MY STORY: Coming to terms with being bisexual
I grew up in a community where being gay wasn’t ok, but I was also taught that we should still love those who are. I ended up becoming a huge ally. My parents always got annoyed with how ‘into’ the LGBT+ community I was. I always said it was because I believed that if you don’t think something is fair you should fight to change it.
For the longest time I wondered if I liked girls. I remember going to Girl Scout camp, and it was the first time I remember people making fun of someone for being gay. I became great friends with a girl that said she was bi. I remember one night when we shared a tent, I was trying to force myself to ask her how she knew, but I was too scared. Now that I look back on it, I definitely had a crush on her. One time we went backpacking overnight. We shared a very small tent, and even held hands. When I realized that she liked me too, I freaked out and tried to push her and any thought of liking girls, away. I was 12 that summer.
After that, I never allowed myself to really explore the idea of not being straight. At one point I was even bold enough to believe (or at least say that I believed) that Bisexuality wasn’t real. I was still really ‘religious’ at the time and believed that if you were attracted to girls and boys, then you did have a choice. In high school I ended up haveing two really intense ‘BFF’ ‘we Finnish each other sentences’ friendships. I look back and realize that I had huge crushes on them, but at the time they were just my best friends, and luckily for me, it’s seen as normal for girls to be super affectionate and touchy with their best friends.
Once I got into college I still considered myself straight, but I would get this weird feeling when watching videos about people coming out. Something inside my head would say, ‘you should come out’. But that didn’t make since because I didn’t like girls. It wasn’t until I started allowing myself to actually contemplate not being straight did I realize the attraction I had for girls.
One of the biggest people that has been an inspiration for me excepting my bisexuality is RJ, rj4gui4r. I related to his story. Watching his videos is what allowed me to feel comfortable questioning my sexuality in the first place.
When I watched Shane Dawson’s coming out video it all clicked. When he talked about how it would be so much easier if he was gay or straight, because then he would at least know what he was, I felt like someone had finally put how I had been feeling for years, into words. I started crying when he talked about how he had to believe that god still loved him. That’s still my biggest battle.
My relationship with god used to be a gigantic part of my life. Then I slowly started to fall away, mainly because of the way the church feels about the LGBT community. My parents and sister comment on my lack faith a lot. I tell them that I need to find a church that doesn’t condemn homosexuality and they tell me that it isn’t following god if they don’t condemn it.
I can’t believe it is wrong. I need to believe that it is ok. That I am ok.
It’s still hard for me to tell people that I’m bi. But not for why you would think. I often wish I could just say I was gay. Because there is so much stigma behind being Bi. It’s just as hard for me to come out to gay people as it is to straight people. I’m not out to my family. They think I’m still just a big ally. I honestly don’t know if I will ever come out to them unless I get in a serious relationship with a girl. Its still really scary, sometimes I wish I would just put it out of my mind and just be straight, but I know that’s not who I am. And I’m working on it. I’m working on accepting myself.
If your still reading this, then thank you. I want people to know that sometimes it isn’t a ‘I knew when I was 10’ situation. Sometimes these things are hidden so deep inside yourself, it might take until your out of high school to come out to just yourself. It might take longer. It’s ok if your story doesn’t look like others, or if it looks exactly the same. It’s still import to share it. So that’s why I shared mine!
Thanks for reading!
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