Haha. Sometimes I think about this statement, how many times I’ve heard it so far in my existence. I think it started around high school time whenever I wouldn’t get the grade I wanted when I had worked so hard and studied...
“Life isn’t fair but you gotta just keep going!” My mom would say.
I keep repeating this phrase to myself because I used to think getting a job was the hardest thing eVER. From graduating early, it took me awhile to find something stable. Which is normal and fine right?
Well now I’m at that stage of finding another job and it’s just as difficult as before! Even with experience! What is going on. IDK. AHH...
What am I doing? Where will I go? Who am I?
-normal questions asked to a millennial living in the 21st century. Lol.
“We’re exclusively dating now,” my roommate says with a small smile.
To my coworker, that wasn’t DTR (defining the relationship), there was no label. To her coworkers, that pretty much boyfriend/girlfriend and to her family girl friends, they just said “keep your distance” and “no tears, please”.
And to me? Well to me, it meant exclusive and on the path to having the label.
“I’m like not his girl”
Technically she was right. She wasn’t his “girlfriend” or whatever label you want to put on it. It’s the middle of 2018, times are a changing, faster than anyone can comprehend.
I checked Facebook today and saw someone a year younger than me get engaged. My boss is 10 years older than me and just recently got into a relationship. The divorce rate is 50% (as my dad would 200% joke around with my mom... “Honey did you know the divorce rate is 50%? That means one of us is going to get a divorce!” with a smug smile on his face resulting in my mom’s face full of disapproval), college is all about the ‘hook up’ culture and dating apps make accessing strangers a little too easy.
What does this all mean?
As a 23-year-old woman living in Los Angeles, I could honestly say I have no idea!
My roommate likes to tell me about her single ‘boy stories’ or sexcapades as we like to call them (lol). She’s been single for a little over a year now and I’ve been living with her for the past 6 months. It’s come to the point where I only listen because there’s no point in giving advice, she’s grown, she’ll do what she wants with who she wants. As long as she’s happy, I’m happy!
PS. the past 3 hours i’ve been hearing her giggle on the other side of our shared wall #cool #hahaugh
You glance back real quick but accept it because you’re the one who got yourself into this mess.
You keep walking down the pitch black hallway, with your hands out on either side of you, slightly brushing the walls to guide you.
Where are you going? Where are you walking too? You have no idea.
You get to the end, you see a shadow in a mirror, but it’s so dark, you have no idea what it is. The shadow gets bigger and bigger and bigger... Closer, and closer, and closer...
Fuck! You scream inside your head. You gotta get out of there, quick and FAST!
You can’t seem to stop walking towards the mirror. This shadow is growing and extremely slowly, which creeps you out even more. You’re scared shitless and have nowhere to hide, no where to go, no where to be safe. The walls which were once on the edge of your fingers now grow closer, your palms are flat on them, and now your elbows touch them, you’re getting claustrophobic.
“Somebody! Please! Help me!” You scream at the top of your lungs.
You feel your body involuntarily go into the fetal position, squished between the two walls as the shadow grows bigger and BIGGER...
The lights turn on and all of a sudden the walls stop. and you see yourself staring at yourself in the mirror.
What is even going on right now??
---
That’s what it’s like. You start with one thought, one minuscule thought that didn’t even mean anything, maybe someone commented on your clothes, you got major fomo from looking on social media, your friend said no to a hang out invitation you initiated, whatever it was.. it was really nothing.
And then you started spiraling
Nobody likes me. I’m fat. I’m ugly. Everybody thinks I’m so weird. No one wants to talk to me, I try so hard. I keep messing up, no matter what I do. I’m a failure.
WHY. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF? FALL DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE OF DESPAIR, MISERY, SADNESS, ANGER, FRUSTRATION ETC.
