queef queen ♕

JACKIE. XXIII. TAURUS. GRYFFINDOR. ESFP What's up, internet? My name is Jackie and you can call me Jackie and if there's a party happening. I'm going to be a dog doctor someday when I'm a real adult. Until then, I'm going to live on coffee and ice cream so feel free to buy either or both for me. Time is luck. So don't waste it living someone else's life. Fight for what matters to you no matter what. Because even if we fall short, what better way is there to live? — Gwen Stacy

[jackie-wilde-blog]

lexusjones replied to your post:What's a queef?

So you’re…the queen of that?

In theory, yes. In practice, it’s never happened to me. Well, not that I remember, at least. I just think the phrase is funny.

[arabellaramon-blog]

Because I used to be a part of the music industry, so I had to stay trim. Now I can do whatever I want, I guess. You could probably order the sriracha sauce and dip your fries in them. I don’t know how good it would be, but it’s an option.

Well, my suggestion is that you get some fries. Then you won’t be doing nothing, at least for a few minutes.

[jackie-wilde-blog]

That’s really stupid. The way you look has nothing to do with the talent you may or may not have. That’s a good idea, though. I’m going bring a little tupperware container to hand to them when they say they have nothing to put it in and hope their reaction is worth it.

[fizzjrose-blog]

You know what makes me sad? When amazing people won’t tell me a joke. Jokes are harmless. I’ll even settle for Isabelle Necessary on a bike! You see, the problem with an alarm is that I’ll forget what the alarm is for. I’m also not reliable enough to always have my phone near me/know where it is.

[jackie-wilde-blog]

I am amazing, but that doesn’t mean I can think of any jokes worth telling. If I stumble upon one, I’ll let you know. Can’t you label the alarm? Or you could put Post-it notes all around. Actually, maybe not. You might over feed him if you’re that forgetful. Maybe you could put a huge chart up near his bowl so you can’t miss it and can feed him properly.

[trentevans-blog1]

It wasn’t terrifying, just interesting. I’d have preferred a date with Spider-Man or Thor, but the drug gods had other plans for me. You mean Finn? I don’t have a stuffed toy of him on my bed, otherwise it coulda been possible, I guess. 

[jackie-wilde-blog]

Whatever you say. I would be scared of my stuffed animals if that happened to me. I would always prefer a date with Spider-Man, but I’d pick Steve over Thor any day of the week. Maybe next time the gods will throw you a bone and you’ll get one of them. I don’t know. I’ve only seen it once and I was sort of paying attention, but Finn sounds right. I think you should get an action figure of him and test it out. I’m sure they probably have one of him by now, right?

[jackie-wilde-blog]

What's a queef?

A vagina fart. There’s a more in-depth definition here and if you need it, there’s a how-to video on YouTube.

[fizzjrose-blog]

There’s nothing wrong with having a different sense of humour. If we all liked the same things and found the same things funny, the would be very boring. But, please! Tell me one you think I’d enjoy. Maybe that’ll become my new favourite ice breaking joke. It wasn’t intentional! Galileo is my child. And between you and me? He probably didn’t suffer too terribly. He’s kind of chubby. In an adorable chubby fish way.

[jackie-wilde-blog]

Then I’ll just pretend I’m lucky for not finding humor in poop jokes, I guess. No, I’m good. Besides, the one you have seems to be working just fine either way. That’s nice to hear, but I stand by the alarm thing. Just to be on the safe side. 

[emmettberry-blog]

I could ask you the same thing, Blondie.

[jackie-wilde-blog]

Surprisingly, that’s not my name. Plus, I’m not the one spending my time contemplating the naming choices of bottled water. It kind of seems like something you should do for your own benefit. You know, so you get the feeling of accomplishment and all.

[arabellaramon-blog]

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m considering breaking my No McDonalds pact (made with myself, circa 2012) to try their new sriracha sandwich. I can’t say that it sounds all that good, but I can say that sriracha makes everything better. 

Now that you’ve all been updated on my oh-so exciting life, please update me on yours. I’m sure it’ll be much more fun.

[jackie-wilde-blog]

Why would you ever do that to yourself? Their fries are amazing. Especially when you dip them in a milkshake. Plus, I doubt I can even have it since it’s a sandwich from McDonald’s. I do love sriracha, though.

My life is just as boring as yours seeing as I was doing nothing and now I just really want some fries.

[athenastjames]

Writer’s block sucks. I’ve had this idea for a story in my head for weeks, I even have the plotline worked out and everything, but then when I open my notebook I’m just… stuck. What a letdown.

[jackie-wilde-blog]

Aren’t there like writing exercises to help get over that? I don’t know anything about writing so I’m literally no use to you.

[emmettberry-blog]

Why is SmartWater called SmartWater? It doesn’t make me smarter… Whoever came up with the branding on that was not on the ball.

[jackie-wilde-blog]

Why didn’t you jut google it and save us all the hassle of reading that?

[trentevans-blog1]

Today I took shrooms after swearin’ off ‘em for at least a month. I dunno why I did it, ‘cause I instantly regretted it. But I did see Chewbacca. He was chillin’ on my bed with Yoda. My stuffed toys came to life. The lil’ green guy said, “smoke more weed you should, Trent.” I listened to him, ‘cause he’s Yoda, and now I feel like the baby Jesus has blessed me with the gift of foresight, ‘cause I see me spendin’ the rest of this week in bed tryin’ to stop the room spinnin’.

[jackie-wilde-blog]

I didn’t know shrooms did that. It sounds terrifying, especially since those are terrible characters to hallucinate. If anyone from Star Wars came to life in my presence, it better be the tall robot army guy.

[fizzjrose-blog]

What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons!

And now we’ve broke the metaphorical ice of the internet with arguably my funniest crude and nerdy joke, let me tell you some facts: I am a horrible person (and not just because of that joke). I forgot to feed Galileo for two days. (Galileo is basically the poor woman’s version of Nemo, ie. a goldfish). And I’ve drank nothing but home brewed kombucha for three days straight because I made an industrial sized batch. So really, you’re following the wrong person if you wanted some Kylie Jenner experience. But I welcome you regardless.

Hit me with your jokes, peeps. If I laugh, I’ll buy you a beverage of your choice.

[jackie-wilde-blog]

Really? A poop joke? Are we twelve? I was even on board when you mentioned the Enterprise, but then you ruined it. Also, now you’re just being mean. All animal life is precious. Even goldfish. Maybe you should set your alarm to remind you to feed him. 

[mcalextosh-blog]

I’m starting to wonder if maybe a bookstore isn’t the best place for me to be working. On one hand - discounts. On the other, I’ve lost count of how many customers have awkwardly stood in front of the counter waiting for me to look up from my book and acknowledge them, after which they seem very snooty and offended.

[jackie-wilde-blog]

Just quit your job. See what happens.

[taeyieon-deactivated20201030]

listen, cap. bad puns are funny now, okay? movies are in color. and breakfast comes in burritos. i don’t care if it ruins my stand-up career! i’ll get a double “ha” out of you if it kills me. (spider-gwen vol. 2 #2)