ilya has his little freakout moment where he's like you speak russian? and is visibly reviewing anything he might've said in russian in shane's presence over the past seven years or whatever, shane's like uh no just figured out what "papa" means. what's going on in that moment? shane's making another bid for connection, which happens sooo frequently in this show (he's always trying to get ilya to tell him more about his life outside of the time they spend together). and once again ilya doesn't answer. i've read some people (including i think connor storrie in an interview?) say that they imagined ilya was feeling sort of warmly Seen in this moment and that's why he starts cuddling shane on the couch, but i definitely read it as 1) ilya swerving to avoid divulging anything real about his family life, and 2) ilya steering them back not towards sex exactly but at least towards physical contact, where he obviously feels safer and more in control of the situation.
i don't think shane interprets this moment as "i asked him a question and he's so grateful i inquired about how he's feeling that now he wants to snuggle me," i think he experiences it as "i asked him a question and he avoided answering again and now he wants to shift things back towards sex, which is what he primarily wants from me." let's remember that shane probably spent the whole time ilya was on the phone spiraling miserably about ilya's little speech and perhaps especially fixating on the "i don't like you as a person, obviously, but you have a good mouth" line that ilya left on. so okay, ilya doesn't like him as a person, ilya doesn't want to connect with him as a person, but shane has a good mouth, and shane can - he can make this work, he can take what he's given, if it means getting to keep this for a little while longer.
in his earlier monologue ilya says something like, "i'll probably find someone else soon... or maybe i won't, you know i'm lazy," which i THINK is him trying to (very poorly) communicate to shane that he's going to dial back the whole sleeping with other people thing because he has feelings for shane. but can you imagine how poor shane hears that?? ilya's telling him that he's probably going to find something else, presumably with a woman since he can't stop talking about them, as soon as he can get up off his ass and get back out there. i would PERSONALLY hear that as "i'm ready to stop fucking around, i'm probably going to start looking for someone who really is perfect for me, and then who knows what'll happen here, i hope you get yourself a girlfriend so you don't need this anymore." so maybe in shane's head it's like, now there's a time limit on this. now there's an expiration date. i need to be making the most of this while i still get to have it because rozanov's telling me not to count on this going on forever. i need to be trying to convince him that i'm not boring, that my mouth is good enough to keep me around. i don't think shane's inner monologue would be that explicitly self-pitying but i'd guess that's sort of what he's feeling.
also i've said this before but i think it's interesting that shane really looks like he's going to go in for a blowjob and then abruptly changes gears and gets on top. like he's still in his head a little bit about the "but you have a good mouth" comment. and someone else (i can't remember who but pls come and claim your headcanon!!) made a great point that shane might also be thinking in that moment about ilya repeatedly saying he's boring, and wondering if a blowjob is too boring, and trying to do something more unpredictable/interesting. except all he can think of is to mimic what he thinks ilya might do in that situation, ie get on top and try to act more in control of the scenario than he really feels. and then ilya calls him by his first name perhaps in an unintentional way, shane calls ilya by his first name in a much more intentional way, and then shane gets visibly rattled because he is in way over his head here and he can't do this anymore, he can't play pretend intimacy when he knows ilya's just going to pull the rug out from under him when he's least expecting it.
So here is my overly long and overly personal essay on hopes and fears for S2 of Heated Rivalry, and especially Shane.
I’m very very much a “people be saying things so definitively, idk man I think it depends” mindset as a person. I like reading different perspectives and can often sympathise with more than one at a time. In this case, am always back and forth on how much goodwill I have for the books and the intentionality of their characterisation, esp in TLG. But have looked over and edited this a bunch of times and it’s the closest to a good-faith snapshot of what I’m thinking as am going to get at this stage, so 🤷🏻♀️.
Also, a lot of this is probably the coldest of takes after what I imagine have been months of discourse (have been reading some really good insights over the last couple days), but I came to HR fandom fairly recently, and began writing this like a fortnight ago as very much an exercise in sketching out the overall shape of my thoughts on TLG. So probably not contributing anything new, but am trying to get used to having a blog and putting any thoughts out again, so! Here are some thoughts.
