life is a pigsty

yeah I have a crush and he happened to be my teacher, so what? I’ll call him Mark and I’m V. He’s not my teacher anymore and I’m 21 and in college so you can’t say shit. He went from being in my life to out to back in so yeah.

[iwantlove-or-death]

He called me.........drunk?

Ok so y’all know st. Patrick’s day was a couple days ago and I worked that day so I didn’t have any plans. On my break I looked through IG and saw everyone drinking of course and then I saw Marks IG story and he was getting drunk too and from the look of it he seemed drunk already.

Anyways I go on with my day and finally I’m off work. Now I got off at work late like at 11pm and then I went home laid and chilled for a little before I fell asleep. It was about midnight when is started getting a call. I was like wtf?

So anyways I look at the screen and it’s MARK and I didn’t answer right away cause to be quite honest I didn’t believe it. I thought he had dialed me in accident and was gonna hang up but no. It kept ringing so finally I pick up and I’m like

“Ugh hello?” And instantly Mark is screaming in my ear!!!!!

“Oh my god (my name) you answered!! I knew you would” and I instantly started giggling cause like wtf you know?

And so I asked him like “oh what’s up? Why’d you call me?” And he was like slurring his words and basically just said how he just wanted to talk to one of his favorite people. Instantly I asked (which I don’t know why I keep doing this) “where’s your wife?” And he’s like “pfffft” he said he didn’t know. That they had gotten into an argument and she walked away somewhere. So of course me being a dumbass I told him “you should go find her and apologize” and he started laughing talking about how I didn’t know what the fight is about so how do I know he’s wrong.

And it’s a fair point but still you know? So anyways he’s like “forget about that I’ll talk to her later when we go home. I wanna know what you’re doing” so I told him about my day and that was it. Next thing you know he cuts me off in the middle of the convo says he found his wife and he’s gonna talk to her and so he said bye and so did I.

When I hung up I just laid there looking at the abyss and said

Wtf was that?

[iwantlove-or-death]

hey ik you got a lot going on but are you able to give some advice ><

Oh I can absolutely give advice if you need it !!!! :) 

[iwantlove-or-death]

Maybe I didn’t ruin it

So if you read my last post you know that I almost fucked up whatever it is I have with Mark. Well at least I thought I did because he recently messages me again. It wasn’t anything interesting he just said Hi and how I was doing. 

He did apologize though saying I was right, that he shouldn’t be coming to me for his problems. So I told him that, that didn’t mean he should stop coming to me if he has something to get off his chest. I simply just said that he should talk about it with his wife too since that's what she's there for!!! through thick and thin you know? 

I even asked him why he felt the need to come to me instead of his wife. He said and I quote “Honestly, sometimes it feels like she doesn’t care.” and I asked him what he means about that and to summarize it, he thinks that his wife has more things to complain about because of her field of work and that he feels like his complaints aren’t as big as hers so he doesn’t try. He also said that even if he did tell her, she just compares it to the problem she's going through and how they are so much worse so he just stopped. 

Which I know sounds bad and I know what he means because Im sure plenty of us experience that. I did end up feeling bad so I said I was sorry he felt that way and he said that, that’s why he always comes to me because I never try to invalidate his feelings and he never invalidates mine either. I texted him that, that was sweet of him. So I reminded him that he can come to me anytime. 

I also mentioned that he should call me more often because I miss the sound of his voice. I tried to make it flirty but nit really because I know he still really loves his wife. 

I wanted to say more, maybe put a heart in there but I know it’s no use. 

[iwantlove-or-death]

We talked on the phone

He texted me last night asking if he can call me and I said of course and when I picked up we were like quiet.

Like I picked up the phone and I was so shy for some reason. I just said hello and usually he’ll be enthusiastic and be like hey (my name) how’s it going? But even he paused for a moment before he said “hi” and like it was just awkward silence.

