jiejyen

"that little smirk you gave me killed me inside;but i tried to keep my cool around you. FUCK YOU !"

[a-scorpio-woman]

Scorpio dot point aesthetics: 

When she’s guilty: *smirks* misbehaving, *looks deeply into another’s eyes* “I don’t know what you are referring too” 

People are a star burning brightly in the night sky and I’m a universe.

I don’t want to be friends, I have enough of those.  

Sometimes, all I want to do is disappear into existence  

If you don’t respect me, neither will I

“Dare me”

Black nail polish

I want to do bad things to with you

Aren’t we just terrifying?

Beautiful. But dangerous

I just wanted you to fight for me  

-A Scorpio Woman

[minsantamad]

“I knew our love is just a lie, but it still feels good when I try to imagine that it’s true”

—

[books-n-quotes]

“I am doing something I hate for you. This is what it means to be in love.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“I need to learn how to stop destroying myself, stop being hard on myself, and be nice to myself.”

— Daul Kim

[jiejyen]

you taught me how to write again

i was so used to minding my own business, unbothered, not caring about anything or anyone at all. i thought i was finally prepared to carry out my plan of living without needing anyone to hold. but you came along.

you make me think of all things soft. warm hugs. coffee in the morning. 3am talks. late night walks.

i ony liked black and white and a little bit of blue but you came and gave me yellow. you gave me purple. pink.

red.

you make me like the rain. i used to hate it because it’s so loud and it drowns out my own voice and no one hears me speak. but you make me like it. you make me like how it’s so loud that it drowns out everything and all i could think about and all i could focus on is you.

you make me think of all things you. your hair. your eyes. your voice. your smile.

fuck.

your smile.

for years, i’ve trained myself to be ready for when people finally realize i am not worth their time and choose to leave. i’ve trained myself to be brave. but you didn’t care about that. you came along and threw my hardwork down the drain. i thought i was already brave. but you scare me. you make me afraid of losing you, losing this, whatever this is.

i thought i already learned how to heal myself when i get hurt but i never realized i still don’t know how to brace myself from the fall.

i was already so used to not being sad. but you came along and for the first time in a long time, i’m reminded of how genuine happiness feels like. you make me smile. it sucks. i hate you. i hate this. please, don’t leave.

[jiejyen]

I am not always going to be in the mood to joke around with you. I am not always going to want to have sex with you and make-out with you and flirt with you like you are the only thing in the world that matters.

Sometimes I am going to shut down, close myself off. Sometimes I am going to want to be alone. When I get into those moods, you can try to cheer me up, but nothing will help. I won’t find anything to smile about and that might frustrate you. That might turn you off.

Sometimes I am going to shut down, close myself off. Sometimes I am going to want to be alone. When I get into those moods, you can try to cheer me up, but nothing will help. I won’t find anything to smile about and that might frustrate you. That might turn you off.

The girl that you claim to like is real, she isn’t entirely pretend, but she isn’t the whole story either. She isn’t the person I am most of the time.

Most of the time, I’m quiet. I’m selfish. I’m trapped inside of my own head. I’m not always bubbly and loud, not always smiling and optimistic.

So far I have only shown you the best version of myself because I really like you. I wanted to impress you. I wanted you to view me as someone worthy of your time and affection.

But now that I have gotten that far, now that you are interested, I am worried about disappointing you. I am worried about what you will think when you see the real me.

I feel stuck, because I don’t want to scare you away when you mean so much to me — but I don’t want to keep you at a distance either. I don’t want to keep pretending while you’re standing right in front of me. I want to be my authentic self around you. I want to let my walls down for you.

I feel like you are worth the risk, but I hope I’m not wrong. I hope I don’t end up disappointing you. I hope you don’t end up walking away like everybody else. 

I don’t want to disappoint you. But i dont want to hurt you either. I like you. I love you. But i knew since then that if you see the real me, I might end up loing you. Forever.

[jiejyen]

And he chose me, over you

——over anyone else

and everyone kept whirling the same old questions.

Why me?

Why am I here in the picture?

They thought he was made for you.

It was hard facing yourself in the mirror everyday and wonder if you finally cleaned the surface that was once a mess of a beautiful love story and dismounted by second, third and fourth chances of mending. It was hard filling the gaps that you knew someone else occupied for too long, or hanging out in the same places where an image of you might have been lingering that only he could see. It was difficult because I could hear the thump in his chest when I hug him close, but I wasn't sure if it beats for me now, or if it is still beating from the hope of you.

