it’s about 5:30am right now and i realize i haven’t updated here for months. normally that leads to worry, but i’m totally fine [for once].
i graduated high school with the right name announced and two diplomas [my chose and my birth name, in case, because my principal was the chillest dude]. i did an off broadway production of our show, the education project, at a festival [planet connections theatre festival] in nyc. and actually, since that last post [i think april?] i have been working on a comic with vivian.
it’s been really nice. i say it a lot, but this comic is actually bringing me happiness? like, part is the story is really swell. bunch of trans characters, queers everywhere really and it is really nice to bring good rep. hopefully it gets huge, or it crashes and burns and erases me from the planet. those are the outcomes i’d like. yeah. second part is it is just so fucking fun to work with vivian. i know she reads these when they come out, and yeah, i’m gonna keep talking about you to the public, so deal with me being annoying. also of course, the third part is that i’m getting practice in. followed closely by the fourth part being working with vi again.
not only is it like, i can make jokes and it’s fine, or i can be really out of it and ask the stupidest questions [because she is strictly the writer and i just draw dumb doodles from time to time - sometimes shit i draw ends up in the comic?], or even just fuck something up [normally in text] and totally not understand a fucking thing she has written in text or just explained to me, but all of those things are okay. because they’re normal, human mistakes and i am aware when i fuck up - though the other thing is it’s never huge, it’s normally like i misgender a character or i drew on the wrong layer and i get a bit soppy about those things.
but the part of her being like “it’s fine - take your time.” there is no human rush asides me, which is pretty nice. with captor i work alone - i write it, i edit it, i draw it, i publish it. sometimes i get into grooves, other times i’m on hiatus for months because i have another project and then it extends because i’m simply not feeling it. but with this comic, it’s just so interesting. because i’m not the writer, and i’m the smallest [probably not at all] influence to things in it, each chapter ends up being a pleasant surprise to me reading it. and sometimes i get really giggley at parts. like i’ve actually read a chapter to myself at 1am once and i was giggling so much my face felt so hot that i had to lay down for ten minutes before i continued. it was absolute enjoyment of something. something i’m technically a part of. though that isn’t lingo that there is a character based on me. but like, augh.
she let me. that’s the thing. vivian was on her own going “i want to write this thing and turn it into a novel or a videogame or a comic or something.” i, before even asking what it was about, just threw myself into her [this was not in person - i have never charged her. i did hit her in the chest once and i’m still really sorry about it] and just went “i’ll draw your comic.” and she said okay.
like, man, i don’t know. she is just fun to work with. she’s very laid back, but still on target. like, if either of us got to a point of slacking, we’d call it out. but normally it’s for a reason - some sort of family or mental blockage deal. but it’s a very strong and tight relation of balance. so it’s nice. with the added bonus of i never know what is going to happen next, it’s really nice.
so she is the writer and editor, and i am the illustrator and i do really small grammar edits when working on pages [sometimes commas disappear in space, and i shove them back where they were meant to be type deal]. there’s a really nice style to it [not like the characters, that’s how i normally draw], but it is black and white, but there is going to be color. blood is the one thing shown right now that is colored, but the second thing that is colored is technically a spoiler. so i’ll leave that be. you see it at the end of chapter 1-1 and a bit in 1-2 and then from there it’s willy nilly all of over the place.
i’m just in a really good balance of emotions now a days, and a lot of it is thanks to vivian. like i probably owe her big time for being so god damn annoying and my complaining and my general talking too much, but she’s just helped me a lot by just being there and enjoying my bullshit. i constantly try to do the same for her - be there constantly, try to make her happy when she’s down and it’s something i can fix with being funny or drawing stuff for her, or in really serious cases try to give the advice that my not-so-experienced-18 year old self can manage to rub out. but i don’t know how effective i am, or at what point it’s declared we’re pretty even on the “helping train.” i know she probably thinks it’s even, or that i do more for her than she does for me, but i never feel i do enough. so i keep trying.
overall, it’s hard to explain to people why i have such a strong friendship with vivian before they pull the “but you’ve only been friends with her for less than a year” or “oh my god you two are going to end up dating.” one, shut up, two, shut up. i have a girlfriend, a totally different trans woman, and while we wobble on the edges of having a healthy relationship sometimes, it’s still nice.
though it is a bit rough, because she’s not romantic and is sexually attracted to females [though she has ceased any sexual attraction by force because she’s going into the army [”as a man” no less]] and i’m demi the whole way around and a squishy emotional mess, it gets weird. and she switches a lot from herself, which i have to spend a while breaking down her male persona to get to, and said male persona. that’s why it’s a bit rocky, because she’s not out. i miss her a lot already and we’ve communicated very little in the past week and now it’s total silence that i have to endure for a month before i find out if she was sent off to bootcamp or if she came back home [mostly because her parents would be pissed and take her stuff away for a while].
i hope it is the ladder. she told me she was not having a swell time in the pre-bootcamp. apparently they stay up for 48 hours and then have 4 hours of sleep and repeat. and there is also intense physical training - she made a joke that her calves are insanely huge now. they also shave your head regardless of if you make it to bootcamp or not, so there is that now. i told her to grow her hair out now, just let it go, don’t cut it for years. if she comes back, she’s down for that. her family gave her a bunch of money, so she may get an apartment somewhere and it may be a backup/weekend deal for me, depending on how my situation works out.
the way that is going right now is an emotional roller coaster. on the one hand, i am very happy that in a few days i’m going to live with vi for a month. no rent needs to be paid, i’m going to learn how to do normal people chores like dishes, cooking, laundry, etc because my parents barred me from that [normally it’s the opposite?] so i’m just excited i have an opportunity to 1 get away from my parents 2 test waters living with vi [i don’t see many issues asides me being embarrassed about laundry] 3 hopefully swing an apartment despite my parents and live with vi and another friend 4 i think her little sisters have a garden and i am going to care for those plants like no ones business i’m so fucking excited. oh and of course 5 is we can work more effectively on the comic in person i think. i can ask shitty questions faster in person. but my parents have yelled at me a ton saying i’m not going to be able to do it and that i’m stupid and a piece of shit for trying to leave them. shit like that.
just thinking about that gets me upset. but i know i’ve just got to enjoy what is going on now. i’m going to work on the second chapter of this comic for the next few days, and then it’s a month with vi, then i go back home for a few days and i start college. where i live, i don’t care. i just know that depending on where i end up, it’ll be worse in some places than others. i also have to straighten out some college classes and meet with some people before orientation, but that’s more of a note to self than anything.
overall, yeah. i think i am doing better. i’m very excited for college, ignoring my face or my tone of voice when people ask me. i don’t want to seem so over excited and red faced so i normally just sound dry and look dead pan. but i really am. i wish i had a fuck ton of money - as does everyone - but really it would ease my living situation, it would ease my college payments, it would ease vivian’s loans, because that’s the fucking next thing i’d shove money at, trust me. i guess that’s part of the reason my mom is religious to the lottery. i’m normally not greedy with money - i’ll shell cash out when i have it for others, i’ll spend it on gifts and such. but honestly if i was given thousands, i’d want to live not with my parents first and then education related debts later, be it mine or my friends. i want to step out of the poisonous puddle and clean myself off before i lend a helping hand, ya know? but still. really happy with this comic. really happy with my co-worker. i’m pushing trans art again because i had a huge dry spell. but overall i am balancing really well on the line of emotionally content.
please check these out if you read this blog, it means a lot to me:
the comic vi and i are doing / trans arts / said comic’s tumblr for updates and stuff