Of course I tried to break the silence and so I asked him “what’s up?” And he was like “nothing I just wanted to talk to you instead of texting” and so we did talk. He updated me about his life I updated about mine and we just kinda vented to each other. It

It was really nice. I asked him why all of a sudden he decided to message me now and so he told me “well to be honest. I missed how we used to talk you were there when I really needed to vent to someone and I missed you talking about your problems too.”

I didn’t really know how to react to that. A part of me just wants to fall deeper in love with him. The fact that he thinks of me as someone he trust enough to talk to about things. I also love the fact that I can count on him if I really needed to. But a part of me doesn’t want to do that. I don’t want to be someone where he can dump all his emotional baggage and stop talking to me. I have feelings too.

So I told him “isn’t that what your wife is for? She’s supposed to be your person you guys love each other and should be able to talk to each other when you need to”

When I said it I immediately regretted it. I thought to myself, was that mean? It was silence for a while too after I said that. And he just sighed and said “you’re right”.

But then I got to thinking that maybe he has talked to her already. What if his wife’s response isn’t what he was looking for. I wanted to ask but I didn’t want to intrude any further. So we talked a little more after and he when we were about to hang up he thanked me and I said for what and he responded “for always being there for me. You’re really something special”

To be honest I froze after that. I didn’t know what to say I just remembered that my heart was racing. So I said thank you and we hung up. He hasn’t texted me since.......

Did I just ruin something?

[iwantlove-or-death]

It’s like the universe is fucking with me.

So in my last post I talked about how Mark and I don’t talk anymore like we used to and literally 2 days ago he MESSAGES ME.

Not only that but you know every single time we’ve talked it’s only been through Instagram messages. Well this time he actually asked for my number!!!!!!! Like he’s officially in my contacts.

And like don’t get me wrong I LOVE THAT HE MESSAGED ME but I’m also so confused like is the universe trying to tell me something or not!?!?!

[iwantlove-or-death]

“My sweetheart, where are you? I need someone to spend time with. To give and share all my love.”

[iwantlove-or-death]

Hey lovelies,

Wow it’s been so long since I’ve posted on here. How is everyone? Still in love with your teachers? (Because same)

Anyways unfortunately I don’t have anything to update because Mark and I don’t talk like we used to :( but it’s fine I’m learning to live with it little by little.

Although that doesn’t mean I’m over it completely. He still has a special place in my heart and who knows maybe one day just one day we’ll meet again.

I still wanna keep up with this account because I like to see the rest of you go through such a journey too. (Plus it makes me reminisce of simpler times) look at me, I’m talking like if I’m old (I’m only 21 but still)

But now that I’m older and wiser (I hope) I want to be here for you. So just know that I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about your tc with someone. Ask me question or just tell me about things.

Just know that I’m here listening even if you think no one else is.

[iwantlove-or-death]

“We’ll meet again, don’t know where, dont know when, don’t know how but I know we’ll meet again some sunny day.”

[iwantlove-or-death]

You already know the deal

I’m sorry I keep y’all waiting like this but college ain’t no joke chief im trying to get this degree.

But I do have a moment of pure silence so I took it upon myself to finish the rest of the story of when Mark and I “hung out” and went Christmas shopping together. (Ps we haven’t talked since and it’s already FEBURARY!!?!)

Also Happy late Valentine’s Day

Ok so going back to where I left off. After we left that certain store we had already been walking around for I wanna say at least an hour and honestly I was hungry and I was going to suggest let’s eat but I was scared but THANKFULLY Mark suggested we eat.

So I was like yaya so we went to the food court and we chose something to eat and HE PAID FOR ME 🥺🥺 what a sweetheart. So we ate and talked about what we were up to in life and it was nice.

When we were done we walked around a little more. He was able to buy gifts for his family and I was able to buy mine. Finally it was time to go home because it was getting dark and I had to take the bus home. So I told him that i had to go before it gets dark.