Also! This is Shane-focused bc I feel he was let down much more in TLG, but that doesn’t in any way mean I don’t want justice done to Ilya’s arc - just that I feel the material and therefore the roadmap already largely exists for it by comparison. In fact, though, I think giving Shane his dues would improve the story all round, contextualising BOTH their characters and perspectives as both understandable and flawed, and highlighting not just Ilya’s frustration but also why he loves Shane in the first place (which was also underdone in the book sometimes IMO, and can make him come across as uncaring too).
Why I can’t help but be worried about S2 and Shane’s character, and how I hope the series can continue to do him justice - an overly parasocial, neurodivergent perspective.
So I’ve seen a lot of posts about how Shane in TLG is villainised by some fans, when his situation and reactions would be just as understandable (flawed! but human) as Ilya’s. And I strongly agree - but the problem is that the book itself doesn’t adequately put that across. I wrote an angry post about this when I was in my feels at the end of this very extensive and interesting Reddit thread, but wanted to set it all out in a more considered way here.
TLG is heavily weighted towards Ilya’s POV, and there is a great deal to sympathise with there. He’s left behind the country he grew up in and the team that drafted him (and the latter for one that’s not as strong), he doesn’t have the same in-built support network as Shane has, and he has an undeniably tragic history of family trauma and depression. Plus, innately, he is a naturally bold, charming, and gregarious person who - once the Russia threat is eliminated - craves being out, and feels stifled in the shadows. All of that really makes you feel for him, and it’s absolutely right that it should.
But this is a two-person romance, where the characters love each other and we’re meant to love both of them. And this is where I feel Rachel Reid’s writing of TLG does the Shane she created in HR a disservice, because there’s a lot to sympathise with him about, too, and the book doesn’t make the most of that.
From the outset, we’ve known Shane as a nervy perfectionist who maybe only truly feels instinctively in control and comfortable when he’s on the ice. He’s intense, serious - someone who hates being caught out, who has to think through everything he says, who wears his heart on his sleeve despite his best efforts not to. And the thing is that this is not a flaw - we’ve been shown it’s precisely that earnestness and honesty that so charms Ilya. Where Ilya has had to learn to have layers of consciously, carefully constructed defences, Shane’s self-protection techniques are much more instinctive and transparent, a reflex reaction to how close to the surface his emotions and nerves are.
So HR is a classic opposites-attract romance where you can see just how good their differences are for each other. How Ilya could so easily bury himself forever in layers of detachment and wit and bravado, without Shane bulldozing through that straight to his heart with his sweetness and determination. And how Shane could, too, bury himself in people-pleasing and perfectionism and workaholism, without Ilya’s boldness and easiness and warmth pulling him out of that, making him more comfortable to be himself too. They were created as loving each other, specifically, for a reason.
Rachel Reid has said she accidentally wrote Shane as autistic, but that by the time of TLG, she’d realised he was and consciously wrote him as such then. What’s unsettling to me is how his character seems to be given much less grace after that realisation than he was before. Shane is an autistic, biracial, closeted gay man in one of the whitest and most conservative sports in North America. He would have been bombarded with microaggressions of every kind his entire life, and he is instinctively wired to be careful about how he deals with pressure from the outside world, as we see from how he answers interview questions. If he is anxious about coming out, if he finds it hard to deviate from the plan he carefully prepared together with Ilya, it fits exactly with who he is - with the person Ilya loves.
That doesn’t mean Ilya can’t change his mind about the timeframe, doesn’t invalidate his own feelings of frustration and how they impact his own mental state. It doesn’t and shouldn’t mean they can’t argue. But if this is a two-person romance story about how hard it is to keep a relationship strong, then the essential nature of BOTH of those characters is important and valid in every dispute. This is where the way TLG is written lets it down compared to HR, because the framing is so often through one character’s eyes and one character’s needs. We so often read Ilya’s intense, deep yearning to be out and to be free and to be loved out loud, as in the Fabian club scene and the infamous Boxing Day fight. We’re not shown the counterpart enough: the instinctive terror that would be crowding Shane’s mind at the thought of losing so much control, at changing the carefully-thought-out plan with no notice, knowing the person that the author had already established he was.
