let your lionheart cleave the way

(The Ace. Firefly. Hunting Rifle & Axe. Hunter.) Tell me something perfect, something I can steal. Say "baby, we'll be fine. All we gotta do is be brave and be kind."

[jihyoxtlou]

.red in my ledger .cnu

[tlouxcnu-deactivated20161201]

“Whatever topsider…” He shook his head, his face impassive in the light of her stony expression. “Unless it’s magic in that bag or a cloned back-up sister–what you tried to die for won’t "keep him alive”. There are a lot of ways to “die” not just the ones that end in bloodshed, infection or come from violence.“

He would know–he’d been dying inside of a broken heart all alone for the last seven years. "What do you think it would have done to him if you didn’t come back? Cause you wouldn’t have little Bandit Queen. I’m not an empathetic do-gooder, but I’m no slouch in the survival department either. If I hadn’t found you–you’d be dead now. Just another corpse for the rats…”

Realizing he’d said too much and was–shit–giving a damn again, CNU fell silent once more and busied himself with the water tank. Stop it! You don’t know her and even if you did she isn’t noona. Of all the places to come crashing down into, why’d she have to fall into HIS house. He didn’t want to care, or help or anything else. He just wanted to be alone in the darkness of his tunnel. “Forget it. Bedtime for you Bandit Queenie. If you got your wits enough to get pissed at me then that rock on your head probably didn’t scramble your brain too badly. Yet. So sleep now–I’ll keep watch.”

Not like he slept much anyway.

He had no idea what he was going to do with her though. He didn’t get emergency triage worthy visitors everyday–or any damn day honestly. Still. she wasn’t in any condition to be moving about–she could lie all she wanted to her brother, but CNU knew she was still going to need at least forty-eight hours to recover. He’d feel better about her chances once she got some color back in her cheeks. He was pale be cause of lifestyle, her pastiness was definitely coming from having her screws almost knocked lose. He’d keep her warm and still until her color looked more topsider like again.

Then she had to go…

[jihyoxtlou]

Another corpse? Not like his projecting had been very subtle, but that sold it. This wasn’t about her at all, she knew that. She believed him, wholeheartedly, when he called himself no empathetic do-gooder, she did, and the only reason he was freaking out like this all of sudden was because of something completely unrelated to her. Obviously, whatever it was, had something to do with family -- perhaps a sister he lost? His mother? Whatever it was, it suited her just fine, because it obviously made him feel like he had to take care of her. However long that would last, but for now, it suited her.

She knew this was a dangerous trip, but he was wrong, the contest of her bag were very much worth it. She’d just have the be smarter next time. If he hadn’t shown up, she would’ve found another way. She would’ve returned to Joongki, she knew that, with her whole heart, with everything that she was. She would never leave Joongki.

“Whatever, Mole-boy,” she griped, because she couldn’t be bothered arguing this useless point to him. He wasn’t the was she had to account herself to.

So she lowered herself until she was in the most comfortable position she could and tried to get some sleep, because there just wasn’t anything else to do now.

[acemongji]

Lyrics || Porcelain Black - One Woman Army

[jihyoxtlou]

.dried up hopes .joongki

[13xjingoo]

[...]

Joongki felt sick, and the certainty that he could never do that to Jihyo sank into his bones. He could never make her watch something like that again. It had broken him for a while, but he had had her to pull him out, to coax him back to living.

(Would anyone be willing to do that for her? Would she even let them?)

“Noona…” His voice sounded faint, even to his own ears. His knees felt just as weak, and he wasn’t entirely sure if he was breathing properly yet. He wasn’t sure if he ever would again, not when he could feel the connection to his anchor fraying. “Noona, I won’t…”

He couldn’t finish the sentence. It would have been too big of a lie.

[jihyoxtlou]

“You won’t go, or you won’t die? Because there is only one you can truly promise me.”

She fixed him a cold, hard look, reigning in all her fear desperately to lock it away before it infected everything, before it spread like wildfire, before it swept over her like a hurricane. She knew she couldn’t do it, she knew she couldn’t fall again and get up. She wasn’t that strong. She could not live through another aftermath, not another storm.

Not another loss. Not him.

This was the final one, the only thing she was holding on to. This was it, the thread keeping her connected to life. If he cut it, she would fall, not endlessly and desperately, but short and hard, and she would not survive the impact. She knew that much.

