Is it wrong to date a non-believer?
Now, letās begin. And the question is:Ā If a believer, is it wrong to date a non-believer?Ā Here is my answer.
Before we can even say wrong or right,Ā and I remind that I will be answering as a Bible-believing Christian, letās see first what dating really means. So,Ā if we look into the Word of God for answers, weāll find that there reallyĀ isn'tĀ any category for man and woman āromantic relationsā such as ādatingā or āboyfriend/girlfriend.āĀ Thereās only betrothed/engaged or married and that is, of course, if we are only talking about decent or proper relations. Let us not count in sexual relations outside of the covenant, as they fall under a completely different topic.
Given this,Ā ever since I became a Christian, I figured that it is only fitting to get to know a guy whether by dating or getting into a more exclusive relationship entails that I MUST have considered him for marriage.Ā Moreover, for me to get into it, the guy also must have considered me for marriage, as well. (And when I say this, I mean really thought about it and have counted the costs already. By no means is this just ādreamingā or āonly if it works out.ā) This way, we both lessen the chances for unnecessary hurt, pain, memories, and whatever falls under the Facebook category called: āitās complicated.ā
Now what the Bible says clearly though is that we shouldnāt be āyoked with unbelieversā (2 Corinthians 6:14). The verse actually warns ALL Christians and not just married ones, which perhaps can shed more light on the conundrum.Ā The verse isnāt saying that we shouldnāt cut all relations with those who donāt believe. It just says, ādo not be yoked.āĀ Keyword in that text is actually yoke and dictionary says it is this: āa wooden cross piece that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to the plow or cart that they are to pull.ā So letās say 2 carabaos are under the same yoke, where carabao 1 wants to plow, thatās where carabao 2 shall plow, too. Because of that yoke, the 2 are inseparable. It binds them together and joins their forces and strengths to accomplish one work and in one way/direction.
Now letās imagine 2 people under the figurative yoke.Ā What Paul in this text is saying in essence is, if person one wants to plow his/her way to death, person 2 has no choice but to follow.Ā Even if person 2 doesnāt want to, person 1 will be dragging person 2 to die. Or if they fight about it and no one wins, itās a standstill. In this scenario, no work gets done, no one can move forward.
Marriage is a kind of yoke, if you think about it. It is about becoming one flesh- and flesh doesnāt pertain only to the physical realm.Ā It is the merging of lives - of names, bodies, bank accounts, philosophies, social standing, etc. And by now we should already see the problem. If Christians do end up marrying someone whoĀ doesn'tĀ believe Christ, you can just imagine how the yoke is going to work for the marriage.Ā Specially when Christians say that God or Jesus is the most important person and part of their life.
To now go back to the question is it wrong to date a non-believer, I personally believe that it isnāt but given what I have just laid out for you- how I would personally enter dating only if it shows potential for marriage and how marriage is binding- I wouldnāt advise it. This verse actually comes to mind: āI have the right to do anything,ā you sayābut not everything is beneficial.Ā āI have the right to do anythingāābut not everything is constructiveā (1 Corinthians 10:23).Ā And let us not fool ourselves, binding or yoking may happen (and that would be more often than not, actually) even before marriage! The most natural trajectory of any boy-girl relationship is to go deeper and more serious as the days go by, and even when we donāt mean to, time will find ādatersā yoked one way or another.
And more importantly,Ā I wouldnāt advise it not only because itās impractical, but because our decisions and choices and even pieces of adviceĀ communicate and express whatās really in our hearts.Ā That while I know that many stories have had āa happy endingā even if they chose to pursue a way that is not founded on Godās Word and the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I personally think that the question boils down to, not so much āA believer or non-believer?ā but āA non-believer or God?ā
Because at the end of the day,Ā no one is forcing us to be with a Christian/believer we donāt like or love.Ā But what this question forces out of us is the admission that if we go for the unbeliever, it only means that we would rather do life with someone who does not believe the God we say we love and adore and follow so much, than believe that life without this person is more bearable than the thought of doing life without God.
We cannot put God in a box, that is true. But we also cannot lie in the depths of our hearts about the choices we make. They will always say something about the condition of our faith. If I canāt give to tithes, I still have more faith in my money more than God. If I canāt say no to a role that will dishonor God, I have more faith in my boss or my industry more than God. If I canāt say no to an unbeliever so handsome, so accomplished, so good in worldly terms, then I have more faith in man than God. If I canāt bear the thought of being āforever single, therefore lonely,ā then I put my faith in a temporal relationship and not the eternal mercy, grace, and power of God.
Bottom line is this: God provides all the time.Ā Specifically, either He provides what we want or He provides the grace to go through notĀ
P.S. 1:Ā I do not mean to say that god cannot redeem. Of course, He can. And perhaps it is His plan for you after all. But as an adviser to those who are just about to go through it: I would go for the best one possible in light of and aligned with His Word and Spirit, and avoid those that would rather trust reparations. It would be like saying, āLetās enter this and let God fix the mess later.ā Although He can, why would I? Thatās just the wrong heart.
P.S. 2:Ā Piece of advice to Christian singlesĀ who are going through the motions of romantic love - ask advice from married people. They have a more realistic view of what it means to fall AND stay in love. Asking another single person about it will only yield you 1) the same depth of wisdom and reality as yours 2) purely ideas and zero experience.
P.S. 3:Ā Perhaps many women activists will be bothered, again, by the thought of āsubmitting to husbands.āĀ Let me just assure you that this is Biblical principle functions not only to protect the men, but also the women. To read it as a form of oppression to women will be reading it out of context, which I am sure the activists also do not wish Christians to do so with their own āvision and mission.ā
P.S. 4:Ā About āthe believer.āĀ When I say believer, I mean someone who believes in the triune God, has had an encounter with Jesus and nurturing a growing relationship with Him (which means he/she reads. receives, Godās Word- because how else can God continuously speak to him/her if not for His Word?). I am afraid that many claim to ābelieve in Godā but are only saying this because they belong to a specific church, group, church- in short, they only belong to a religion and not really the Lord. When dating, one must discern the authenticity if the faith of the person he/she is dealing with. One indication is that this person was changed due to his/her relationship with the Lord and is still being changed as time goes by. Another is that you can see he/she lives according to the Truth of the Word. A believer is not someone who just goes to mass or service on Sundays, Bible study groups on a certain weekday, and lives the rest of his/her life without relying on the grace of God. Ā Now there are believers who are spiritually mature and there are those who are just beginning in the faith.
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