I don't know where I can write free-form so it's here
I absolutely hate how I look.
I'm so fat, I'm so spotty, I'm so short, my body is misshapen.
Even before the pandemic, I've let my body go, and I'll always regret not staying in shape. I don't think I can ever get my body back again.
Why can't I go on a crazy crash course diet and exercise routine where I lose a shocking amount of weight? I wouldn't even know what I'd look like if I lost the weight - where does the flab go, does it just hang? Once my skin and fat has expanded once, it can't go back again. I'll never be as thin as I once was.
Why am I still so SPOTTY. There was a time when all my spots cleared, and my skin actually wasn't red! Why are they all coming back, and why am I getting stupid big spots on my neck and shoulders? Never-ending spots on my nose and my cheeks and my chin.
I hate my boobs so much. They are just sacks of fat on my chest, and they're an absolute waste. I can't do a single thing with them. And because I haven't worn a proper bra in 4 years, they now sag halfway down my torso. Even if I bind, I'll never be fully flat.
I want to punch my stomach in so much. It's just round and protruding. It's a beer belly, and I've never drank beer in my life. All I do is wobble everywhere, and I can't get rid of the belly pooch just wobbling and hanging over my pelvis.
I try to hide my fat, but I can never hide it fully unless I get a full body sock that sucks every single part in. At this point, I don't even care if it hurts.
I've gained a double chin, and it's just disgusting. How on earth could i have let myself go like this? The only way I can look thin is if I'm looking at myself from a low height.
I'm not pretty anymore, if I ever was. If I was ever to start T, I'd just be uglier. Trans men are the handsomest men out there, but because i was never really handsome in the first place, I'd just look worse.
I can't even do anything to help it. PCOS can't be cured. There's nothing to take for it.
I wish I had an enormous paper bag with eye-holes that I could hide under, until I look better.
I'm sick of being in public, on show, every day. Even if people aren't looking at me, I feel them looking at me. Waiting for the bus, on the bus, walking to work, at my desk, in the canteen. I just hate it.
Can I hibernate and just come back when I'm looking better?
I'm glad I got my feelings off my chest, because I'm not getting anything else off any time soon