She sighed, letting her expression soften again.

“Let’s -- Let’s just go eat, okay? We can talk about this some other time.” When there wasn’t someone else to listen to their conversation. When she had actually slept -- well, all right, that wouldn’t ever happen. She’d be more than happy not to bring this up ever again.

Maybe she could find something else to distract him. Something that would still keep him safe. He’d listen to her, she was sure, he always did. Maybe he was just insisting because he didn’t want Sukjin thinking he didn’t care about the Fireflies. That must be it. As long as he was here, nothing would get solved, this conversation would be pointless. She glances back, feeling annoyed he was still here.

This was her home, and her family, and he couldn’t just come in and take that from her.

Maybe they should leave. She was strong enough and smart enough now to provide for them without the back up of the Fireflies now. She could do it, just go anywhere they want, do whatever they want. Just take whatever they could.

Complete freedom, just the two of them. No one but them.

[jihyoxtlou]

.despite this cruel world .jongkook .flashback

[tlouxjongkook-blog]

[...]

Thinking that she was probably embarrassed at her own clumsiness, he merely grinned at her, and was afterwards slightly taken aback at his own urge to tease her. Nonetheless he managed not to do that, still rather clueless and awkward at interaction with opposite gender that wasn’t his family. 

He nodded his head at her words, and then subsequently proceed to cut off the end of the rope that was tied to the broken wooden plank. The other half of the plank fell off downwards with a loud crash, and he was just thankful none of them fell off the escalator. He quickly untied the other end attached to the pillar and stuff the rest of the rope into his backpack. It would be too wasteful to just throw away such a sturdy rope that might come in use later on. 

After making sure that they had everything with them, he advanced forward and just slightly in front to scout the path first. 

“How far up do you think your parents are at?” 

[jihyoxtlou]

Jihyo followed closely, wanting to get off this death trap as soon as she could, but staying behind him in some natural understanding.

She pursed her lips in thought at his question, her feet finally finding a stone floor again.

“Uuuhm, I’m not sure? I think... seventh? Eight? Something like that. It was difficult to count,” she shrugged and grinned a litte. “We didn’t exactly take the stairs.” They crawled under and over the debris, skipping floors because they were inaccessible. And she didn’t remember ever being on this floor at all, so who knows where they started?

“I’ll recognize if we get there,” she tried to assure him, not wanting to sound dumb for not knowing. “It’s still up much further.”

She wondered again what they were doing... Were they looking for her? Were they trying to get down to see if she was still alive? What if they left? What if they did go down and they missed each other? The questions made her head hurt and made her want to panic and cry again, so she filed them away, locking up the part of her brain that wanted to be unhelpful.

She would find them. With Jongkook’s help, she would find them.

Around them it was all quiet, it seemed, no Infected around and she relaxed a little, walking closer to him, trying to be helpful and scout the area too. She pointed at a board with emergency exit written on it, the letters faded but still clear enough to read.

She smiled and shrugged again.

“Maybe we should try taking the stairs?”

It was likely they’d be blocked, but... they could try. She didn’t want a repeat of what just happened.

[jihyoxtlou]

.red in my ledger .cnu

[tlouxcnu-deactivated20161201]

He was only pretending not to listen…

A man’s voice. Well he supposed he should be grateful it was a man’s tones and not the high thread of a little boy. Then again teenagers could sound just as deep. It was hard to tell, and he refused to give her any extra brownie points. The fact remained that she was here–in his train only a shade side of alive while her brother was elsewhere worrying for her return to his side.

Totally selfish!

The dealer continued to slurp irritated at the spoonful of hot tomato soup shoved into his mouth without really tasting them. The only moment that gave him pause was when the voice crackling across the span of god knew where–inquired about coming to rescue the little Bandit Queen.

HELL. NO.

He nearly turned and said as much but Alpha Minx was already there telling her brother she would return on her own. Well that solved at least one problem. Only now that meant he was going to be alone in his train with a strange woman who still might die if he didn’t keep an eye on her–which given his anger right then wasn’t exactly on the top of his “Can’t-Wait-To-Do” list. She was still basically a mouthy little baggage and now he knew she didn’t have the sense of a flea to stay close to home…

Or look after her brother properly.

“Don’t thank me.” he said grimly, looking at her again over his shoulder as if he wanted to say more and then shaking his head and turning away. “You still gotta rock on your head, and might die yet. You topsiders don’t got a lick of sense. Brother worried for you and you’re gallivanting around playing Amazon.”

