jackalteeths

Heart removed neatly with a bowie knife. >(side blog) NPD/Cluster B text posts - some personal stuff - everything is rebloggable, but I can't promise I'll be nice in response to ignorant people

[jackalteeths]

The idea that it’s easy to recognize people with personality disorders by their demeanor is a myth. At my job, I always have a huge smile on my face. I wave to and greet everyone I see, I’m always ten minutes early. I never have an unkind word or even a look for even the most intolerable customer, and I get frequent vouchers and awards for my exemplary customer service. My highest ratings during evaluation periods are always regarding how personable and friendly I am, how I have a great attitude, how I’m patient with customers and helpful to associates. I’m even photographed and sent out on company emails as an example of going the extra mile as an associate for various tasks I do.

And yet, I fucking LOATHE every single person who enters that building. Not a day goes by where I don’t visualize the murder and torture of just about every customer I walk past. Every “that’s no problem at all ma’am!” Is followed up in my head with a “you stupid worthless cunt.” I steal, I lie, I make up entire fake stories about my family and friends just to seem more normal to my fellow associates. The weirdest thing? Not a single one of them has any idea. None of them know I steal the knives from the washroom and dig into my skin when they piss me off. None of them have a single clue of the vile things I think about them, that I scream in rage once the cooler door shuts. I’m constantly thanked for my “great attitude” and told how much I’m appreciated. I just keep on smiling, and they keep on believing I’m not dripping in vitriol.

It’s bullshit that people can “pick up” on personality disorders just by looking at someone. I’m living proof.

[jackalteeths]

There’s nothing more infuriating than an inferior narcissist.

[larpsandtherealgirl]

People keep asking you if [cluster b] can recover/change. The real question is: if they could, would they even want to? A dx (even a bullshit one) is treated like an all-access pass to power & abusing. They wouldn't give that up.

That’s the thing, a genuine narc isn’t ever going to magically stop enjoying the perks of a grandiose/entitled attitude, he’s just going to keep cycling through naive enablers til he dies. It’s the unwise hope of the (at times intentionally) naive enabler - that the narc might change if the flying monkey is special enough - that keeps this myth of the “changeable narc” alive. The narc knows this, and feeds that hope as a means of baiting the enabler into staying longer.

It’s actually really healthy in this context to acknowledge that you’re not that special and to move on. Nothing you can do will make this person change because ultimately they don’t want to.

The same is true of genuine borderlines and genuine anti-socials. If you know that throwing you a fit will get you sympathy that then allows you to guilt your partner into staying with you even though you’re an emotional wreck who never takes responsibility for their actions, you’re going to keep doing it. If you know that feeding someone vulnerable a bit of false praise at the beginning of a relationship is enough to keep them under your control for a few years, and that whittling down their self-esteem might buy you a few more years with them, you’re going to keep doing it. 

It blows my mind that people who don’t have these thought processes have chosen to make cluster B disorders a part of their identity. The self-diagnosis trend has romanticized these disorders to the point where you actually see people who want to be viewed as a trainwreck girlfriend or a predatory boyfriend. (Aside: look at the reception of movies like Requiem for a Dream. Dysfunction is very chic). 

Since this phenomenon doesn’t exist in a vacuum (and these roles are coded with gender expectations) you often see trans people LARPing these roles. Fujoshis want to be the sadist psychopath, and trancels want to be the helpless yandere. 

The worst thing you can do with a true cluster B personality is ignore the fact that they gain something from their behaviour.

[adrianna-rcissist]

tag yourself im the flying monkey and the male centric language

[jackalteeths]

Oh wow, where to begin.  Sorry to unload on an anon post that probably won’t get read by the OP, but I’ve seen this thought process expressed multiple times and it’s really just starting to get to me.

