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@jocelyn-hannah
I’ve been invited to go to freaking California with my old uni (worked there for a year after graduation and still close with people who work in my department) on a field trip, it’s a week long trip including (amongst other things) 2 days in Disney, 1 day in Wizarding World of Harry Potter which happens to be…ON MY BIRTHDAY
Seriously I don’t know what to do, not really sure I can say no???????
So glad I didn’t say no
Even more glad, 5 years later, I didn't say no
Today my best and oldest friend got married and I couldn't be there due to Covid and it has been the most bittersweet day of my life. I am elated for Nicole and so very, very sad for myself. And I feel guilt for my sadness, but I shan't apologise for it because having to wave your best friend off when she leaves for her wedding and not being able to go with is fucking horrible and sad.
15/10/2020
This is gonna sound really weird, but hear me out
Have you ever had that thing when you see something and it triggers a past memory, but an incomplete one? So like you get a notion of familiarity and know that you’ve seen/heard/experienced that thing in some form before, but you can’t quite form together the whole image of the memory?
I’ve had that. With a sandwich.
Yesterday I saw a photo of a sandwich, a salt beef and pickle sandwich (which I believe is called a Rueben in the US) and the bread was marbled dark and white bread, I’m presuming rye.
And it triggered a memory of a film/tv show/something like that of someone eating a sandwich on the same bread. I’m sure since I saw that I haven’t seen a photo of a similar sandwich since because yesterday the memory got triggered and now all I really care about is placing exactly WHERE and WHAT ON I saw the person eating a sandwich on the same bread.
So if anyone can think of any video footage that I could have seen years and years ago of someone (I think a man) eating a sandwich on dark and white marbled-type bread then please tell me because this ridiculous situation is driving me absolutely crazy.
I wrote this post OVER SIX YEARS AGO and whilst scrolling back through my Tumblr to reminisce just now I read this and IMMEDIATELY knew the memory. It was an episode of House. House eats a sandwich on marbled bread. I’ll try to find a photo tomorrow. Ahhhhh this is incredibly gratifying!!!!!!! Brains are weird. A weight lifted. I have solved the Great Sandwich Mystery of 2014.
30/3/2020
Nope. I was wrong. It wasn't house. It was BORAT. We are watching it right now and there it was in front of me. 2/10/2020, the end.
I do this survey every few years, leaving my original answers there! Ages 15, 18, 21, 23 and now 28.
adjective1.(of a person or their behaviour) unconventional and slightly strange. What did you have for breakfast? - Cereal - Nothing - Two hot cross buns - Une banane - No breakfast but I did have leftover Jai Ho curry for lunch
Who do you love? - My cats and my tortoise and my friends - My cats and my tortoise and my family and a few other special people - My cats and my tortoise and my family and my friends and my Stuart - Ditto - My cats (although now my cats are Timmy and Hugo and I no longer live with them) and my tortoise and my family and my friends AND JUNO and Stuart
Where were you born? - Barking - Barking still :P - Still Barking - Come on now - Don’t be silly
Where are you? - My room - Living room - E4 at uni. I know when I do this in a few years when I’ve left uni reading this will totally devastate me. (You had an amazing evening Future Jocy, you spent it with Amy, Emma, Nasima, Jess and Lucy singing to strangers on Chat Roulette and eating pizza) - OH MY GOD, THAT WAS TWO YEARS AGO. I’m gonna cry. I’m in my room and I just spent the day with the people above, for the first time since graduation a year and a half ago. We all love eachother very much still. You had an amazing day, Future Jocy. Please please can this still be the case when I next answer these questions :’( - Do not fear, past Jocy. It is now nearly 7 years since graduation. You see the uni girls (except Jess) often, you still talk every day, you love them to death still and they are all going to be your bridesmaids soon. Mission accomplished. I’m in my living with Stuart and Juno, in our house that we own.
Where do you wish you were? - London - I’m cool with being here - I actually don’t think I could be happier anywhere else - At Stuart’s - I’m okay here for now but we are in isolation due to coronavirus so I just generally wish we could go ANYWHERE
Are you happy with your life? - Erm I’d say yeah. Mostly - Pretty much :D - Yes - What 15 year old Jocy said - I really can’t (and shouldn’t) complain
Do you cry a lot? - Sometimes - Haha yeah - Not too much! - I think I do - I don’t think so
Do you make people angry? - All the time - I’d say pretty regularly to be honest - A few people make me very angry, but not many people do - Stupid people who don’t let people off the train first do - Oh most definitely
Do you like who you are? - I like WHO I am as in personality. But not looks - Yeah I could be worse! - I do quite I think :D - I could be worse - I’m okay. It’s sad when I was 15 that I didn’t like my looks.
