Blog of Jessica L. Irwin

Just another small town girl parading around a concrete jungle. Addicted to travel, international news, public relations/ marketing, yoga, healthy living, and trance music. Being close-minded doesn't exist in my world. Ever changing, constantly evolving.

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Guns

Something has been on my mind lately and I felt the need to write it out. 

As many who are close to me know, I am very politically informed. However, I don’t openly state my opinions, because I tend to always live by the rule: “no one person is right.” I think everyone is entitled to an opinion, yet, some people don’t tend to share my same sentiment. So I keep quiet. Just out of both respect for the other person, but also respect for my own carefully crafted ideas. 

I believe politics is a necessary evil that helps create order but can destroy homes. 

For the first time in my life, I don’t have a strong affiliation with a particular hot topic that has been plaguing the United States. To set the story - I think I should delve into my personal experience with guns and how I’ve truly seen both sides. 

Growing up, every single person in my family had a gun in the home. Including the home I grew up in. My grandfathers on both my mother and father’s side carried weapons from serving time in the military. My mother’s father particularly would have guns for hunting purposes as well. Never once in my 27 years of existence did I feel threatened, scared, or worried about this hunk of metal that lived in our family safe’s. I knew of it’s existence, but my family’s took great care in hiding the guns out of sight. In fact, till this day, I still have never seen these guns. But I know where they are and I know they exist. 

I should also preface that my parents hated guns. We only had one in the house due to the pressure from their families to have one for safety purposes. My dad especially hated the thing so much, he actually turned it into the police and had it destroyed a few years back. 

Now speeding up to the present. This past Friday something changed in me. I felt something for the first time that I have never felt in my life.  Whenever I see tragedy around the world, I always hurt. I’m an extremely empathetic person and have always hated hearing of mass shootings either domestically or abroad. This includes countries that experience violence more regularly. But still, the thought of threat never occurred in my mind. I only felt pain for the families and friends effected by tragedy. 

I work in entertainment. I have run, at this point, hundred’s of meet and greet’s either for major brands or major talent. I could run a meet and greet with my eye’s closed. When I read about the horrors around Christina Grimmie’s death, I felt for the first time fear. I have worked with Christina before, she was an active member in the YouTube community and a huge part of this digital phenomenon that I’ve been apart of since it’s conception. I’ve run so many similar meet and greet’s (like the one she was shot at) that I could perfectly picture exactly what happened that night. I felt the hair’s stand up on my neck as I began listing out in my head all of future precautions I need to take in my job. I felt a threat to the very thing I make money doing to sustain my life. 

Bottom line: I could have been there. That could have been one of my meet and greet’s. And I could have easily been Christina. 

The last few days have had me in a fury and the tragedy that happened the next night in Orlando definitely didn’t ease my mind. 

Again. I’ve lived in West Hollywood. Attended many Pride activities.  Danced in many gay bars. And that could have just as well been me with one of my many LGTBQ friends. 

I’ve found myself at a loss for words. Have I always believed in gun reform? Of course. Do I understand that in order to make this happen it requires changing the 2nd amendment of the Constitution? Yes. I do. 

I just don’t know how to make this better. I don’t know how many more situations it will take before something changes. Anything. I also know that this fight is a fight that requires strength because whenever you challenge a Constitutional amendment, you’re fighting against the very foundations that our country has been founded on. Not many politicians can handle that. 

All I can do is continue to read and hopefully one day have a particular feeling. For now, I’ll stay cautious, alert, and prepared for the next tragedy to strike. 

-J

[jessicalirwin-blog]

The Journey

First and foremost, this is one of the hardest things I have ever written. Putting myself out there and evoking any idea of vulnerability is not something I like to do. However, I think I need to write this to finally close a long chapter that has been plaguing my life since 2013. 

I’d like to start off and say Depression is real. It’s a real, life sucking experience that takes good people and makes them into monsters both internally and externally. Before I can dive into my learnings, I should probably set up a timeline as to what got me to this point in the first place. 

My journey began in early 2013. The easiest way to explain this time period is that my sister just snapped. I was living 3 hours away at the time, so I felt powerless. I couldn’t bear hearing that someone I loved so much was hurting so bad. Phone call, after phone call, news was never better. One day she runs off, the other day she calls the police on my parents, the next she’s in a 51-50 hold. Everyday, I woke up thinking this was the day my parents would deliver the news that my sister had finally committed suicide. Every time “home” would come up on my cell phone, I would get this deep seeded feeling in my gut. 

