Something between Love and Loathing

Aspiring Comedian/Writer/Actor/Person/Reader/Watcher. I write words and sometimes they come out beautiful and sometimes they come out ugly but all I want is for you to understand that you're not alone. Twitter handle is the same as my URL.

[jfrebe]

Fever Dreams

When I found you covered in dirt resting where you didn’t belong I saved you I cared about you and you left I don’t blame you I’m a wreck was a wreck too but when I found you six feet under surrounded by strangers i couldn’t help but free you from that earthly prison and plant you underneath the spot where we said our goodbyes for that was when you truly died.

[jfrebe]

Spirits

sitting in a house that I used to call my home i now realise that I am finally alone the ghost of a moment of a life i once had now sits beside me eyes glaze over lost in thought lost in the speed that life moves at compared to the speed we perceive it as. alone but not forgotten alive but not mourned slowly dying I am dying.

[jfrebe]

Embers

Light the fire let the light drive the darkness away I’m keeping my humanity close to my heart If I die I’ll be one step closer to them one step closer to the droves that haunt me mindless dregs following  an impulse to kill to tear apart and leave no innocent left I must take this light and rekindle the world Light the fire

[jfrebe]

Do you still think of me?

When it’s hot and I can’t sleep, I think of that night we spent together at a friends’ brother’s place. 

We fucked and fucked trying to get our bodies to the point of exhaustion that we just pass out Our bodies sticky with sweat lie next to each other hands intertwined and I whispered I love you as if the neighbors hadn’t figured that out as if I hadn’t figured that out

[jfrebe]

A BEGINNING OF THE ONLY STORY WORTH TELLING (PT I) ONE OF LOVE FOUND AND LOST (PT II) OF LEAVING AND RETURNING (PT III)

A cloudy night covering a star filled sky. That’s when the concept of love manifested in physical form. I barely saw your ivory skin against the swirling snow. Your soft pink lips touched mine and we closed our eyes together as one.

I thought.

I thought we were happy. We were seeking fulfillment, for someone to share love with. Instead we shared our fears, and rarely talked about how happy we were. Or weren’t.

It was a sunny afternoon when I saw you again, which felt all wrong. Do you smile when you think of me? Is it because of our memories or because I make you feel safe? I don’t understand anything but you anymore. Your lips didn’t feel as soft, and your touch didn’t feel as perfect.

[jfrebe]

Misanthropy doesn't exist in space. It cannot and it will not.

skeletal branches in bloom reach toward the heavens

as if their purpose is to touch the sky.

My purpose is 6 feet under the ground.

I am meant to die. 

Where are we going?

Spinning around a celestial being 

What am I made of?

Hate and depression.

This is not what I imagined life would be like

looking at the stars and wishing I was far away.

Projecting myself into space,

away from this away from you.

Floating falling spinning stop

I have walked the rings of Saturn,

I have seen beauty you could not imagine.

I have watched a star being born,

and I will watch this planet die.

[jfrebe]

What Happens when someone with Teenage Angst also finds He has Existential Angst: A love story.

Matt told me to just use a read more, so I’ll do that. This is my 15 page manuscript. A lot of these poems meant a lot to me at one point, and this was really difficult to do because I had to write the pain I had pushed down. You never really stop hurting, you just learn not to think about them anymore. 

Keep reading

[jfrebe]

I’ve been digging up my old work and I remember turning this in. I got an A and the teacher asked me if I needed help. I upped by anti-depressants after that. I forgot how sad I used to be, which I guess is a good thing. But I’m going to start reblogging myself and I don’t even care. 

[jfrebe]

Sinking: Vanitas

It’s happening again I’m losing interested in the things I thought I loved The Dream House, The Pecan Tree I’m fading away I won’t return The absurd is keeping me, from moving forward What’s the point of living When I know I die like everything on this earth

I will fall

I will fall like ashes from the sky Like all Kings and Queens Like all Gods have before me I am on a pedestal But I won’t be for long No I won’t be long

[jfrebe]

Sinking: Rodinia

My body is crushed Is nothing, lying at the Bottom of the sea Stripped of my possessions As waves crashed over me Down I went My decent Left me alone Dust on a shelf

Only darkness Only death Only Peace

Only Peace

[jfrebe]

I haven't posted in a while, but I'm using my writing from here to make music and I'm having a blast. Here's an incredibly shitty demo of one of our songs that I recorded on my phone in our tiny practice space. It gets pretty loud and you can barely hear me at parts, but I'm proud.