Are you random? - Yup - No. No one who says they’re random is random because EVERYONE says they’re random so it just contradicts the whole concept of randomness. - I must agree with my 18 year old self on this one - Ditto past Jocy - I think we’re about 13 years past the time when we used to call ourselves random
Do you like the cold? - If it is in Austria - Yeah as long as it’s sunny too and preferably in Austria - Again, 18 year old me was correct - I love cold sunniness, like today. It was bitterly cold and sunny the whole time. Perfect - I still love the cold, especially when it is cold and sunny. I miss snow, I miss mountains
Do you like the heat? - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah
Aren’t thunderstorms awesome? - Absolutely - Hellz to the yeah - They are fine - I do like a thunderstorm I must admit - They are very okay
Do you like to walk in the rain? - Love it - Anything to encourage the Jewfro (Y) - NO it makes me FRIZZY - No and it always rains on a Tuesday when I have to walk to and from the shelter - If I have the appropriate attire
Isn’t walking in the leaves romantic? - Erm..possibly :S - It’s NICE but I wouldn’t necessarily say ROMANTIC - No - No - No
Do you have any one in mind that you want to walk in the leaves with? - Yah - Anyone who’s willing to throw themselves into the big piles of leaves like I’m willing to do. If they’re not willing to do it then I’m going to push them so it’s tough poo really. - No - No - No
Do you like expensive things? - Well it depends. MCR charge $80000 for a bday party gig. So yeah. - Apple. Enough said. - Some things I like are expensive - Yes. - Yes, it is a great shame
Have you been called a slut before? - Yep. - By Joe and Ross I expect. They’re my biggest fans after all -_- - Yes Joe and Ross used to call me a slut. I haven’t been called one in a long time though, what a shame - Ditto above - The above
Did it bother you? - Nope. Dan Pierce said it. So I said “Do you think I am going to take notice of any comment coming from your mouth?” And he just walked off. Prick. - I’m guessing I survived - No - “ - No but in hindsight it is worth acknowledging that it wasn’t a great joke to make
Why do you smile? - Because a reflex reaction happens in which the muscles in my face are pulled upwards due to a feeling of happiness. - Because happy-inducing things happen - Because FUN and HAPPY - Because nice things are nice - The above
What makes you smile? - Friends, London - Friends, holidays, pretty views, ice cream - Uni, friends, Stuart, holidays, ice cream, cheesecake, nail varnish - Cheese - Animals, barbecues, ice cream, concerts, holidays, friends
Do people asking you too many questions in a row bother you? - Depends what the questions are - Not really - Depends what the questions are - ” - “
Why? - Because I’m cool - Because I enjoy talking about myself I suppose :P - Because some things I don’t like being asked about - I think I just got the joke - Can you believe though it took that many years for me to get the joke?
Do you like cameras? - Erm. I guess. - Yessss! My Nikon D5000 <3 - Nikon D5100 <3 - “ - Fuji XT-10
Do you like taking pictures? - Love it - Love it - Love it - ” - Still love it
What is the weather like out side? - Nice :) - Night time and icky - Night time and unseasonably horrible - Subzero and very clear. I will going out to see the meteors soon - It is a very clear night, we saw some stars because the airport is closed due to coronavirus, so there is not much light pollution at the moment. It is cold but not meant to rain. Tomorrow will be warm.
Are you happy you are alive? - Very - Yes - Very - Yes - Very
What or who makes life worth living? - Friends, music, funness - Friends, loltimes, BUBBLES - Lovely people and fun and happy - Cheese - My friends, family, Stuart, pets, having things to look forward to
Do they feel the same about you? - Hopefully… - I like to think so! - I think so! - Mine and cheese’s love is mutual and very much requited - Yes
Do you like looking up at the stars? - Yeah I love it - With Pete on the ski trip, yes (‘: - I love love love it, I have even more of an appreciation for it now I live in London and barely ever get to see them - Yes, hence why I will be going out to look at the meteors soon - Yes, all of the above still applies
Ever wanted to go into a black hole thinking it may take you back in time or forward in time? - Yup - Yesss but I am the 12th Doctor after all - I’d like to go far into the future to find the answers - “ - I agree with all of the above
Ever thought you were in love? - Nope - Hahahaha - Yes I have thought this for the past 2 and a bit years - Yes, 4 years - Yes, 9 years (holy shit, next time I do this survey I think I will be married??)
Do you like puzzles? - Some of them - Not often - No but Stuart totally loves them - Stuart LOVES PUZZLES - No HOWEVER Nicole sent me a Disney puzzle to do to pass the time in isolation, so Stuart and I will do that soon, once we get really bored
How about word searches? - Nope - No - No - No one likes word searches - I really think the only people who like them are 6
Do you like coloring? - Nope - Yeah! - No - Yes I have recently got into colouring! Stuart bought me a colouring book for grown ups and I treated myself to 55 gel pens including sparklies - I haven’t coloured in a while but I have the time now so maybe I should buy some more gel pens
Can you stay in the lines? - Nope - Nope :D -No - Yes I’m totes sophisticated - I am very clever
What do you like better, colored pencils, crayons, or markers? - Markers - Markers - Markers - Gel pens - Gel pens
Can you type fast? - Very - Very very - Very very very - Very very very very - Very very very very very. I did a typing test recently and got 95 words per minute. That is faster than many professional typists.
