Peire Cardin Black cat

she/her 20 love is a religion and it demands incessant sacrifices

[j0naki]

//I can scream i can howl i can claw but i can never go back/I've blood underneath my nails and my smile will always be crooked/ there is no yesterday only deception and tomorrow is yet another promise broken/ ive residual disappointment stuck Between my teeth from the time my mother failed as a daughter (her mother was a monster, she tries to be gentle with her bites)/ there is a certain weight in loneliness and longing, a certain weight which pulverizes my collar bones/ im nothing but gunpowder and moondust waiting ignition, spontaneous combustion/ im a hoarder, piles in my living room of hopeless pathetic promises you made/ garbage rot and decay i need to be a flower mother/ velocity, viscosity and vanity a lover's triad my final poem engraved on my spine in a language invisible to all but you god i hope you read/ i can scream i can howl but i can never go back and propell into the absurd, hope was a fugitive and my constitution never holds/ there is a god behind all this, a god who abandon, he's a jester and im his best act/ laugh, you're meant to darling, this is hilarious, my guts spilled and teeth plucked, gummy smile i love you, this is your curse your punishment/ misery malady what is it to you but poetic something elusive something to witness a play an act/ mother ill gift you solitude father ill gift you mother's grief/ lover i gift you freedom and guilt (you never wanted love only the guilt of a mutilated heart)//

[statements from the court of the mislead and the unfortunate]

[j0naki]

BRIEF REPORT OF AUTHOR'S AUTOPSY AND INVITATION TO MURDER THE MANGELED BODY FOR THE 4TH TIME

(dont worry it would still call your name lovingly, it knows no better)

I

You destroy me for a third time and i let you, gleeful welcoming even, you pick me apart bone by bone and stand tall on my lovelorn carcass and announce behind the veil of your convoluted smoke that it hasn't festered yet, the rot you left in me is yet to melt my bones into something you could love, so i dutifully put my ribs back together and let that rotten putrid thing that turn my blood into tar rest inside, thump thump thump, look it calls to you again ( some nights i wake up with an almost irresistible need to claw it out and eat it raw, teeth sunk into the soft pulp, make a mess, tar down my elbows)

II

You don't allow me anger, you say it makes the flesh bitter, you don't allow me resentment, you say it corrodes my bone (and no one but you are allowed my annihilation) you only allow me grief, copious amounts of it, you say you like the subtle salt in my eyes. You occasionally allow me love but only when it burns a hole throw my stomach only when it runs vermillion down my hands, only when its conveniently violent. Love demands to paid in full and in advance, so i pay my share like a dog with a dead bird at your door, unwanted , clawing till it bleeds.

( i make a religion out of love and religions tend to end in violence and absent gods)

[j0naki]

[j0naki]

My dashboards filled with yellow receipts of unpaid fines but if you're standing at the other end i'd run a thousand red lights more

[j0naki]

[j0naki]

You're gone for years now but how do i break the promises you made

I am breaking threats you made on my behalf, you asked me to cut you off completely and it would maim you too, but why do i feel i would be the one with a limp for the years to come.

i am telling my self to sleep but something inside me goes back to the 3rd on July waiting for you to call, and i tell my friends that im over it, that you were nothing but a dream i had a couple of years and and ive been living in its daze since, You are barely ther, just a foot inside the door, and i wash it clean and dry it off with care. I sit by the door for you to make up your mind, so i could shut the door behind you, or after you, you cant seem to choose one, but love its getting cold and i am getting weary of not having you whole, so please be kinder and leave, take your things with you this time, the shirt by the bed and your coffee mug, take it all, dont leave excuses around clean up your mess because i know id it come to me id keep something of yours again, something small enough so you won't be pained by its absence but just something small enough that you could miss, something to return for.

[ive kept my side after all these years and somehow ive even kept yours, it weighs heavy on me, does the absence pulls you too?]

[j0naki]

Guilty confessions of a paranormal lover

I avoid mirrors, i quickly walk past stores with shiny window pannels and i look away in sudden camera flashes.

I am barely a ghost, a lingering memory of a day I can't bring back and spend the rest of my life chasing, im the tears that trace my skin everytime i see my parents getting smaller at the train station, im the tug of the hair that one friend of mine with a unsualy kind smile does to tell me how much she loves me, im a ghost and i haunt my own dreams

im a vampire, tar blood always dripping, always pale, always cold. The sun burns my eyes and a girl said it looked like embers in the right light, she loved me alrigth but she sat too close and her warmth thawed me out so i sucked her dry, im a guilty vampaire with fresh blood stains on my sundress.

In a certain light im almost a monster, with skin of innocent lovers under my talons, with the murder of my mother's dream still heavy on lashline, the grave of my fathers expection on my throat makes it itch and it never really goes away. Im a monster and i gnawed out my insides around 1 each night.

I'm unholy and unforgivable but at your doorstep im nothing but a bird with a wounded wing hoping for a sanctuary for the rain is too strong and my wings too tired.

[j0naki]

Dad used to make me little paper cranes when I was young. I took them out for a shower with me in the rain and it broke, I came crying to you because that's what I always did, I came crying to you and you make it all go away.

You said I should take it dad "the one who makes is also the one who fixes it once it breaks" and with the you kisses my tears away

So now I'm 19 and I came crying in you lap and sat there for a while, looking with the same eyes as 5 year old me with broken things to fix, only this time my hands were empty.

[j0naki]

"What if you are a dying universe and im a star waiting for my turn you burn with you, patiently with love"

-jonaki

[j0naki]

Thank you @another-bookwyrm and everyone who got me to 5 reblogs!

[j0naki]

Even at my best, I was the barely half of you

I spent my entire life trying to out run your shadow, but when I ran towards the light it just turned out to be the twinkle of a star(of your subtle kindness, amidst the violent nebula of the world that came after me) for you were an endless night and I a mere stargazer.

Jonaki

[j0naki]

I want to be so bitter sometimes but I have seen what it did to my mother.

(I inherited the way you hair sways and the way your eyes stray, I don't want to inherit your hate)

Jonaki

[j0naki]

Conversations between me and a concerned friend

" you're grotesque and the stench of your blood, which never seems to leave you alone, like your 'misfortune', makes me sick to my stomach, I bear you for you I pity you. Oh, how I pity you, poor dying helpless thing, always a victim never the perpetrator. Such an easy narrative no? That thing was done to you and you just sat there and took it all? Maybe there was a reason this universe made you suffer, maybe the wounds on your corporeal form were deserved. You are a monster because your carved your insides with these abhorring things and oh how damn well you deserve it. You're such a coward, meek creature barely human why don't you just do it? Would be a favor to the world"

(she bore a violence in me i never knew i was capable of and now i sit with me as i slowly gnaws at my heart)

Jonaki

[j0naki]

This city won't let me bleed in peace

[j0naki]

I made this a couple of nights ago and I don't know what this is but I really loved it

[j0naki]

I am in love with you <3

And I with you<33

[j0naki]

In these short 19 years of my life I haven't felt love like they talk in the movies or the one these poets write about. I have never been suffocated, choked with it, it has never charred or ever bruised my bones.

I sit here unharmed, unnamed whole and complete just so someone could come and erode away my sharp edges.

Jonaki

[j0naki]

This is such a big big city maa and im just so small, who do i cling to mother, the end of your chunni lies in another state.

Jonaki