Wake me up in a dream worth writing.

[ivannababypanda]

I knew you didn't want to be there. I could see it in your eyes. But I held onto your effort. I knew you were trying. You were trying to prioritise me, but you really didn't want to be there.

I knew.

I loved you first.

[ivannababypanda]

My mother asked

'Would you have anyone when you really need help?'

It felt like my silence filled up the imaginary space between us, through a phone call.

I said, 'I stopped trusting people to be there for me, even when I really need it. I only trust myself to pull myself through, even if I need to cry on the floor, or be paralysed for a day or two from extreme sadness, helplessness, or loneliness.'

My mother was quiet on the other end. I couldn't really tell what she was thinking.

My mind wandered to 3 nights ago, when I pulled a towel across my face and sobbed into it, feeling an extreme sense of loneliness, a loud, sobbing resilience, a brokenness you can hear - so ugly, so painful, so persisting. My heart throbbed at his name, his promises, while I begged on the floor for one more kiss.

I whispered, again, 'I don't trust that I will have people. I only trust that I will be okay. Bleeding or crying, I will be okay.'

Excerpts of her

[remanence-of-love]

[ivannababypanda]

You don't hurt people who you love.

You say you love me

Why do I find myself crying in my bed on a Monday afternoon?

I give you my heart, my love, my time, everything. I consider you in things I do, plans I make. But why do I have to beg for your time?

Not even a flower, not even a gift card, not even a I miss you

What am I doing?

Why is this happening again?

I really tried

I really, really, really tried

[ivannababypanda]

To myself, walking into 2025

I don't remember when I stopped chasing. I don't remember when I stopped worrying about my waist, my hair, my collar bones, my back, my love handles, my legs. I don't remember when I stopped hearing their suggestions for me to lose targeted weight, a little bit here and there. I don't remember when I stopped wanting to afford designers.

Well.

I wasn't all of what I wanted to be. I hated my waist, my hair, my collar bones, my back, my love handles, my legs. I hated my arms, my smile, my eyes, my laugh. I learnt to breathe quietly, I learnt to only sit with my legs crossed, I learnt to look up at men with slow gazes while I swept across the room with drinks and dresses.

Then.

I forgot.

Suddenly I walked for days, I climbed for days, I gasped for air while I continued swimming. I failed but I got up and tried again. My waist suddenly didn't matter, my legs stronger than what I remembered them to be. I tired my body, but my heart increased her rate and my mind continued ahead. And it's like I don't remember when I stopped chasing anymore, where there was an invisible line I cannot quite recall.

Now I am 29 turning 30. I look into the mirror. My skin 10 shades darker, my collar bones more prominent than ever. I don't wear a bra so my chest looks right, I don't skip a meal because my love handles jut out too much. I never wore designers, but these clothes flow on my body well if not better. I don't read about entertainments but I listen to history and discovery. I undress for knowledge and values and not for just a warm body.

I am 29 turning 30. I will understand this -

I am the most beautiful I have ever been. I am the most resilient, repeating steps they never took. I am the strongest and the most reliable. I love so hard I love so real I love so genuinely.

I have values I create and keep. My presence is a blessing, my love a gift. I will repeat this to myself - if I am not loved, if I am not valued -

Leave.

For I am the best version I will be today, and I can only belong to places and hearts that are special to me, for me.

[ivannababypanda]

Sometimes I think

You're too happy for me

Or I'm too sad for you

But I also love to be around your happiness, and I worry I don't reciprocate as much back to you

It then becomes that I never cry to you, very many times only to myself, and some days that feels too much, making me emotionally very vulnerable

But I also think

I am very emotionally vulnerable now

And maybe that's why some things and emotions become amplified so quickly

Maybe that's why my face care products often become the victim and get washed away so carelessly

My pillows wet with tears

Someone please

Save me

[ivannababypanda]

I wanted to stomp and throw a tantrum and yell

Losing me is your lost.

But instead

As always

I hugged myself and buried my face into the stained pillow and cried quietly.

Wondering

If the sadness had drowned my sobs, or if the ugly sounds of crying had drowned me

So I breathe.

No

Don't stomp, don't throw a tantrum, don't yell

Don't withhold love because I'm hurt

Don't

Just give me silence

And let me

Heal.

[deadlypoetacademia]

[ivannababypanda]

Summer and you

Popsicles and bobs

I thought I healed a heart they broke

I believed I could confidently love you

But their horror stories haunt me day and night

My heart rearranging herself into pieces I didn't remember exist.

Summer and you

I remember that warm night cold shower floor salty tears all melange into one

I remember not being able to differentiate dreams and reality, not being able to remember if my heart was clawed out by you or me

I remember the forgotten the forbidden

Clenched teeth clenched fist

I begged you please don't hurt me

Summer and you

Winter and I

I love you with all that I have

You gave me a reserved heart

I thank you for keeping yourself away

So I can laugh and pick myself up and pretend I never gave you the dollar I never had

[mournfulroses]

Yannis Ritsos, trans. by Kimon Friar, from a poem featured in "Erotica: Love Poems,"

[ivannababypanda]

当你感叹人生的短暂

你是否体验人生的脆弱

你是否体会这短暂也许不剩明天

你是否体会失去的永恒

你是否了解人生的意义

[500lettersforyou]

“Anyone who has actually been that sad can tell you that there’s nothing beautiful, literary or mysterious about depression.”

— Excerpt of a book I’ll never write

[ivannababypanda]

I sit cross legged at the end of the table

Remembering all the hurt

The hurt they didn't see.

But the doubt they created

The doubt they continued to believe even when I stopped, even when I wanted to be happy, for once.

Their doubt,

Always bringing me back

[remanence-of-love]

[ivannababypanda]

And then, he came along.

So when he said he loved me, I broke down and cried. I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried. Someone who genuinely wants to know about my day, someone who genuinely wants to hear about my day, someone who wants to spend time having long conversations with me.

And I promised.

I will brave this world, his world, my world, together with him.

[joytri]

[lunamonchtuna]

— Susan Sontag, from “Death Kit,” (1967) (via lunamonchtuna)

[dumblr]

Some nights, I wonder if it hurt you as much as it hurt me. Other nights, I wonder does it really matter?