What have you been labeled? - Grunger, goth, emo, punk, greebo - Grunger, goth, emo, punk, greebo, geek, boffin, Bon Jewcy - Grunger, goth, emo, punk, greebo, geek, boffin, Bon Jewcy, geek, nerd - Token Jew - All of the above
Do you want to move? - Nope - Yeahhh - No but I have to very soon - Yes - Not yet but in the next couple of years. 3 bed please, detached pretty please. I’m delusional.
If yes where do you want to move to? — - To Greece or Austria - NEW YORK - Somewhere with Stuart - At least I did the above!!!!! I would like to live nearer the m25.
How come? — - Things are better in Greece and Austria - Because NEW YORK - Don’t ask stupid questions, it’s very unbecoming of you. - To be able to get home to my parents quicker
Do you think the one you love is taking you over? - Nope - Not in that sense - No - No - What does this even mean
Are you a geek? - I was in year 7 :P - I try to be but fail - Undoubtedly and unashamedly - Not really at the moment - To my very core
Are you good at math? - Average - No - No - No - No
Are you good at history? - HA - No - No - I know about the history that I’m personally interested in - The above
Are you good at English? - Very :D - Used to be - Very - Very - Very good, I miss it
Are you good at science? - Sort of - Used to be - No - Very good considering I haven’t learned it in years - Some things
What other languages do you speak? - French and Hebrew - French and Hebrew - French and Hebrew - The above - The above but very rusty now. I will be doing the Passover Four Questions during our online virtual seder next week.
Can you count in them? - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah
Do you think you are a nice person? - To most - Usually - Yeah - Yeah - Yes I am
What is the worst pain you’ve ever felt? - Ski trip injury. - Ski trip injury, that was HORRIBLE - That, and IBS tummy cramps - Above - The above
Where is your favorite place to be? - Austria - Austria. Or anywhere with my favourite people - New York and E4 - I fucking miss E4 - I still fucking miss E4 to be honest. But it’s probably Disney World. Or New York with Rebecca and Nasima, that was amazing.
Do you want to die? - Dramatically - NEVER ): - NEVER - NO - NOPE I WILL STAY HERE THANK YOU
What did you have for lunch? - Nothing - Nothing - Quiche, wholemeal breadsticks, houmous and taramasalata - Pizza Hut - Leftover curry
What do you have in your cup/bottle? - Wasser - Water - Pepsi Max - Water - Fizzy water from my SodaStream
Do you smoke? - No way - NEVER - Fuck no - Hell to the fuck to the no way - The above
Do you drink? - Occasionally in social situations. But not much. Like, half a beer. XD Hardcoreness - I do sometimes, not often - Very rarely - Occasionally - Sometimes
Do you like swimming? - Yeah - Yeah! - Yessums - Yep - Yep
Have you ever swam in the ocean? - Many a time - Millions of times - BILLIONS of times - Yep - Yep
Swam on the waves? - Yup - Hellz to the yeah - Yeahuh - Yep - Yep
Was it fun? - Very - OHHH YES - TREMENDOUS FUN - SUCH FUN - Yep
Have you ever walked out on the break water to a light house? - Nope - Nope - No - No - Not all the way, but we went towards one in the Scottish Highlands a couple of weeks ago!! That weekend was the last time we were allowed out and about in public, sigh.
Ever been inside the light house? - Nope - Nope - No - No - I have not
Ever climbed rocks? - Yup - Yeah - Yes - Yes - Yes
Was it fun? - Yup - Yeah - Yes - Yes - Yes
Who did you do it with? - Oli, Laura, Jake - Aimee - Oli, Laura, Jake, Aimee, Stuart - Nana and grandpa and Stuart - The above
Did they have fun? - Yup - Yeah - Yeah - Oh they sure did - They’ve never had so much fun in all their lives Do you like the ocean? - Yup - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - More than ever
Why? - It is beautiful and amazing and incredibly vast - It has fishies - Because - Because - Because it’s outside Name two people you miss really badly: - FEARGUS BECAUSE HE IS NEVER ONLINE and Green Day because they are not doing anything atm ¬_¬ - Tom and Pete ): - Eliot and Joe - Everyone at uni and my Israel group - Eliot. He is not my friend anymore. But I still miss him. And all my friends and family
Where are they? - Guildford and Calafornia - Wrexham and wherever Pete lives ): - Southampton and Greenwich - South West London and all over the UK and Israel - Don’t know where Eliot is. My friends and family are all at their respective homes because we are in government-enforced lockdown
Have you lost any one close to you? - Yeah - Well I know where they are… - Probably - I have lost the necklace I bought in Israel - My grandad
Ever witnessed some one dieing? - I saw a charmeleon die… - I saw a chameleon die once - This is true, I did once see a chameleon die - I did, I saw a chameleon die. - I have now seen Lottie and Tom die. I didn’t see grandad die but I saw him dying. And the aforementioned chameleon of course.