It’s not worth it. Don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness except for YOU. You are all you should need. It’s you against the world since day one until the day you die. It’ll be you who does everything you do. It’ll be all you. Whatever you do, do it proudly, do it confidently and do it no matter what.
when Jim would see Mary, he would get butterflies in his stomach
when Mary would see Jim, she would get butterflies in her stomach
the feeling was mutual - an attraction that consumed both their bodies and minds and thoughts and emotions and everything, nothing else mattered in the world except for the two of them. when they were with each other, it was everything. when they were apart, they were devastated, but eventually learned how to live their lives apart.
their relationship began in high school, senior year. everyone doubted they would last because what does during that time? senior year, right before college, a big part of a person’s life. but they got together because they felt it was the right thing to do. they wanted to get together because they both knew they had wanted too during high school but hesitated because they were such good friends.
they met freshmen year in history class. they sat next to each other. they small talked then studied together then got to know one another then became best friends. they found their own friends but always had each others back for everything and anything. so when they both entered senior year, they knew it was the right time.
he asked her to winter formal, the first dance he asked her too because in the past, they had both gone with other people. she said yes. she picked out a nice dress, he rented a suit and tie. they took pictures and a few laughs and a good time that night. at the end of it, he took her outside and decided to tell her something important.
he wanted her to be his girlfriend, to be his and his only. “who cares about what may happen a year from now, five years from now, but all i know is at this moment, i want you. this whole time we’ve been friends, i knew you were the girl i had to be with and i want you to know that. will you be mine?”
she smiled and screamed YES to him because she felt the exact thing.
fast forward to freshman year of college - they’re miles apart, the first time this has happened to the both of them. but they agreed to stick it through because they knew they were meant for each other. the late night phone calls, skype sessions, letters, random packages, and surprise visits consumed their first year. they couldn’t get enough of each other. but they were both conscious of still making friends at their respective schools
so they went out, they joined organizations and clubs and met people. freshman year was a difficult year for the relationship because of the drastic change, but christmas and finally summer break came and they were reunited in their hometown and spent as much time as they could with each other, around their respective family and work schedules.
sophomore year wasn’t as difficult or time consuming as freshman year. he joined a club sports team and business fraternity, she joined a sorority and engineering society, both consumed their time with different activities of the things they loved, but still made time for each other and reassured each other the other person would always be there.
there were ups and downs. his grandfather passed away during thanksgiving break, her parents were going through trouble after spring break, his pledging schedule interfered with the time all her friends were causing drama and picking on her, her sorority made him feel bad from all the date nights and exchanges.
but they stuck it through and it became summer break all over again. this time, she found an internship at a law firm, and he found an internship at an accounting firm. they fit time on the weekends to spend time together but again, around family and friend time. it was the most difficult summer of their relationship but they both knew it was worth it.
each time they saw each other, from months or weeks of not seeing each other, the butterfly feeling was still there. still there from day one when he asked her to be his.
fast forward to today. they’re both starting their senior year of college and who knows what will happen. he has a job waiting for him at a big 4 accounting firm and she’s currently worrying about when to take the LSAT and looking into law schools. they just celebrated their 4 year anniversary last month and things are definitely different. different how?
they’re both older now and wiser and more mature and more knowing of the other person. the one thing that stayed the same was the butterflies. that feeling has never gone away. they both know the other person is the person for them. wherever they end up, wherever they both go, they’ll be together until the very end because that’s what true love is.
I've seen way too many of them today, along the pathway that outskirts school. The view is nice - the city, the beach, the highway, the apartments, the hills, the clouds, the sky all in one.
I hadn't taken this path yet, it's my place and walk way to think. Five minutes of pure thoughts, music blasting, eyes wandering, thoughts exploding. I pass strangers with each step.
And I see it.
Cancer sticks.
Loosely held in one hand (usually the right), just there.
It completes the outfit though - black booties, black jeggings, a loose cream shirt with some unknown design, a gold chain or necklace, stacks of bracelets on one or both arms, rings to compliment the bracelets, nail polish dark maroon or black, nails long of course, a loose sweater around the waist, occasionally topped with a small hat or beanie.
Cancer sticks.
"It completes the outfit"
What a shitty excuse to breathe and omit such toxins into the air.
I don't care if I don't know you but imagine your future...
You'll be spreading this to your kids. Your fucking kids.
