162

if i look back, i am lost

Love Begins
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wallacepolsom
todays bird
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@theartofmadeline
art blog(derogatory)
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roma★
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
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@jellybobby
162
“Everything seemed to go blank before me. It wasn’t an ordinary sickness. God killed me, and only after He had made me into someone entirely different from the person I had been, did he call me back to life.”
—
Dazai Osamu, The Setting Sun
“They say that people who like summer flowers die in the summer. I wonder if it’s true…I like roses best. But they bloom in all four seasons. I wonder if people who like roses best have to die four times over again.”
—
Dazai Osamu, The Setting Sun
“Bad people are to be found everywhere, but even among the worst there may be something good.”
—
Fyodor Dosoyevsky, The House of the Dead
“No man lives, can live, without having some object in view, and making efforts to attain that object. But when object there is none, and hope is entirely fled, anguish often turns a man into a monster.”
—
Fyodor Dosoyevsky, The House of the Dead
“For many are merely reading words without understanding, or understand but do not have the sincerity to put the meanings into practice.”
—
Fukuzawa Yukichi, An Encouragement of Learning
Of Dazai and the Old Boss – An Analysis Report
Wordcount: 1.374.
So ever since I started reading the manga, there was always one character I always wondered about; the Old Boss, or the boss that came before Mori. Sure he seemed like an unimportant side character in the way he’s presented, but I have reasons to believe he’s more than that.
First, let’s compile what we know about him.
1. He was ruthless even when he’s not bedridden and paranoid, as was said by Kouyou whose lover was killed because she tried to escape the Mafia with him.
And again when Tanizaki tried to kill Mori but was stopped by Kouyou, saying that if Mori died, the Mafia would return to its ‘wretched ways’. We can say with complete confidence that Mori’s way is so much ‘kinder’ than the old boss.
2. He was bedridden with illness that also made him paranoid of attacks. This is not the case before the illness strike because Hirotsu mentioned he become like that after the illness. If Mori hadn’t stopped him by slicing his throat, he would have burnt Yokohama down.
4. Wait that’s it? Yep. All we knew about him was in that episode and that chapter. But what we know about him was profound.
First let’s look at this scene:
Notice how Hirotsu mentioned Dazai specifically? Here’s the original panel for that scene:
In this, we can confidently say that Hirotsu singled out Dazai about how was the one who should’ve been most not alright with the development. The words used for it ‘Dazai –kun mo rikai suru tokoro de attarou‘ implies this. It hints that Dazai should’ve been resentful to Mori because he killed the Old Boss. But against all odds, he understood why Mori did what he did.
Then there’s this scene.
It really bothered me and when I looked deeper this is what cemented my conclusion of Dazai and the Old Boss’ connection. So as we could see in this scene, Mori killed the Old Boss and had Dazai become the sole witness. Now this premise has many problems.
1. Other than Mori, who was a doctor so obviously he was to take care of the sick, notice that Dazai was the only one in the room. Now this is strange. He was the only one who was by the Old Boss’ side, all alone in the room with the vulnerable, sick man when there’s no doctor to hover on the bedside. This in and of itself is a proof of their bond. If they weren’t well-known to have it, then all the Mafia would be suspicious to the fact that he’s accompanying the boss when he’s the most vulnerable.
On top of that he was entrusted with the Boss’ security as he was in the room with Mori who might or might not harm him (spoiler, he harmed the boss.) so he was supposed to be the one to care the most about the Old Boss’ wellbeing.
2. As we know from the light novel, Odasaku mentioned that Dazai was considered to become an Executive at 16. In this scene he was only 14 and at that point of time, he had enough sway in the Organization that he can be the sole witness to the boss’ will and everyone just—nods and go along with it, making Mori the new boss despite them should be having Five Executive that would have fought for the seat. Why?
3. In this case, Dazai cannot be adopted and raised by Mori as the fandom believed. If he was Mori’s and he became the sole witness everyone would call bull on it because he’d be perceived as Mori’s accomplice in taking out the Old Boss. They’d be executed and one of the upper echelon would take the throne themselves.