He went back to eating his soup, letting an angry tense silence fall. On some level he knew he was being unfair. The Alpha Minx didn’t know he had once had a sister or that the same fool’s quest this woman had been at was likely just as risky as whatever noona and umma had done that had resulted in their bites. Why had she even been in his station at all if not for some dumb material reason. He wanted to continue to ignore her but he had to know…

“Was it worth it? What ever it was you took?” He wasn’t even about to believe that what ever was in her pack and had gotten her stabbed had originally belonged to her.

[jihyoxtlou]

Her face twitched in anger, her trademark fury washing over her hot and familiar. Gallivating? Playing around? Like she didn’t care for Joongki, like she would let him get hurt because she was too selfish, too irresponsible.

She steeled her face smooth again, smooth like the sharp side of a knife. It didn’t matter what this stupid kid thought of her. It didn’t matter. Joongki... Joongki knew she would protect him. He knew she was only doing this to take care of him. That everything she did was to take care of him. Right? Right. So what did it matter what some crazy kid who hadn’t seen sunshine in years, living like some kind of psychotically unstable recluse thought of her? Nothing.

She didn’t have to defend her honor to him. She only had to stay alive to go back to Joongki. Even so, his next question pissed her right off again and she snapped back. “It’ll keep him alive.”

And that was worth everything to her, anything at all. She would prefer to stay with him at all times, but the world just didn’t work that way. He wouldn’t want her to anyway. Once, maybe, but not anymore. Now all she could do for him was make sure he had enough food and gear to survive, make sure she had enough medicine stored to take care of him. She already failed at keeping him sheltered and safe, she couldn’t fail this.

She took a breath, reminding herself that giving away how much Joongki meant to her wasn’t a very bright idea, right now. She didn’t believe love was a weakness, but she believed it to be a weapon. A weapon anyone could easily yield against you, if you let them.

“How about I worry about my family, hm? I wouldn’t want to strain your obviously abundant empathy,” she cooed sarcastically, giving him a saccharine sweet (and lopsided) smile.

[tlou-sanggil-blog]

Try and teach me | Sang Gil + Jihyo

[tlou-sanggil-blog]

[...]

“Go Sang Gil. I’m not normally a student, so this is going to be interesting. I think.” He said with a soft tone.

Usually he was the teacher, not the student, and this situation seemed fun to him, like a new game he would get on Christmas day. The things he learned, he used to learn it by himself but books weren’t good at teaching combat and martial arts and trying by himself did seem like a good idea when he almost broke his leg trying to bend it a way his body wouldn’t allow. What a shame. But this teacher-student game was a necessity if he wanted to keep surviving. He’ll play good student for a while to quickly get back to his business in peace and continue avoiding people.

[jihyoxtlou]

Jihyo raised a single eyebrow and gave the boy a small, amused smile. Oh, one of those then. The harsh, edgy ones, grown up thinking that strength and rudeness was the same thing. Well, she had faced much worse things than a moody teenager thinking he was the top dog around.

Time for lesson One.

Without warning, she grabbed her hunting knife and shifted her weight forward, snapping the knife less than an inch short of his jugular. She studied his reaction, the way he was too late to react, more like a flinch than a block or even a dodge. She smirked slowly, deliberately, lowering her knife in the same way.

“Yes, I think it’s going to be quite interesting,” she fired back. “Here’s the thing: People are going to make you wait and no one cares if you hate it. Try not to get killed while waiting. I think we’ll have to work plenty on that.”

She smoothly chucked her knife back into its holster on her thigh, confident she had shown the kid that attitude would not be allowed. Only the strong got to do as they wanted, and right now she was stronger than him. Right now, she had the power. Not that minor attitude truly bothered her. She’d learned long since not to take anything at all personal. People lashed out to cope, to make sense of the world around them. She didn’t believe it, but many had mistakenly told themselves it was better not to be kind, not to let people get close.

“Let’s get your stance right, first, before we do anything else.”

She sunk in a casual standing position, feet about shoulder length apart, knees bend slightly, back straight. She explained how to do it, what to take care of, and then ordered him to do the stance himself, straightening up to look at him. And just because she could and vaguely remembered it from movies, she’d brought a large stick to correct his stance with.

