Thoughts @iwritewhatifeelwhenifeel - Tumblr Blog

I see you posting.

I see you trying to pull me in, to get me to surrender. But I'll try my best not to give in this time. Too many times, you've disappointed me and I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt. This time I'm just too disappointed with your actions. The one time I needed you, the one single time I told you that it was important to me. You couldn't even show up. It wasn't a last minute thing, I've told you for months. I did every single thing to calm you before we met, and somehow it still got messed up. It hurt me so much that I felt it cut deep inside. Now I see where I stand, at the very last place. I will never be your priority eventhough you've always been mine. It sucks because I thought that maybe just maybe I was important to you. But I guess I'm just not. Always being forgotten. Always looked over.

It's been awhile, last time I wrote on here, my family was perfect and complete. Now it isn't anymore. It's broken and incomplete. Lost the beating heart that made us who we are. Lost half of my soul that I don't think I'll ever get back for the time being. Yet I am still trying to get through each day without you. Before I thought, losing a partner was pain but now i know it isn't. Haven't felt pain like this before, it resides but it comes back in waves, some harder than others. How do you even get over someone who was there from the very start? How?

#pain #Lose of a love one #heartbreak

It doesn't matter how good I take care of you or how much I sacrifice to get you what you want.

You don't see my efforts.

You will never pick me.

Guess I'll just have to deal with that.

Just me. All over again.

#heart #sayings of the heart

Other people be doing the bare fucking minimum to stay in a relationship. While I go out of my way to give you the best and everything that you deserve but in the end you don't even see it.

So why do I keep on doing this?

It's unfair how when you have a problem, I go out of my way to fix it.

I'm the life saver.

I know that's all I'll ever be.

It sucks, but I put myself in that position.

Can't say I didn't warn myself, because I did.

No one else to blame but me.

I keep giving you everything that you deserve yet you won't look past the person who keeps on hurting you.

I've been there and done that.

Now I'm back at square one and doing it all over again.

Just can't seem to break this cycle.

Maybe I'm just destined to be the life saver and guardian to other people's soulmate.

Some days you act like you don't give a fuck then some other days you act like you care. Pick how you want to treat me so I fucking know how to treat you

I would sacrifice all that I have and all that I am for you

It didn't matter how much I love you.

You don't even notice me.

I don't know how I fit in your life.

I don't know how much I matter to you.

When you call, I come. Doesn't matter if it's the middle of night. I would find a way to get to you.

I don't know if you'll ever notice if I slipped away.

I don't know if you'll even care if I do.

But I know I tried my best with you.

And for that I have no regrets.

You lost the person who would do anything for you.

lmm-43

I broke my own heart waiting for you to love me the way I needed to be loved.

Getting over someone you truly loved

I've always thought that I couldn't get over you. How could I? I have loved you for almost a decade. Thinking of scenarios that could've happened if you gave me the chance. There were so many times that I wanted to up and leave because of the way you treated me. Looking back at it I was a fool that believed the words that you said to me were true but your actions said otherwise. I would come up with excuses for the way you treated me when my best friend brought up issues and saw how toxic is was for me but I was blinded at the time and probably didn't know or care that what you gave back to me was the bare minimum compared to what I gave you. Looking back at it, I feel so stupid that I let you treat me the way you did. But I guess, the good thing that I've learnt is that now I know my self worth. I don't beg to be in someone's life anymore. I didn't lose you, you lost someone who would've given you the world. That's alright tho, now someone that truly deserves the absolute best in the world has me and that person has the very best version of me.

Weak spot

You have a special hold on my heart.

I don't know how or why you do.

You just do.

It's scary that you do, because the last time someone had a special hold it didn't turn out very well.

I got my heart crushed and it was just an unexplainable type of pain. Loving someone wholeheartedly for a decade and for them to just up and leave without a second thought. That just makes you question your worth. Did I not mean anything? Was I just a place for you to feel special when you felt alone? Am I just unworthy of love? Or am I just not deserving of a love that is unconditional and true?

That experience just made me put my walls back up and I stayed in my box, picking up the pieces of my shattered heart piece by piece. As time passed, most of the people that came into my life just stopped by and watch me pick up the pieces on my own.