This would only work if the Port Mafia to believe that he couldn’t harm the boss and wouldn’t let harm come to him.
But what about this picture, you ask? Well, Mori did have a connection with Dazai too seing how Dazai got the coat he wore from before he was 14 to 18 from him. That’s a good 4 years wearing the same thing. I think this was actually the same case with Chuuya not appearing in the Dark Era; the plot has yet to be told to the readers and kept secret.
And then there’s the possibility that they knew each other because of Dazai’s wounds. If the Old Boss is as ruthless as Kouyou made him out to be, it won’t be far-fetched to say he’s the one resposible for Dazai’s numerous injuries and was frequently sent to Mori, the doctor, to get treatment.
Summary: the Organization needs to know Dazai well and for some reason connect him with not only being close enough to the Old Boss for it not be strange for him to be all alone in the room with him and having enough credibility that he can’t possibly lie about the Old Boss’ last will. On top of that, he needs some reason to be the one ‘most not alright with it’ in a personal sense.
So what would make this credible? What could make this work? It would be if by doing so he was giving up his rights to the throne.
Here cometh my conclusion: Dazai was the Old Boss’ son and the rightful heir to the Port Mafia. If he was one, it won’t be strange for him to have credibility as 14-year old kid claiming to be the sole witness to a boss of The Mafia’s biggest bad that made a city doctor its next Boss. More than that, it would be natural for him to spend time alone in the Boss’ bedside when he was sick and vulnerable.
No, I won’t be dropping Darth Vader’s ‘I am your father’ bomb here, despite it being extremely tempting. How many father and child bound by blood have you seen in BSD? That’s right, none. No reason to break the pattern now.
But what is prevalent? Adopting orphans. Hell, it was dropped by Odasaku in his last moment as one of Dazai’s driving force. In fact, most of the main cast are either adopted orphans or have adopted an orphan. (Fukuzawa & Ranpo, Kunikida & Rokuzo, Akutagawa/Atsushi and Dazai, need I go on?)
Here’s my verdict: Dazai was the heir to the Port Mafia because he was the Old Boss’ adopted. When the Old Boss died, everyone in the Mafia who knew about it, thought that he couldn’t possibly lie because by doing so he’d be defacing the Old Boss and giving away his rights to the throne. This gave him the ultimate credibility and thus allowing Mori to become the next King.
Most of all, this also solve the mystery of Mori’s behavior. Why drive Dazai away when he’s 18, when Mori could’ve killed him or make him go away before? He made the preparation to drive Dazai away two years beforehand when Dazai was 16, a good two years after becoming boss. The answer was because this will reveal his play to his subordinate. In the light novel Odasaku mentioned about Mori’s fearsome reputation for being ruthless and clever as hell. And this is the key; reputation.
If Mori killed Dazai before he got a secure standing in the Mafia, he would be accused to be killing the Old Boss and taking down his heir. Everyone would be on the scent of blood like sharks, especially in a place as cruel as the Mafia. So he got himself a reputation, backed by people loyal to him (Chuuya, Kouyou and, in an extent, Ace who was loyal only to money) and when he was sure that he has shown what he could and would do to the whole Mafia and the world, he cut off Dazai because he was no longer needed and now poses only threat.
By exiling the Prince, he would be able to hog the throne for himself since the older members would not be rallying behind Dazai to retake his rights. Truly a long-running plan befitting of him.
But hey, that’s just a theory. A BSD theory. Aaaand cut.
Your personality changes way too much when you´re angry
analytical person with taste: this show is bad and boring
me, who had the lowest standards ever and is entertained by everything: idk man i liked it :^)
Can I just say: if you’re “curious” about something diet/food/body/weight related and you have a history of eating disorders (or disordered eating or body dysmorphia or OCD), DO NOT do the thing. Don’t add up how many calories you ate today just because you’re “curious.” Don’t measure yourself, don’t look up some celebrity’s measurements, don’t look into macros or keto or BMI charts or ANYTHING else like that. That stuff is absolutely TOXIC and even giving in one time can turn into a habit. So please, if you care about yourself and you want to recover or just don’t want to get worse, IGNORE THE URGE!!
it’s not like i haven’t tried to.