It was hard letting the same hands to touch me, when it already touched someone else with love.

And yes,

in my case, I am filling up your space.

I know there wasn't supposed to be a competition but love always had its battle so enticing not to fight back. That even my silence sounded so loud. And although he chose me, I know you'll never completely leave his life. He built a museum of memories that nobody is invited to come. Not even me.

And I had read the terms and conditions but I love him. I love him so sincerely I am willing to face all odds. It was like entering a wildfire hoping a rain could pour all its madness and save me. I was thinking this is probably how destiny works.

I am sorry if this broke you.

I am sorry if I am here now, making him happy. I realized loving him needs sacrifices too. I have to leave people, I have to turn my back on things, I have to be insensitive if this is the way of keeping him. I need to go out from our little friendship.

Maybe he made you his universe too. Maybe his only universe.

But I am willing to stay with him until all the stars, planets, galaxies, comets and asteroids fade. I am willing to stay. I know one day their time is up. I know one day they'll be gone.

And I might be entering a circle with intangible outline, with no corner to put an exit door and an inevitable encounter of endless spins of your reflections. But I am glad he chose me. It was surprising but he chose me.

I am going to put up a home with new things, and I will give my future son his eyes. I am going to stay with him and trade my sleep just so I could comfort him all night when he's upset. I am going to dance with him on rains and snows. I am going to kiss him, every now and then until the taste of your lips completely dissolves in his memory. I am going to hold him when he broke down into pieces. I am going to hold him and will fight for him. I am going to make him see that I am worthy of love. I am going to understand his imperfections and will grow a flower from his hidden cracks.

I am going to love him.

I am going to make you feel at ease that he is in good hands.

I promise,

and I am sorry it this hurts you.

But you'll get by because you're stronger than anyone else.

I will take care of him

the same way you did

but I will love him differently.

Thank you

for being there

for him.

Thank you

for teaching him

what love is.

Thank you

for teaching him

the right ways

of how to treat

a woman.

Thank you

for

being

the

woman

before

me.

[jiejyen]

Remind them how much you love them, even when you feel like you do not have to say the words. You do. They need to hear your compliments. They need reminders you have not fallen out of love with them. They need constant reassurance because they are convinced they are eventually going to lose you and have been counting down the seconds until that becomes the reality.

When they push you away, be careful with the way you react. If you blow up at them for how distant they are acting, then they are going to shut down. But if you push them to open up to you before they are ready, then they are going to feel uncomfortable around you. The best thing you can do is remain patient. You have to encourage them to spill their soul to you, you have to give them reasons to trust you with their secrets, but you cannot pry anything from them.

When you love someone who does not see their own worth, little things can become frustrating. Watching them spend hours fix themselves in front of a mirror and still not liking what they see. Listening to their complaints about how they are expecting to fail and can never do anything right. Seeing them burst into tears and knowing there is nothing you can do to fix things.

Do not get too annoyed with them when they refuse to leave the house because they are having a bad hair day or because the number on the scale is higher than they predicted or because they feel like no one wants them around anyway. Do not roll your eyes when they reveal their biggest fears to you because you feel like they are overreacting. Do not give them any reason to feel like they should not trust you, like they should keep their demons to themselves because you clearly do not understand what they are going through.

When you love someone who does not see their own worth, you cannot treat them as horribly as they treat themselves. Even though they will comment on how much they hate their nose or their stomach countless times, you should never agree with them. You should never join that little voice in the back of their heads telling them they are not good enough. You should never tear them down because they are already busy tearing themselves down.

You can try your hardest to make them feel loved by spoiling them with surprises and compliments, but you cannot blame yourself when their insecurities continue to haunt them. You cannot accuse them of being ungrateful or wonder whether you are being a bad partner since they are still insecure even though they have you around. It has nothing to do with you. They are fighting a battle inside of themselves.

When you love someone who does not see their own worth, you have to hope that one day they will grow to see themselves the way you see them. As someone who is beautiful, valuable, and worth knowing. TC mark

[bitterenaryoako-deactivated2019]

“May isang tao pa ring hindi tumitigil na isulat ka. Gusto niyang malaman kung paano ba.”