Then in October 2013 -- my grandpa has a stroke. He was my hero. He was always there for me and suddenly, he wasn’t waking up. I was outside a bar watching a football game when my dad called. I remember sobbing uncontrollably and thinking this couldn’t be happening. I’m dreaming, this isn’t real. Luckily, he wakes up. However, he never is the same. This was the last time I cried.

In January of 2014 -- my boyfriend of 4 years tells me he wants to move to Florida for a year. I never envisioned myself in a long distance relationship but I put this in the back of my head and let it fester for 5 months. From January to June, we go through some of the worst times of our relationship because of this.

In June of 2014 -- my grandpa passes away. The weekend before the funeral, my boyfriend makes the trek across the country to leave for a year. 

Thus begins the time I turn my emotions off. The rest of the summer is a blur. I couldn’t cry, couldn’t really laugh, couldn’t really feel anything. I went through the motions and began a pretty awful downward cycle. I cut off my friends, lots of my family, and stopped doing things I loved such as going to the gym, or riding my bike. I began drinking upwards to 3-4 bottles of wine a week in my apartment alone just because it felt better then actually being alone.

In October of 2014 -- my “friend” whom I had helped in a time of need, showed her true colors. Though always supportive of her decisions, I think this person felt it was okay to take advantage of me. I can’t really blame her, I had let her do this to me for two years up until this point. She was my roommate at the time and she decided it best to move out to restart her life. I totally understood, but when I had a new person moving in and no longer could accommodate her, she felt it was still okay to do what she wanted, despite all parties involved. 

In a way I feel like I should thank her, because had she not thrown me against a wall and forced me to feel, I may not be here today. Rage and anger are powerful emotions, and up until that point I had felt none. Suddenly, I felt something and at the time I didn’t see it, but this was a huge turning point for me. 

I started therapy and it was the first time I felt like I actually needed help. So,  as I began going to therapy to talk all this through, work became increasingly busy at this time. I had a Band-Aid for a couple months, before things began to change for real.

In January of 2015 is where everything changes.

In the middle of the month I felt empty, alone, numb. I couldn’t figure out why I felt like something was missing so hard in my life. Work was great, I had good friends, my boyfriend and I had made it halfway through our year long LDR, so why was I so empty?

So I booked a trip to Amsterdam on a whim to go see a friend and one week later, I gave my one month notice at my job. 

At the time, I thought I was sick of my stressful work life. I was angry at my progress, I wasn’t getting credit for things, people were taking my well deserved spots, I mean we’d be here all day with the millions of thoughts I had. 

Then in February 2015 -- the emotion switch came back on. 

The rest of a blur. I cried, I laughed, I felt guilt, anger, resentment. It all came flooding into my life so rapidly. But the point was that I was feeling. I felt, a lot. Even though there were nights of extreme pain, I’m so thankful that February happened. 

In March 2015 -- I went on a month long backpacking trip through Europe. Obviously it was life changing, but I think in different ways then most people think. I think I learned to appreciate my time more. After three years of pain mixed with an extremely stressful job, it was nice just to get out of the confines of my world and appreciate things I hadn’t been appreciating. It gave me time to process all these new emotions in my head and help sort out the source of my pain.

When I got back was when the real healing process began. 

I spent a month traveling around and spending extended time with the people who have stuck with me. My family, my oldest friends, and even booked a trip to Florida to spend some extended time with my boyfriend. I still had emotions to sort out -- so this gave me some time to get through these last remaining thoughts.

In current times, life is beginning to turn around. Fast forwarding to now, I’ve got a new job that thus far seems great, I’m making a conscious effort to re-connect with people I lost touch with over the last few years, I’m embracing the things that I love again, and theres less then a month left till my boyfriend comes home for good. 

I still have a long ways to go, but I feel happy. Not the fake happiness I was filling myself to make myself think I was ok, but actual genuine happiness. I can actually move on.

 I’m hopeful for a bright future and as I begin a new road, I’ve learned:

-You need to take care yourself.

-It’s okay to feel pain and not be happy all the time. Life is hard and it’s okay to not be okay all the time.

-You need to take TIME for yourself. This one has becoming increasingly difficult in this day and age, but has helped me more then anything in this process. It wasn’t just the vacation, but it was the fact I was carving enough time to really re-connect with my inner self. 