Do you know who it was? - Yes. A charmeleon - A chameleon. - It was a chameleon. - I think it was the chameleon - Holy shit, I just realised that all these years I’ve been spelling charmeleon wrong
Ever been to any funerals? - No - No - Yes ): - Yeah. - Yeah
Do you like funerals? - No - No - No - No - They’re the biggest thrill of my life
Are you morbid? - Not often - Sometimes - I try very hard not to be - Apparently I am sometimes - I try not to be
Do you know what the word Exodus means? If so explain: - Yes, it is the second book of Moses - The word “Exodus” means “Exit” and refers to Moses getting the Jews out of the camp of slavery, also known as Egypt. - Good job 18 year old Jocy - I’m right - Clever
Do you know what the word Eccentric means? If so explain: - Yes, it means far out, loony, unusual - Yeah it’s like when you’re a bit mad - I think 15 year old Jocy was closer - See, excellent at English - adjective1.(of a person or their behaviour) unconventional and slightly strange.
Do you know what the word Solitude means? If so explain: - Something today with something. - Loneliness - Lonley - 21 me spelt lonely wrong - Still ashamed of 21 year old me
Do you think you are smart? - In some areas - Not MAJORLY - I TRY :D - Yeah for sure - I am a smarty pants
What grade are you in? - 10 - 13 - Final year of uni which I think translates to YEAR SIXTEEN - I’ve been graduated a year so YEAR EIGHTEEN - I have been graduated for nearly 7 years and I have no bloody clue what grade I would be in
Do you want to go to college? - Nope, uni - Too late for that but I wish I had done - I am nearly finished uni! - I want to go back to uni so badly - I still miss uni
What do you want to be? - ROCKSTAR! Or music journalist - TV presenter - I don’t know but probably something to do with production methinks :D - I still do not have a clue - I still have no clue, which is worrying as I’m nearly 6 years into my marketing career
Do you have a job? - No - Yeah - I am starting a job in September :D - Yep - I do
Do you like it? — - Yeah - I think I shall :D - It is what it is - I do!!!!!!!!
Do you get along with your boss? — - Yeah - I get along with my future boss :D - I get on with on with my manager - Yes but he is an interim boss and is leaving soon. I am someone’s boss now, which is bizarre
Do you get along with your parents? - Sometimes - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - Yes
Do you have any siblings? - A brother - Jake - A Jake - A brother Jake - I still have a Jake
Do you get along with them? - Sometimes - No - No - No - A bit better now
Have you ever been in a fist fight? - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah
Have you ever gotten detention? - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah
Have you ever been suspended? - No - No - No - No - No
Have you ever been expelled? - No - No - No - No - No
How many nicknames you got? - About 5 - Lots - several - Loads - Several
What are they? - Jocy, Joc, Levyj, cleavage, Jocolonf - Jocy, Joc, Clevy, Bon Josey, Bon Jewcy - Jocy, Joc, Knickers, Botty, etc - Jocy, Joc, Botty - Jocy, Joc, Botty
Who gave them to you? - Becca, Beth, family - Family, Joe, Ross - Family, Stuart - ” - The above
Have you ever passed out from being drunk? - Nope - Nope - Nope - “ - Noooooope
Have you ever had sex? - Nope - Nope - AKWARD - What is this thing you speak of - Nope, I am a Catholic Priest
Who was your first? —
- My first what? - ” - Not applicable
If no who do you want to be your first? - I dunno… - What a question! - My first what? - “ - Not applicable
What is your worst habit? - Noseyness - Thinking I’m funnier than I actually am - Hahahaha thinking I’m funnier than I actually am and obsessing over uni work being perfect even when perfection is basically IMPOSSIBLE - Past Jocy, you did well to obsess over your uni work. You got a First. You did the right thing. I don’t know the answer to this - I’m messy
Do you have any animals? - Yep - Yeah - YEP - ” - A menagerie
Are you cold? - No - No - No - No but I will be soon when I go to see the meteors - No, which is a miracle because I’m always freezing these days
Are you happy? - Yeah - Kinda! - YES - Yep I’m fine - I am okay, thank you for asking
Are you sad? - No - No - I’m sad because uni is nearly over ): - I’m fine - I am okay, thank you for asking
Are you confused? - Nope. This must be a first - Not currently - Not right now - Usually - Yes I do tend to be
What time is it? - 14.30 - 21.51 - 23.20 - 00.54 - 23.54, strange
When do you have to go to bed? - Whenever - Half 10. Strict orders of the mother and the Cleaver - Whenever I want because YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME - After I’ve seen the meteors - Whenever I want because I am an adult who is a grown up
Do you believe in magic? - Duh. How else do you explain Harry Potter? - Yes - Yes - No - No
Do you have your own room? - Ya - Yeah - Yes - Yes - Does it count as my own room now that I share it with Stuart???
How many windows are in your room? - 3 - 3 - I’m not sure - 3 - 2
What size bed do you have? - Single - Single - A king size at uni and a double at home - Double - Double
Do you do your own laundry? - Nope - Nope - Ye s but Stuart usually has to help me - Sometimes - Stuart is usually the launderer
Do you want to get married? - Spose - I’m already married :D - Yes that’d be nice - Yeah sure - I do hope so bearing in mind I am getting married in less than a year
Do you want kids? - No way - Non merci - I have nightmares about having children - “ - I still have nightmares about having children, they are very vivid and I wake up in a literal cold sweat. But I have started loving my friends’ babies, which I think is a step forward?
