“I heard it all.” || a Jax X reader thingy || (part8)
heads up: this will not contain any sexual topics, she/her pronouns will be used for reader, headcanons, and there is a LOT of angst in this one. (EPISODE 6 SPOILERS)
it was the night of the award show, and you had been sitting next to kinger and ragatha, waiting for Jax to arrive, thinking that he had hopefully felt better after what happened earlier. oh yeah, earlier..
you had overheard everything between Jax and pomni earlier. you had felt extremely bad for both ends. you couldn't shake the words from Jax replaying in your head though.. if he felt that way about pomni and everyone else, did he feel that way about you too?
he said he didn’t care about anyone. you wanted to ask him about it so bad, but figured you should wait. but you were worried. what if he was just doing all of this just for fun. what if he was only PRETENDING he liked you. what if it was all just so he could distract himself? you heard footsteps behind you, to see Jax. but he didn’t look happy, and he wasn’t approaching you either, and you didn’t blame him. you figured he wouldn’t wanna be around anyone after the fact, so you decided to just enjoy the show.
you had heard some slight thumping over by Jax, he looked distressed. no, like he wanted to cry. he looked regretful, and full of dread. his foot was thumping against the ground. he was having a panic attack. you stood up to go check on him, but he had already started running out the door to the bathroom.
hours had passed since the award show, Jax hadn’t spoken a word to you, and you figured he still needed time to himself, and you were gonna let him have that. but you could not lie, you were extremely worried. what if he was in his room abstracted? what if he starts thinking about everything too hard, and you can’t get there quick enough to help. you felt helpless. you didn’t know what to do. you wanted to talk to someone about it, to maybe see if they could help, but you seemed to be out of luck. ragatha might just be uncomfortable, and you doubt Jax would want you bring the situation up to her especially. you couldn’t go to pomni, ESPECIALLY not pomni. she was apart of everything. kinger would just either forget what you were even saying five seconds in, or he wouldn’t even listen. gangle would just… not know what to do, probably also be uncomfortable. and zooble, they probably would be able to help, but may not give much, being that they practically hate Jax anyway. so you figured you had to take it upon yourself to do something.
he had been in there for hours. all he could think about was you, and the whole situation earlier. he knew what he said, he barely meant it. yeah, he wasn’t all for the others, but he still cared about them, though he’d never admit it. but you. he knew he didn’t mean it about you. as cliche as it sounds, you were really the only one he fully cared about, if he was honest, he loved you. there was just something about you, something different. you were kinda like ragatha, but not so much as in constantly trying too hard, you cared for others, but actually let out your emotions when you needed to. you laughed at his jokes, and joked back. you were real. and that was the worst part. you honestly reminded him of ribbit, and that killed him. it was the worst part of loving you. he was worried for you. he knew there were times you would bottle up emotions, but it wasn’t too often, at least he didn’t think so.
eventually he had started to think to himself about everything that’s happened the last time he got close with someone. they abstracted, and just the reminder of it felt like a stab in the heart to him. but not to mention you. he didn’t wanna go through that again, especially with you. the thought lingered in his mind, each time it popped up again like a sharp blade. he realized what he was gonna have to do. as much as he loved you, and knew… well.. at least HOPED you loved him too, you were getting too close. he didn’t wanna be hurt again, but didn’t wanna hurt you. he just was struggling with a way he would have to tell you.
he didn’t think he could do it again though, he had already been through so much as it is. he wanted to cry, but held himself back. it would just make everything worse. he didn’t wanna let go, especially not of you.
you knocked on jax’s door softly.
”jax? you in there?” silence. “hey, it’s (name).. i just wanted to check on you..” still, it was silent, so you decided to open his door. he was just laying there, staring blankly at the ceiling. “jax? you okay?” he just looked over at you, no smirk. just a blank expression, that slowly started turning into a frown. he looked like he was holding back tears. he smiled just a bit to answer you. “never better.” that killed you. “hey.. so uh.. I heard some.. stuff between you and pomni earlier.” jax looked scared, he knew that you now knew. “how much.. did you hear?” his voice slightly breaking. there was a bit of silence for a moment. “I heard it all.” he froze. “did you.. mean that about.. everyone?” your voice slightly breaking at the end of the question. he just stared at you, he looked so insanely and deeply saddened. “I..” he didn’t know what to say. he knew it wasn’t true, what he said meant nothing and didn’t apply to you. it didn’t apply do anyone, but he didn’t know if he could risk letting his mask slip away. “oh..” you said quietly, voice breaking. “no.. i.. i just-“ “why didn’t you just.. say so..?” you asked, forcing a slight smile, eyes filling up with tears. he looked so sad, he regretted even saying anything earlier. “I just.. i can’t do it again..” he said quietly. “you.. can’t do.. what again?” you asked, voice breaking even more. silence filled the room until he finally decided to answer. “I can’t lose someone again.” he attempted to say firmly, but his voice trembled every word he spoke. you felt a tear roll down your cheek. “jax.. wha.. what do you mean, i’m.. I’m right here? see?” you tried to reassure him, while smiling. he looked at you, tears filling his eyes. “I’m.. I can’t let you get hurt because of me.. I won’t let it happen again, not to you.” he said, voice shaking. “jax.. please.. i- I’m still right here, I won’t abstract because.. I have you! that’s enough for me, i promise!” you desperately explained, hoping he’d listen. “no.” it almost interrupted you, it was a quick and firm answer, you had felt like you lost.
silence had filled the air, thickening it in the most sickening way possible. “whatever makes you happy.” you said, weakly smiling at him, tears rolling down your face. he couldn’t look at you, he just buried his face in his legs, his legs hugging his chest. “whatever you want.” you said quietly, trying not to let him know that you were crying. he looked up at you, eyes heavy. “this isn’t what I want.. i’m..” more silence filled the room. “so why are you doing it?” you asked weakly, still crying. he stood up, and walked over to you, his hands lightly tied around your waist. you looked at him, genuinely shocked. “what are you-“ your words were interrupted by a long and sudden kiss. after what had felt like forever, you two finally pulled away. he rested his chin on the top of your head. “I care about you.” you started to cry more at his words, but in a good way.
“I promise, I won’t abstract, okay?” you said, hopefully reassuring him. “please, don’t.” he chuckled, trying to make everything lighter, but not making it seem like he was trying to make it humorous after what has just happened.
so you two had just been laying in his room, just not saying much, but just trying to appreciate each other’s company, like you had been alone for years.
