lights go out

[littlealienproducts]

[jd-love-blog]

covered in ink

im covered in ink, tattooed with ideas, smothered by topics chosen by my professors

[jd-love-blog]

im just so dirty im a self depricating little shit i want to cut myself until i no longer bleed till the liquid that comes out of my skin is my soul so that it can finally leave my body and i can be empty

[jd-love-blog]

All I want for christmas is mental stability

[jd-love-blog]

I want hair in my face, wind rushing through my veins, the experience of diving into something feet deep.

[jd-love-blog]

about

sometimes i feel overwhelmingly sad. now is one of those times. i do not know what to do with it. put it in a box somewhere no one can see it, bury it in the sand so deep it will sink and no determined dog is ever going to dig it up. so ill put it here. a place where it exists. a place where it can breathe. why am i such a freak so tied up so wound up so obsessively crazy about...i dont even know what about.

[jd-love-blog]

what if

What if you could let out your desires fears emotions loves distastes and leave them be for the whole world to see? Would you be free then? Vulnerable yes. I want to be that. I want to not care what you he or she thinks. But I do. Because I love you because you were the one who was supposed to “get me.” You are my friend and if I cant be all the way real around have to filter my mouth my affect behaviors to you cater like im not even me then, whats the point? Im no longer free. But you see a good friend of mine told me its not a a closed door, it’s one closing and another opening in letting something fade another thing is created. I just, don’t know what that is yet. 

[jd-love-blog]

unfinished

why why is there more freedom here than that of there? In the classroom on my papers what i think versus what i say? is this book going too far what does that even mean? why is there an interest, curiosity, and also disgust physical hesitancy to say maybe its just liberal. if i had understanding dear child i would impart it to you feed it you with ally my bias and self-deceptions, gentle reader gentle reader why does he use such an endearing term while he rapes our vision with words unread words untyped thoughts that should not be thought. fruedian thought ones that stem from "suppressed" desires. Yet its a choice one chooses to read a book and continues an audience an attentive audience one that the author can engage is where the words become thoughts and begin to wander , make one question. Does the author have intention look for A it means B or C or B and C. The text is an invasion one that is allowed through every word read. im pissed. Give me substance. a substance make me feel something.not a drug. your words feed me nothing but shit. what am i supposed to do with shit?

[f0rtunefadedd-deactivated201205]

[serenidadx]

dAVE

[sexxtme-deactivated20130328]

fuck me

[jd-love-blog]

First day of training

[brasilcomedia]

[jd-love-blog]

how i feel

[emmachandler]

Actually the best thing in the world! 😍

[jd-love-blog]

Yesss lol

[spaceapez-deactivated20170808]

[jd-love-blog]

Haha I find this entertaining. My earliest alarm is only 7.40...well looks like im gonna have to kick it up a notch for the 8 ams!

[jd-love-blog]

i wish i could give you a picture

I wish I could give you a picture. One that said everything I want to say, what I meant to say with out messing it up, because I tend to do that with words. In fact I am unsure who I am writing this to currently. Is that crazy? Well whomever does read this or choose to read this is probably a good friend of mine.. so I am in safe hands sort of. This picture would be worth more than a thousand words it would be you, me, and the in-between. All that we have shared wrapping itself into a tiny square just so we could finally define what ever we had and like all works of art they are never finished. I like to think of the artwork as a living thing..being. Layer upon layer are you excited to find out what lies ahead? Maybe I want to be an artist so bad it will happen. Wow I use maybe a lot. I am full of half wishes, half hopes, so that they do not go to high. And I do not know why. Everything I cannot say or write. 

much love

[jd-love-blog]

w nt r thoughts

What if these beats these musical notes inside my head are not the only ones I am meant to hear. What if I was meant to share? Would that be selfish not to…its obvious I need a therapist that does not have a keyboard. I have noticed I am trying extremely hard not to use contractions, which I might add is quite difficult after not writing in a long time. I miss my skills my analysis and my memory. I guess memory is the first thing to go. How I do miss it. Perhaps writing will make it more secure or just reinforce bias. Either way I am going to remember the way I do. And no telling if it is accountable aha. No promises. I cannot believe I used to write so much of boys how silly indeed. I know winter is not traditionally a start or some sort of rebirth but maybe it is fitting. Maybe I need to walk out in my white winter coat and find my snow, something frozen and pure and dirty and sent from above. Maybe then in dirty cold idea of winter I will find life or at least a fresh chill. Is that what I need a jolt or a snowball to the head? Some kid to tell me I am crazy for sitting out in the cold looking for something I do not even know. But it has its advantages of course the “outside.” Well first of it is supposed to be good to get fresh air at least that is what I have been told. And nature has posed a lot of good questions and conversations. Questions of humanity, oh dear I shall not get into that. I just want a winter wonder, my Christmas miracle or at least a glimpse of the frosty imagination. 

[jd-love-blog]

well hello there

I honestly need a new start. A new a new opinion. Yay I finally can spell opinion correctly. Why is it I can only concentrate with music pumped into my ears listening on repeat to the high highs? Yes maybe music is my high. Well why now have I just realized I have no idea if I am headed the right direction with my life. I mean I have passion for things and I do not follow them. I guess that may be somewhat true in my love life, which does not really count as one I suppose. Anywho, besides the point, I have given up on dreams the girl who always encourages dreams. The one who is a, a hypocrite. I say go at least apply yourself. Apply to the college of your dreams; you will never know unless you try and yet here I am saying ooh look how fun that is watching what I love but not trying. Not even trying. I gave up on you, on my passions, my loves. I thought twas too difficult. I am a lazy, lethargic couch potato. Or maybe a crisp because I like those much more. So from here while I have time to actually contemplate my hopes I will try. I will see if what I love is still my love and if in fact it is what I still enjoy…then I guess it is my new approach. To life. Because as I once said a few days ago, “If there is not something worth dying for, then there would not be something worth living for.” So why am I not living? Why do I not feel alive? Why is it that I feel the most me when I am crazy tired and loopy or caffeine driven. How sad it has become to think that I am so uptight I cannot recognize myself…that I am trying to find pieces of myself or what I thought I was in objects that make me feel. I am only eighteen years of age. I have time but I must not waste what I have been given. I have been so mistaken. Maybe this major or career path is not so off from what I want but I cannot deny it is all I want. Sure I want “justice” I want to get involved in the government because it seems secure. I have this moral compass that drives me this need to “help” people. Maybe some selfish part of me wants to feel needed or do just some bit of good. But I am not sure I love giving people comfort and love and making something beautiful. Beautiful it is so subjective and yet most can point it out fairly easily..when something inspires you takes your breath away because beauty gives and takes life. Do not ask why or what I mean by these words. I do not always know myself. I am always wishy-washy.

-the undecided

So today thank you. Thank you for looking at what I have to say or scrolling past. And now write yourself something to remember. Raise a glass to the future may it be blinding may it be bright and hopefully you are the one shining.