Do you like doing surveys? - Meh - Sure - Yeah they are fine - I’m a bit too tired for this one tbh - I like revisiting this one
Is any one mad at you? - Yep - Probably - Yup - Probably - Probably
What is bothering you right now? - My nails - Tiredness - ESSAY - TIRED - My contact lenses are annoying me quite a bit because it’s late and I’ve stared at a screen most of the day
Who do you truly hate? - Voldermort - Ughhh - UGHHH - Kim Jong Un - Donald fucking Trump and Boris fucking Johnson
Does any one like you? - I dunno - Lots of people like me - Lots of people like me - ” - I think so!
Are you shy? - Not at all - Not as such - I try not to be - “ - I am shy
Have you ever asked any one out? - Nope - Not as such - No - ” - I have not
What?s your relationship status? - Single - Married - In one - “ - Engaged
What is your sexual orientation? - Straight - Straight - Straight - ” - “
What color is your room? - Mauve - Can’t remember, haven’t seen the walls in months - Pale pale teal - “ - It has no colour because we live in a new build and we are not technically allowed to paint yet
What color is your bathroom? - White and turquoise - Bathroom coloured - Bathroom - ” - Grey but the flooring has blue and green too
How many times have you moved? - 1 - 1 - 4 - 6 - 8 I think
Do you like clowns? - Erm… - Not massively - No - No - Not especially
Do you like cheerleaders? - No opinion on this - I’ve met two cheerleaders and they’re both nice - Erm I have no reason not to like them - “ - I do not see why not
Do you like preps? - Ditto - What’s one of them again? - I don’t know what that is - ” - I still don’t know what that is
Have you ever had heat stroke? - Nope - No touch wood - No, touch wood - “ - Not as yet
Do you like going to the beach? - Yup - SEASIDE<3 - YES YES YES - Yeah - Yes please
Who is the last person you went to the beach with? - Parents and bro - Parents - Katie and Sarah <3 - My Israel group - I went to Blizzard Beach in Disney World with my parents and Stuart last year, I miss it
Who is the last person you went to the movies with? - Parents, bro, grandparents, uncle - MANDA <3 - Parentals - Can’t remember - Stuart to see Toy Story 4
Who is the last person you went to the mall with? - No idea - Sazzi - Jonesb :D - Stuart - I have no bloody clue
Who is the last person to call you? - No idea - Mother - Le Stuart - Stuart Mother
Who is the last person to IM you? - Eliot - Joe - Joe - Stuart - Jos
Who is the last person to E-mail you? - Maximo Park - Irregular Choice - Tall Simon - Spam spam spam spam - Anthropologie
Who is the last person you IM?d? - Eliot - Joe - Joe - Stuart - Jos
Who is the last person you E-mailed? - No idea - Lammo - The Michael - Myself - Our mortgage advisor, how depressing
Who is the last person you called? - No idea - Mother - Le Stuart - Stuart - Mother
What do you use to IM? - MSN - MSN - Facebook chat. MSN got shut down last month. I feel OLD - ’‘ - Whatsapp mainly
What is your home page? - Google - Apple Store - Google - Google - Google
How many e-mails do you have? - 62 - Hundreds - Thousands - Loads - Literally tens of thousands
Do you hear voices? - When people are talking I do - When people are talking I do - When people are talking I do - ” - “
Do you see dead people? - No - No - No - “ - “
Do you like to blow bubbles? - YES - OHMYGOD YES - HELL TO THE YES - When I go skiing in 2 weeks I am going to try to freeze some bubble at the top of the mountain - I tried to freeze the bubbles in Lapland but it didn’t work, it was highly disappointing
Have you ever eaten any bubbles? - Yeah…I do not recommend this - NOT ON PURPOSE - Not on purpose - I do not remember when I ever did this, I think I was lying - It sounds like a silly idea
Do you like unicorn horns? - ? - HELLZ YES - … - No - This quiz asked this question before it was a thing to pretend you are obsessed with unicorns
Don?t they taste good? - ? - HELLZ YES - … - No - Don’t be stupid
Do you like candy apples? - No - No - No - No - I’ve still never had one
Do you like cotton candy? - YEAH - Yeah - Not overly - Stuart bought me coconut flavoured candy floss in Budapest in April and it was good - It is okay
Do you enjoy fairs? - No - Haven’t been to one in yonks - No - No - No
Do you like playing with fire? - Yep - It depends - In a safe and controlled environment - ” - “
Have you ever been in an ambulance? - Yep - Yeah, dramatic times - Oh I have - “ - Yes, dramatic scenes
Have you ever had stitches? - Nope - No - No touch wood - ” - No
Have you ever had any ex-rays? - Yep - Yeah - Yup - “ - Yes, most recently 3 weeks ago when I fell down the stairs
Ever had to have surgery? - Nope - No - Not as of yet - ” - “
Who or what were you named after? - Some of my dead relatives. - Relatives - Relatives - “ - Dead people
What is in your nightstand draw? - Makeup - Lots of things - Moisturiser, other things - Junk and contact lenses and my travel diary - Contact lenses and bits and bobs
What is your favorite scent? - Peanut butter - Freshly cut grass, outside just after it rains and books - Freshly cut grass, rain, books, Hollister - Cake and cheese - Fresh cut grass
What is your favorite perfume? - D&G Light blue - D&G Light Blue - Benefit Hooked on Carmella - Vera Wang Pink Princess - I don’t much wear perfume but I still love all of the above. I don’t buy them anymore though as they are not cruelty free
What is your favorite store? - Primark and H&M - Primark, H&M, American Apparel, CyberCandy - Primark, River Island - ” and ASOS - ASOS and Oliver Bonas
Where did you get your clothes you are wearing?