Then there’s Rachel Reid’s author notes written for TLG, which were disappointing to read, and explain a lot of the above IMO. I know these are only rough building blocks, but think they therefore show the book’s uneven foundation, in that Ilya is almost entirely defined by things that he is (cool, perceptive, intelligent, dealing with trauma) and Shane by things that he is not (except obsessed with hockey). For one thing, categorising an autistic person as less intelligent because he finds it hard to read people sits very uncomfortably with me. Categorising a neurodivergent, biracial, closeted gay man in a deeply conservative field as having no trauma at all also sits so badly when you consider the layers of bullshit he must have heard and internalised and guarded against his whole life, how much harder he must have had to work to be treated with the respect he deserves.
A massive element of all this is, of course, the complete absence of attention her writing gave to his being Asian even in HR: every character in the GCU has to navigate their own way around the ever-present spectre of homophobia, but we never hear anything about how the one POC player protagonist must also have had to deal with racism and role model/model minority pressure. Having your white character believe they’re aware of the “dark side” of hockey while your POC character is blissfully unaware is a hell of a choice, especially when the writing does so little to contradict it (other than one solitary suggestion when he’s threatened by Crowell).
All of this is to say that in TLG, I found Shane’s worries to be downplayed beside Ilya’s. His anxiety is not given the same interiority and understanding as Ilya’s depression. His need for privacy and planning and a comfort zone is framed too often from the outside as fussing, as stalling, as mere insensitivity. The internal and external demons he has to be facing are almost always off the page. Ilya is an unreliable narrator, but too often in TLG he’s the only one given the depth and weight that’s deserved, and that overbalances the narrative.
There are so many little touches that land too often on one side - for example, there are beautiful moments between Ilya and other characters, between him and the Hollanders as regards their own relationship. Yet when Shane interacts with his parents it’s usually him feeling guilty or being chided over Ilya (or food - there’s also that unfortunate accidental eating disorder written for laughs and not as its own response to fear, trauma even). Ilya’s character and other relationships have been built up lovingly over the whole GC series by TLG, but as far as Shane’s own world goes, we don’t even see his coming-out to his team, and famously, the fallout in Montreal/the hockey world AND his eating disorder are wrapped up in like one page near the end of the book, which is wild tbh. In an unnecessarily cruel little detail, we’re even told Shane is the only one not good at coaching kids - despite hockey camp having been his idea, despite being the captain of his team, despite being a beloved uncle to the Pike kids. It feels like outside of his eventual big declarations of love for Ilya, we’re shown almost no innate positives or inner struggles for Shane in his own right in this book, just the external circumstances of his mostly-lucky life. And this is a relationship and a romance that famously arose amid a rivalry between equals.
Then there’s the plot. Shane begins the book by having everything (in Ilya’s and too often the narrative’s view), and ends it by having almost all of his worst fears validated (bar losing Ilya and bar losing hockey entirely): outed in the worst and most public way, humiliated, ostracised, threatened, his integrity and reputation besmirched, his beloved team lost, his captaincy and first line position gone. Taken together with the imbalance in POVs, it does almost feel like his eventual demotion (played for laughs in the book’s last scene) is a punishment for perceived selfishness. Rachel Reid has said Shane has the hero’s arc, and I try to give that statement the benefit of the doubt in that he does have to make hard choices, as do we all, to prioritise important things like love and being your true self (I’d argue your career and life’s passion is also very important). I of course completely agree that a happy ending for Shane as much as for Ilya was always going to be to be able to come out and to be who they are and love each other publicly. But so often the way TLG was written felt to me like the Shane we know and love as anxious and private was being berated for how difficult the process of getting there was for him: as if this was a battle against his own complacency, instead of a very hard negotiation with his own innate nature (let alone the coldness and prejudice we presume, but are barely shown, he’s already facing from his own team). This shouldn’t be framed as a redemption arc of insensitivity or cowardice overcome. It is a crucible where he was always going to be badly hurt in a way that targeted his most vulnerable points, even if it is ultimately worth what’s gained.
