It has been a month or so, I have a feeling of transforming into something new, something that I don't recognize - maybe in a distant future, I'll curse this period of my lifetime... or maybe not; they say everything happens for a reason, but I still don't see anything that will make sense about transforming point that I'm going through!These days, I'm spending less time with my family, most of the time when I'm home, I'm on this screen scrolling down through the internet with my headphones on listening to same music over and over again, wasting my time here or there... and when I'm out passing the days with my colleagues... I'm starting to talk less, agree with whatever my surrounding is saying, just to avoid unnecessary arguments... keep listening to meaningless conversations that I'm not supposed to be engaged with... and yet, still can't say no to the things that I don't like - it has been my nature since the childhood, to spend my energy on different things that are not related to each other at all... I remember this time, one of my teachers once told me to keep my focus and goals narrow sighted; instead of focusing on too many different things at the same time, it'll be way better for me just to take one path and follow it, he explained it with with a beautiful demonstration and said "it's alright sometimes to visit the nearby villages on your path, but make sure not to be lost about where you're headed to," at the moment I feel like I'm lost, because I don't see anything that makes sense for me anymore!My problem is, until this moment, I don't know what will I do or be next day... I still don't have a clear vision for myself! I do trust the process, that if you work hard, you'll get what you want, but what worries me is, I still don't know what I want! I mean, if you go out there and ask random people about their goals, future dreams, or plans; nearly all of them at least have an idea about their visions or they have a passion that they work for! Like, somebody may tell you that they want to live a perfect life or run a successful business... But I still don't know what I'm doing here, sometimes I feel like I have wasted all these years on nothing, and maybe it'd have been better to enjoy the last years as my generation! But again, I couldn't be attached to a single thing and couldn't be only one thing at one time... So I decided not to make any choices this time. Here's the thing, I have never been good at making choices, whatever the choice I made, at the end I was like "Oh, why did I pick this?" and whatever I pointed out to like or crave for; it has been going away or broken, and I end up not having it! Maybe that's one of the reasons, that I haven't decided about my future self? Maybe if I decide what I want to be, it'll turn out to be something I never needed to be, or I'll never be that oneself that I have wished for!Maybe this is all yet to be processed in my mind, and I'm not getting the clear picture yet, who knows! What I'm sure about is, the fine details in your daily life are the things that make the future YOU, the in-between-lines is an important part of our growing up process that we usually forget to pay attention to... they're not the big goals that you're working for! So next time, when you have 10 free minutes of your time, try to make the best of them! Either by reading few pages of a book, listening to some wise words or stopping for a moment and try to look around yourself and see what can you do to make yourself better first and then this place before you leave.
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