ivannequished

counting words and reading numbers

[meanwhilepoetry]

Whoever told you that you were hard to love didn’t truly see you when you spoke about everything you loved, didn’t understand your passion, didn’t know how hard it was for you to get up every morning despite the world trying to knock you down again. You are a bright burning galaxy and some people aren’t worthy of your light - but they don’t want to admit that the fault is their own. You aren’t hard to love. They just didn’t know how to love you for who you are.

Nikita Gill

[maxwelldpoetry]

“Breathe. You are still here. There is still oxygen coursing through your lungs. Your heart is still beating, even if the rhythm is a little off. You can still speak and laugh. The music you call your existence hasn’t come to an end. You have survived. Breathe. Despite the chaos brewing in the world around you, and despite the chaos inside of you, you are still here. It’s okay if last year didn’t go as you planned. You are far stronger than you ever thought you were. Be kinder to yourself. Breathe. You made it.”

— Maxwell Diawuoh, “Out with the old, in with the new.” (01/01/2021)

[ivannequished]

INKED - Chapter 3

Eight months after their first date, Luhan and Luna had gone on countless dates. They’re exclusively dating. They obviously like each other and neither makes an effort to hide that from the other.

“You love him, don’t you?” Zane pressed Luna for an answer. They are having their girl’s night out at Luna’s apartment this time.

Luna only nodded.

“So, what’s stopping you from making it official?” Zane asked.

“Is the feeling not mutual?” Anya asked with a raised voice.

Zane elbowed Anya. “Have you not seen the boy? Luhan is whipped for our girl here. He looks at you like you’re the moon or maybe even universe. And he doesn’t even know that you’re the moon.” Zane made a reference to Luna’s name.

Luna couldn’t help but smile at that.

Luhan has met her friends a few months back. Her friends have been complaining that Luhan has been hogging Luna all for himself and they rarely see her. They fell in love with Luhan on their first meeting and have given their vote of confidence to be his boyfriend. ‘Luna, you hit the jackpot with that one,’ Anya once exclaimed.

“You’ve been dating each other for eight months. You never took that long before.”

“I guess I’m scared. This whole thing with Luhan isn’t the same as the others before. I’m scared I’ll lose him to fate.”

“And this is why I kept telling you to find your soulmate.” Zane let out a sigh of annoyance.

Anya threw a pillow at Zane. “You idiot! Our girl right here is in way too deep with Luhan and that’s what you tell her.”

Luna laughed, grateful that Anya understands the unspoken words.

Luna is in love with Luhan. There was no point in denying that. What she felt for Luhan was different and she knows it. Her past relationships were like thunderstorms. It was a love that leaves only wreckage behind. Luhan was the calm she never knew she needed. It wasn’t the earth shattering, gravity defying love. It was peaceful, the type that lulls you to sleep, a love that makes her feel safe. A love that feels like home. With Luhan, she felt like she can stop being strong all the time because she knows he would be there to hold her. With Luhan, she willingly broke all the walls she built all her life to let him in safely in her heart. And that’s what scares her. What if Luhan wasn’t in for the long haul? What if Luhan doesn’t feel as strongly for her as she does for him? What if one day Luhan decides to leave her and find his soulmate, just like all the others before him? It never scared her before. It was all part of playing against fate. But Luhan is so much more than fate that sometimes Luna can’t help but wish Luhan was her soulmate.

That night the three cramped themselves into Luna’s bed. While her two friends sleep peacefully beside her, Luna’s mind darts back to that one night she spent in Luhan’s apartment.

“Why do you not believe in fate?” Luhan asked out of nowhere.

Luna looked at Luhan’s brown eyes and saw how curious he is. She debated whether to answer or to just change the topic but settled for the former.

“Because fate doesn’t mean a happy ever after. Because you might be soulmates but still not end up spending the rest of your lives together. Because being soulmates doesn’t mean you would love that person forever. Because fate does not guarantee you wouldn’t get hurt. Fuck it, fate might actually be the reason why you get hurt so badly.”