Now for a personal moment where I unveil the full extent of my parasocialness and projection - I found this series and fell completely in love with it at a time when I, as an adult woman, have been finding out about my own neurodivergence. A GP, a psychiatrist and a psychologist all finally flagged me for probable autism after an entire adult life battling depression, and an extremely low patch last year - please believe, I sympathise with BOTH Ilya and Shane.
Similarly to Shane out of the two, though, I’ve had a lucky personal background without big-T trauma (for which I am immensely, hugely grateful). However, that hasn’t stopped me feeling like I was fundamentally flawed, miserable, and increasingly exhausted through the years, decades even. There’s been burnout, self-destructive habits and thoughts and occasionally actions, self-isolation, panic attacks over things other people might find easy. There’s been immense guilt and self-loathing over how fucking hard I can find life, despite having had all the luck in the world compared to so many. In these recent months I have been trying hard to reframe things wrt both my neurodivergence and the depression that’s been exacerbated as a result - trying to give myself that kindness, that I am built a certain way, that the pain hasn’t always been my fault, and that I hopefully am who I am in positive ways as well.
Which is to say that when I watched HR and fell so completely in love with Shane and Ilya’s love story, one of the many reasons why was this beautiful portrayal of a neurodivergent person who is successful and confident in his field, and is loved fiercely and who loves fiercely BECAUSE of and INCLUDING the way he is, not despite of it. I am so very not a pro sportsperson or anything like Shane in so so many ways, lolol, but like many others I nonetheless connected on an instinctive level with so many things about how he processes life. These include but are not limited to: the cautious way he carries himself; the flicker in his eyes when he’s assessing a social situation or overthinking a text; his constant need to clarify things verbally; his instinctively direct and literal answers to questions; the deep relief and safety that is his special interest; how he only truly unmasks with the people he’s closest to (above all, Ilya); how he will set his mind to understanding and addressing a problem when it’s about something or someone he cares about.
That was my reaction to tv!Shane first (bless you forever, Hudson Williams), but I think in S1, both characters were built up from the groundwork laid by Rachel in the first book, with much more added depth and love. If there’s already a big disconnect between the books’ treatment of Shane in HR and TLG, then it would be that much more stark and sad in the tv version if this beautifully, subtly nuanced character were to be shortchanged in the understanding and exploration his feelings and journey are given, when everything about his nature has been so clear on the screen.
I didn’t know what they were called for much of my life, but I’ve always had hyperfixations - especially on movies, books, or tv series. Fiction has been my comfort zone and my conduit for relating to the world for as long as I can remember. And so this is why I’ve written over 1,500 words and counting on this, lol - and why I’ve undoubtedly taken all this far too personally. But also part of that understanding I’ve been trying to show myself for getting so deep into this is that actually, from what I’ve seen online, there’s so very many of us who’ve connected to this show for so many different reasons. Its portrayal of love, of queer joy, of unabashed intimacy, of emotional connection between equals and partners - and within that, its neurodivergent representation (which author, showrunner and actor have all agreed was intentional). Simply, it meant something to see Shane love and be loved just as he is, in his neurodivergence and also in his own particularities as a character. It is unfortunately, a little too parasocially important to me that that continues in S2.
So then - season two. Jacob Tierney did a brilliant job on S1 (along with, of course, the amazing Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams). He captured the fun, sweet, sparky nature of the first Hollanov book’s romance and layered into it so more emotion and depth, from exploring Ilya’s background (the abuse from his father and brother, the warmth and safe space that is his friendship with Svetlana) - to the very needed engagement with Shane’s ethnicity (eg. being hit with the Tiger Woods/Serena Williams comparison, the pressure of being a visible role model for the kids who’ll look up to him). You are emotionally eviscerated at least once an episode and usually more - but what an incredible, soul-warming journey and payoff.