—

Juan Miguel Severo (via

hindimatinongurl

)

[jiejyen]

Without a warning, the thought of him enters your brain and stays there day and night. Everywhere you look, you see his name printed in capital letters. You try to remember the last time you felt this dizzy and conflicted and torn. You close your eyes and embrace the silence around you, hoping to understand your emotions. And it’s somehow working. You’re starting to figure out why you suddenly can’t stop thinking about him.

“This isn’t love yet,” you tell yourself. But it’s a little close to that. You’re few moments away from tearing your walls down. The logical part of you is slowly disappearing. And you’re acting like a kid again. You catch yourself smiling for no reason at all. You rest your chin above your hands, unconsciously daydreaming.

“How did this happen?” you ask yourself. You look back on the day you first met, when he shook your hand, when you first heard him speak. Maybe his touch melted the coldness in your heart and you weren’t aware of it at that time. Maybe when he seated inches from you, he was throwing signs that he was interested in getting to know you. Or maybe when you complimented him for his gesture, the universe decided that both of you could be a thing.

You wish there’s an easy way to describe what you’re feeling right now. You wish you can walk straight up to him and tell him how often you’ve been thinking about him lately. But that will be risky. You’re not bold enough to make that big move. You’re scared that you’ll only subject yourself to humiliation. So you choose to sit in the quietness of your room, searching for clues and meanings that will convince you that he’s also into you.

There’s a huge possibility of being in a relationship with him — you know that. But your bad experiences in the past weakens your confidence of meeting him in the middle. You have so many what ifs. There are hundreds of questions swarming your brain at this point. Your gut encourages you to look for more proof, to give yourself more time. The deeper you try to find answers, the more confused you get.

The truth is, you’re scared. You don’t want to gamble. You have become so good at being alone. You have found a home in your own body. And you’re convinced that you don’t need anyone else. The peace that resides within you is threatened by a potential love story and you don’t know how to handle the issue properly. It’s hard to let someone in when you’ve been used to ignoring knocks on your door. It’s hard to let someone help you be warm when you’ve been comfortable being cold for so long.

You want to give love a try but only if there’s a guarantee. You want to give him a chance but only if he expressly asks you out. For the meantime, you’ll play it safe. You won’t dip a toe in the water. You’ll take a rain check. You’ll stay where you are until it’s crystal clear that he won’t hurt you. That he won’t turn out to be the guy who will break your heart.

This is how you protect yourself because you’ve learned your lesson. You’ve realized over time that love is supposed to be transparent. You’ve sworn to yourself that you will only share your soul with a guy who will be brave enough to tell you that they like you. A guy who will never make you feel doubtful. You’ve grown to be more careful about entrusting your heart with someone else.

What you feel toward him isn’t love yet, but you’re positive that it can be. The fact that you think about him once in a while means he’s beginning to become an important person to you. It’s a sign that he can be the one you’ve been waiting for. That maybe there’s a future with him and you don’t have to worry about waking up to an empty bed anymore. You need not to be afraid of trusting someone again.

A pang of guilt hits your stomach because you’re not sure if constantly thinking about him is healthy. You’re not sure if making him a major part of your life is necessary. But whatever happens, whether you end up in a relationship with him or not, you know that you can go back in your old ways. In time, you can forget everything about him. You can continue thriving in this world and believing that you will be just fine on your own.

[vomitingwords]

I just wanted you

to choose me,

even if

I was nothing

but ordinary.

Can I stop thinking about you? No. // ma.ca.

[books-n-quotes]

“Art and love are the same thing: It’s the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you.”

— Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story

[jiejyen]

Change is scary, but it is better than remaining in the same place for your entire life. You need to move in order to grow.

[jiejyen]

Even though we’re temporary, you were still so special to me.

I want to thank you for everything even though we were not right for each other. I know I understand that despite how happy we were together, and despite how right you felt in all the right ways, we were never supposed to be permanent. I couldn’t stop the what ifs and maybes that flooded my thoughts.

[jeuz]

...Na may tao pang magmamahal sa kanya sa kabila ng mga pagkakamali at pagkukulang niya. Nawa'y mapatunayan mo sa kanya na mali ang mga iniisip niya ngayon. It will take time, as in mahabang time para makuha ulit ang tiwala niya. Be patient. Be kind. Sana rin ay habaan mo ang pasensya mo sa kanya.

🎶

La ako masabi

[coral]

“some things you let go in order to live.”

— (via coral)

[fuck-you-fuckin-fuuck]