My Head is Full of Poison
a/n: just an angsty drabble to get it out of my system.
pairing: jennifer "jj" jareau/emily prentiss
summary: emily finally confronts jj about her identity.
posted on ao3 @wandaswitch
"What do you want from me, Em?"
"What do I want from you?" Emily retorts in frustration. "What I want from you is to stop pretending to be someone you aren't. That's what I want from you, JJ—enough of this. I can't pretend like you—I can't pretend like there's nothing between us. Like we're just friends. And I'm exhausted.... I'm exhausted from seeing you act as if you don't feel the way I do — as if you don't see me the way I see you—"
JJ cuts Emily off before she could continue her rampage, "That's the thing, Em!" JJ exclaims. "There's nothing between us. I don't see you as anything than a friend of mine." JJ tries to walk away, but Emily grabs her hand. JJ faces Emily, her eyes on the ground, unable to meet hers.
"Really, JJ? Are you even hearing yourself? Is it even you who's talking—"
"What do you want from me, Emily?!" JJ bites back.
"Look me in the eye and tell me you mean what you just said. Tell me that you don't mean the flowers you send to my doorstep after every draining case, the late-night calls when you couldn't sleep and only the sound of my voice can help, the times you'd make guys run away whenever they buy me drinks, telling me that I'm your star because I remind you of your favorite constellation, when I was in Paris for seven months, you practically begged to go underground with me. Tell me that none of it was real. Look me in the eye, Jennifer." Emily says in confrontation.
JJ's hands have turned into fists, shaking due to the overwhelming pressure she can't control. She looks up to Emily with vulnerability. Eyes attempting to keep the tears that will inevitably fall. "If you're so exhausted seeing me, imagine actually being me," JJ replies in defeat.
Emily pauses. Looks at JJ from head to toe, as if she's profiling her. She grabs JJ's trembling hands and rubs circles on them with her thumb. JJ falls into Emily's arms and into an embrace. A tight hug is received by Emily while she gently rubs the back of the blonde. JJ has let her walls down. Finally releasing her suppressed emotions into the arms of the girl she's been fighting the feeling of being in love with. Emily's shirt soaks JJ's tears as she hushes her to calm down.
"I—I can't, Emily. I can't say the words because then they'll be true. I'm scared of how they'll look at me. I'm afraid of everything that's going to change." the blonde speaks up in a tremble.
Emily sympathises with JJ. Growing up in a conservative and religious household, there's no doubt the blonde grew to push down all unholy thoughts.
"But... would you rather live a life that isn't real?" JJ pulls back from the embrace to look at the brunette.
"I don't know how to tell the difference between what's real and what's not," JJ replies, feeling dejected. "All my life... I feel I've lived a double life. And I thought if I could just keep these thoughts and urges down, then they wouldn't ever be real. I could live a normal and happy life."
"I can give you that," Emily says. "A normal and happy life. We can also have that together."
"It's different, Em. You know it is—" JJ gets interrupted.
"I... I know how you feel, but you will never get a happy life if not for 'different'." Emily pauses. "JJ... you and I, there's nothing wrong with us." The brunette states with gloom.
"But there is, Em. There's something wrong with me."
"What's so wrong with loving me?" Emily questions with a quivering lip, eyes darting around the room as it fills up with tears that she tries not to fall.
"I'm sick, Em." JJ pauses. "You'll never be the cure." JJ pulls away from Emily's hold and runs away, leaving a part of her heart broken and all alone.
a/n: after writing this, I really want to write more jemily angst, especially one where jj has internal homophobia lol. or one where her and emily are in a text situationship and she tells her "I wish you were a boy". if there's any suggestions, please feel free to submit! fluff or angst or anything really!!
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