Yikes @jade-alyss - Tumblr Blog

guooey

I still haven’t recovered from this

flowerb-0y

janeplease

My lipgloss is poggers my lipgloss is cool all the boys be simpin i peg them after school

daxxglax

pearlsasinger-deactivated202602

not to brag but the covid tester lady said I had the sexiest nasal cavity she’d ever seen and that she doesn’t even remember yours

patterns-pets

Cozy kitties!

Hey. I post cat content. Feel free to follow and support!

todaysmeme

todays meme is:

being safe and being kind

closeupofpaintings

Carl Bloch - In a Roman Osteria, 1866 (detail), oil on canvas

paper-mario-wiki

lilnasxvevo

I LOVE the whole painting here it is:

goldwerewolf

So one time I put my peacock on my bike and realized they matched.

alsedes

#this looks like two-thirds of a barbie princess playset

dungeonlust

sca-nerd

I took my nephew and niece to their first event when they were... five and seven? They each picked out a heavy and a rapier fighter to cheer on (we made favors for them to give as part of the Plan to Keep Little Kids Entertained™). They interpreted this to mean that they were to LOOK AFTER these fighters and spent the remainder of the day taking them water and sharing goldfish crackers with them.

You don’t know happiness until you see a little kid hand a Knight an Uncrustable and have him devour it gratefully.

ruffboi-mags

#congrats your children reinvented squires (via @roach-works)

xcherrychapstix-deactivated2022

marinebiologyshitposts

oh you like marine biology? name everything that ever lived in the ocean ever

it's just me down there

nyctosaurid

the most fucked up fictional universe is all those mouse movies where mice have a secret society underneath human society where they’re fighting mouse versions of the same wars and have the same religious oppression and each have a human version of themselves

thestuffedalligator

Why does Mouse Victorian London have a military campaign in Mouse Afghanistan in The Great Mouse Detective?

What does Mouse England gain from the continued occupation of Mouse Afghanistan

obfuscobble

Mouse Opium

#is this about the tale of desperaux

thetrippytrip

I wish the world would understand..

lesbianhaircut

Good post but I have to admit my favorite part is the anime religious girls

sacrificetheory

they have the power of god AND anime on their side

weaponizedvirtue

Teef by Endling

mechanical-leo-deactivated20140

This is my favorite comic ever.

joner

not feeling like jacking off :/

dankmemeking

ur in my thoughts and prayers bro. get well soon :(

mosoli

hellenhighwater

When I was a kid, my mom was a judge and my dad was starting his solo practice, and they both worked full time. There were four of us kids between the ages of one and seven (the Just Us League) and no decent daycares nearby, so they hired a nanny. She had three almost-adult children, and on days when she couldn’t work, one of her kids would substitute. The oldest kid was named Bob, age 18, and he had just finished army basic training when this all went down. Bob did not have the good sense god gave a rock.

I have an older brother, Jake, who was seven; then me, Hellen, age five, then Seth, age three, and my little sister Gin would have been one. It was late August, and we were at our nanny’s house, though she was gone for the day. Bob was in charge.

Bob should probably not have been in charge.

Bob tried keeping us entertained with board games and tag and movies. Gin took a nap. Eventually he decided to get creative, and sat us down in the living room with a game and vanished into the garage. There was a smashing sound. And then some saw noises. And then some hammering. And then we saw him going around the house to the back yard through the windows, though we were too short to see what he was doing. And finally, he yelled to us to come out into the driveway.

Jake and Seth and I trooped out. Bob had both hands behind his back. He stepped up to Jake and revealed what he had in his right hand.

It was a wooden sword. It was clearly made from what appeared to be parts of a chair’s legs, cut down and nailed together. He presented this, and announced, “You are Sir Jake, the strongest knight!”

He stepped up to Seth and presented what was in his left hand. It was another wooden sword, smaller than the first, also crudely made out of chair legs. He announced, “You are Sir Seth, the bravest knight!”

At this point, I was practically vibrating in place, waiting eagerly for my sword so I could use it to whale on my brothers, as god intended me to do. I was therefore understandably disappointed to be presented with the business end of a garden hose and told, “You are Miss Hellen, the Water Fairy!”

“No,” I said. “I want a sword.”

Bob was confused. “But you get water magic! Magic’s great!”

“No.” I repeated, holding the hose. It had a spray nozzle set to jet. “I want a sword.”

“Magic’s great. Magic’s better than a sword.” Bob insisted. “You’ll see. Wait here a moment.”

And then Bob ran around the side of house and vanished.

We stood in the driveway. Jake and Seth poked each other with their swords. I spritzed them idly with the hose, trying to decide which of them would be easier to steal a sword from.

And then we heard a quiet wooshing noise, and smelled smoke.

We turned. As we watched, a line of fire rushed around the corner of the house, consuming a path of gasoline poured into the dry August grass.

We paused and considered this for a few moments. I raised the hose and sprayed a jet of water at the fire. It went out. We glanced at each other. Then we took off running, following the trail of fire, spraying as we went.

The fire led in a path around the house to the back yard. As we turned the corner, we saw Bob, clad in a bathrobe and holding a curtain rod, standing in the center of a large ring of burning grass. He cackled manically. “I am the FIRE WIZARD! Your puny swords are useless! Nothing but water magic can defeat me!”

I promptly blasted him with the hose. He spluttered. The fire did not go out.

I turned the hose on the fire itself, spraying a section close to us so that it would extinguish. As soon as there was enough room, Jake charged forward, brandishing his chair leg sword with a battle cry. Seth, always happy to be included, followed. They ran into the circle and began beating Bob around the kneecaps with their swords. I kept spraying.

Eventually, Bob the Fire Wizard was brought down and all the fire was extinguished. Seth and Jake continued to work on bruising Bob’s shins, and I quickly discarded the hose to lend my fists and extremely pointy elbows to the cause. Bob lay in the smoldering grass, probably regretting using such sturdy chair legs.

Once we’d all tired ourselves out and lay panting in a heap, Bob decided it was time for the moral of the story. “You see, a sword is nothing compared to the power of a little girl with **magic**.”

We thought about this for a few moments. Bob nodded wisely. Jake and Seth nodded back.

“I still want a sword.” I said.

hellenhighwater

there’s a lot of people in the tags and replies expressing several concerns, which I will address:

“Where was Gin?” She was sleeping in a crib on the sunporch. We did this a lot–played outside while she napped–because we could hear her if she woke up and started crying, but were less likely to wake her up. She slept through the whole thing and was totally fine.

“You can’t put out a gasoline fire with water.” At the time, my little kid brain assumed that any flammable liquid was gas, but in retrospect it could have been almost anything. It very well may have been something other than gasoline. All I know is I could extinguish it with a garden hose.

“What did your parents say?” A lot of swear words at a very high volume.

“Did you get a sword?” Yes. Lots. Here are a couple of them, and also my pet ringneck dove, Arson. You can see how this all may have had some lasting effect on me.