Luna did not realize she has balled her hands into a fist until Luhan reached for her hand.

“I’ve seen it firsthand. I’ve seen how badly fate can hurt people. My parents are soulmates, but they divorced. My mom stayed with my dad for a very long time, believing fate would work its magic and make them okay again. My mom had to go through so much because she was holding on to a marriage for me, for a soulmate who is no longer in love with her. My dad cheated on my mom couple of times, but my mom thought my dad would always come back to his senses, to her, since they’re soulmates. Fate failed her though.” Luna laughed bitterly.

“Sorry you had to go through that.” Luhan was still holding her hand, massaging it gently.

“I guess I just wanted to be loved for who I am. I want someone to fall in love with me as I am and not because I’m his soulmate. I want someone to love me on his own free will and not because he is forced to like me because that what fate dictates.” Luna spoke her truth. She hasn’t told anyone about this and telling Luhan about this made her feel completely exposed.

“I like you whether you’re my soulmate or not.” Luhan said looking into Luna’s eyes.

“I think we’ve already established that from our first date.” Luna teased Luhan and the latter smiled and tightened her hold on Luna’s hand. “What about you? Why don’t you believe in fate? Or was I wrong to assume you don’t believe in fate since you’re here dating me who isn’t your soulmate?”

Luhan was silent for a few seconds, as if he was carefully choosing his words.

“It’s not that I don’t believe in fate.” Luhan started and Luna could feel her heart tighten already.

“This whole thing started as a revenge to my soulmate to be honest. I wanted to hurt her too in some way.”

Luna looked at Luhan incredulously.

“Have you ever heard about some soulmates being more connected than others?”

Luna nodded.

“Guess me and my soulmate is one of those few ones. There’s always this burning pain in my chest where her name is inked. I’ve read somewhere that when you’re more connected to your soulmate, when your soulmate dates or falls in love with someone other than you, you would feel it.”

This whole admission was keeping Luna dumbfounded.

“It started as that though,” Luhan continued. “Since she doesn’t want to do anything with me, I figured I might as well do what she’s doing and go on dates. I started more than two years ago. I’ve just had enough of getting hurt together with her and decided to find someone to spend the rest of my life with since clearly my soulmate doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

Luna still hasn’t said a word. It was a lot to take in for her. Luhan raised his hands to hold Luna’s cheek to get her to look at him in the eyes.

“I really like you though. Please don’t think of you being a rebound or me trying to use you to get over my soulmate. I was not in love with her. How am I supposed to be in love with someone I only know the name of? Sure, I’ve been curious about her. I did try to find her until five years ago but that was it.”

Where Luhan’s hands touched her, Luna’s skin burns. Or maybe it was the serious look in Luhan’s eyes that’s making her insides feel warm. Luhan’s admission was not something she foresaw. It makes her more scared knowing how connected Luhan is to his soulmate. She has heard about it but had never personally knew anyone who had that connection. Well, aside from herself, that is. But no one knows about it and it is a secret she will keep until her grave. But there was something in Luhan’s words and assurance, the way he touches her, the way he looks at her, that makes her want to try and risk it all for Luhan.

Luna hopes Luhan would be worth breaking her heart again for.

[ivannequished]

INKED - Chapter 2

It was just a coffee date. She had been to countless dates before, but Luna couldn’t remember if she was ever this nervous. Maybe because she doesn’t have any idea how the guy would look like. Or maybe because she has a crush on a guy she only knows by a fake name and she wants to make a good first impression.

She had her hair done in a salon, got it slightly curled. She didn’t want to wear too much makeup and settled for lipstick, slight blush on her cheeks and foundation. She put on her black high heels, a high waist jean and a plain blue blouse. And off she goes to meet this mystery man of hers.

Luna arrived ten minutes early than their meeting time, but she was shocked to see a handsome boy with milky white skin, already waiting for her, nervously looking at his phone while tapping his right foot.

