How to forgive someone, or yourself?
To forgive yourself, think about what it is that you are forgiving yourself for. It is helpful to have something specific to forgive. When you think about the specific something, place it in time. If it is from a long time ago, it is easier to forgive, because you have been through a lot of growth since it happened. If it is from the near present, something you just did, it takes immediate growth to forgive yourself.
The work of forgiveness is similar for old and new. For something old, think about what you did, why you did it, and what you wish you had done instead. If you have a clear idea of what you wish you had done, then that shows that you have remorse and know better than you did when you did it. You can feel confident that you wouldn’t make a similar mistake again and you can forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time.
For something recent, you have to check in with your sense of remorse. If you feel really bad about doing something, then you have significant remorse. If you can think about what a better response would be, then you can see that you have a new, better perspective. If you think you are not likely to do such a thing again, then you can forgive yourself. Sometimes forgiving yourself for something very recent would include trying to make things better. You might apologize or do something else that could help to fix the problem you created. Often doing something small or large to address what was done makes forgiveness easier.
To forgive somebody else it is similar, but you don’t have the ability to know how much the other person feels remorse or has grown. When you think about what the person did, think about if they are likely to continue doing it, if they have learned anything from it. If they are continuing to do it, then there is no reason to forgive them, but you can change your expectations about what they may do. If you think they feel remorseful and will stop doing what they do, then you have a sense that they have grown. You may ask for an apology. Often getting an apology makes it easier to forgive a person.
Sometimes you don’t see growth or remorse but you need to forgive anyway just to stop dwelling on it. In that case acknowledge that you recognize what was wrong and you can’t keep being hurt from a past wrong. Then you can forgive and move on.
Also, looking at intention is important both in yourself and others. It is easier to forgive mistakes than purposeful actions. As you work on forgiving yourself or others, think about if you or they intended to cause the harm they did. Accidents and mistakes made in ignorance are easier to forgive than purposeful actions. If you see that you did harm by accident, think about what you learned from the mistake, be grateful to have learned something, and forgive the mistake.
Finally, it often takes several tries to forgive something. If you think you have forgiven something or someone and your find yourself dwelling on it again, then try again. When you have truly forgiven someone or yourself, you will stop feeling the guilt or anger associated with it.
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