[jfrebe]

Last Words (A tribute to Jeff)

We were barely men Neither one of us sired Yet we had faced something all will face Death had touched us, held one in place. The Freezing Moon had come for him His time would soon be up Your last words will stay with me forever I'm scared. I'm not stronger than you Why am I here and you're not There's no reason for you to leave When I am fine I'm sorry I don't know why but I am I'm sorry I want to cry but I can't I won't The freezing moon had come for you You not me Your last words are branded on me I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared It's okay

[jfrebe]

When the grey sky turns

Eyes are the gateway to the soul So I keep mine shut With my hands over my ears as I shout Over the noise I imagine is happening If I ever dare peek It will be the day my soul leaves Torn from me in a fit of fury Leaving nothing but my smoking carcass So I stand and wait Until the day I'm ready to remove my shackles And leave this world behind

[jfrebe]

Neurosis- Times of Grace

So, I know that Neurosis is a band. That’s about it. Let’s go!

Suspended in Light- Some light ambient noise, with guitar slowly creeping up. As far as intros go, this one is okay. I’m excited for the music to really start, but at the same time the subdued approach gives everyone a chance to sort of prepare for what’s next.

The Doorway- This is a lot louder than the previous song. Nothing light about this intro, it’s all chugs. The vocals kick in and remind me of some hardcore bands I’ve listened to, but also has a tinge of screaming. No real sense of direction or melody that I can find, but a lot of noise. Aggressive noise, harsh and dissonant. Oh okay, it finally changed and now reminds me of Keeper (if you haven’t checked them out, do so.) Very slow moving doom section. It’s now down to a crawl, much like my nephew Ben wants to move at but he can only roll over. So speed isn’t a thing on this song, it feels like they go however fast they want with a riff and once they’re done with it they pick a new riff. Can’t say if I care for that tactic. The only way I could tell this song was ending was because the volume got lower, I wouldn’t doubt they’d just let a song fall apart, only to remake it after the screeching of the amps lets off.

Under the Surface- When the vocals kick in on this song, I really like that moment. Now that I can really hear the vocals, I know exactly what he’s doing. I sing like this at band practice. I think having the harmonies right there was a good call, this album needs more of that. I’m not much of a noise guy. The drums on this song are fun, very tribal. Or maybe that’s because they’re playing the same thing over and over again. I like this song much more than the first, it does have more of a melody, and this soft part where it feels like the bottom of the song gave way was exactly what I was talking about at the end of the last track. When the guitars come back in it’s like a thunderclap, everything becomes one note, slowly changing.

The Last You’ll Know- I was not prepared for the length of these songs. The vocals on this song sound more pained, the melody from the last track is now gone, in it’s place is a song that wants to keep moving. But it doesn’t have the same intensity of the first song, it’s just sad. Like a morose feeling, especially when that harmonica or bagpipe or whatever the fuck it is starts playing. Sounds eerie. Now everything is just slow, really pounds in the feeling.

Belief- A simple drum pattern, and a fatty bassline. Like, shit. These guys sure do love their pedals. It’s a very simple song, no surprises. Maintains the same feelings from the last song, even the vocals are all gruff. Reminds me of black metal. Just more riff-y. Not too much else to say about this song. It’s short!

Exist- Here’s a brief interlude track. Just more of a simple picking pattern, no noise. No vocals. A simple little track after a very heavy beginning.

End of the Harvest- This is a very sludgey song. Again we have an angry vibe, but the vocals are more angry than the music. It’s much cleaner than the first few songs, I feel like if they went back to harsh noise this song would really hit hard. But it’s too clean to have these vocals on them. I end of this song picks up beautifully. It’s all the energy the rest of the song needed. BIIINNNNNNNND.

Descent- I’m pretty sure this is a bagpipe. And what is with these short songs all of the sudden? Weird. They’re making noise music with a bagpipe. That’s fucking sweet.

Away- Now we’re back to the long songs. Very soft intro, softest so far. Woah, clean vocals. These sound really good. He should have used them more, the dynamics you can have if you can actually sing are huuuge. This song is all about feeling, still haven’t broken into screaming yet. Should change any second now. The wind is a nice touch, something you rarely see on any album that isn’t black metal. Made it a whole other verse without changing it up. I was wrong, it didn’t change to screaming after I wrote that. I should realise by now that these guys wouldn’t just change the entire song drastically, they’ll build it up. I didn’t think they’d chose to go that direction, with the dissonant guitar and the screaming mixed low. I thought they’d go for noise and scream over the top of it, really let loose.

Times of Grace- Title track! The way things are going, I seem to enjoy the first side of this album much more than the second. Let’s see if that changes. So it’s hard, but it’s not nearly as powerful as it could be. That’s what this side is missing. The raw intensity, the urgency, that the first few songs had.

The Road to Sovereignty- The closer. It sounds like a louder version of the intro song. Not much to say about this.

The Verdict: A doomy noise band whose second half was a progressive doomy noise album. This could have been split into two albums, but both sides are good just in different ways. The ending track is a fantastic melody, and great way to end the progressive side, just like Exist was a simple ending to a series of emotional songs. It’s worth a listen, no matter the mood you’re in.