Here’s to May 2015, the future, and life. Just know you’re never alone and that there’s always someone out there that feels you too. 

--Jess

[jessicalirwin-blog]

Two Years

Wow. It's been a long time since I've been on my Tumblr page. 

It's weird how things randomly pop up back in your life. I created this Tumblr page many years ago to sort of make sense of the nonsense in my head and somehow, this blog finds itself back into my life when I need it most. 

I've come so far from my last post. When I was actively posting, I was going through a really weird period in my life. I was fresh out of college, scared to death of what the future held, and unsure of the purpose I was serving. I pretty much packed up my car and left my hometown within two days, so I didn't really get a chance to process this big decision. I suddenly was a REALLY small fish in a huge pond after being a decently sized fish in a small pond. I was terrified that I had made a huge mistake and I just felt alone. 

Well, in the two years since I've posted, I've lived a little and this what it's taught me:

1. Packing up and moving to this big city was the best decision I ever made. I've learned so much about myself; the good, the bad, and even the ugly. But you know what? I survived to tell the story. It wasn't the safest route, but the bumpy ride was worth it in the end. I've seen/done so many things I never in my wildest dreams imagined I'd be able to do. All because I took the road less traveled. I know this isn't always the best outcome, it just really worked out for me.

2. I grew a backbone. My first job was horrendous to say the least. I was treated like dirt, was told I'd never make it, and was constantly reminded that I contained no skill/talent worth investing in. So instead of staying in this "abusive relationship" as I like to call it, I left. I walked away and never looked back. Was this scary? Of course. Did I have a lot to risk? Not necessarily. However, karma came back and awarded me the greatest gift and that's my current job now.

3.  I discovered my worth. I knew I meant more then just what people had always told me my whole life. When my grandpa passed in June, I felt so numb. I was so lost and this life change was so hard to process, that it actually took till October for me to seek therapy. I wrote the euology for his funeral and while speaking at the service, I realized how many people my grandpa had touched. My whole life, I was told this, but it was so real when I was up at that podium. He had such a special and personal relationship with so many people, that I knew at that moment that I wanted to live my life to make that sort of impact too. The first step was knowing my worth and that took awhile to find. In this life, people are going to try so hard to tell you who you are. However, they are only as powerful as you let them be. You can be anything, anyone, anytime, you just have to believe in yourself. The second you give up or try to be something you're not, it's equivilent to cheating in a race. It's never going to end up in your favor. 

4. I worked hard and didn't give up. Cliche, I know. But it's true. I've seen so many people (talented, smart and hardworking people), just cower at the first sign of difficulty. It kills me inside. I feel like I've given the same speech over and over and over again, and I've come to realize that some people just don't want your help. You will NEVER get anywhere giving up every time things get hard. Even when life knocks you off your feet, you just gotta dust yourself off and try again. The world doesn't stop for your problems, so neither should you.

I guess the bottom line is that growing up is hard, but life is what you make of it. Pave your path because the world is your oyster. Embrace it. 

-J

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Update

Life has definitely been a roller coaster and since the last time I've posted. Quite a bit has changed.

I accepted a job with YouTube this past July and truly it has been a deep dive into the world of social media marketing to it's finest. Theres been moments of frustration, triumph, and even tears, but truly, I never thought in a million years this is where my life would take me.

I was that girl in my intro to PR classes that was one of very few that didn't want to go the entertainment marketing route and I guess that's the path that life chose for me.

I'm curious as to where things will take me in the next few months and I'm even more excited/scared to see where my life will end up.

Just a little update.

[thesmithian-blog]

Saudi Arabia has announced that it is to allow female citizens to take part in the Olympic Games this summer for the first time in the country’s history.

more.

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Life Tips From A 20-Something #2

Sometimes, picking your own happiness is the hardest choice.

When the odds are against you, faith is all you have to believe that you're doing the right thing.

Your mind is pulled in all directions and sometimes your will is cloudier then your heart.

Essentially, never forget who you are or where you came from. If you find yourself losing those small things that make you different, it's time to jump head first into the deep end.

Change isn't always easy, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.

[toast-to-life-blog]

Just go be young, have fun, and live! - Jessica Irwin

(via toast-to-life)

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Life Tips From a 20 - Something : Post #1

A new series I'm beginning. Mostly as a reminder to myself when I need some encouragement or maybe this will serve as a memoir that I shall view later on in life as a simple reminder of the lessons I've learned as I pursued "adulthood". Who knows. I hope you find something of worth from it.

