Dim. That’s the only way to describe how you feel now—dim. Lonely. Life felt like you were in the backseat of your own mind, someone else going through the motions. That's how grief affected you. That's how the loss of him affected you.
Now, who is he? You might be asking. He was Jason Peter Todd. My childhood friend, and the only boy I've ever loved.
We met when we were both 12. He looked out for me. He was always there. A constant light in my life, always with a smile and jokes. Bright was the only way to describe him. But he was bright in a way that lit up my life without being blinding—that's why I loved him. He was there when issues with my parents got worse. He was there through it all.We were inseparable, and I quickly fell for him.
I kept my feelings to myself for a while, unable to confess for fear of ruining our close bond. On April 27th, when we were fifteen, nearly sixteen, I finally gathered the courage to tell him how I truly felt, hoping and praying he’d feel the same.
But just as I was about to tell him, he had to go. “Family emergency,” is what he said.
The next day, I knocked on the doors of the manor. Alfred, a man whom I’d always admired, for the first time since I’d first met him, looked absolutely devastated. “What’s wrong?” I asked him, completely oblivious. I should’ve known, or guessed. It was written all over his face.
“Master Jason,” he paused. “Master Jason passed away last night.”
I didn't believe him. Couldn’t. Refused. I ran home, the city blurring around me. I didn’t even know why I was running, only that I had to run from his words. I just couldn't process that he was gone. I called and called, desperate to hear his voice—his usual, careless “What’s up?” or “What do you need?” But there was nothing. Just sent to voicemail over and over again. “Hey, it’s Jason! Leave a message!” I texted. Left voicemails that were more sobs than words. Nothing. No answer. But I still refused to believe that he was gone.
Four years passed. Four long, dull, miserable years. I tried to date; it never lasted more than a few months, so I gave up. I stayed single, focusing more on my job than anything else. I work as a hairdresser now, something Jason said I’d always be good at, considering my chatty nature. But now it’s more of a facade than anything else. An obligation.
Dick checks on me from time to time. I always brush him off, claiming I'm fine. I am. I’m fine. There's nothing wrong. I lied; he knows that, but maybe the more I say it, the truer it becomes.
It’s April 27th again, and I’m at his grave, sitting, talking to him. Telling him about my day, as if he’s there, as if he’s listening. I feel the familiar prickle of tears. I keep talking to the cold gravestone, stopping at the sound of footsteps filling the graveyard. I look over my shoulder. No one. It’s empty. But I could've sworn I heard somebody. “Hello?” I call, getting up. “Is anyone there?” I see nothing, hear nothing. But I feel someone's gaze burning a hole through me. “You know it's seriously creepy to just stare at people in cemeteries!” I say, getting frustrated and slightly worried.
Something moves near the trees, drawing my attention. “Come out!” I call, questioning why I’m not running.
To my absolute shock, a dark shape detached itself from the pines and moved into my vision. He was tall. Not just tall, huge, dressed in tactical cargo pants with holsters strapped to his thighs, a worn leather jacket over a grey undershirt. The centerpiece, though, is the bright red helmet. How the hell did I not see him? “Who are you?” I ask, taking a step forward, even as a wave of self-consciousness hits me. My hair is a mess, my eyes are puffy and red, and I’m definitely not dressed to confront this… Man? He remains silent, and I do my best to push past the feeling of looking crazy. “I said, who are you?” I demand, forcing the words out with the confidence I didn’t have, but desperately needed……