Better stop soon or chances of them coming into this world a healthy kid decreases significantly, the chances of them growing up a healthy kid decreases significantly, the chances of them picking up the nasty habit increases significantly.
I'm sure you want to grow old to see your kids grow old and their kids to grow old but how is that even going to happen if the chances of you getting cancer, or other unavoidable illnesses from this habit are pretty much certain?
Don't do it for me, don't do it for yourself, but do it for your kids. Seriously.
"I guess I’ll have my whole life for it to have meaning, but for now, it’s really not as meaningful as you think"
This should’ve been the sign. The warning sign, the flashing signal, the sign to leave. This was it. This was fucking it.
But no, she was blinded. By Him.
Why? What made Him so different? Boys will be boys, and at the end of the day, they’re all the same. Are they though…really?
They way they met was different. Their conversations from the beginning were different. Cheesy (but true) words were exchanged from the get go, late night Skyping sessions began after only a couple of weeks, the want to spend time together was exponentially multiplied as each day of distance continued.
And each time they met, sparks flew. There was always an abundance of laughter, tickling, hugging, kissing. Nothing else mattered besides the each of them. She fell for Him fast - she wanted to be with Him as much as anyone could want to be with someone. Everything, her mind and soul and body wanted to be with Him.
And He wanted to be with her. Fast. As much as anyone could want to be with someone. So He asked her to be His, officially, label, feelings, actions, everything.
But she said no.
Why? Didn’t she want him too? She did, she really did but she had been with someone, too recently. She didn’t want people to talk, she didn’t think the timing was polite, she didn’t want to feel rushed. She was the one who broke his heart, but still felt bad. And she never told Him the entirety of the past. This eventually led to issues, this sense of being closed off, no room to be explicit, and ultimately, miscommunication.
She was protecting her heart.
This turned out to be a good thing, looking back.
Why?
Because the warning sign said it all. It was her key to leave. But she didn’t. She stayed, despite no label, no officialness. Because in her heart, it was official. She acted the same after saying no, the butterflies, sparks and laughs were still all there.
But for him, things began to change. Time passed after He asked for officialness and gave her the warning sign. His feelings changed and realized she wasn’t the one for him.
He realized this but didn’t say anything. This not saying anything led to continued butterflies, sparks and laughs from her, and ultimately, it being meaningless. To Him anyway.
But not to her. How could anything like that be meaningless? It was the only thing in life she believed that had any meaning at all. The butterflies, sparks and laughs amplified after, as expected.
But He still didn’t say anything about his feelings.
Eventually He had to tell her how He felt once she asked for officialness for the fifth time.
"Let’s just be friends"
There was the sign early on. The warning sign, the flashing signal, the sign to leave. There was one. There fucking was one.
-
Two weeks passed and He made a different girl His, label and everything. She was known for no meaning. She was known. And so was He. It was a perfect unity of meaningless sex, something she couldn’t and will not ever be a part of.
As I glanced around, I was surrounded by innocence, beauty and serenity. To the young girl left diagonal, putting stickers from her sticker book on her face. To the little boy right diagonal, wearing a free In N Out white paper hat and playing slide with his older sister. To the grandma sitting in between them, calmly staring into the distance with eyes and posture so peaceful, it would make anyone smile and silently fall asleep beside her. To the loud family of cousins in their late 20s next to me, speaking in a language I've never heard before in my life, each laughing and smiling so loudly it would be considered 'outside voices' to the young children. To the sunset out the window, the white fin of the plane peeking out from the window sill. The greenery and runway gave an aurora of beauty, but the destination was going to eliminate all of this.
As she took off her make up, she didn't know what she needed to prove and who for.
The foundation, coat after coat, the hand wipe getting heavy with cream colored powder and liquid.
What was the point? Whose attention did she need? Whose attention did she truly even want?
The eye liner, the eye shadow, overlapping the cream colored powder and liquid with a darker shade of brown and black.
Was it for her mother? To prove that she was actually descent looking. Was it to capture boys' attention? To prove to society that she can even get average looking boys to like her. It definitely wasn't for herself. Why else would she wear so much to begin with anyway?