It's Wednesday nights that I have come to love more then any other night of the week.

I've made Wednesday sort of like a "me" night where I cater to myself and do the things that I want to do.

I get home from work, relax, make a good dinner, get ready, head to the gym, then go to my yoga class.

This truly is relaxation at it's finest. I highly recommend anybody to practice this routine once a week, it's crazy how much it helps you with your self esteem.

The practice of making yourself dinner gives you empowerment, the early gym arrival allows you to feel motivated, and the yoga helps you relax. Simple living, big results.

"The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be." -Horace Bushnell

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This song brings me a bit of peace today.

I hope it brings you some peace too.

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The "Experiment"

I've been reading a lot of blog posts lately about the impact of Facebook on your self esteem. It's alarming the statistics that point to Facebook's success being centered around the human emotion.

I actually felt my first real low blow from social media Friday night. The anger, hurt, and frustration from something as simple as a "check in" made me realize how much I truly count on a Internet website to help me feel some sort of worth.

After this particular "low blow", I realized this would be a great opportunity to essentially "walk away" from my Internet world and gather my thoughts in a new way.

Now, I've never been one to use Facebook like a diary. Ranting and raving about how I hate so and so or igniting some sort of dramatic filled situation, but I do however, love to engage my friends in discussion. I love to read people's opinions and allow for a safe place of exchange without the pressure of judgmental ideas. 

On the flip side, I have become hopelessly classified as a "social media addict" and have based my enter life around my MacBook. It's been getting in the way of my normally ridiculous gym obsession and of course, my REAL life.

I'm tired of missing the day to day wonders that make life so special. Hence forth, the next week, I will be living my life without Facebook. 

Wish me luck as I embark on what seems like the impossible in today's ever changing society! 

-J

[jessicalirwin-blog]

Last summer, nine year-old Caine decided he wanted to be productive while sitting around his dad's auto parts shop. His elaborate and well thought out boredom landed him with his very own cardboard arcade. After months of begging customers to play, his man made idea made headlines after his first customer decided to make his small dream a reality.

You bet I'll be heading out to East LA one of these days to play!

[jessicalirwin-blog]

Growing Up

Passion and creativity has always been the backbone to my ambitions. Writing allows for me to express that passion through the only way I know how, words. 

For months, I've neglected this blog because truthfully, I felt like I had nothing to say. 

I've been reading and questioning just as much as I had always had, but I just couldn't figure out what was missing. I just felt like I had put something on the backburner, but I wasn't quite sure what it was.

After months of back and forth debate in my head, that piece finally hit me like a ton of bricks last week. 

I'm growing up. 

Then came the panic. 

"Growing up? I'm too young for this! I can't just grow up, I feel like I have so much youth in me still!" 

All these arguments instantiously began popping up in my mind. 

Than I began to feel overwhelmed as the weight of my decisions this past year hit me. 

[Many of those decisions were for the better, in no way do I feel any regret, but I still couldn't help asking myself if this is what I'm suppose to be doing.]

So I ran away to the only place I could think of - home. This meaning, my hometown. Not the place that I currently reside. 

As I drove the 250 miles north, tears began to stream down my face as I began to realize how much I had put myself through, how much life I still had to live, and how truthfully in the past year, those that really care about my well being began to surface. 

I guess in your own reality, you have this perfect "white picket fence" life you envision for yourself post schooling and then real life happens.

Those friends you thought were going to be there forever, could care less. That salaried, full benefit job of your dreams was no where to be seen. That boyfriend you were head over heels for, suddenly you're not quite sure he's the one. 

I didn't know how to properly express myself without creating conflict or feeling regretful for my actions. Which is why it has taken me so long to really accept my growth. I had put so much time, effort, and love into everything I had built that I had never taken the time to really dig deep into myself to discover what truly lies beneath these layers.

Well, I'm back and this is what I have learned.

Growing up isn't that bad. In fact, it's a blessing in disguise. 

1.You will never truly discover who you are unless you really look within to ask yourself what you want. Sometimes you don't know what you want, but that's okay too.

2.You don't have to have all the answers right away, but you need some sort of fulfillment that allows you to tread the path that you want to create. If you don't like something, change it. Life is too short to take the backseat to your dreams.