He like pouted and was like “aww so soon? We were having fun talking” and my heart went 🥺 but I basically said I gotta cause it’s getting late and we paused for a minute and LUCKILY he did what I hoped he would do. WHAT IVE WAITED FOR SINCE HIGH SCHOOL. He offered to take me home.

So even though in my head I was screaming

I had to play it cool you know? So I was like oh no I don’t want to wast your time. I can just take the bus and blah blah blah and he was like “no i insist cmon” so then I was like ok.

So we walked to his car we put our stuff in his trunk and we went driving. And I was just so happy like have you ever seen a coming of age movie where the girl is like staring out the car window while beautiful music plays in the background and you can tell she’s in her own world. That was me.

That was me the whole way home. We talked more we laughed and we sung along to a couple of song. Then he asked if I wanted to get coffee and I was uhhhh FUCK YEAH. so we did that and talked more and then he dropped me off

We said our goodbyes and he said he had a really nice time and I was like me too and then he just said “talk soon. Don’t be a stranger” and I said “I won’t” and he left. I got home and surprisingly no one was there so I just kinda sat in my room starring into the abyss as beautiful music played behind me and I wrote down everything that had happened that day.

[sea-of-lover]

some thoughts.

I’ve kinda had enough of people saying that when you crush on a teacher, it’s a fetish. Yes, to some people that might be the case, some fantasy that is uniquely focused on a sexual manner. But to others, and most I might add, it is the occurrence of actual human feelings, raw emotion.

If there’s something I’ve learned over the years is that love happens, especially when you least expect it. I, for once, am more than aware of what stands between me and this crush of mine, of the consequences, of everything that makes it so “weird” to other people. But I did not ask to fall for anyone, I did not force my feelings, I did not wake up one day and decide I would have a crush on my teacher.

And sparing myself of any heartbreak or consequences on both ends, I have tried to get over him, just as I’ve done with my previous crushes and I’ve failed. It doesn’t get any easier just because “it’s a teacher” and you know why? Because I see him as a human being.

Take away his job, his title, his position, his authority. He is a human being that breathes and walks and speaks and dreams and feels and thinks. I’m not saying that his profession should be dismissed had I thought of “making a move” — which I will not, — but what so many people forget is that that person is a regular human being. Is there an age difference? Yes. Is it big? Small? Depends. I’m not condoning or encouraging anyone to put themselves or their teachers in dangerous positions, mind the circumstances, I’m just saying that those feelings aren’t always seen as a fetish or a joke. Those feelings are valid if they are pure.

And a crushing majority of us in the TC community know boundaries, know limits, know what to do and not to do. In this community we are not looking for people to tell us that we should go after it, that they love us and we should take the jump. We are looking for support, for a sense of belonging, for understanding. Being able to talk to people about something you have to keep for yourself most of the time takes a huge weight off your shoulders. To know that someone out there understands makes it a lot easier, because not a lot of people do.

I’m trying to say that our feelings are valid, just as everyone else’s are. I am not one to shame someone for the type of person they go after. I have my preferences, I find some things odd too, but it’s not my place to put someone down for anything. People need to understand that having a crush on a teacher DOES NOT mean we want to have sex with them, hurt them in any way, jeopardise their personal and professional lives. That is a generalisation and if I’m correct, we’ve been fighting pretty hard to put a stop to those.

You may not understand it or agree to it, and that’s fine, but I’m just asking for respect. Because having someone tell me that my feelings are “disgusting”, “a joke”, “stupid”, hurts a hell of a lot more than people think. These feelings are not something we take lightheartedly, it’s something that weighs heavy upon us most of the time. And I can tell you, nobody in the world would willingly want to put themselves through the hopelessness and the blur that we feel sometimes.

It is not a choice, please know that. A choice, however, is how we deal with it. And as I’ve said, most of us do not act upon what we feel because we respect both ends and don’t want to hurt the other person in any way. We know our limits.