The lipstick, mixing in with the blacks and browns, smearing off just like paint. It reminded her of how easily it came off on everything - coffee cups, mugs, the last boy's lips she had kissed... it was easily taken off yet took an exponential amount of time to apply on.
What more was there to take off? With each wipe came a new insecurity and self conscious feature about herself. Her uneven eyebrows, an appointment at the waxing place was long overdue. Her crooked nose, she had fell on her face when she was younger so a scar had formed halfway through, making it look uneven. Her bumpy skin, luckily to her dismay, her parents had incredibly bad skin when they were younger so this feature of genes was so pleasantly passed onto her - red spots of new ones and scars of old ones scattered everywhere. Her outty chin, something rare but unique, her chin sticking out in a way most peoples did not.
There were three people who had told her she was beautiful. Her mother, her grandmother and her past boyfriend. Two of them were obligated too, and two of them did it out of either pity or guilt - she couldn't figure out who fell into which category.
She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. Smiled because it had been a good day. Smiled because she didn't get those very often. Smiled because it had happened and it was great. Smiled because she was looking at herself. Smiled because she knew she was the only person in the world who had those exact features in that exact placement. Smiled because, well, just because. Why not?
In that moment, she smiled because no matter what anyone said about her, she didn't care.
She didn't care of her mother was constantly reminding her she had gained weight. She didn't care she actually had gained weight since the last time she was home. She didn't care if her past boyfriend kept calling her beautiful to lure her back into his bed. She didn't care she had to keep saying no until he got the message. She didn't care the world had set a standard for what beauty was supposed to be like - stick thin, perfect features and a flawless smile, and that she was nothing in these categories. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and she was the beholder for that one second she was looking at herself.
With the toss of the hand wipe that had wiped away what seemed to be her overall confidence and freedom, actually had wiped away the materialism and standards of society. It made a thud when it reached the trash can.
She stared at herself, her pure and raw self, and for that second, told herself she was beautiful. And for the first time in her life, believed it.
he sat down with the utter most confidence, “a 2 on the sides, 4 on top please” he said as the haircut lady wrapped his neck in the thin white paper and gracefully placed the bib around him. snip snip away. hair pieces fell to the floor.
at first it was awkward, it was quiet, none of them knew what to say. then he asked about her day and she replied simply, “it was fine” and proceeded to talk about her nephew, her sister’s kid, who was turning 5 in a couple of days and she wasn’t sure what to get him. the way she talked about him was the way any kid should be talked about - he was the stars of her sky, the wood to her fire, her everything. she couldn’t stop talking about him and he wondered when she would stop. her shy smile concluded her story and continued to cut his hair. his hair was the longest she had seen in her time. she then asked,
"how about you? do you have a wife? kids?"
it was the question of all questions. he simply said, “no. no wife, no kids.” which was the biggest lie he had ever told anyone. he had a wife at some point, he had had kids, two in fact, but he didn’t want to say anything because he knew it would all pour out like a waterfall, and to a complete stranger too. how rude would that be. no one wants to listen to my story, he thought. he hated coming off as the victim, and absolutely hated when people felt sorry or bad for him. he needed people to think he was fine about it. he needed people to think he was going to be okay. he needed people to think his life was great. he had everything he had every wanted - he worked hard, he made money, he was independent, he had food for every meal, he went to bed every night happy, he knew he was living a good life. but the two things missing, the two tipping points, the two things that made all the hours he worked, the money he made, the food he ate, and the dreams he dreamt tainted, were his wife and his kids.
but today was different.
she had left him. for another man. just like that. just. like. that. everything happened so quickly, he didn’t have time to even blink.
he knew things weren’t going well - they were arguing over petty things almost every day, once the kids were asleep. but they kept their voices quiet to make sure they would still get a good night’s sleep. he didn’t even know what had happened. the woman he fell in love with, the one who found such joy and happiness in everything in the world, the one who’s smile lit up what seemed to be the entire universe, the one who’s goals and aspirations were so great and ambitious, he wanted nothing but for her to not achieve them so she would always have them, these goals. he loved that about her - she was always so motivated and dedicated to whatever she decided to be into. her education, her career, her hobbies, her children. she did everything so full-heartedly, he had known no one else as dedicated as her.
