Twenty-five is a unique age. For many people at this stage of life, there's been a straightforward path up until this point. High school led to college, and college led to a first job in the real world. And then all of a sudden, there's no obvious direction. Quarter-life crisis it is, indeed.
At some point of my life, I have been thinking about my purpose, my path and my life-long plans. I envy how some people are so sure of their life by 25 or even before 25! Some of my friends and batch mates within the 20-25 age groups have already decided what they want to do in their lives. Some settled of becoming a mom and a housewife; some pursued further studies; some decided to move halfway across the world; some were just happy to stay where they are; some are already financially stable and successful in their careers; and some are still undecided, unstable, and does not know yet what purpose do they serve, what path to take or where to start in all the plans they made – and I guess I belong to this “some”.
I wonder how they do that. The options are overwhelming, and it's hard to know which path to choose or when and where to start or what plan and what part of the plan should I pursue or achieve first. And in this crossroads, financial matters joined the dilemma. Financial matters really matters for me since I am the eldest, hence I have to help my family first and at the same time pursue my career and join the race of becoming financially stable. Lucky for those eldest that were born in silver spoon, they are privileged enough to think about their career, personal crisis and mental health alone. Me, as an Asian first-born of a poor family, I have to help and support my family. And you know what? It’s kinda hard to balance your finances for yourself and for your family. But I’m still working my ass hard even if it’s difficult and painful. Maybe that is what ates do.
At the start of this year 2021, I already have been thinking that I am already turning 25. It kind of bothered me because duh I’m getting old. LOL. Kidding aside, I have been thinking that I’m still unsuccessful and unstable tita and daughter at my age. I kind of felt futile and stagnant even if I am continuing my education up to this moment.
A month before today, I have been anxious that I may not able to have a birthday that I planned. But after weeks of contemplation, I realized that birthdays that magically allow me to have some fun without thinking of the work/classes tomorrow or the money I spent for booze that I should have spent for something useful and fun-week with a drink-and-party-till-you-die combo are way too fancy & pricy and I cannot afford to waste my working hours again for fun. All I can afford is to have future plans and back-up plans for me and my career.
25 days before my 25th, my why’s and what if’s played tag in my mind. Like why am I being stagnant? Why does my plans do not go as they should? Why don’t I see a progress in me? What if I have taken a different path? What if I have gone to abroad? What if I have taken the good job opportunities offered to me? What is wrong with me? Am I not capable enough or skillful enough? Am I that dull and dolt? How can I support my family if I’m unstable? I was so anxious that I have been unmotivated to do my works and I just want to stay at my room. Indeed, when evil messes up with our minds everything breaks down into pieces.
10 days before my 25th, a strong typhoon came and cut off the electricity. Since there was nothing to do, I used my spare time on my studies and my journaling instead on the social media or Netflix. Journaling really helps! It eased the burden I had of feeling unmotivated. And it helped me refocus on my goal. There I realized I have made a lot of backlogs (which I am working on up to this day lol).
A day before my birthday, I am grateful that I was able to read a passage from the bible which my closest friend sent on our chat group from Isaiah 28:29 which say “The plans God makes are wise, and they always succeed.” There I realized that all this time of whining like a baby about my failed plans I forgotten that God has bigger plans prepared for me. I have been too focused on myself and my own plans alone and forgot that God has His story written for me. That bible verse was very timely and life-saving. I think that was the best gift I have received before turning 25. It saved me from the troubles and anxiety I felt all throughout the year.
I spent the last day of my 24th year here on earth contemplating about my achievements and failures. It may have felt off lately, but now I have taken to my heart and mind that my small steps matter. I have been too haste in reaping the fruit of my labor that the fruit isn’t ripe yet for picking because I was already turning 25 and that I want to achieve something better when I turn 25 for me and my family. But my pace is different from other people’s pace. This isn’t a race of who achieved something first rather it is my growth that matters. I know I’m kind of immature for thinking such way and for letting my why’s and what if’s play with my mind and my heart. But discerning these before I turn 25 is kind of a mature-thingy (well, for me tho).
Maybe all of these happened for me to realize that indeed, everything happens for a reason and also God’s way of telling me “wait until it is ready.” Until then, I’ll continue to work hard and work passionately to realize my dreams. Like Taylor Swift has said “I’m not a princess and this aint a fairy tale.” I won’t just sit and wait under an apple tree for it to bear apples and let it fall unto my mouth. I will water my hard work and bring into sunlight my volition to be better, do better, and live better.
So happy birthday to me! Yea, I just turned 25 today! And I'm trying to figure out how to claim this age yet–with God. This is only the start of my quarter-life crisis and I am happy that I am starting this quadranscentennial period glittering with peace of mind and peace in my heart.
For my birthday wish this year, I just wish and pray to have a successful career and to live happily at my heart’s content with God guiding me. Praying that God will grant me these. In God’s will and in God’s perfect time. Amen.
