JAZ=CREATOR

[jazequalscreator]

Clara: You're going to help me?

The Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?

Clara: Because of what I just did, I just...

The Doctor: You betrayed me. You betrayed my trust. You betrayed our friendship. You betrayed everything...you let me down!

Clara: Then why are you helping me?

The Doctor: Why? Do you think that I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

[jazequalscreator]

With great hair, comes great responsibility. Sometimes this little reminder is needed. How can you rise anew if first you have not become ashes - neitzsche #riseanew #quote #neitzsche #powerful #ginger #iamenough #inspiration #reminder #imok #iwillbefine #iampowerful #resilient #hope #hopeful #dontgiveup #littledove #youareaphoenix #phoenix

[jazequalscreator]

Saturday morning musings #quotes #framing #redecorating #inspiration #birchermuesli #homemade #sweetrose #rosetea #tealover #saturdaymorningfeels

[jazequalscreator]

Frankly my dear, I give all the damns! #giveadamn #manydamns #allthedamns #quoteoftheday #giving #caring #care #passion #heartonmysleeve #icare #verymuch

[jazequalscreator]

"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers". Entering day 4 of struggle town, I forget my wallet as I order my truly needed almond milk hot chocolate on my lunch break... the kind staff tell me to fix them up next time. I almost cried. #thankful #almondmilk #hotchocolate #broadbeanorganic #cafe #kindness #breakneeded #pushingthrough #kindnessofstrangers #streetcar #streetcarnameddesire #blanche

[jazequalscreator]

I give myself permission, that's the only sanction I need. #dowhatyouwant #allowyourself #pleasures #wordsofwisdom #freedom #acceptance #life #quoteoftheday #quote #ican #andiwill

[digg]

[jazequalscreator]

One of my favourite women sent me this. It makes two things very clear. Umbrellas are inspirational and there is not enough Queen in my life!

[jazequalscreator]

Captured from my night. #whimsy #wine #cocktails #longroom #barampere #magical #ceiling #swamp #fairylights #pink #lippy #strawberryblonde

[jazequalscreator]

Some stills have surfaced from #thedarknessshortfilm Who wants to give us all the money to turn this baby into a feature hey? #designlife #crossbow #filmingday #film #onset #crew #remus #dark #warehouse #movie #lighting #thesekids #wishwewerethere

[jazequalscreator]

Jaz and the city. A love affair that will last and will always include wine. #melbourne #love #wine #wineselfie #thecity #redwine #redredwine #graffiti #skyline #viewfromstudio

[jazequalscreator]

An Artist’s Life Manifesto by Marina Abramovic. This will be my mantra, my goal and my exploration this year. 

[jazequalscreator]

#threewinesonemovie #housered #noir #winedown

[jazequalscreator]

Happy New Year?

For the first two weeks of the New Year I have been either sick or injured. Today is the first day that I have felt semi human again.

I spent the start of 1/1/15 in a euphoric hungover daze. I happily gulped down a pancake breakfast that was made for me, enjoyed a ‘fancy dress’ walk of shame to the train station and then spent the majority of the day on the couch with Chinese takeaway and Ally Mcbeal. But my hangover headache and toxin invested body wasn’t mending and it wasn’t for lack of greasy food. I was sick! How Rude! Instead of my slate being wiped clean by the New Year Fairy, I was wiping my snotty, raw nose instead.

When you are single you never feel more alone than when you are sick.

I had been slowed almost to a halt by the most annoying of sicknesses, the common cold, that unfavourable inhibitor that departs when only rest is instilled. Something I was most unwilling to do being the New Year. My new start was ruined by a damn cold.

Most of my years on this earth I have had a live in “nurse”, be it my mother, other immediate family member, live in partner or boyfriend who has been around long enough to take on certain bf responsibilities. These were my go to people when suffering with illness and needed help.

But with my mum and sis in other cities and my best friends either at work or in other states I was left all to my lonesome in my tower of used tissues. While in this kingdom of isolation I wallowed in a profuse amount of self pity.

And then, low and behold, I woke up one morning and was well enough to face the day. Yeah I still had the sniffles, but I felt I could rejoin the world. So with some new found hope I decided to go out big and start the day with some fitness.

I filled my sleeve with tissues (you know we all do it) and jumped on Roxy (my bike) and headed for Fed square to participate in the first Fit Club of the year. Success! I felt wonderful; I was interacting with people and having a glorious time. I rode home, like on a cloud, just floating on the happiness of the combined company and endorphins. And after lunch I thought, what the hell, I will ride my bike down to Malvern....

I guess that you are all clever enough to pick up on the impending doom about to go down. As I cycled up High St I sped past a fellow bike rider who was slowing me down, my back tyre hit the tram tracks and I span off Roxy and onto the road in a spectacular fashion. Knee, palm, chin was the order in which I ate dust.

evidence of the crash with obligatory sad face

Now you might think that this event may have spiraled me into another, more intense pit of self loathing. But I actually found the whole situation (although I am very lucky it wasn’t worse) quite hilarious. The universe was challenging me it seemed. Well challenge accepted!   

We think that at the start of the New Year some kind of magic dust will be sprinkled on us all and “poof” we have this brand new start. Easy as that, life will be great now.