that’s why he didn’t know what had happened. everything was great. the wedding, the marriage, the time spent together, the birth of his two children. so what had happened? it was as if all that was great but had happened too fast, and then he found himself in the living room quietly arguing with her over nothing, and once that was over, going into the basement to sneak a drink in, before he headed to bed. he’d get into bed, and glance over to her. her back was always to him. he hated that. it made him feel unwanted, unneeded, and more lonely than if he was alone and with no one. and she knew this. she absolutely knew this.
one day when he came home, he saw his bottle of whiskey he kept in the basement on the kitchen counter. it wasn’t him - he would never do that and let the kids see. would she? he ran upstairs to hear drawers getting slammed. he opened his room door to see her packing. she was emptying her drawers of clothes into her luggage. hurriedly, so fast and messy, in a way he had never seen her behave before. “what are you doing?! what is going on!?” he screamed at the top of his lungs as he lunged to stop her. she fought him off and looked at him with a face of the most desperation, lost hope, confusion and anger he had ever seen in his entire life.
"i need to leave. get out of this place. get out of this house. now. i can’t breathe anymore. i don’t know what’s going on, but please, if you still love me, you’ll let me do this."
he let go of her arm. he was shocked, he was stunned, he was so very confused. he had a million thoughts swarming around in his head, they were clouding his head, his brain, his vocal chords. he didn’t know what to say. he had no idea, no clue. of course he still loved her. she was the love of his life. she was his everything. but how dare she pull the reverse psychology card to allow her to leave. who does that? who fucking does that? he stood where he was and then dropped to the floor, onto his knees.
it took her 30 minutes to finish packing, while he stayed in the one spot, stunned. he quickly fell to the floor after and was on his back, staring up at the ceiling. while she was packing, he heard her crying. she was sniffling and covering her sniffles with her hand - he knew she hated it when people knew when she was crying. he knew this. and he didn’t help her. he didn’t hug her. he didn’t do anything because she knew she would push him away. so after she was done, she dragged the luggage downstairs, swiped the keys to the car, and left. the door was gracefully shut (she hated when people slammed doors) and once he heard that sound, he lost it.
he sprang up from the floor and screamed. he ran downstairs and drank the the half a bottle of whiskey left. he chugged it. it tasted horrible. it tasted like poison. but he didn’t care. he didn’t care if he died right then and there, he wanted too actually. but he didn’t. he drank as much as he could, emptied the bottle and slammed it against the kitchen counter. it cracked in half, shards went flying all over the kitchen floor while the rest was still intact. it was so sharp, so pointy, so dangerous - just what he wanted. every inch of his body shook while he held it up to eye level. he wanted to end things. how easy would things be if he just did it. he’d just have to slam the bottle against his head. or his arm. or to his heart. his heart would’ve been great, the place that hurt the very most.
but he didn’t. he thought of his kids. what would they do without both their parents? nothing. they were still young so they’d each be put into foster homes. whether together or not, who knew. he couldn’t risk that. his kids were his everything as well. his whole body sighed and he placed the half bottle onto the counter. he saw the glass pieces everywhere so left and got the broom and sweeper from the garage and proceeded to clean up the mess he had made.
—-
it was a couple of months later, the first night he went out for a drink with his buddies, he found out she was with someone else. one of them saw her at the mall, shopping, with another man, hand in hand. and she looked happy. she was smiling, laughing and playfully touching him on his arm.
this left him with pain and happiness, two feelings all jumbled up in one. what was he supposed to do now, now that his wife had left him and had finally found someone else? what was he supposed to tell his kids? what did his friends think of his life? what would he tell his parents? what was supposed to happen now? he didn’t know. when he got home, he slumped up to his bedroom like every other night, (since he had already gotten drinks, he didn’t go down to the basement) and plopped onto his bed, exhausted from the day’s work and emotional roller coaster ride.