Angelo Lagusa icons (requested)
uh oh ya dingus, looks like hatsune miku has something to say to you
The real irony of the people who make jokes about being triggered is that they tend to idolize the military/veterans as if combat related PTSD isn’t a real thing that also has triggers. Y’all make fun of the people you call hero’s when you’re making fun of the teenagers with PTSD from non-combat related issues, you can’t separate the two.
Most of the people making fun of triggers are making fun of all the bullshit “”“triggers”“”, as in the people calling a mild uncomfortable feelings triggers.
The problem with making fun of a trigger is you genuinely do not know whether they are ‘mildly uncomfortable’ or if that is a thing that is genuinely causing severe anxiety, depressive episodes, or stress responses. Most of the “““““bullshit”““““ triggers I’ve seen being made fun of are actual trauma survivors who have their trauma associated with something unusual or strange. Because the thing that triggers their PTSD or panic is odd, people, not unlike yourself, are writing them off as “whiny babies” or “triggered sjws” or call their trigger bullshit because they cannot understand the association.
For examples: Sirens are one of my triggers. When I hear sirens I get an immediate panic response. This was due to being in an active war zone as a child (The response is significantly worse if it is an air raid siren or sounds too similar to an air raid siren.). If you didn’t know I was in an active war zone though, it might seem silly to see an adult panic and attempt to get to a safe place because an ambulance, fire truck, or police car went past them.
I have a manager who is triggered by the presence of police. Specifically police, other uniforms are fine (i.e. security in the mall does not set off her panic response). Her trigger is severe, if a police officer talks to her, she starts panicking and sobbing and cannot control it. This is because when she was young, two police officers threatened her repeatedly and psychologically abused her for 6 hours while they tried to find out where her brother was (yes, this was illegal. Her parents were not home at the time, and were unaware she was alone as the brother in question was meant to be watching her). If you didn’t know that story though, it might seem silly to see an adult woman burst into tears and have a panic attack because a cop said ‘hi’ to her.
I have seen posts by an abuse survivor talking about how the sound of a garage door triggered them, due to abuse by a parent. They associated that sound with the abuser returning home and the abuse beginning. The sound became a trigger because their mind associated it to that. I saw another post by a rape survivor talking about how she was triggered by the sight of eggs because she made eggs for her rapist after he’d raped her. Her mind associated eggs with the trauma due to the two being connected at least in her mind.
Brains are weird. Trauma doesn’t make sense. The point is, YOU do not know if someone is ““““bullshitting”“““ or not. You do not know how someones trauma associated itself with something odd, which is something trauma really does all the time and making fun of trauma survivors because you don’t understand the association between their trauma and the item that triggers their ptsd or anxiety is absolutely wrong and absolutely hypocritical if you think any other form of trigger is acceptable or okay. You don’t get to decide other peoples trauma triggers. They didn’t even get to decide them, and to tell someone that you’re okay to make fun of them because what upsets them doesn’t make sense to you is absolutely not okay.
I should note too: Phobia’s are real triggers too. People have panic attacks when exposed to their phobia’s in the wrong way. I need certain pictures tagged because I am absolutely terrified of heights, which is a pretty common phobia. People can have serious phobia’s to everything and anything though, and there are things I am not afraid of that others are that may seem strange to me, but to them are very real and very frightening. Just because it seems odd to you, doesn’t mean it isn’t still real to the person experiencing it.
This post needs a zillion more notes. As a Complex PTSD sufferer I truly hope that people will someday stop policing others’ triggers and health problems as if they have a single clue.
Just BACK OFF and let people LIVE.
冒険
“Although every surgeon I’ve interviewed has insisted that he or she tailors the operation to the individual, most of the articles I’ve reviewed suggest otherwise. In my interviews I always showed a series of photographs taken from the article of a famous surgeon known for his “aggressive” management of the nasolabial fold area. All the women start out completely different, yet they all end up looking somewhat alike, now sharing an eerie surgical sisterhood.”
— Virginia L Blum, Flesh Wounds: The Culture of Cosmetic Surgery; 2003
All the before and after pictures of the white women, the after results all look like troons.