- Maximo gig, H&M - Synagogue on Mitzvah Day and Primark - Dorothy Perkins, Harry Potter Studio Tour, Primark - Primark, Sports Direct and River Island - ASOS and American Eagle
Do you like to go to the mall? - Hate it - Depends who I’m with - It’s fine - “ - I don’t even remember, it’s been so long
What do you fear? - Puke - Getting a terminal illness, forgetting things, failing - Terminal illness, forgetting things, failing, puke - ” - The above plus death
What did you have for supper? - It’s half two… - Fajitas - PIZZA HUT - I had Pizza Hut for lunch! Scrambled eggs and veggie sausages for dinner - Honey roast parsnips and carrots, veggie sausages and graaaavy. Followed my Monty Bojangles truffles that my parents sent us
What is your full birth day? - Tuesday 19th November 1991 - Tuesday November 19th 1991 - See above - “ - “
At what time were you born? - 5am something - I dunno - I always forget - ” - “
How old are you? - 15 - 18 - 21 - 23 - 28
Where do you currently live? - Ongar - Ongar - Twickenham - Ongar - Horley
Do you live near the coast? - 40 mins away - Yeah fairly - In Ongar, yes. In Twickenham, not so much - Yeah pretty close - I live nearish to the South coast these days
What is your favorite month? - Don’t care - Don’t care - Sunny - Sunny - Sunny
What is your favorite season? - Ditto - Ditto - Sunny - Sunny - Sunny
What is your favorite holiday? - Austria - Austria. But I love all holidays - SUNNY - SUNNY - DISNEY WORLD
What is your favorite time of day? - Don’t care - 11.11 - Any time that is nice - Don’t care - I do not have a preference
What is your lucky number? - 19 - 19 - 19 - 19 - 19
What is your favorite food? - Ice cream - Ice cream, pizza - Ice cream, cheesecake, pizza - Cheese - Cheese and ice cream
What is your favourite non alcoholic drink? - DC - Diet coke, Mountain Dew - Pepsi Max, Mountain Dew - Water - Fizzy water
What is your favorite alcoholic drink? - Beer - Cocktaily things that are pretty with umbrellas - Archers and lemonade - Chocolate Bailey’s - Cloudy Bay
What is your favorite band? - MCR atm probs - Boys Like Girls atm :D - Frank Turner and the Sleeping Souls. Omg if you had told my 15 year old self that in 6 years MCR would break up I’d have DIED - Frank Turner still I reckon. I miss MCR a lot - MCR ARE BACK TOGETHER!!!!! And I am meant to be going to see them in June but it is almost certainly going to get cancelled on account of this ridiculous global pandemic. I still love all the same music as I always have. Green Day, Busted, Frank, MCR, Fall Out Boy, BLG, Panic!, etc
What is your favorite kind of music? - Rock - Rock/pop/indie - Rock/pop/indie - Things that sound nice in my ears - Rock/indie/pop/folk
What is your favorite color/s? - Purple, orange, green - Purple - Purple and orange - Purple and orange - Yellow
Did you enjoy this survey? - Hated it. - Did rather :D - I always like this survey :D - No I was too tired for it this time - I did :) See you in a while, survey!
I really think that Harvey wore this shirt or something VERY similar in an early episode of Sabrina and now I simply MUST find out
Fast forward NEARLY THREE YEARS…
I am watching my Sabrina boxset with Stuart and Harvey comes on the screen and I literally scream, ‘PAUSE IT!!!!!!!!!!! PAUSE IT NOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!’
Queue me TRAWLING THROUGH TUMBLR because I REMEMBER WRITING THIS POST LITERALLY YEARS AGO AND I FINALLY FOUND THE SHIRT AND I WAS RIGHT, I WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am in awe of and extremely concerned by my brain.
I think I’m going to sleep better tonight than I have since I wrote this original post on 14th March 2015. What a time to be alive.
(Season 3 episode 23, Sabrina the Sandman)
Guys, you can't make this shit up. THE VERY SAME SHIRT Harvey wears is in a 1998 episode of Sister Sister. What is going on? Why does this shirt follow me around?
This is gonna sound really weird, but hear me out
Have you ever had that thing when you see something and it triggers a past memory, but an incomplete one? So like you get a notion of familiarity and know that you’ve seen/heard/experienced that thing in some form before, but you can’t quite form together the whole image of the memory?
I’ve had that. With a sandwich.
