"The fickle finger of fate"
As the year of the horse comes to an end, like countless others, I have been reflecting on what kind of year it has been.
How upsetting it is to find that my year vaguely follows the plot of one of my least favourite musicals to date, Sweet Charity. As ironic as it is, there is such a saddening truth to it.
I unintentionally spent another year dedicating my life to that of a man.
I used to watch Sweet Charity in its Movie Musical glory and find myself so angry with Shirley MacLaine’s title role character. I was irate at her for making the same mistakes and ending up exactly where she started at the beginning of the film, alone, unwanted and longing for love. What a silly fool, what an unsatisfying ending, what cruelty of men, I thought. So it is with deep regret that I find myself in that exact same position.
At the end of last year I was dumped (however not in the water, like Charity was) and left alone, robbed of my dignity, left with a mountain of love, now to be directed towards misery. I picked myself up and like all fools of love, found some hope inside my broken heart and began to live again. In the same surroundings with the same loveless job, wishing for something better and stupidly believing that “something better” came in the package of a man. And like my home girl Charity, fell all over again. Unless you were a close friend, you would probably have ever even known that I had.
I felt like a shameful secret, kept close for the protection of self preservation. I spent most of my year in a lovesick daze, never knowing when I was wanted or not. As Oscar chose to cut and run from Charity in the end, my swell fella did also. For the exact same reason that my last beau had, leaving me alone and unwanted, at the same exact time as last year’s incident (give or take a week).
How horrific it was and how very stupid I felt.
How is it that I have made this mistake all over again and why is my life driven by that of a man?
I must state, that out of the heartbreak that came from the two men who have taken part in this sharing today, great friendships were born. They are both wonderful people, who I obviously care about very much. This is more a cautionary tale of my foolishness rather than a beratement of them. Giving me a new found respect for the Musical and a greater understanding of “the fickle finger of fate” as Charity would say.
You see, I see myself as a strong and independent woman. As someone who has never been shy with my self-expression or holding back. So why do men turn me to lovesick mush.
The phrase ‘I am my mother’s daughter’ springs to mind. My darling Mudi (which I affectionately call her) is to me, the singular most loving and caring person you will ever meet. Her optimism, faith and hope I have always admired. But I can’t help but think that this mistake I keep making with men, may have come from watching her generous actions. She does so much for the one she loves and forgets to love herself.
So even though my mum is my role model for extreme care and love, maybe I need to be looking to others for a bit of guidance when it comes to other areas of my life as well?
There were a few women in particular this year that have loved me so much that should be at the forefront of my mind. It is troubling that this amazing love given by these women isn’t enough for me? Something I endeavour to be accepting of in the year to come. So rather than holding on to the love lost this year, I will now direct my attentions to that of which I have gained.
Two women I have known since my teens made a brilliant and epic comeback into my life this year. It is wonderful to see what inspiring and complex women they have grown into and I am so very blessed by the love they give. It is breathtaking sometimes to experience the lengths people will go to just to make you smile. For that I am so humbled and grateful.
I was also very fortunate to have another two pint sized powerhouses blast into my life. With strength, brilliant artistry and wonderfully considered thoughts, they have helped me to realise the strength in the artist I have in me.
Through all the joys and tribulations that have fallen upon me this year, they have been a constant in a very uncertain world. And have been the inspiration for this and the many posts to come.
I have also learnt that I am in fact, an Artist, a struggling Artist at that, but an Artist all the same. Struggling to call myself one but also struggling in life to do anything but. I also have a brilliant ability to push myself to the absolute limit for the good of the work. When I am creating, my life seems clear and attainable. I feel like I can breathe and the air is sweet and fresh, like the beginning of the rain.
With New Years looming and the tradition of resolutions sitting heavy on our shoulders I have decided upon mine.
To love myself, as an artist and a person
Learn through the stories of all the wonderful women who went before me, learn off those who I have I my life and finally learn from my mistakes.
How embarrassing it would be to have this happen 3 years in a row, there is no musical to my recollection that encompasses that plot.
So like Carrie Bradshaw in the most cliché of ways I sit here at my desk, sharing those thoughts I just cannot keep to myself. 2015, the year of Carrie. So I hope you will indulge me in this year ahead by allowing yourselves to devoir these words I offer up so freely.
To 2015, a year dedicated to women!