[yugisoo]

Crossfire - Jihyo + BamBam

[yugisoo]

[...]

“I was having some trouble with some infected earlier on while trying to pass through, so I tried looking for help and ended up meeting some guy on the road. He promised to help me, but for him to do it he made me….” BamBam drifted off, scratching the back of his neck as he watched her continue her work. He didn’t know if she was listening or not, but seeing her slightly tilt her head to the side and position is so that her ear was facing him gave him reassurance to continue his story. “I was put in debt by him in return that I had to kill a couple of bandits. I agreed, and when I went ahead to do the deed I realized that there was definitely more than one, or two,” he paused as he smiled sheepishly, remembering how she had saved him, “or 15, as you saw.” Letting the smile fall from his face, he dropped his hand to his side and lightly sighed, glancing around quickly. “Basically, I was tricked, long story short. So, here I am.” He swung his arms back and forth carelessly, watching as she stood up again and faced him. Her face looked slightly relaxed now, although not less serious, and he thought he saw her chuckle, but she turned around quickly before he could know. Turning his head to the side, he looked down past the gap and over to where a small outer street lay, and he swore he saw a flicker of movement crawling it’s way around the bend before it was gone, and BamBam swallowed, looking back at the woman.

[jihyoxtlou]

“You were tricked,” she repeated, incredulous. He had been looking for help? Surely this kid must know that help didn’t come free, or safely. It must’ve been crowded if he accepted help at all.

She finished taking whatever useful stuff she could find, loading her backpack and slinging it back over her shoulder. She stood up and gave the kid a humorous look. “You shouldn’t trust strangers, didn’t your mommy tell you that much, kid? Be more careful next time.”

But BamBam seemed to be distracted by something at the ground. Infected? More bandits? Whatever it was, Jihyo didn’t want to stand around to find out. With the noise they made, they should start moving.

Once more without a word, she glanced around the rooftops and opened the door the to downstairs, quickly descending the stairs. The kid could follow her if he wanted, she would keep him safe, but if he’d rather go his own way that was fine with her too -- she had gotten everything she would out of their interaction. He wasn’t in immediate danger anymore, she could just --

She sighed. No, she couldn’t. She couldn’t just let this kid go on his own.

“Follow me,” she said, already half-way down the stairs, eyes darting around to take in their surroundings, the flicker of movement that no doubt indicated either people or runners.

Perhaps they could salvage on the cars? It was risky, but... that would give them an advantage -- and her a car. Worth the shot. They’d have to get out one way or another. She waved the boy over.

“Let’s make for the cars, I can drive us out of here.”

[jihyoxtlou]

.dried up hopes .joongki

[13xjingoo]

Something awful and ugly was working its way through Joongki’s gut, and he didn’t know what to do. He and Jihyo–he could count on a single hand the number of times they’d fought, really fought, not just teased each other. And it felt like they were headed for a fight that he didn’t know how to stop.

Joongki shook his head. “I want to work for him, noona.” He was surprised at how vehement he sounded, but he kept going. “And you shouldn’t have to take care of me all on your own. I’m old enough to help.”

Did Jihyo really think he was so–so stupid, that he couldn’t decide things on his own? Did she really think that he was so easily manipulated like that, that Sukjin could persuade him to something he didn’t want to do? Was he so useless that she didn’t think he could work to help keep them both alive?

Joongki crossed his arms, trying to keep the sick feeling welling up inside him from spilling out. He didn’t quite succeed. “This is why we came here, isn’t it?”

[jihyoxtlou]

No, it wasn’t. They came here because they needed food, they needed shelter against the cold and the Military wouldn’t have taken them in. If a bandit group along the way had picked them up and given them the same things, she would’ve stayed there.

She could argue that, of course, but she knew that he had taken it seriously, that to him food and shelter was second to this childish revenge he wanted. She knew that he had inherited that same Song-stubbornness that had kept her alive, that had kept her walking when her body screamed at her to lay down and give up.

There was only one thing that could convince Joongki now, only one thing that could get him to do anything. The very same thing that would lead him to recklessly risk his life, would be the thing the protect it. He wouldn’t live for her, but he’d live for a ghost. Fine. So be it. Jihyo was nothing if not adaptable, flexible, pragmatic.

That was why she lived and her mother was nothing but ashes in a stranger’s lungs by now. To her, love was a verb, love was power. All is fair in love and war, you see, because they are the same thing. To love someone is to wage war against everyone else, to defy every reason, to fight despair. To love was to fight.