Yesterday I saw a photo of a sandwich, a salt beef and pickle sandwich (which I believe is called a Rueben in the US) and the bread was marbled dark and white bread, I’m presuming rye.
And it triggered a memory of a film/tv show/something like that of someone eating a sandwich on the same bread. I’m sure since I saw that I haven’t seen a photo of a similar sandwich since because yesterday the memory got triggered and now all I really care about is placing exactly WHERE and WHAT ON I saw the person eating a sandwich on the same bread.
So if anyone can think of any video footage that I could have seen years and years ago of someone (I think a man) eating a sandwich on dark and white marbled-type bread then please tell me because this ridiculous situation is driving me absolutely crazy.
I wrote this post OVER SIX YEARS AGO and whilst scrolling back through my Tumblr to reminisce just now I read this and IMMEDIATELY knew the memory. It was an episode of House. House eats a sandwich on marbled bread. I'll try to find a photo tomorrow. Ahhhhh this is incredibly gratifying!!!!!!! Brains are weird. A weight lifted. I have solved the Great Sandwich Mystery of 2014.
30/3/2020
I do this survey every few years, leaving my original answers there! First set are from 15, then 18, then 21, and 4th lot are from me now at 23.
Keep reading
I am going to fill this out again soon
Lately I've been been going through some really shit, overwhelming, horrible situations that have exacerbated my anxiety and made me incredibly stressed. These situations have encompassed the triple threat: family, friends and work. As a result of this I have been less responsive over WhatsApp and other messaging platforms than I usually am. Largely because I'm just very drained and don't have the energy to invest in constant communication, which is what WhatsApp seems to encourage.
On the back of this, I have had quite disappointing experiences with 2 friends, who have evidently been unhappy with me not responding to messages immediately. I haven't had messages from them asking me if I'm okay or telling me to get back to them when I've got time or to see if I need anything. I've had messages (on an array of platforms) with a tirade of comments ranging from "Are you not speaking to me anymore then??" to "What have I done wrong???”
And, do you know what? It's absolute bollocks. We now live in a world where we just expect and assume people should be available for us 24/7, 7 days a week. We see fucking blue ticks and then henceforth decide we're being ignored.
And guess what? I know this is a crazy concept in 2020, but sometimes people just don't want to talk. And they don't have to give a reason!!!! They might just want to wait a few days till they engage in a big conversation! Can we really not afford anyone the luxury of occasional solitude?
I spend all day with people at work and I am trying to fit in seeing my family and keeping up with all my friends and worrying about all the shit I've got going on at the moment...and sometimes I then need quiet. And I don't need a tirade of accusations for that.
This has really rubbed me up the wrong way.
20/1/20
At the moment my mental health is about a 3 out of 10 which is I think is the 2nd worse it has ever been.
I cannot type or talk about some of the things I have experienced with my mental health over the past month. I cannot. Maybe I will be able to one day or maybe never. I am scared to commit it to word.
I have come off the pill in a last ditch attempt to feel better. I have to give it several months to see. If it does not work I will have to go to the doctor.
I do not want to go into therapy because as it stands I cannot pinpoint any childhood trauma and I am scared of what could surface. I have heard of a few people I know lately starting therapy and having realisations about trauma they didn’t know they had. I would rather not know.
I don’t want to talk to anyone but equally I want people to realise something is wrong and ask me what is wrong and if I’m okay. If I fade into the background and no one notices then I may as well stay there. If my personality starts dissolving and no one acknowledges that then it may as well continue dissolving. I want someone to miss the former me. But I also want to not speak.
I feel 15 again. Some of the things I am going through in my head are the same as then. Feeling left out, feeling hated, feeling forgotten, feeling unimportant, feeling like a burden, feeling like an annoyance. Back then it was the normal teenage experience. But there is no excuse for it now. On Sunday I sat and I sobbed and the things going through my head made me feel like a stupid teenager again.
When will this end? When can I wake up one morning and the anxiety and paranoia and feelings of inadequacy be gone forever? When I felt like this as a teenager I thought it was because I was a teenager. This isn’t the adult brain that I wanted.
I don’t want to wonder what I did wrong and why people don’t want me around and why I’m not the right friend and how I can be better or more. I want to be at peace with myself and feel whole and, at the very least, I want to accept.
I want to breeze through life and take things in my stride and believe I’m enough. I want to be unaffected by the actions of those around me and I want to feel confident that I am liked.
For I think the first time in my life I now realise what JK Rowling meant when she said the Dementors represent her depression. The feeling that you will never be happy again.
I know I will be happy again in my logical mind, when I am able to have logical thoughts. Other times I do not know I will be happy again. I believe to my very core that everyone I know would be better off without me. I am scared that these dark moments will become more frequent.
I never understood how people who seemed so happy could suffer from depression until last month. The highs and lows I experienced were so exhausting that I slept for 12 hours a night for many days in a row. On the high days I never felt better and more optimistic. And then in the blink of an eye I felt like I had nothing and that I was nothing. That is how people who are happy can also be depressed.