This is what I wish for season two, and what I hope we all wish for (in addition ofc to the humour and the heat). For one thing, to see onscreen what it’s like for a confident, successful, charming, larger-than-life person to also be clinically depressed - something we so often are not shown in media. Sorry to be personal again, but I have a demanding and public-facing job, and have had bad experiences with counsellors being unable to tally that with being depressed, like one thing must cancel out the other. I have no doubt Connor will be heartbreaking in how he threads that needle, and that that representation, too, will be meaningful and important to so many people. But I also want to see his counterpart via the material given to Hudson: how someone also at the top of his game can still be fighting a daily battle with his anxiety over revealing his true self to the whole, huge, often hostile world - not out of shame or cowardice, but simply because that’s how he’s wired, that’s the nature of his soft underbelly.
I would like to see that coming-out scene with the Metros as well as its aftermath throughout the series - how their subsequent behaviour could affect the locker room and their team dynamic, could reinforce all his worries about the whole truth coming out, could contribute to his own anxiety spiral alongside Ilya’s depression. I would like that continued awareness of how the specific kinds of pressure Shane’s faced his whole life have shaped him, just as Ilya’s own have shaped him. I would like to see how Ilya’s (also understandable!) reticence to open up about his depression disconcerts Shane - who we know does not deal well with ambiguity and stonewalling, as in Sochi and Vegas. I would like to see Shane’s post-plane clarity framed not as catching up to a more emotionally-intelligent partner, but in its own right as the brave confronting of his own oldest fears, in the face of the very worst of all fears.
I would like Shane’s half of the story and the fear and the pain to be given the same weight in a way I don’t feel the book did justice to, to be honest. And if the series is going to have to follow every plot beat, as I imagine it will, then I would like to see the outing and especially trip-gate also be properly devastating for everyone - especially for Shane, but also for Ilya and for the viewer - and not rushed through before we get to our next bittersweet HFN.
In S1, some of the early plot beats - especially Vegas - could in lesser hands have made Ilya a temporary villain: the unsympathetic, more emotionally withholding dom to Shane’s soft, naive sub. But instead, in Jacob and Connor’s depiction, you feel every bit of his frustration and guardedness and need for control and distance given just how unfair and cruel his home life is. You fully understand the pain on both sides of that penthouse door. You still root for them to be together, and you wouldn’t if you only liked or sympathised with one! I would like that same even-handedness and exploration of and sympathy for Shane in S2.
I fell in love with this story because it was a beautiful tale of two people who end up communicating despite themselves, and eventually loving each other for themselves. There is no loving Shane without loving Ilya, and also no loving Ilya without loving Shane. Above everything else, I hope that continues to be the north star throughout S2.
I need a way to keep track of what happens when, so here is my comprehensive timeline of Mel/Frank moments in each episode. Thanks to everyone who's making gifs of the show so I could attach them in this post!
Objective happenings in normal font, (my own thoughts in italics and parentheses)
*warning: gif heavy post under the cut*
Ep 1: 7:00 AM
Mel arrives at PTMC after a 2 month rotation at the VA. Frank gives her a double take while she's introducing herself
SLEEPY BOY TYLER: Mel asks Frank for help with 4yo pot gummy patient Tyler. We get their little crossover blocking! (Robby, for whatever reason, gives Heather a lingering look after watching these two leave 👀)
After Tyler's labs come back and Langdon finds the gummy residue in his mouth, we see Frank notice Mel holding back her irritation with the mom when she asks if the cannabis can cause autism and this little scrunch from Mel as he passes behind her
Ep 2: 8:00 AM
Mel comes back up to Frank, he asks her about the VA and why she chose PTMC. She tells him about her sister and the care facility Becca goes to, at which point Trinity comes up and Frank immediately turns around to hear her case. (Maybe he wasn't prepared for the info dump, since he starts doing these rapid little nods like he's ready to move on from the polite smalltalk)
The e-scooter patient arrives and needs a crike; Frank tells Mel to do it and when he passes behind her this time she doesn't react
CRIKE SCENE: Mel starts the crike and the camera follows Frank looking at her right after she makes the initial cut at 12:21 (Now why would we need this shot when the focus is on Robby and Garcia talking Mel through the crike hmmmm)
We get our first "Mel, you ok?" when the crike is finished, for no discernible reason other than she just did the procedure all by herself or that she looks concerned at Garcia and Langdon's yapping. Frank makes sure to lean in to catch Mel's eye, as if to clarify that he and Yolanda are joking.