Then I met you. The first person who unknowingly made picking up the pieces and putting them back easier. I didn't know why but you have always made me feel at ease. Having you in my life didn't require any unimaginable amount of effort.

It flowed so easily that I started to doubt myself whether it was just too good to be real or I was just extremely lucky to have found an angel in disguise. You came into my life just at the right time, when I'm healing and being a better version of myself. It's safe to say at this moment, you have the very best of me.

I cannot put into words of how much you mean to me but what I can say is that as long as there is breath in my lungs and blood in my veins, I will do everything that I can to protect, care and love you as you are.

It may be cliché, but you are imperfectly perfect in my eyes and I'm glad that after all of the heartbreak that I have been through, I get to have someone in my life that appreciates me as much as I do. It made all the heartbreaks I went through worth it. I hope that I will always have you in my life and I would always be in yours as well.

Expectations

I didn't expect you,

I didn't expect to find you,

I didn't expect for us to be friends,

I didn't expect to be so fond of you,

I didn't expect to be so protective of you,

I didn't expect to be this close to you,

I didn't expect to have this kind of love again,

I didn't expect to care as much as I do,

I didnt expect to love you as much as I do.

To be honest, my expectations grew higher after my last relationship and longest situationship. I lost my honest smile and only had a mask on to the world to show everyone that I was fine. Even though I was broken into a million pieces inside.

Unexpectedly, you came into my life and unknowingly helped pick up the pieces. Slowly but surely I started fixing back the pieces inside of me. You are the strongest, most brilliant person that I have ever met. You honestly suprise me everyday since the day we first started talking. There was no expectations for us.

You made me realize that I was deserving of a love that is reciprocated as much as I gave. That I was never asking for too much but actually just the bare minimum before. You help bring back the smile that I lost. Just having you in my life brings a smile to my face every single day without fail.

You deserve absolutely the best that life has to offer. You deserve the world and I will try my best to give it to you. I don't need labels, I just need you in my life.

I don't think that you'll ever read this but I just need an outlet to show my appreciation to have found you and keeping you in my life. I hope that you'll always be in mine, no matter what happens I'll always have your back. This I promise you.

It's one of those night where I feel like reminiscing us. Rereading old messages and reliving back what we once had but I guess I can't do that anymore. The chats got deleted and I can't relive them again. The only thing I can do now is just reliving them in my head. I really did try with you, but I know I am not the best for you. Thank you tho for giving me hope. We had to happen for us to be where we're supposed to be. I will always cherish you. You have a piece of me that will always be yours. But I guess that's life. People move on and people forget.

It's been a while since I thought about you. It's 2am right now. I don't know why you popped up in my head. It's usually because I was worried about you. But now I don't really know why because we don't talk anymore. So, I reread the very last conversation we had. The explanation you gave before cutting me off. I understand completely but at the same time I'm sad that it had to turn out this way. I kept my promise to wanting you to be happy even if I'm not a part of it. I hope only the very best for you. I hope you're chasing your dreams like how you always planned to. I hope you're living your life to the fullest. Most importantly, I hope you're happy. That's all I want.

If you wanted me in your life, you would've made more of an effort to keep me in your life. But you didn't. You forgot the promises you made. You left when you said you wouldn't. You pushed me aside because I never really meant anything to you. You threw me away like I meant nothing to you. Why did I expect so much? You did it before, but I wanted to believe in you. I wanted to believe that you made a mistake. Believe that you could keep the promises you made to me. The promises you made when we were physically far away. You never wanted to lose me and I wouldn't lose you no matter what happened. But now you're married, with a baby on the way and I am no longer the person you need. You just wanted the attention and affection that I gave you. You liked being in the center of all the attention and affection that I gave. While you say just enough of the right things for me to stay. The 'I love yous' and 'I miss yous' had no real emotion behind it. That's why it's so easy for you to say them and I was so naive to believe that they were true. So naive to believe that someone actually loved and missed me.

Because of you, I am more cautious of my heart. Because of you, I am now scared of giving my all. Because of you, I am now holding myself back. Because of you, the next person has to wait for me to fix and find myself so that I'll be the best for them. Because of you, I no longer look at world the same way as I did before. Because of you, I am now broken and will never be the same.

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