Don’t make us seem like helpless little girls who quote Lolita for fun and draw “Future Mrs. _________” in their notebooks. Validate our feelings and don’t turn someone’s emotions into a couple of laughs.

[teachmehowtolovesir]

Thanks for this

[hopelessteachercrushes]

If you’re in the TCC don’t you dare scroll past and not repost

[boringtcblog-deactivated2020020]

This is the pure truth behind most of the people in the tcc! Thank you for writing this!!!!

[iwantlove-or-death]

“ I am dangerously in love with you”

- you set me free

[iwantlove-or-death]

So like, we kinda hung out

Part 2!!

Ayoooo I’m back to tell y’all the rest but before I start.....

Ok so after Mark had suggested that we should shop together I was LIKE OVER THE MOON I WANTED TO SCREAM OF PURE JOY

So anyways I said “ok” like a dumbass I really wish I had a better response to that. Oh well so basically we just walked around that same store for like a good 30 min and it was great we were just talking and catching up. We talked about what presents we wanted to get for our family and it was cool.

BUT THEN

We left the store and we walked around the mall a little and we went into a CERTAIN STORE. I’m not gonna say the name but I’m sure when I explain it most of y’all will know what store I’m talking about.

Ok so personally I like this store they have a lot of cool t shirts and funny toys and other stuff BUT IN THE BACK OF THE STORE they have a lot of “special” toys, if you know what I mean

Anyways so as we are walking through this store we go TO THE FUCKING BACK AND YOU KNOW AT FIRST I WAS LIKE WTF BECAUSE I DIDNT KNOW IF MARK KNEW WHAT WAS IN THE BACK BUT HE WAS THE LEADER IN HERE SO I WAS FOLLOWING AND I WAS GONNA SAY LIKE Hold tf up there chief BUUUUUUUUT HONESTLY I WAS KINDA DOWN.

So now we are in the back and I AM DYING LIKE I AM GIGGLING. I CANT KEEP MY SHIT TOGETHER. I CANT LOOK AT HIM. MY FACE IS BURNING. AND HE FUCKING NOTICES

He was giggling and he was like “hey (my name) look at this” and he pointed at like a sexy costume for guys but like I COULDNT BARE to LOOK AT HIM. And this fucker calls me out and starts giggling with me like “what’s wrong (my name) can’t bare to look at me while I’m holding this sexy costume” and I DIED. And then he was like “alright alright I’ll put it back but seriously how funny would this be if I bought it and showed it to my wife” and STILL NOT LOOKING AT HIM I RESPONDED “yeah I’m sure she’ll love it. I know I would” and TO BE HONEST I WAS SOOOOO FLUSTERED THAT I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE WHAT I HAD SAID UNTIL A COUPLE SECONDS IN OF SAYING IT! And he responded with “wow (my name) is this what you look for in a man?” And I started cracking up and I was like stuttering and I just had to get out of there and he starts laughing with me and he was like “just kidding just kidding” and he like pulled me back and he HAD HIS ARM AROUND ME and he said “alright let’s get out of here” and he like pattet me on the back and it was a funny moment

ANYWAYS IMA END IT HERE AND GIVE PART 3 later!!!!

[iwantlove-or-death]

So like, we kinda hung out?

Part 1 (only because a lot happened!!!)

Yes you are reading that right. The love of my life Mark and I hung out but it wasn’t on purpose but by accident.

So as Christmas approaches I began to start looking for Christmas presents for my family and friends. And since I can’t really ask people to come with me cause then it will ruin the surprise I decided to go alone.

It wasn’t anything new I’ve been to places by myself anD IM AN ADULT DAMIT.......kind of.

So I take the bus to the mall and it was alright. You know nothing new or weird going on. I was strolling around looking for things to buy and it was actually really nice

UNTIL!!!!!!!

I went inside a certain store and it was a pretty big store it had 2 floors and I was looking around towards the back where all the clearance stuff is lol cause IM CHEAP and BROKE so clearance it is!