3.Deep down, you have standards. Not just for others, but for yourself as well. Some people just don't make the cut and that's okay. You just have to take the lesson's you've learned and move forth. The older we get, it becomes more apparant who accepts you for who you are. You can't just sit around and wish that someone will love you for you. They should respect your beliefs just as much as you respect theirs and it should be a mutally benefital relationship. If you feel like you're getting the shaft, you probably are. You just have to find the strength in yourself to be able to stand up for what you believe in.

4. Never forget where you come from and who raised you. In no way did I have a hard life, but my parents have always hammered into me the idea of responsibility. In essense, they never babied me. They forced me to grow up at a young age and find what enpowers me on my own. Truthfully, I couldn't be more thankful for that lesson. I need to be more proud of myself for the hardships I threw myself into post college. The fact I was able to stay treading above water is a miracle, but I did it, and I really hope I can share this experience with someone else one day. 

So in conclusion, this is my turning point. This is the moment where I say I think I've entered the next phase of my life and I'm [finally] okay with it. I know now that it is easier said then done, but slowly my confidence is coming back. I know I'm meant for big things. I just hope the next turning point reveals what those "things" shall be.

-JLI

[sweetyhigh]

It’s our favorite weekend of the year, The Kids Choice Awards! Last night, our favorite stars (who happen to be the nominees and presenters this year), celebrated BIRTHDAY style at the SLS Hotel in Beverly Hills to help support The American Cancer Society. Gifts were passed out, laughs were exchanged, and of course, high fives were def on the menu! One of our favorite attendees was Kalia Prescott from the Hunger Games. Check out her uber cute salmon colored dress with nude heels. Love it! We wonder what amazing goodies she was able to snag from the party!

Don’t forget to check out our Mirror Mirror coverage from the red carpet here to discover what Kalia would see if she looked into the mirror! We loved her answer!

[jessicalirwin-blog]

Just a little sample of my work with Sweety High's Tumblr. It takes awhile, but eventually you learn to write like a grammatically correct fourteen year-old girl!

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Good Morning 405 (my ode to Los Angeles) By: Jessica Irwin

Good morning 405 It's another beautiful day I couldn't help but push the snooze button a couple more times this morning So in bed I could stay But alas, I must get ready for work So up I get I brush my teeth, pick out my clothes, and hastily get set. It's 8:25, time to go So I rush out the house and think to myself thank god I didn't get towed. I get in my car and pull on to your freeways of gold It's kind if chilly this morning, even a bit cold. As I cruise 75, merging through the snails Suddenly it happens, a familiar site The bumper to bumper FAIL. My car doesn't have radio, so I'm forced into my own thoughts The normal phone calls to distract me, aren't able to be sought. I slow to a stop, a low grumble in my chest. Why can't just ONE morning be better then the rest? The time ticks away, my claustrophobia kicks in get me out of this car, this stupid box of tin! I'm starting to get a bit crazy now, this person just cut me off. So I flip them the bird, honk my horn, and then once again get soft. I'm almost to work! The end is in sight! I hold my breathe tight and merge to the right. The right lane has never looked so good, relief sets in I didn't die today, that's a plus, I wonder what I'll make for din. So 405, in the past 9 months, we've become old pals. But not going to lie, if you were really a person, I would probably throw you in a canal. Nothing personal, it's all business, I'm sure you understand. After all, you've just been named the busiest freeway in the land.

[jessicalirwin-blog]

[picturesofwar-deactivated201307]

This day in history:

Between 250 and 500 (a definitive number is unknown) innocent Vietnamese villagers, consisting mostly of elderly men, women and children, are killed and their village is destroyed in what is later known as the “My Lai Massacre.”  The incident is covered up by high-ranking military officers and not reported to the public until an investigative journalist catches wind of the story more than a year and a half later.

The massacre itself was finally put to an end after American helicopter pilot Hugh Thompson landed between a group of soldiers and villagers, threatening to shoot his fellow soldiers should they have continued.

The photo above shows one group of villagers seconds before they were killed.

March 16, 1968 - 44 years ago today.

[watertheroots-blog]

I attended a conference today where the speaker was talking about a subject that most of the audience already knew enough about. But what made me sit and listen to her lecture was her passion for the subject matter.

I was amazed at how passionate she was. I was looking at her as...

[jessicalirwin-blog]

Written by a co worker of mine's, mother. So inspiring!