[jfrebe]

At the Gates- Slaughter of the Soul

I have some experience with At the Gates, but it’s been a while since I’ve listened to them, especially this album. Here we go!

Blinded by Fear- Love this intro, there’s no disputing these guys had a huge hand in helping the Swedish death metal scene. This was the last album they released before “At War with Reality” last year. The song itself sounds okay, it’s death metal, and these guys feel comfortable with their sound.

Slaughter of the Soul- I find the vocals on this song interesting, because they go from being the forefront, to blending into the music, then coming back out again. Interesting mix for sure. Being the title track I thought it was going to be something impressive, which it’s good, but I’m not blown away or anything. The lyrics as always are great, one thing I really do love about AtG.

Cold- The slow ramp up intro is done well here. The chorus melody is great sounding, and the bridge from the second chorus to the picking part is great, wish they would have kept that longer. It’s weird to me hearing solos in death metal, but that’s 90s death for you. Ending with some feedback, doing something different from the last two songs, which is a relief. There’s hope for this album yet.

Under a Serpent Sun- Now this intro has a feeling of urgency, into a pretty chug heavy riff, but keeps the pace up. Then they stop and lose that force, bring it back up with what can’t be even half of the power they had going. They could have kept playing and just put vox over it. Another guitar solo, but it’s not really a guitar solo even though you can tell the levels were raised. That talking part was pretty cool, and they could have gone a lot of places with it, but instead they went into the same kind of style they were already playing. The nice thing about being a melodeath band is you can switch shit up.

Into the Dead Sky- A soft intro here, very melodic. Very catchy, I hope they bring this back up later in the song. The reverse filter on the cymbals was probably cool at the time, but too many core bands heard that and use it in like every fucking song. It’s a shame that such a good band made such an overplayed genre. Oh that was it. Just an interlude song. That could have been a great song. Oh well.

Suicide nation- I wonder if this title is about Scandinavia having some of the highest suicide rates in the whole world. That’s a fact. Not too much to say about this song, it sounds very similar to the other tracks on the album. It’s why I prefer early AtG to later AtG. They experimented less with their sound near the end, focused more on the “we’re a melodeath band” rather than just play music. The technicality isn’t anything to be mocked though, these guys were good.

World of Lies- The prechorus and chorus are where this song really shines, and vocally is higher than other songs so far, which being a vocalist I know how difficult it is raising your range. The variation of vocals sounds good, it could have worked for the rest of the album. The double bass is pretty constant throughout, but he doesn’t work the top part of the kit that much.

Unto Others- The golden rule, right? The intro changes into the verse riff after what can’t be more than two measures, it’s almost like why even have an intro if you’re going to do that. I can’t even appreciate it. There are no real transitions from riff to riff, it’s very cookie cutter. This is verse. This is prechorus. This is Chorus. It doesn’t flow that well, but it does make it easy to follow. The screaming over the acoustic part I really like, I wish they would have done that more. The rest of the song could have been that and I would have been happy. They only experiment seconds at a time, and those parts really shine on the album.

Nausea- A very heavy verse riff, if you take off the vocals it’s probably the heaviest part on the album. Another song that starts with a sense of urgency, and so far it’s slowed but hasn’t lost it. Even the guitar solo is a short sweet bit, followed by a bit of Kerry King, cause if anyone knows urgency in music, It’s slayer (replace with your favorite thrash band if you must).

Need- It’s started to get complicated, and we’re almost done with the album. Where was this 10 songs ago? This is innovation. This is great music! It’s fun to listen to, it’s fast and heavy, and it’s not so cookie cutter. Everything sort of blends together, making it harder to find creases to grab on to. And I can even hear the bass on this song. First time on the album. Then the drop off into chimes or xylophone with whispering in the background

The Flames of the End- right into midi keys. Who’s doing this, Varg? (I like to make that joke a lot. A LOT.) I’m not sure if they knew they were ending after this, but it feels like they did. The last song on the track, and it’s something completely different. It’d be so much better if it wasn’t just an outro track, they could have really ripped shit up with this. But no vocals are to be found, and it’s under 3 minutes. It’s just a build up into nothing. At least it fades out into reverb and static.

The Verdict: While it gets same-y you can’t deny At the Gates is a great death metal band, I just wish they’d experiment more. They missed out on a couple great chances to do something weird, something different, but they also went for a couple of those albeit briefly. It’s a good album, a bit tedious and a lot to chew on. If you like death metal, give it a listen. If you like metalcore, know your roots and pay respect.

[jfrebe]

Dio - Holy Diver

So, this is my version of NaNoWriMo! Every day I’ll be listening to a metal album from Loudwire’s top 50 classic metal albums, and I used Random.com to get the album numbers so I can’t be partial. It’s a fun way for me to write and listen to some metal that I probably missed out on! Everything is done on the first listen, while I’m listening to the song, with a glance over to make sure I didn’t forget anything. So these are my thoughts while the songs are playing, don’t take it too seriously, I’m just here to have fun.