We get our second "You ok?" from Frank and Mel explaining how she reacts emotionally to frustration. Frank empathizes with her ("Yeah, you and me both"), reassures her, and we get a little smile from her! (Wondering if this is a competency thing, like as soon as Frank sees she's skilled he's a little more interested in her? But we also see he's a good teacher, he doesn't shame her or tell her to buck up, just validates her success)
CAPTAIN SCURVY: Mel brings the scurvy case to Frank and he's already cracking jokes about piracy and peg legs. They have a little back and forth about Mel figuring out the joke and Frank being unduly proud of it. (Personally I squeal over this moment bc he's a) already treating her like he does all his other friends in the ED and b) Mel not understanding the joke isn't what's used for laughs. Frank is instantly on the same wavelength as her and keeps playing until she gets it.)
A little while later, while watching the social worker talk to Tyler's dad, we get our third AND FOURTH "You ok?" of the episode. Mel reveals she hates seeing families torn apart and Frank gives us some possible foreshadowing of white people not facing extreme consequences of drug-related charges. Mel goes outside to invoke Megan Thee Stallion. (I had not realized until this rewatch that the 4-part You Ok series all happened in one episode. Frank could you be more obsessed with her omg)
Ep 3: 9:00 AM
STEMI WITH ME, MEL: As soon as a STEMI is called in, Frank becomes a veritable puppy, claiming Mel for the STEMI when he has no clue where she is or what she's doing. They're grinning at each other like little kids, Mel tries to slap the door frame to copy Frank, best scene ever. The rest of the case is pretty sedate but this beginning makes it worth it.
Ep 4: 10:00 AM
ARTHROPOD IN THE EAC with Langdon watching Mel the whole time they're walking over (What's funny here is we could have gotten a shot of him rolling his eyes or making a smart remark at the patient shrieking but nope all his attention is on Mel for some reason 👀👀👀)
Ep 7: 1:00 PM
TERRANCE THE TABLE TENNIS PLAYER: Frank talks to Terrance and doesn't connect with him. He gives up talking to Terry pretty quickly
Trinity catches Mel alone and asks her about "hitting it off" with Frank, to which Mel responds with a smile and a comment about how Frank sweats a lot. (Girl.)
Mel then asks Frank if anything is wrong, notices Terry is autistic, and offers to talk to him. Frank replies that he can see three other patients in the meanwhile and goes off.
Literally a minute after Mel starts talking to Terry, Frank comes back to open the door and try to continue with Terry. Mel explains the injury in detail to Terry for at least a few minutes and Frank is simply observing in the back. While walking out, he is clearly curious and impressed and inquires how Mel did it, if Mel and her sister are close, and then cuts her off once she starts explaining. Mel is happy anyway, presumably about the patient and continuing to hit it off with Frank. (Frank for christ's sake listen to her talk about her sister) (The shot of Frank here is hilarious bc if you wanted to show him being impressed as a mentor, you could have him looking? Interested? Intrigued? Instead he's just staring straight at Mel with an amazed look like ok buddy)
AMBULANCE BAY SCENE: After Terrance leaves Frank finds Mel outside. Mel is clearly unsure here while Frank compliments her skill with patients and says he's already learned a few things from her. We get a tiny smile from Mel
Ep 9: 3:00 PM
FIGHT BITE: After the death of the little girl who drowned trying to save her sister (Ep. 8) and witnessing a fight in the waiting room, Mel misses a question for the first time. She's clearly shaken up and agitated by the redhead puncher yelling directly into her face. Frank notices, eyes her, and then asks "you ok?" (fifth time that day) when Mel flinches at the noise. She tries to blow it off but he tells her to go take a break while maintaining eye contact.