Their mother never understood that. To her love was the end, not a means. What was love if you wouldn’t use it? And so she would. She would wield it like a weapon, like everything else.

“We came here to live, Joongki.”

She glanced back to where Sukjin was pretending to be busy to give them time, and then looked back at Joongki, studying his face.

“Don’t make me lose you like I lost mom. Please, I -- I can’t lose you too.”

(and that much was true, at least.)

[tlouxwoohyun-deactivated2016121]

Benefit of the doubt | Woohyun x Jihyo

[tlouxwoohyun-deactivated2016121]

The way she was defending Song Jihyo showed that she was in fact Song Jihyo, the woman Woohyun had been looking for, the thief that had stole his stash. He thought it pathetic that she was pretending to take offense at him calling her a thief when she was nothing but a thief.

The weapon dealer was a little aggravated that she was pretending to have no idea who he was, but maybe she did indeed not know him and had stolen from a stranger. It would not surprise Woohyun, since she would definitely not be the only person in this world that stole from strangers. He had to admit that he had done it himself a couple of times, mostly because he hadn’t even realised the place was still occupied (occupied and abandoned places sometimes looked so much alike).

“I’m Nam Woohyun,” Woohyun greeted with a soft nod of his head. “And I’m looking for the stuff Song Jihyo allegedly has in her possession at the moment. I would like to meet the woman so I can verify this rumour,” he explained, not shaken by the gun that was pointed at his head, the sudden change of the woman’s tone or the curse words that flowed from her lips.

[jihyoxtlou]

Oh, look at that, how edgy. Truly renegade. But she wasn’t here to play and she aimed carefully, firing right next to him, enjoying seeing him jump in surprise. She slowly, deliberately aimed the gun at him, but kept her finger off the trigger.

“You met her. Now, tell me one thing, Nam Woohyun, if I had truly stolen your shit -- do you honestly believe you’d still be standing there?” She had a loaded gun pointed at him since the moment they met. If she had stolen his shit, she’d be very sure to not give him the chance to just stand there and talk to her like that. And if she’d been anyone else, she could’ve just shot him anyway and taken those fancy looking weapons.

“Who gave you this information in the first place, because I think you need to go home and get yourself some better connections that don’t spew so many lies.”

[jihyoxtlou]

.despite this cruel world .jongkook .flashback

[tlouxjongkook-blog]

[...]

“I’ll try to jump over first, and then you can use that to cross over afterwards,” he explained, tossing his backpack over to the other side of the escalator. With a deep breath he leaped over, and would have succeeded if the metal structure did not crack, thus causing him to lose his footing as something broke off and dropped down onto the ground below. 

He hurriedly held onto the side of the escalator for support, barely clutching on as his feet dangled in the air. He probably wouldn’t die if he did fall off, but getting his bones broken wasn’t something he wanted either. Gathering his strength, he managed to heave himself upwards in one go, and never felt so alive when he felt himself standing on something solid. There were a few scratches and cuts on his arms, some of them slightly bleeding but he ignored the stinging and looked back at Jihyo.

“I think it should be safe to go on from now,” he remarked and laughed awkwardly, and then gestured to the plank. “Throw the rope to me, will you? I’ll tie the other end to the pillar over there so that it’s stable enough for you to cross.” 

[jihyoxtlou]

She gasped, nearly dropping the wooden plank to cover her mouth to muffle her shriek. She bit her lip instead, eyes wide as Jongkook dangled in the air. She wanted to reach out, or help him, or do -- anything, really, remembering how she fell earlier, how terrified it was sinking through the air, tumbling through the dark. But he didn’t need her help at all, he just pulled himself back up. He didn’t even seem all that fazed.

“Are you okay?”

She blinked at him, almost confused. It all happened so fast and he just... he just got up again, like it didn’t matter the escalator broke down. She glanced down -- safe? It didn’t seem very safe.

But it wasn’t like she could just stand around like this forever either. So she threw him the rope carefully, putting the wooden plank over the gap as he tied the rope and signalled it should be fine. She swallowed against the racing of her heart and nodded to herself, crossing determinedly. The wooden plank creaked dangerously. The sound got worse and she jumped the last part as the plank snapped in two, tumbling and stretching her arms out to break her fall -- but the metal never hit her hands, instead  feeling only the soft fabric of a shirt.