Stand Up and Shout: What a catchy hook, I’m already interested on where this song is going. Dio has an amazing voice, I personally find him the best example of a heavy metal vocalist. The lyrics on this song are a little lacking, but metal was still finding its place in 1983. The solo feels really out of place, too fast for the song. The second solo also is weird. But that’s what it was all about back then.

Holy Diver: The title track, easily one of Dio’s most recognizable songs. The gentle key part (and the whale song) in the beginning really set the mood that they were going for something epic. The music video is hilariously bad sword and sorcery, but the movies that time were so bad they’re amazing sort of thing (Deathstalker is a prime example). Anyway, back to the song, the slow steady riff is the driving force of the song, and I’m not sure if I like that. Old school metal is very guitar centric, and the drums are so bland. Again Dio’s voice shows off amazing range, and this time his voice rings true with the lyrics. It’s just not as good unless he’s singing about some fucking paladin on a quest. This song feels weird being on this album, out of place for sure. If the rest had been about some fantasy shit than yeah, go for it. But instead it was interjected into some random songs.

Gypsy: Starting off with a guitar solo? Really? At least Dio has a scream over the top of it, even if it just the title of the song. You’ll be riding on the gypsy? Is this song about sex? I don’t care much for this track, it’s a pretty bland song. Guitar solo again, it’s the same structure as the first song. I liked Dio’s stuff with Black Sabbath, but I can also name everyone is Black Sabbath, in Dio I can only name Dio. Kind of the same thing with Abbath, or Ozzy Osbourne, or Sting.

Caught in the Middle: Dio really shows off his vibrato in the beginning. This song is pretty vocal driven, but again I have a problem with the drums. They could be doing so much more. Who is on the kit, lars? Also what was with the 80′s where every song needed a guitar solo? Like, this song did not need one. This is a pretty catchy song though, a good vocal work out for Dio.

Don’t talk to Strangers: I could see a Axl Rose listening to this song and pulling from it. Probably the most heavy metal song on this album, definitely the most active on the drums. The guitar solo actually fits. I might even say this is the best song on the album, mainly because I feel like Holy Diver shouldn’t belong on this album. But damn, this is a good song, I had given up hope. Dio caught me off guard with this one.

Straight Through the Heart: The intro is as stereotypical as you can get for classic 80′s, it isn’t until the chorus that it picks up and feels like something different. And even then, doesn’t feel like it should be on this album. This is some b-rate shit. It does have the best guitar solo though, so maybe that’s why it made the cut. Who knows.

Invisible: Digging this intro. Slow, full of pedal use. Lots of feel. Until it changes completely into the song, not even a transition, just a straight cut into a riff. If they would have continued on that path, it would have been a lot better. It’s an average song after the intro, which is a shame because it was set up for so much more!

Rainbow in the Dark: Another classic, the keys are very simple yet do their job on catching your attention and keeping you involved until Dio can get there and really make the song what it is. I think it’d be a better album if they utilized the keys/synths better. I’m not sure what the song stands for, maybe a song of maintaining hope when all else fails? The solo is needlessly fast, I feel it drags on. His vocals on this song are strong, probably some of the strongest moments on the album. This along with Don’t Talk to Strangers (and Holy Diver) save the album from mediocrity.

Shame on the Night: The final song! Starts with some samples of wolves howling. The bass is mixed pretty high here, which I love that it’s a powerful component in this song. Probably the most complicated song musically, it’s not saying much though. Dio loves the long notes here, and he shines when he sings them. It’s not the most climatic ending, but it’s a good ending to the album. The song doesn’t do anything you don’t expect, or haven’t already heard.

The Verdict: It’s fucking Dio, and while I may criticize he’s still a goddamn legend for a reason. Some very good songs here, and some not so good. If reviewed today it’d be seen as a weaker album with some high points, that show off what the band is capable of, but some seem rushed or very basic. This is a fun album to listen to. Not counting the classics, Don’t talk to Strangers and Shame on the Night are probably my favorite songs on here. With Invisible having the best intro.

[jfrebe]

Spooky

I'm no good You're lying again In my bed, next to me In your own world Where I'm not perfect Where I love you Despite my flaws I'm having trouble believing in God again Because of everything around me It all decays and rusts away When I turn to look at you You fade Like a ghost But you're really just a memory

[jfrebe]

You remind me of the taste of pills

I gave myself an anxiety attack While I was masturbating to the memory of you. Which I guess is my body's way of saying I miss you more than I want to admit. And when my half hard dick finally came All I felt was a crushing weight on my chest Ever since you left me I chose to stay the same I'm no different than the person you left behind