“Hey, are you Luhan?” Luna greeted the nervous guy.

“Yes, that’s me. You’re Iris?” Luhan stood up to and offer his hands to Luna, who now goes by Iris.

The two had been texting for two months and they have agreed to keep their names a secret until they have mutual feelings for each other, or once they decided to stop getting to know each other, whichever comes first.

Looking at Luhan up close, Luna couldn’t help but be breathless. The guy looked like he stepped out of a magazine even when he was wearing something so simple. He was wearing a grey long sleeve polo which he folded at his elbows. His face is probably what angels look like if they really exist, Luna thought.

“You’re early,” Luna broke the ice.

“You’re early too. I think we still have a few minutes before our supposed meeting time.”

“I guess you’re excited to see me,” Luna joked.

A blush crept at Luhan’s face. “I am,” Luhan said shyly, as he mindlessly thumbed through the menu. “And I think you mentioned you hate people getting late to appointments.”

“Oh, you remembered that.” Luna can’t even remember when she exactly told him about that pet peeve of hers, but she appreciates that Luhan remembered.

What Luna thought would be an awkward first meeting turned into a comfortable conversation instead. They kept talking about random stuffs, getting to know more about each other and when silence enveloped them, it wasn’t the awkward one. A few hours and a cup of coffee and lemonade later, the two has decided to watch a movie, not seeming to want to end their first date and let go of each other’s company.

“You sure you don’t want to text your Mom first?” Luhan said as they walked to his car.

“Huh? Why should I text my mom? I’m an adult.” Luna replied.

Luhan chuckled at the confused Luna. “I mean your friend. Zane, was her name, I think? I don’t want them to worry about you.”

It was only then that Luna realized Luhan was joking. She told Luhan about her hangout last night with her friends and how overprotective her friends seem.

“You’re right. I should tell my Mom otherwise you might come home to find police officers waiting at your doorstep to charge you with kidnapping. Might as well give her your license plate.” Luna said as he slid to into Luhan’s passenger seat, after the latter opened the door for her.

The drive to the cinema was short and they talked about the movie they will watch.

“Why not?” Luhan asked when Luna said she doesn’t want to watch a romantic film. “Isn’t that like girls’ go to film?"

“Well, I’m not most girls. Sorry to break it to you. “

“What about horror?”

“Have you been watching cliché films? You won’t get the same reaction from me as those you’ve watched. I’m not one to be scared easily and end up gripping your arms or whatever,” Luna teased.

“Let’s watch action then. I think F9 is showing.”

“Deal.”

“Are you serious? You really want to watch that on our first movie date?” Luhan asked surprised by how easily Luna agreed on the recommendation.

“Yes. Why not? I’ve watched all the other films in the franchise with my brother. And I’ve been wanting to watch it so it’s a win-win situation for me.” Luna shrugged her shoulders.

The movie doesn’t start until an hour later so the two spent some more time getting to know each other. After the movie, they decided to have dinner before finally calling it a day.

“Thanks for today.” Luna texted Luhan once she got home.

She had more fun today than she expected. There was something with Luhan that makes her feel at peace and comfortable. It was like she had known him for a long time.

That night Luna fell asleep dreaming of Luhan’s long eyelashes and delicate lips.

[ivannequished]

INKED - Chapter 1

Soul mates. Everyone longs to find that one person who was carved from the same soul as them. In a world where the first name of that person is etched on your body, Fate has made it obvious who you are supposed to end up with. No more needless dating just to find ‘The One’. No more unnecessary heartbreaks. No more wasted time running after a person who you’re not destined to be with. Fate has tattooed that person’s name on your body, all you have to do is find them.

Everyone is obsessed with finding the person who owns the name inked on their body. Fate might have named them but finding them is another thing. They could be living halfway across the world doing god knows what nonsense. They could be people who does bad things. If that’s the case, will you still blindly follow fate and be with them if your moral compass tells them they scream nothing but danger? This is what Luna thinks when people around her ask her why she is not paying any efforts to find her soulmate.