The very same shirt she’d been clinging too earlier. She blinked again, almost confused, a blush creeping over her cheeks as she realized Jongkook had caught her and she’d stumbled face first into his chest. It struck her again how warm he felt -- did all boys feel so warm? Cuddling up to Joongki for sleeping was also warm, but somehow this was a little... different.

She slowly untangled her fingers from his shirt, suddenly embarrassed, her heart beating in her throat too fast for her to speak. She coughed awkwardly.

“L-Let’s go...”

Let’s just pretend she didn’t just do that. It was too embarrassing to dwell on.

[tlouxjongkook-blog]

the only light || jk&jh

[tlouxjongkook-blog]

[...]

He smiled adoringly back at her, reaching out to intertwine their fingers together, his thumb gently stroking the back of her hand in a circle. 

“You’re the one who dropped your own food, not me,” he joked teasingly, gaze somewhat skimming at the meat as he roasted it above the fire, but most of the time more preoccupied at staring her with a smitten look like a fool in love. He was a fool for her, indeed.

As the fire crackled in the background, silence washed over them both. It wasn’t awkward, but rather, it was the comfortable kind of quiet calmness, as though they were in deep thoughts. All he had in his mind was how he wanted time to temporarily stop for now so that he could spend more time with her. Shortly after, it didn’t take long for the meat to be fully cooked, as he tried to cool it down a little first before passing to her. 

“Here’s your food, and don’t drop it again,” he grinned, handing the meat to her, but not before stealing a quick kiss from her first. 

[jihyoxtlou]

She was glad he didn’t continue question her. Maybe he had accepted her lie, maybe he hadn’t noticed it was one. It didn’t matter, she wouldn’t let it matter.

Her own eyes strayed to their entwined hands -- how long had it been since someone did something as simple as hold her hand? Since someone looked at with something else than fear or wariness in their eyes? The look of admiration and trust he was giving her was almost too much.

She wasn’t... she wasn’t the girl she’d once been. An innocent, scared, sweet girl with a kind heart, clean hands. Her hands now were stained with blood, blood of kids barely old enough to call themselves men.

Well. That didn’t matter either.

She looked up when he spoke again, about the food, kissing him back easily and then taking her food.

“Yah... what was I supposed to do when you surprise me like that?” She gave him a playful punch to the shoulder. How could he blame her after springing that on her? She hadn’t exactly expected to be kissed like that by the one person that had held her heart for so long. She ate half of her meat and then offered him a few bites too. 

[tlou-sanggil-blog]

Try and teach me | Sang Gil + Jihyo

[...]

And now he had to go see a supposedly assigned teacher and learn how to fight. All he could think of was Why. Why would a spy need to fight? He just got into trouble, sure, but it’s a small mistake. And the price to pay was painful, but not too much; he went through worst before joining the Firefly. And to quite honest, Sang Gil always though his brain was better than his muscle. Any situation could be avoided with a good plan. Sometimes, his plans just weren’t that good and being physically hurt were the consequences.

He sighed pettishly while walking. If someone saw him rage like that, they would think he was human after all and not just an emotionless shell with long hair. He was supposed to meet with his teacher outside, at a very specific spot in the firefly territory – no need to put them in danger for no reason in the free zone. Once there he crossed his arms and waited in silence, trying to not let any anger show on his face.

[jihyoxtlou]

Jihyo had made a habit of picking up any and all odd jobs she could -- and with her latest trip outside ending with her tumbling down broken escalators and meeting strange mole boys, she’d decided to stay home for a while. Still, she had to make sure that they had enough ration cards, that at the end of the day, Joongki was fed and safe. So she’d accepted a job to teach some kid the basics of hand to hand combat, since apperantly he’d survived long enough without it but it had finally caught up with him. Lucky bastard.

Personally, Jihyo loved martial arts and close combat. It just felt more right. If you were going to take a man’s life, she wanted to do it up close, to be united in that struggle, equal and bare of any pretenses. In a close fight to the death, everyone was equal, everyone was the same. Nothing matter, no alliances, no names, no past deeds, no future worries, nothing, there was nothing but your breathing and your pounding heart, the adrenaline and blood trashing through your veins, every fibre of your being wanting nothing but life.

