I started out seeing a 3D image of a sphere showing reflections on the floor. I thought it was amazing, I wanted to achieve that, I mean, it beat doing standard ICT or any of the other options for me at college.
Within the first week I had achieved what I set out to do, it opened up a huge world to me.
My whole life I have played video games, sometimes to escape reality, other times, to kill time, either way it took up a huge chunk of my life, I wanted to go down this road and see where it would take me.
University was tough, constant deadlines which were in parallel with other deadlines, your mind wasn't just focusing on 1 awesome 3D project but it was juggling 4, with an essay that you also had to do in the same timeframe.
University forced me to understand all of the steps it took to go into making a game. I never finished a piece that I was happy with, it was always rushed and always unfinished, I got to know and label it as a sub-par level of work, I thought long and hard about it and the thing that ended up defining what my grades at university was how high I could push that sub-par tier of work and accepting that I would never get close to what I thought was my best.
The only time you feel satisfied with your work is when you get praise, usually through a number, sometimes through 1 line comments from people that know nothing of your field, but it still gives you an uplift.
Your creation has had ‘X’ reaction, how does that make you feel about your own work?
I mean sure, I enjoy looking back at my progress but the only thing I feel I can do to justify gratification, is to compare it to other works and judge myself, ”was that a good time investment?”
As time went on, after university, I had my first proper in studio job working for a company I had only dreamed of working at as a child, but as I walked around the studio I felt... nothing? I didn't feel proud that I had managed to secure a place, I didn't feel negatively on the situation either. The work that was carried out there was weird, I didn't have 4 tasks that were all due in quickly that I had to do in parallel, I could keep my mind in 1 place, I also had time to get past the sub-par tier of quality I have only ever known to put out.
The weird part was that I didn't know how to do any of this, I didn't know how to achieve the potential I thought I was capable of, all of it came down to lack of appreciation for where I was or what I had achieved, it harmed and stunted my progression.
I started to use blueprints in Unreal 4. My mind slipped down a path that made it very hard to come back from.
There’s something about, running logic through your brain, putting that down on a graph in a matter of minutes and then seeing the results. This is as close to the sub-par method of developing that I was used to and the results were black and white, there was nothing to compare the results to, it either worked or it didn't, when it did, I loved it, when it didn't, it made me ponder why, and I usually fixed it.
But I am an artist?
I have been for 5+ years, so what is happening, how do I go back to what I am supposed to do and push that creativity further?
I ended up leaving that studio before my contract ended, I wanted to pursue this new found love for logic based gratification. I pushed this, I got some freelance work and I earned the most money I have ever made. I only ever found the tasks that required me to do something new, interesting, all the other tasks were chores that I had to force myself to do a day before they were due in, a really bad immature practice but I didn't care for the job that much, I didn't need the money and I was doing it out of opportunity.
Fly forward a few months and I get approached by some individuals to help build the art for their game, needless to say I join and got started, I also noticed that they could use some major help of the programming side, so I dive head first into that, before long, 2 months have passed, we have some cool systems, AI that seeks out the player, kills them, goes back to a patrol state etc among many other system, but... little to no art.
Fast forward a few months again and I get approached by a German company that gives me a days notice to fly out to Munich in order to push their project into gear. It was a huge eye opener to me, not only did I ask for what I considered to be a lot of money (And they didn't bat an eyelid at it) but I achieved everything I set out to do and exceeded the tasks they required for me for the 2 weeks I was out there, it felt good.
This is weird, I have only been doing logic based development for a few months, but I have trained as an artist for 5+ years yet I am getting payed a lot of money for the former... I feel flipped upside down.
I can’t just ignore 5 years of development and the project with the people that approached me for me to build art for their game was still, totally needing art, furthermore I was also seeing many of my friends develop amazing art pieces that made me envious of their dedication to the field.
I got back into sitting down, pen in hand, drawing away... It was frustrating and I am not sure if it was the obvious reasons, do I lack patience? Skill? Motivation?
Nothing of what I was drawing was anything close to the quality I wanted, and what is more annoying is the fact that I have learnt about composition, colour theory, thumbnails, value, lighting etc... I had the knowledge but not the creative image to build off of. Time again I kept persisting, trying to tackle it in a different way each time, which ended up in a stack of frustration built off of the previous failures, which soon led to complete destruction of motivation.
I give up.
And am now writing this instead.
I fear that I have too much lack of appreciation for my own abilities/ambitions and how far I have come, I have been spoilt by faster methods of gratification to where 3D and drawing design has become a marathon to see results.
How am I to endure this marathon and see the end? I have money to live off for a long time and I have the already existing portfolio to get me more jobs, so right now, I am struggling.
Most of this is probably over thinking, or perhaps limited by the English language to describe emotions that perhaps only touch the surface of a deeper issue that can’t be explained.
Too many variables/directions and too many issues with the only conclusion being ‘Man up + Persistence’ but it’s rarely as simple as that, at least for me.
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