BREAK ROOM SCENE: The culmination of their mentor-mentee relationship, after Mel has succeeded repeatedly and Frank has learned from her. Frank has just lost his temper with Trinity, been yelled at by Robby, and knocked into Dennis in his haste to get to Mel.
Frank recognizes that Mel is feeling insecure about her place in EM and tell her she has the skills and fortitude to make it. "This is a tough place for sensitive people, but we need them, badly." He's pulling her back up to rejoin the fray. Mel is glad to hear this and even happier at the debridement job she gets from Frank. He clearly wanted to give her that specific job because he knew it would recenter her.
(Mel is just so cute here I can't stand it. Look how happy she is to be understood and pleasantly surprised that someone sees her)
Frank introduces Mel to the road rash patient as "Dr. Mel King, detail specialist." (Ok talk her up to anyone who'll listen why don't you 🤭)
Ep 11: 5:00 PM
Post the reveal that Frank has been diverting drugs and his departure, Mel asks Trinity where Frank is, wanting to tell him about the delivery she assisted with. When she discovers he's left, she's disappointed, though it seems this is something she's used to. (She's literally the 🥺 emoji)
Ep 12: 6:00 PM
REUNION!: Mel hears Frank before she sees him in the middle of the MCI, to which he's returned after getting kicked out by Robby. He also recognizes her voice from across the room and comes right over to assist her and Whitaker with the liver lac patient. She looks so happy to see him! (Considering this is the last time we see her happy for like 2 whole episodes, I will take this as a championship win 🏆🏆🏆)
Frank makes a quick joke about a mother and son reuniting in post-op; as if remembering Mel hates seeing families separated.
For their last interaction of the season, Frank takes the time to tell Mel and Dennis good job, and is so intent on doing it and watching Mel smile that he walks into a gurney
And that's it! I hope this is useful and/or fun to read through. I'm severely kingdon-pilled right now so I def enjoyed myself 😊
All fun and jokes aside. If the energy is not charged and intense next season between Sydney and Carmy I'm done with The Bear.
Like how in the world can they go back to normal after everything they said to each other. "You're suppose to be here". Sydney telling Carmy she wanted him there with her. "You're my partner" she's telling him I'm choosing YOU, even though hes always hurting her. "Any chance of good started when you walked into this building" that's Carmy confessing he sees her. That's him telling her he's been paying attention and tuning right into her from the very beginning. "You're The Bear" Now for the love of God.....if nothing else from that alley fight don't throw them off their axis.....that Fxing 3 letter word seal the deal. How can they go back to normal after that confession, that she's officially part of him. It was more than a love confession.😭😭😭 The raw emotiona, him seeing Sydney in distress and crying. There is no going back from all that. Carmy broke something in Sydney and if he's not a complete mess next season because of it.......I'm done. I know he's looking for peace and happiness, but I don't want him to find it until he's doing right by Syd. Yes, I'm being selfish. I know Carmy is traumatized and all, but that doesn't give him the right to hurt people who loves him and sacrifice alot for him. Healing is a team work thing. He needs to surround himself with people who love and support him. Hurting Syd n The Bear Family is unacceptable. Traumatized or not.
I love that Carmy put it all out there for her to hear bcuz he realized she wanted him there😭😭😭. He thought she didn't and that's why she didn't sign the agreement. Now, both of these dumbaxx kids thinking they don't want each other. While Sydney wants Carmy and Carmy needs Syd.
Season 5 have to be intense. I want to see how unstable Carmy's gonna be when Syd ghost him like he ghosted Claire.
Can he go weeks or months without talking to Syd?
How will Sydney distancing herself affects him?
How will Carmy feel seeing Richie steal/gain the attention of someone he loves or admire again?
When will Syd confess about EMP!? Why is it taking forever?? TF! That confession better be the biggest thing in tv history since I have to wait 10,000bc for it. LMAO.
Just venting cuz season 4 got me all the way fx.ed up! Carm and Syd was next level intimate without even touching. Claire got nothing on them. It's time for Carmy to stop the emotional cheating and just choose Sydney.
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