It was too easy to forget what taking another man’s life cost you with a gun. It was so easy, so detached, just a cold movement of the finger and it was over. That wasn’t how people should go. There was no fight against a bullet to the back of the head. It felt like execution, every time. No victory at all.

She saw a kid with crossed arms waiting for her on the designated spot. She gave him a grin.

“Song Jihyo,” she introduced herself. “You are Sanggil, I assume? My future student?”

[jihyoxtlou]

.red in my ledger .cnu

[tlouxcnu-deactivated20161201]

[...]

A chain reaction of shattering despair streamed through his brain. He heard nothing else the woman might have tried to say, as he fought to breathe–to control it. Forget them. Forget her “brother”. His voice was icy as winter, once he had finally gotten control back once more to speak. “You’re a selfish woman.”

With those four little words that were more like ice cubes than speech he walked over and snatched up his radio. Walking back to the carefully mended woman on covers he set the radio down slowly trying very hard to get his temper to cooperate. This was not his problem. He would feed her and then put her out so he didn’t have to think of the past she reminded him of.

He said nothing more to her then. The little Bandit Queen has cashed all her credit with him with her words. He didn’t even explain the radio and how to use it. Instead CNU focused his attention on stuffing those dark feelings and memories he hadn’t allowed himself to touch for years back deep inside and blocked them out of his mind again.

He focused on the soup.

Soup did not have brothers. He tasted it. Soup couldn’t betray you or call itself family but then leave you all alone to the fates. The soup need more oregano. Oregano was safe to think about, he decided and added a few pinches more–stirring safety into the simmering pot. Tasted again. It was much better that time, the smell of the tomatoes and spices comforting him once more.

He ladled soup into a bowl for her, and brought that over–leaving it at her elbow with a spoon and flat simple bread he regularly made. Determinedly oblivious to her, he resolutely ate with his back to her with his nose directed to the darkest corner of the subway car opposite her recovery area.

[jihyoxtlou]

Selfish?

Well, maybe she was. She wanted to keep Joongki safe and for that she’d do anything. Safe -- not even happy -- safe. That was the best she could do. That was the only thing she could do. So she got herself in all kinds of trouble for that, and she knew he hated that. Yet, she kept doing it, time and time again, because what else could she do? What was love if it didn’t do anything? 

She knew Joongki would be worried, that he’d flip out if he heard she was hurt. That’s okay, she just had to downplay her injuries. It would be fine. It would all be okay.

She fiddled with the radio, realizing belatedly that something must have really set Mole Boy off. He was now treating her like she wasn’t even there, that friendly hostility gone and replaced with something much colder. Whatever. That could wait. Joongki first. (Joongki always first.)

She managed to make the thing work, blinking against her exhaustion, taking careful, slow bites of her soup. Song Jihyo to Firefly base, over. Soup. Song Jihyo to Firefly base, over. Soup. Maybe it was useless, maybe the damn thing didn’t even work. But that one shot at hearing Joongki, at reassuring him, she had to try, she had to take it, so she tried again, and again, and then through the static a weary, confused, upset voice.

Noona? Noona, it’s Joongki here, over.

His voice hit her harder than her earlier adrenaline crash and she swallowed hard against the way her throat restricted. Her knuckles turned white over the radio and she blinked against her blurry vision.

Yeah, it’s your noona. I got hurt, but I’m okay. I -- give me a few days and I’ll be back home, okay? ... Over.

The radio cracked in static. He seemed so far away and for the first time in days she felt so awfully lonely. It would be okay. She’d see him again. She’d return to him.

Noona, where are you? I’ll come get you. Over.

She smiled almost sadly at the radio. She couldn’t allow that, of course, she doubted Mole Boy would appreciate that.

It’s okay, Joongki, I’ll be home soon. Don’t worry. Over.

It continued like that for a bit, a back and forth until Joongki agreed that he’d just wait for her. Worried about the battery she reluctantly ended the conversation, looking back at Mole Boy.

“... Thanks.”

[aseaofquotes]

Clarice Lispector, The Hour of the Star

[jihyoxtlou]

.dried up hopes .joongki

[13xjingoo]

That morning, the offer to let him begin working for the patrol teams would have been something he leaped at without a second thought. But it wasn’t, not now, not when Sukjin had just offered him what Jihyo promised.

