The Video: What and Why?
I've had to stay off social media after reading some of the scariest and cruelest comments directed at me the day that video went viral. After many years of preaching to people and telling them to learn to be in a place where you don't care what ppl think about you, now I have to live out the words I spoke. It's a tough place to be in because the bible says Jesus was a man of no reputation. Now that I am here, I'd be lying if I said I don't want to explain and validate myself. Many will say I don't need to explain myself. But, I think there is a particular amount of responsibility one has to take when something happens.
I'm a singer and creative who has mostly kept details about my son private. I've wanted to write about how I've felt, but every time God stopped me. As far as the comments using my son for fame and money...I've had a decent following, and a song reach #15 on the Christian Billboard charts way before I had Seth. After getting pregnant and having him early, I chose to give up everything, including my music career at its height. I canceled prominent performances and tours set up with some of the most popular Gospel Artists to be a mom. I've been on and off of planes to perform, oversees, and worked for world-class organizations, including the Chicago Bulls, Chicago Blackhawks, NASCAR, and Wheaton Bible college. This is not to brag, but I've tasted the spotlight, and quite frankly, it freighters me because I value my privacy and comfort. But, I don't value it over what I believe. I have no clue how and why I went live. I don't know why at that moment what came out is my years of pain, fear, and so much more.
My heart hurts because people were hurt by that. My heart also hurts because there are thousands of women who have reached out since then, feeling they have NO VOICE. Can I be honest? I don't watch the news, I'm not into politics, and I'm the politically correct, love everybody type of character. Now major tv networks and shows want interviews with me. Truthfully, don't want to be anyone's advocate. I honestly, at this point, want to hide under a blanket and make this all go away. At the time, I wasn't trying to be an advocate. I was a desperate mom who was incredibly afraid who thought that if I went public, I would get the help needed for my son. But, now, because of who I am, I can't just stop at myself. This has opened my eyes to people who need help. To those who think I am after a check, please note that I could have banked off of my situation years ago if that was what I wanted. I didn't even get disability money for him. For years I worked a full-time job singing and being a creative director during the day while caring for my son all night. When he's inpatient, I sleep at the hospital and sing/work after sleeping here. What I want is for my son to be okay. Those feelings lead to my actions. Even now, I yearn only to work in creating programs for mentoring, advocacy, coaching, and support. People need help and I feel their pain.
I was told once I finally got the influence that I would not want it. Now, I understand that more than ever. I'm sorting out what is going on with my son, but I promise when I get through this, I will use every resource, bit of knowledge, and dollar I have to try and help people. More than anything else, I NEED JESUS to help me stay the course because this is indeed too much.