If people with personality disorders truly “gained something” from their behavior, everyone would behave in the manner of those with personality disorders.  As unpleasant as it can be to have someone in your life with a personality disorder, it is infinitely more unpleasant for those diagnosed.  If not at first, then certainly as their life progresses.  | It is true that people with personality disorders have gained certain life skills that can be beneficial to them in the most crude sense.  However, one could compare these behaviors to running one’s car with a fuel test that’s lower than required for their model: in the short term the car will indeed drive, but it won’t be long before it starts breaking down. No one with Borderline Personality Disorder thinks there’s absolutely nothing wrong with or abnormal about their dramatic attention seeking antics or their complete implosion when faced with the possibility of abandonment.  They hurt deeply, and they are desperate not to feel the way they do.  That’s why they act out in the first place.  The problem is that they don’t know any other way.  They’ve been taught that the only way anyone will ever listen to them is if they’re screaming at the top of their lungs and pulling every possible stop to make their point heard.   No one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder doesn’t feel the crushing weight of emptiness inside them, no matter how well they hide it.  Their unhappiness with themselves bleeds into their view of their entire world and turns it all to shit.  Nothing and no one is ever enough to distract them from that emptiness.  No amount of praise and admiration can cure the deeply rooted fear inside them that they are worthless and unlovable.  They keep trying on different masks, different pursuits, different partners, and all of it turns to dust in their mouth because their true problem lies in the belief that their worth lies in what they do and what they have instead of who they are.  

Neither of these things are fun or rewarding for the diagnosed in any way.  Having a personality disorder is completely miserable.  The problem isn’t that we don’t want to get better, it’s that treatment programs designed to actually help us instead of hide us away in cells somewhere are only just starting to become widely practiced.  DBT programs designed to treat Borderline have been largely successful, and as more people start viewing those diagnosed with personality disorders as something other than uncurable, inhuman monsters, more resources are becoming available to those who are suffering.  

Finally, the last thing people suffering with a personality disorder need is people telling them they’ll never get better.  Many of us have had lives full of trauma and abuse.  Our view of ourselves is terrible already and outside influences telling us we’re monsters certainly doesn’t help us on our journey of learning how to navigate life more effectively.  Possibly you could spend less time shitting on people with personality disorders and devote your energy to something beneficial, like researching innovational treatment programs? Thanks for reading and have a great day.  

[jackalteeths]

I’m cyoot

[jackalteeths]

I’ve had serious invasive thoughts on and off for the past few years. Unfortunately I can’t relate to most with the same issue because mine don’t take the form of “you’re worthless and everyone hates you” or anything similar. Usually I’m very accepting, open minded, artistic, etc. these thoughts are making it so that I can’t even enjoy Disney movies because Disney movies have magic in them and my thoughts keep saying magic is evil/sinful/bad/whatever. When I’m in my right mind, I practice magick. I flinch at curse words because they’re “bad,” I historically curse like a sailor. Anything that’s not the most conservative, traditional, Christian garbage gives me anxiety. These thoughts are so pervasive and overwhelming that they quickly turn into suicidal ideation. It got so bad a week ago that my psychiatrist baker acted me. The hospital didn’t help. No one can relate with what I’m going through and I feel afraid that I’m never going to get better. My therapist recently said she thinks I might have OCD which I guess makes sense but adding another diagnosis to my long list, again, doesn’t really help me. I wish someone else could understand what I was going through. When my friends try to help me my thoughts go off on a list of why they’re all “bad.” The antipsychotics I’ve been given are just making me tired and obsessive as opposed to just obsessive.

[jackalteeths]

Oh also like your child shouldn't be your soulmate and if you think god put your adopted child into their birth mother's belly as a gift to you, that's fucked

[jackalteeths]

So your adopted mom not giving the gifts and letters your birth mom sends you is terrible

[jackalteeths]

Honestly it’s so annoying sometimes as a conventionally attractive cis woman, I can demonstrate any litany of symptomatic, violent, antisocial behaviors and people seem to completely dismiss it. Like the guy who got in my personal space, I crushed his windpipe with my nails. He choked and gagged and I laughed at him. After that, he followed me around campus for years because he “digs psycho chicks.” Everyone always wants to tell me how I’m a beautiful warrior and my self harm scars are battle wounds or whatever. It’s like…. nah I totally see the way you treat people you don’t wanna fuck who show symptoms and I’m gonna say you’re full of shit. Obviously I don’t want people to discriminate negatively against me because I’m mentally ill either, but offering support on the premise that I have nice tits is so invalidating. Like thanks for the positive words and all, except they don’t mean shit when all I gotta do is put on 40 pounds or grow some wrinkles for you to consider me not worth the effort.