We’ll finish what Mom started, that’s what she had said, that’s what he clung to when everything else seemed to slip through his grasp. We’ll finish what Mom started–so why was she trying to back out of that promise now? Didn’t Jihyo love their mother just as much as he did? She had to–Jihyo, she loved fiercely, with everything she had, so it was impossible that she didn’t want to get revenge on the Military.

Wasn’t it?

But Jihyo shut down Sukjin’s attempt at persuasion quickly, even though Sukjin was offering Joongki everything he wanted. Everything they wanted.

Right?

Sukjin could only offer an apologetic smile before he went back to the food. Joongki should have gotten out the bowls and chopsticks, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. He could only look at his sister, standing there with her arms folded, determined to cut him loose from the anchor she had given him.

“I don’t want the patrols,” Joongki said. His voice came out quieter than he expected, quiet enough that Sukjin rummaging through their cupboards for dishes was almost too loud. He swallowed and forced himself to speak louder. “I want to do something to hurt the Military, noona.”

[jihyoxtlou]

Jihyo actually balked at that, at his protest. Joongki never protested her, trusting her to know what was best. Why was he doing that now? What did he know of the real world, of the sacrifices he would have to make in order to hurt the military? It wasn’t worth it, it just wasn’t worth it.

She crossed her arms, frowning, unsure what to do with this... defiance. It terrified her, even is if his voice was quiet and subdued. The very fact he’d considered it important enough to protest...

“You’ll be protecting us if you take patrols, isn’t that more important?”

Who cares about hurting, about killing, about revenge? It was such a useless sentiment. She had never meant a single word of it, just saying it because it was the only thing Joongki reacted to. There was no use in spilling blood for blood already spilled, to kill to avenge the dead.

The dead were dead and they would remain dead. Or gone, at least, whatever made them human would be gone, even if they would work around as the cordyceps grew all over their brains and faces. What did it matter to their mother now what they did? Her blood had been cleared from the street, her body burned probably, maybe rotten in a ditch somewhere, pulled apart -- it didn’t matter, she wasn’t here, she couldn’t have an opinion on the matter anymore.

Their mother was dead and Joongki was alive, and she needed to keep it that way.

Sukjin subtly disappeared out of the room, setting the table in the other area.

She lowered her voice so he couldn’t hear.

“Don’t be an idiot, Joongki, he’s just telling you some bullshit propaganda to get you to work for him. I’ve got our rations cards covered, okay, you don’t need to worry about anything. They won’t kick us out.”

[yugisoo]

Crossfire - Jihyo + BamBam

[yugisoo]

[...]

“…Jihyo.”

That was what caught his attention, and his eyes flashed in the light for a second as he absorbed the fact that she had trusted him enough to tell her that piece of information, well no, it could be a lie, but he didn’t really care as long as he could call her by something. He thought for a moment, should he return the favor? Giving away this information could be a death-sentence, you may not think so, but if this woman was working with the military and she knew his name then he would be a goner. He was a wanted man, and if he gave his name away to her and trusted her, he could be a dead one too.

Fuck it.

“BamBam.” BamBam said, choosing to give her his nickname for safety reasons, and also because his full name was more than long enough. Gulping slightly, he turned his entire body to face her as he stepped closer, yet to the side as to show that he wasn’t threatening and merely wanted to get away from the bodies. The woman nodded appreciatively and turned, letting her gun hang at her side as she surveyed the area for a way out. 

[jihyoxtlou]

“BamBam,” she repeated, trying it out, testing it. Clearly a nickname of sorts. She eyed him when he walked closer, but then he stepped aside slightly, obviously not wanting be be a threat. She gave him a court nod to signal he better not be.

She surveyed their area. They would have to leave quickly, the gunshots had no doubt attracted the Infected. Soon the place would be overrun. Still, she wanted those weapons and those bullets -- surely a good deed should not go unpaid.

How to get there though? She looked around, settling on starting to undo the screw on the door that lead to the roof, it would suffice as a bridge.

“So, how about you tell me what all this mess is about, BamBam?” she said casually, seemingly paying little attention to him. He was out of immediate danger, she was no longer responsible for him. Still, she kept an eye on him to make sure he wouldn’t get any strange ideas, or think somehow that he could take her on in a fight.

She would shut that down real quick.

She finally unhinged that door, as the boy seemingly hesitated on telling her the story.

“Well?” she prompted, impatient, as she smacked the door over the gap between the houses, crossing it and starting to collect the weapons, checking the magazines for bullets.

[gaminginsanity]