New Years is a wonderful time because it is full of hope. It is the one recognised time of the year when we all allow ourselves to begin fresh without the speculation or judgement because we are all in it together. We do so by resolutions and make grand plans and omissions and think that by some sort of magic the 1st of the New Year will bring around change.

It doesn’t always happen like that, at least by magic that is.

In my new found experience it happens through determination, through realising your self-worth. Knowing what you want and allowing yourself to go for it. Yes there will be things that momentarily hold you back, like I have experienced with great force so far this year. I have crazy cool scabs and bruises to prove it. But it is about accepting that those things did happen, let them run their course and then resume.

Don’t give up.

I’m certainly going to try at least.

I hope you all do too xx   

[jazequalscreator]

For beyond the difficulty of communicating oneself, there is the supreme difficulty of being oneself

Virginia Woolf

[jazequalscreator]

"The fickle finger of fate"

As the year of the horse comes to an end, like countless others, I have been reflecting on what kind of year it has been.

How upsetting it is to find that my year vaguely follows the plot of one of my least favourite musicals to date, Sweet Charity. As ironic as it is, there is such a saddening truth to it.

I unintentionally spent another year dedicating my life to that of a man.

I used to watch Sweet Charity in its Movie Musical glory and find myself so angry with Shirley MacLaine’s title role character. I was irate at her for making the same mistakes and ending up exactly where she started at the beginning of the film, alone, unwanted and longing for love. What a silly fool, what an unsatisfying ending, what cruelty of men, I thought. So it is with deep regret that I find myself in that exact same position.

At the end of last year I was dumped (however not in the water, like Charity was) and left alone, robbed of my dignity, left with a mountain of love, now to be directed towards misery. I picked myself up and like all fools of love, found some hope inside my broken heart and began to live again. In the same surroundings with the same loveless job, wishing for something better and stupidly believing that “something better” came in the package of a man. And like my home girl Charity, fell all over again. Unless you were a close friend, you would probably have ever even known that I had.

I felt like a shameful secret, kept close for the protection of self preservation. I spent most of my year in a lovesick daze, never knowing when I was wanted or not. As Oscar chose to cut and run from Charity in the end, my swell fella did also. For the exact same reason that my last beau had, leaving me alone and unwanted, at the same exact time as last year’s incident (give or take a week).

How horrific it was and how very stupid I felt.

How is it that I have made this mistake all over again and why is my life driven by that of a man?

I must state, that out of the heartbreak that came from the two men who have taken part in this sharing today, great friendships were born. They are both wonderful people, who I obviously care about very much. This is more a cautionary tale of my foolishness rather than a beratement of them. Giving me a new found respect for the Musical and a greater understanding of “the fickle finger of fate” as Charity would say.

You see, I see myself as a strong and independent woman. As someone who has never been shy with my self-expression or holding back. So why do men turn me to lovesick mush.

The phrase ‘I am my mother’s daughter’ springs to mind. My darling Mudi (which I affectionately call her) is to me, the singular most loving and caring person you will ever meet. Her optimism, faith and hope I have always admired. But I can’t help but think that this mistake I keep making with men, may have come from watching her generous actions. She does so much for the one she loves and forgets to love herself.

So even though my mum is my role model for extreme care and love, maybe I need to be looking to others for a bit of guidance when it comes to other areas of my life as well?

There were a few women in particular this year that have loved me so much that should be at the forefront of my mind. It is troubling that this amazing love given by these women isn’t enough for me? Something I endeavour to be accepting of in the year to come. So rather than holding on to the love lost this year, I will now direct my attentions to that of which I have gained.

Two women I have known since my teens made a brilliant and epic comeback into my life this year.  It is wonderful to see what inspiring and complex women they have grown into and I am so very blessed by the love they give. It is breathtaking sometimes to experience the lengths people will go to just to make you smile. For that I am so humbled and grateful.  

I was also very fortunate to have another two pint sized powerhouses blast into my life. With strength, brilliant artistry and wonderfully considered thoughts, they have helped me to realise the strength in the artist I have in me.

Through all the joys and tribulations that have fallen upon me this year, they have been a constant in a very uncertain world. And have been the inspiration for this and the many posts to come.

I have also learnt that I am in fact, an Artist, a struggling Artist at that, but an Artist all the same. Struggling to call myself one but also struggling in life to do anything but.  I also have a brilliant ability to push myself to the absolute limit for the good of the work. When I am creating, my life seems clear and attainable. I feel like I can breathe and the air is sweet and fresh, like the beginning of the rain.   

With New Years looming and the tradition of resolutions sitting heavy on our shoulders I have decided upon mine.

To love myself, as an artist and a person

And to learn

Learn through the stories of all the wonderful women who went before me, learn off those who I have I my life and finally learn from my mistakes.

How embarrassing it would be to have this happen 3 years in a row, there is no musical to my recollection that encompasses that plot.

So like Carrie Bradshaw in the most cliché of ways I sit here at my desk, sharing those thoughts I just cannot keep to myself. 2015, the year of Carrie.  So I hope you will indulge me in this year ahead by allowing yourselves to devoir these words I offer up so freely.

To 2015, a year dedicated to women!