“Luna, why don’t you try? He could be a total angel. Who knows?” Zane argued. They have had this argument a couple of times and she’s too drained to even bother explaining things all over again. They are at Zane’s apartment helping her setup her surprise for her husband for their fifth wedding anniversary.

Luna has been named when she was 20 years old. There was a sudden searing pain at her lower back when the naming occurred. Her friends had been excited because finally she has been named and wanted to help her find her soulmate. Luna couldn’t care less whether she finds him or not. Eight years later and her sentiments remain the same.

Zane, her best friend of ten years, kept urging Luna to try and find her soulmate. Zane who found her soulmate in just a week after being named and is now happily married to him, still thinks Luna should take a chance on her soulmate instead of the mindless dating she’s been doing for the past two years. Luna hasn’t been a relationship in 2 years after breaking up with her last boyfriend who suddenly wanted to go back to his soulmate after going out with Luna for 3 years.

“It’s been eight years Zane. If he really wanted to find me, shouldn’t he find me by now? Besides, this whole soulmate thing is nothing but bullshit.”

“Amen to that,” Anya interjected.

“You’re just bitter that you’re unnamed.” Zane joked and Anya pretended like she was hurt.

“We get it. You’re happy with your soulmate. That’s why were here with this mess.” Luna pointed at her fingers which are now covered with glitters. “I’m going on another date tomorrow by the way.”

“What? Why am I only hearing this now?” Zane protested. “Anya, do you know about this?”

“This is the first time I am hearing this too,” Anya replied, sounding concerned.

“Okay calm down Mom. Remember the guy I was texting for the past months? I definitely told you about him.” Luna said defensively. “We decided to finally meetup.”

“You sure this one is not some psycho? Luna, I swear to god if something happens again…” Zane’s voice trailed off. Anya and Zane are having flashbacks of the last date Luna had. The guy was a total creep and had tried to drug Luna on their first date. Good thing Zane’s husband happened to be in the same restaurant they were in, so he was able to step in before anything happened.

“Relax. This one’s a friend of my officemate so he’s harmless. Or so I’ve heard. We’ve been texting for two months and he seems like a really nice guy.”

After some bickering and interrogation about the guy and the date, Zane and Anya only agreed to let Luna go alone after knowing the details of where they will be meeting up.

[ivannequished]

INKED

In an alternate universe where the name of 'The One' is inked in your body, will you follow fate's decree, or will you go against it and find your own happy ending?

Disclaimer: This story is based on Dear My Name, a web drama I found in Youtube. Characters in this story are based on my imagination and has nothing to do with the drama. I only borrowed the concept of having the name of your soulmate engraved in your body.

I also don’t know if this counts as a fan fiction since I named the main characters after my first bias in Kpop (Luhan) and my first anime crush (Syaoran). Yes, I suck at naming my characters so I end up borrowing their names instead.

I haven't been writing lately and this is probably the first story I have written in 5 years so please bear with me. Just wanted to share it here to commemorate me writing something longer than a haiku after 5 years.

[ivannequished]

When I fell for you

I forgot I still needed

To love myself too.

[ivannequished]

My mind's losing you

The times we shared are all gone

Only your name stays.

[ivannequished]

I needed you more

Than the sunlight on my face

Than the air I breathe

[ivannequished]

I gave it my all

Even when I knew I'd lose

I've got no regrets.

[ivannequished]

Ten years had passed by

But each time I try to write

Its still about you.

[ivannequished]

Will I ever stop

Writing poetry out of

The love we once had?

[ivannequished]

Im used to it now

The silence that follows when

I say I love you.

[ivannequished]

In the dark of night

Bound by your hugs, I wonder

Do you still love me?

[ivannequished]

What I am to you:

One of the books on the shelves

Waiting to be read.

[ivannequished]

Placed pieces of you

In every poem I wrote

I'm still not done yet.

[ivannequished]

I still think of you

But these days I've started to

Think of myself too.