uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

[iwishiwereapigeon]

uh hi...

This is my intro post I guess

name: you can call me axe (like the weapon not the body spray)

age: older than 18 but not by a lot

pronouns: they/he/it (definitely subject to change)

This blog

this is my vent sideblog i'll talk about whatever is going on in my head that i need too get out without having to involve anyone i know irl

prepare to see a lot of self depreciation too

i sh and while no pictures will be posted on this blog i will talk about it. this blog isnt about pro-recovery vs anti-recovery but in this specific case i am not doing anything about it

oh and romanticisation of all that too as i took the phrase "finding beauty in unconventional places" and applied it too zealously

this blog will probably go inactive at times as it is my sideblog and i'll probably only use it whenever i really feel the need to

it's also subject to become an aesthetic blog if i ever want to reblog something like that lol

I like

music: jazmin bean, madmans esprit, visual kei in general but i didn't feel like listing the bands, dsbm, metalcore, poppy, femtanyl, echo and the bunnymen, been getting into vocaloid against my will (but i am solely responsible), among other things

hobbies: fencing (my main outlet for violence), drawing (i probably won't post that either), reading, been trying to pick up knitting again, pacing in my room wallowing in my own self pity

movies and tv shows: thelma and louise, alien, the cat returns, monster high, goncharov, star wars (only the movies), my little pony, other things i forgot

i love pigeons rats and cats

DNI

i don't really feel like making one but dni if you're a racist, queerphobe, fatphobe, ableist, zionist or a general bigot (you know who you are), a pedophile and stay away from this blog if you don't like its content i'm not trying to get banned for what's going on inside my head

But please come over if you're cool

i'd like to meet people over here even if i'm paralyzed at the thought of interacting with anyone

i kinda want to connect with people who understand all of this instead of jut being concerned or digusted if they ever found out

i'm a sucker for attention so reblogs and comments are always appreciated

[hellallamerican]

too many people treat nonbinary identity as a phase that you eventually grow out of. including other trans people.

[iwishiwereapigeon]

the heat is getting so bad that everyone wished they were dead. stealing my thing smh

[iwishiwereapigeon]

idk how you are supposed to tell someone you dont want them in your space without hurting them. oh well

[iwishiwereapigeon]

fucking lost my password again but i'm back i guess. hi!

[iwishiwereapigeon]

i know she hid my blades. she found them and she fucking took them away. and now she won't tell me because of "whatever horrible idea i might get if i get them back" like it's not the whole fucking reason i bought them in the first place.

[iwishiwereapigeon]

i think realising that "nobody will miss me when i'm gone" is just fundamentally untrue hurts more. sometimes i think about how i can't just disappear because of the repercussion it would have on other people.

making friends with people who truly care make me realise that i'm not just an individual living in a bubble. i feel like i can't take action against my own fucking life because then people. people i love will miss me. maybe. idk it might just be me having a problem with feeling like i have no agency but this is having repercussions on my psyche i didn't even think were possible.

[iwishiwereapigeon]

it's not their fault i'm a wretched human being incapable of acting like a normal person

[iwishiwereapigeon]

always so fucking rude when people think they can openly gawk at your scars just because they're partially visible like idk get a life???

[infectedbugz]

JIRAIBLR. LISTEN UP.

(tw for eating disorders and self harm mentions)

I AM SAD WHEN I SEE ALL THE POSTS OF PEOPLE NOT FEELING JIRAI ENOUGH. SO LISTEN UP GUYS

SELF HARM IS SELF HARM. DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT IS. IF IT ISN'T CUTTING OR BURNING, DOESN'T MATTER, IT'S STILL SELF HARM. Triggering yourself with videos you don't want to watch? Self harm. Starving yourself not because of an eating disorder, just because you want to punish yourself? Still self harm. Forcing yourself to sleep in uncomfortable places because you don't think you deserve a bed? Self harm. Bruising instead of cutting? IT'S ALL SELF HARM.

Your eating disorder is valid. Whether it's anorexia, ARFID, OSFED, bulimia, binge eating, PICA, or any other eating disorder. It doesn't matter if you forget to starve yourself most days. It doesn't matter if you're not underweight or overweight. An eating disorder is something that negatively impacts your mind and body and no one is allowed to say you're invalid because they AREN'T you.

You DO NOT have to have a personality disorder. If you're just autistic or have ADHD? That's okay, you're still a jirai. You've only been diagnosed with depression or anxiety? Still jirai. It's not the freaking jirai olympics. And if you have an unusual personality disorder, like AVPD, or HPD, you're still very much a jirai. Being jirai is not about what diagnoses you have.

It's okay to not like anime, games, or any media that's popular in jiraiblr. If you hate Needy Streamer Overload, that's okay! If you love Needy Streamer Overload, that's also okay! Enjoy whatever the heck you like.

if your blog is themed all cute, that doesn't make you a fake jirai. If your blog is plain and not "jirai-like" at all, it doesn't make you fake either. Your blog is not a measurement of how jirai you are.

And of course, self diagnosis, though I don't encourage it, is okay. No one should come after you with pitchforks for it. It's up to you whether or not you want to seek a professional diagnosis, and I know many people can't in their situations. If self diagnosing feels like it'll help you support yourself and explain your symptoms, that is completely fine by me and it's all up to you.

It's okay to have a good relationship with your family and love them. It doesn't take away your right to be a jirai or have mental illness. If you have a parent or parents you love and care about, that is amazing and I'm very happy for you. You don't have to wish your trauma was worse and that your parents abused you because big and little trauma is kind of a lie. What's important is that the trauma affected you in a negative way, and that makes it trauma.

finally,

POC jirais, jirai danshis, nonbinary and alterhuman jirais, disabled or chronically ill jirais, adult jirais, I love you all.

[zemi-noelle-art]

took apart an old keyboard and made the keys into a jewelry accessory line ⌨ 🌐🖱

[sp01l3dxsw33tn3ss-deactivated20]

i like hello kitty both in the cutesy way and the "hello kitty by jazmin bean" way

[jirai-dirt-2009-deactivated2025]

This jirai wants to blow their fucking brains out (but in a cute way)

[iwishiwereapigeon]

anger issue? NO I FUCKING DON'T DICKBAG!!!

ok maybe i do and maybe it's poisoning every relationship i've ever had. i hate myself more than i hate others but it's fine as long as i keep it in.

[iwishiwereapigeon]

i hate not having a choice. i hate that i'm seen as weak and useless and i hate the sentiment that i cannot possibly know what's good for me. i hate that i have to keep up appearances and follow my duties but when i do crack under the pressure it's a sign that i should be babied. why can't i know what's good for myself? why do others have that right and not me?

[16tinyfrogs]

on watching a parent age

i saw somebody say “what if you’re gone and i haven’t become anything yet” and basically that broke me on a random thursday evening

[iwishiwereapigeon]

guy sexually harassing me sent me into a meltdown but it's fine i guess. i'm "beautiful woman bearing the mark of the angel" or something

i want to tear my face out but i guess i'll have to settle for a few cuts, at least my body will be repulsive to these men

kill me already