[junko]

BITCH WHAT

[jackalteeths]

Valid counterpoint, I'll have to sit back and consider it for a moment

[jackalteeths]

handy little illustrative guide for people who hear “NPD” and only think of the word bubble and not the subtext

[bloodqueenmsk-deactivated201710]

okay but the bottom quote is literally prison material

[jackalteeths]

Thinking about death and murder isn't illegal actually

[jackalteeths]

handy little illustrative guide for people who hear “NPD” and only think of the word bubble and not the subtext

[missatheist32blog]

Do waitresses even do that in the US? lol They could be fired for it here. How rude. Now seriously. If it was for me, I wouldn’t care for the joke, but it’s just not their place. 

[rhdah]

I never saw/had it happen while I still lived in the US, but you’ll definitely get fired if you do crap like that here in Hungary.

[jackalteeths]

I wasn’t implying a waitress would have said something like “ew your shoes are so gross” but more like something they thought would be funny and harmless “having an artsy day are we?” That resulted in being upsetting (my mom always uses “artsy” in a dismissive way because “artist” sounds like an actual serious career and not a silly phase)

[rhdah]

Regardless, waitstaff here can be fired for making comments that people take as offensive.

[jackalteeths]

I couldn’t expect a waitress to know my personal trauma related triggers, so while it causes me upset, I don’t take it personally. Of course you’re obliged to do as you wish, but for me, I wouldn’t try to mess with anyone’s employment unless they purposefully were trying to make me upset or said something racist/homophobic/ableist/etc.

[rhdah]

In addition, those statements that you perceive as racist/whatever wouldn’t get someone fired here. I live in Hungary for a reason.

[jackalteeths]

Would or wouldn't?

I don't know much about Hungary. I'm currently working on becoming financially independent in the most basic of ways though, so moving out of the country doesn't currently seem like an option although I'm not a huge fan of the USA

[jackalteeths]

handy little illustrative guide for people who hear “NPD” and only think of the word bubble and not the subtext

[missatheist32blog]

Do waitresses even do that in the US? lol They could be fired for it here. How rude. Now seriously. If it was for me, I wouldn’t care for the joke, but it’s just not their place. 

[rhdah]

I never saw/had it happen while I still lived in the US, but you’ll definitely get fired if you do crap like that here in Hungary.

[jackalteeths]

I wasn’t implying a waitress would have said something like “ew your shoes are so gross” but more like something they thought would be funny and harmless “having an artsy day are we?” That resulted in being upsetting (my mom always uses “artsy” in a dismissive way because “artist” sounds like an actual serious career and not a silly phase)

[rhdah]

Regardless, waitstaff here can be fired for making comments that people take as offensive.

[jackalteeths]

I couldn't expect a waitress to know my personal trauma related triggers, so while it causes me upset, I don't take it personally. Of course you're obliged to do as you wish, but for me, I wouldn't try to mess with anyone's employment unless they purposefully were trying to make me upset or said something racist/homophobic/ableist/etc.

[jackalteeths]

handy little illustrative guide for people who hear “NPD” and only think of the word bubble and not the subtext

[missatheist32blog]

Do waitresses even do that in the US? lol They could be fired for it here. How rude. Now seriously. If it was for me, I wouldn’t care for the joke, but it’s just not their place. 

[rhdah]

I never saw/had it happen while I still lived in the US, but you’ll definitely get fired if you do crap like that here in Hungary.