the one thing he hadn’t asked was when his friend saw her, he assumed it was recently. but no. it wasn’t. it was a few days after she had left him. but none of his friends knew exactly when she left him. he never told them. he told them only after a couple of weeks, when he knew he wouldn’t start crying or punch someone while telling them. the next night he asked his friend when he saw her and that’s when he told him when.
so she left. she left him. for another man. just like that.
the thought of that consumed him. it consumed him at work, at home, at night. nothing helped. not even the sight of his kids - he couldn’t stand them because they looked too much like her. the only comfort he found was his whiskey. one night, he bought another bottle, just like many nights, but this time was different. he went home, opened it just like many other nights, and poured himself a glass. except this time he didn’t stop. it was like the day she had left him, except worse. he didn’t stop. he knew what he was doing. what was going to happen. but he didn’t stop. his vision was so blurry, his hand was shaking so much, but it didn’t matter. he didn’t stop. he tossed the glass cup away from him and started chugging. he chugged until he could no more. he choked on his drink, his spit, his sadness, and this time, he stopped. everything stopped. his body fell out of his chair, sprawled out onto the floor, and the last thing he saw was the leg of his desk, and the pink faint outline of his kid’s sock beyond that.
his funeral was on a friday. his kids came, his friends came, the minister who led his wedding led the funeral. it was a nice quiet ceremony, it wasn’t raining. everyone was there… except for her. she couldn’t go. she knew it was her fault. her fucking fault.
—-
so she left. she left him. for another man. just like that.
just like that. written down, it was so much easier to cope with than if he constantly thought about it. so he wrote it down in a journal. his thoughts, his feelings, his day, his schedule, his everything. he started new hobbies, things he always wanted to do but never had the chance because a different, married life had consumed his time. he got a gym pass because why not. he signed up for a cooking class because why not. he went sky diving because why not. he took his kids on a road trip to the national park, two hours away because why not. he bought a nice camera and started taking pictures of everything because why not.
he started running one mile, which turned to two, which turned to three, a day and lifted weights. first light ones, then added pounds with each passing week. his weekly cooking class, he wrote down all the recipes he was making and experimented with them at home with his kids. at sky diving, he went with his friends and bought the video to look at later, a reminder of a fun time with good company. he took the nice camera on the road trip with his kids and snapped pictures of them two smiling really big, to him, to his friends, to the world.
soon after the road trip, he signed papers and went to court and just like the day she left, she took the kids. the court ruled in her favor. because they were still young, they both went to her. he returned home an empty man.
it hurt, but not as much as the day she left him. and he knew this was coming. he knew she would take them. he had an intuition as she was packing her things. it was only a matter of time she would come back to make it official and take them away. so she did. she finally did it.
what was life now without them? what was his worth on the earth without them? what was the point?
the next day he was promoted to senior manager by his company. that was great news. he faked a smile to his boss and firmly shook his hand. he didn’t even have time to be sad about losing his kids to her because the next day, a million more projects were thrown at him, people began asking him for his advice on certain decisions and calls were lined up back to back on his phone. so he became busy. he still used his gym pass, was running 5 miles every single day, was still taking pictures of beautiful things and people he would see, and cooked a different meal every single night.
time passed and he traveled. around the state, around the country, around the world. he had no reason to stay where he was so he asked his boss if he could take the travel option of his position. become an expatriate in different countries. his boss said yes. so he traveled to places like mexico, korea, germany, france, japan, brazil, peru. he grew out his hair. for every country he visited, he would measure his hair and grow it out longer. he met new people, made friends, enemies and experienced new cultures. once this became old for him, he decided to return back home.
he got home with a single letter at his door step - from one of his kids a few states away. he opened it and it was both of them asking to meet up with him. it had been more than a few years and how they remembered his address, he didn’t know. they were so young when they left. he got inside and proceeded to write them a letter back. he rushed to the mail box and put it in.
a few days passed, he had checked his mail box every day and found his letter, returned to him because the address was void. he walked into the house and realized he was done. he was done with his wife, his kids and trying at something with no return. it had taken him more than a few years to realize this. so he went inside and took a shower.
the first thing he was going to do to solidify this closure from the past was get a haircut. he had heard there was a nice haircut lady there, after all.
