I'm at an interesting point in my life. I've been living with five other transfems for almost two years now. And for the first time, I'm no longer constantly touch starved. I still crave it but it ceases to be an endless affliction. But, for most of my life until now, I was, and the memories linger.
On some level, the desire to be touched seems like it should be chaste. A long hug, pressing through clothing, or sitting next to someone should almost count. But I found skin to skin contact a particular fascination. Yearning hours spent imagining hands running along the skin. A tingling along the chest as imagined fingers play. The rush of imagined lips against a neck. Even if the physical sensations aren't real, the emotions may be.
As far as desires go, touch starvation feels like a stackable status effect to me. Stacking on the longer it lasts. Stacking on the more you yearn. Stacking on the further you imagine. I've talked before about the defiling quality that touch may take. If the desire to be touched is a fixation, then when one starves for it, in what other directions can fantasies go? Unintimate contact alone is insufficient.
I think it's a little hard to get lost fantasizing about a hug. It's too limited. It's easier to get lost fantasizing about being blindfolded or bound or tranced while one or two or more partners touch or grab or grope your body. Easier to get lost fantasizing about someone feeling you up and commenting on each section of you like cuts of meat. To get lost fantasizing about the lingering mark of a hand imprinted upon your skin by a slap.
To visualize the fingers pressed against your skin one by one. How they might lightly sink in or be forced in. Where they touched, they might feel only soft tissue that warps to the sides under their fingers, while you feel fingers reaching deep within you. Or they might find the tissue holds firm as they reach veins or bones, as you feel them touch your very framework. I like the feeling of fingers pressing in and exploring. Running along your body and seeing what can be found beneath. I think it makes the touch more intimate when it begins to pierce your outermost layers.
In your fantasies, your consent is a non-factor; new ideas coalesce. If the idea is to be defiled, well your personhood was always in question wasn't it? Maybe you're the kind of thing that touch is simply less intimate for. Maybe you're the kind of thing that deserves to be touched against its will. Maybe you're the kind of thing that can't consent anyway. And then you can fantasize of public more easily. Why wouldn't it be allowed that anyone touch you whenever and wherever they want? Friend or stranger becomes irrelevant. You need it more than you need water, so of course you need it more than you need privacy.
Thus. Clothes thrust aside by wandering hands. Multiple pairs working together to explore you. Waking up to feeling yourself in new positions. Being put to sleep by hands around your throat. Fingers exploring your insides as well. Do you really need to talk more than they need access to your mouth, anyway? As other hands explore your lower regions. It's not really sex if it's you, is it? Is it strange to fantasize about such things? Sometimes emotions lack logical compatibility, but they still exist. And at the end of the day, if they break upon each other, the one more deeply felt wins.
And what could compete with it? Hands groping and grabbing at you from all sides just to mindlessly enjoy the sensation. Pulling and prodding and seeing what's enough to make you resist. Fingering and pressing and discovering that the concept of resistance doesn't exist for subjects like you. The truth runs deeper than any of the fingers that press against and inside you can reach from any point. It's not so much about achieving a release as it is about desperately and endlessly yearning. Yearning for more, for deeper, for closer, for longer. To be defiled, to be remade, to be mapped, to be found. It's almost mouthwatering.
On some abstract level, I enjoyed the fantasies that touch starvation gifted me. I hope you can enjoy mine, too.