[jackalteeths]

I wasn't implying a waitress would have said something like "ew your shoes are so gross" but more like something they thought would be funny and harmless "having an artsy day are we?" That resulted in being upsetting (my mom always uses "artsy" in a dismissive way because "artist" sounds like an actual serious career and not a silly phase)

[jackalteeths]

I think a lot of times I ruminate over aspects of my identity because long term social isolation has caused it to become distilled and simplified by the internet.  For a while I wondered why during times of stress, I feel straight up revulsion and fear towards traits I typically love and define myself by.  Because I don't have a solid sense of internal identity to begin with, I cling even more to these external methods of expression when they disconcert me, because I feel they're what's expected of me- when people think of me, they think of cutesy goth clothes, alternative sexuality, internet addiction, dark sense of humor.....But like, I can't keep playing the same song over and over again in my head and not expect to get tired of it.  Forcing myself to listen to the same damn song when I already feel sick of it isn't going to make me like the song again.  So I go into these self hating spirals, because I don't understand why I can't just be like everyone else and not feel shame or distress over things I enjoy, or over changing what I enjoy. 

 Just because I wear a floral sundress and sandals one day doesn't mean I have to burn my entire clothing collection, but somehow it feels that way.    This fear leads to my subconscious shouting at me to perform more and more severe changes to myself as I further solidify false expressions of my identity.  I'm not truly a "goth," I'm not an "artist," I'm not a "kinkster," these are all just things I've enjoyed.  I can like many other things as well without betraying these previous interests.  I can return to these interests at any time.  These words are convenient descriptors to put on an online profile, but I am much more complex than what I wear and how I like to have sex.  I'm not betraying myself or anyone else if I were to up and get an accounting job at a corporate office tomorrow, and anyone who didn't like me anymore because I was feeling pantsuits for that month wasn't actually my friend to begin with.  

[jackalteeths]

Does anyone else find themselves obsessed with cleansing and purity in times of stress?  Like, when I get really stressed out, I start feeling fear and anxiety around anything that isn’t extremely structured and safe?  I’ll dwell on silly things like how my friend is a bad influence on me because he smokes pot (I smoke pot???) or how my slightly alternative clothing is “bad” and I should go shopping for pencil skirts and suit jackets?  Or how my creative job isn’t good anymore and I should be in a highly corporate office as an accountant or something?  Or like convert to orthodox Christianity?    All of this stuff doesn’t sound like me at all, but in times like this, I hear my subconscious telling me “this is who you’ve been all along, you’ve just been lying to yourself.”  Before I experienced a lot of trauma and onset of illness, I’ve always been creative and free spirited?  This shit is really weird and I was wondering if anyone else experiences this

[pdmori]

[jackalteeths]

Honestly it's so annoying sometimes as a conventionally attractive cis woman, I can demonstrate any litany of symptomatic, violent, antisocial behaviors and people seem to completely dismiss it. Like the guy who got in my personal space, I crushed his windpipe with my nails. He choked and gagged and I laughed at him. After that, he followed me around campus for years because he "digs psycho chicks." Everyone always wants to tell me how I'm a beautiful warrior and my self harm scars are battle wounds or whatever. It's like.... nah I totally see the way you treat people you don't wanna fuck who show symptoms and I'm gonna say you're full of shit. Obviously I don't want people to discriminate negatively against me because I'm mentally ill either, but offering support on the premise that I have nice tits is so invalidating. Like thanks for the positive words and all, except they don't mean shit when all I gotta do is put on 40 pounds or grow some wrinkles for you to consider me not worth the effort.

[jackalteeths]

My absolute 100% least favorite thing about having BPD is that there is not a single goddamn constant in my life I can rely upon. Anyone who I feel I love, I hate the next week. Any plan for recovery that seems like a good idea, a month into it I decide it's all fucked and give up. Any major I choose, job I interview for, color I dye my hair, dress I buy.... it's all just a matter of time until I wake up one morning and it's all awful. Fuck splitting. Fuck splitting with a chainsaw.