So I’m like minding my business and looking around I only have one headphone in and I can hear someone pretty close but not too close almost as if they were walking towards the back. So anyways I can kinda hear this guy and his conversation and I don’t really pay attention but as he got close I can hear his voice a little clearer and it sounded kind of familiar. So I pause my music and try to listen without looking up cause I don’t want whoever it is to think I’m spying on them lol. So I’m listening and In my head I kept trying to figure out who the voice belonged to and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Regardless I wasn’t gonna look up because even if it was someone I knew I probably wouldn’t want to talk to them anyways so I kept my head down and then they stopped talking. I assume whoever it was left or they were done talking on the phone.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW I HEAR THE VOICE AGAIN

Except this time it’s directed to me!!!! I hear this guy say “oh my god. Well if it isn’t (my full name)”

And I completely freeze because now I know who it was. I look up and it was FUCKING MARK WITH A HUGE ASS SMILE ON HIS FACE!!

I was in total shock y'all like I didn't know what to do, but of course my natural reaction to everything that i didn't have time to mentally prepare myself for, I started getting anxiety and bad. 

So as soon as i look up I start to shake like really bad like have y'all ever seen how a chihuahua shakes all the time well I was like that and I tried to calm myself down because HELLLLOOOO Love of my life standing right in front of me 

So i try and relax and say Hi and of course when i do my fucking voice cracks so I say hi again and he goes over to me and gives me this HUGE BEAR HUG 

and i just kind of stand there cause this is a lot for me to take in but of course i give in and i hug him back. He smelled like cologne and it was amazing 

Anyways after that we were talking and he had told me that his wife and kids were going to be gone the rest of the day and so he decide that it was a perfect time to buy Christmas presents and I told him the same thing basically and I was ready to go our separate way because i didn't think he would want to keep talking let alone hang out. BUT BEFORE I CAN SAY GOODBYE HE INITIATED CONVERSATION AGAIN

He said and I quote “Well hey since we are both here together want to look around? Maybe we can help each other” and I had the biggest smile on my face and all i could say was “ok” and that my friends is part 1 

I will post the second part soon 

[iwantlove-or-death]

“Why can’t anyone fall in love with me?”

- am I even worthy of love?

[iwantlove-or-death]

I’ve always wanted to try this

I always wanted to become pen pals with someone. Like just the thought of sending someone a letter just to tell them about your day and vise versa. Just learning about each other through mail only. No social media no nothing.

If anyone’s interested please hit me up chief.

[iwantlove-or-death]

Yeah that didn’t last long

Lmaooooooo I’m a dumbass! Im a DUMBASS

I’m A dUmBaSs!!!

Ok well I gave tinder a shot and it was a complete FAILURE

Don’t get me wrong I matched with a good amount of people but OH MY GOD IS IT EXHAUSTING! Like making small talk fucking SUCKS also most of these boys just wanted to fuck and it was annoying.

I decided to tell Mark about it and well he left me questioning everything once again!

I hadn’t messaged him in a fat minute and I had posted something on my IG sorry and he had replied to it and we started talking a little. He asked me if anything new was going on and I said

“Yeah I decided to try Tinder 😏😣 and so far it is a failure!”

“Tinder? The dating app? I didn’t really picture you to do that”

“Yeah me either but aye a girls gotta try sometimes”

“Yeah well any matches?”

“A couple but they’re all boring. You’re more fun to talk to than them. Small talk sucks!”

“Yeah well of course I’m cool to talk to but so are you Miss (my last name) and I like talking to you”.

“Well thank you Mr. (his last name) very much appreciated”

And that was pretty much it and yeah :/. I miss talking to Mark all the time like we used to.

[iwantlove-or-death]

The tc community on tumblr : 💕🥴💕☺️🥰😘😍🥺💋👄👅👀💄💦💞❤️💓🧡💖💛💖🖤💜💚💘💕❣️💝

The tc community in real life :