I do not believe in god but I find myself praying for the effects of the pill to wear off and for me to be happy again, consistently happy. Like magic. I am desperate.
I have two more things to say. The first is, please reach out to your happy friends. You do not know. You do not know if they are happy. If their usual pattern of communication changes, just check on them. It might be nothing or it might be something. They might not want to talk but they might need to. Just please, look out for your friends.
The second thing I want to say is that my parents and my boyfriend know I am struggling at the moment and they are looking out for me. I am not at any risk to myself and I am learning to talk about things and I know these feelings are temporary.
Thank you for reading this.
26/7/18
My god...I wrote this 6 months before I ever listened to the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack.
"I cannot type or talk about some of the things I have experienced" - Words Fail
"If I fade into the background and no one notices then I may as well stay there" - No one deserves to disappear
"I want to believe I'm enough" - Today you're you, and that's enough
"I know I will be happy again in my logical mind, when I am able to have logical thoughts" - When it all feels so big, till it all feels so small
Happy to report that my life has been very different (for the better) since I came off the pill. I am happy, I haven't felt low like I did when I wrote this blog in over a year, probably since I wrote it really.
I am astonished at the parallels in this blog to in Dear Evan Hansen. I knew that show had changed my life when I saw it in February, and I knew the ways in which it resonated with me. But reading that blog for the first time since I wrote it has made how much DEH affected me make a bit more sense. There was all of that in me. DEH brought up all those things in me that I had pushed down. I knew some things that it brought back up, but all those feelings I had genuinely forced myself to forget for self preservation.
No wonder that show had such an impact. It was all right there, more than I even realised.
26/11/19
I just decided that if I ever get married I want to get married in the winter and this is for several reasons
1. There is less pressure on the weather for it to be good if you know it’s not even meant to be good
2. Sleeves. I like sleeves.
3. Less likely to be red and sweaty in photos
4. Can get away with more glitter if it’s towards the end of the year
5. Closed toe shoes - you don’t have to worry about having nice toenails
6. You can serve root vegetables at the dinner part of the wedding and no one will be like “Oh these are very unseasonal”
7. You can wear trainers and you wouldn’t have to worry about your feet getting hot
8. People are generally in a better mood nearer to Christmastime and therefore it will be an even more jovial atmosphere
9. It gets dark earlier so you can have nice fairy lights and all of that stuff
10. Less humidity = less chance of frizz
Please do bear in mind I have literally no plans to get married any time soon whatsoever. I just watched a programme about wedding dresses and a lady got married in Vegas and she was worried about chafing and sweating and all of that and I just thought hell to the no
Can report back that we are getting married in February for basically ALL OF THESE REASONS.
26/8/19
10/7/19
Last night I had a dream that my friend Jo found my birth certificate in my room and it said my surname assigned at birth was Pongau (not entirely random because last night I was looking up holidays in the Pongau region of Austria) and she figured it seemed quite an unusual name so she started googling it and she discovered a twin sister I never knew I had and Jo's mum decided to adopt her (we were current ages in our 20s so this makes literally no sense) and then me and her met and it was so crazy. And I had a job in a really high tech place and they put on a work party (makes sense because my work summer party is Sunday) and loads of people I knew were there but the only person I can remember properly is Tall Simon and I told everyone about my new sister. It was without a doubt the most vivid dream I've had in months, maybe years.
some of you haven’t gotten the urge to perform a whole musical by yourself at 2 am and it shows
A year ago right now we were all with grandad in the care home spending his last hours with him.
How can it be that our first year without him was the biggest and, in many ways, best year of my life? It's hard to fathom that he will never see our house, never will know we got engaged, will never meet our dog Juno.
Even stranger is that I cherish the memories of the week he died. I value so much those hours we all spent in the care home together this night 365 days ago. I feel happy when I think of how packed out my grandparents' house was after the funeral. I feel grateful when I think of how their neighbours, who moved away years and years ago, turned up out of the blue to see my grandma and spend time with her the day he died, and that they took the time to share memories with us.
That day was awful though too. It was awful for all the expected reasons but it was also awful because of a huge family argument (fuelled by grief but also by intrinsic unpleasantness) that had my grandma sobbing in the hallway as she begged my uncle to stop shouting, and my brother defending us all as we were criticised.
The day of the funeral (the day after he died) was full of love and dread and relief and even laughter. It was also the day my cousin let us down by not turning up and how hurt my dad was (and still is) by this.
It was the day Stuart performed a mitzvah by helping to bury my grandad so that he could represent his grandchildren (I was not allowed to do it due to it being an orthodox funeral and my being a female and my brother did not want to do it). Stuart proudly marched forward and took the shovel and helped bury grandad. It meant more than I could ever express to me and my parents.
It was a week I was able to spend at home with my parents in the snow just being together doing nothing. We went for walks and watched sitcoms and visited grandma and it was a paradoxically nice week.
I'm sad grandad wasn't there for it.
24/2/2019
I've been sifting through all of the Dear Evan Hansen tags on Tumblr as well as the tags for Andrew Barth Feldman, Mallory Bechtel etc. It is very apparent that most posts are by people around the 18 year old mark. It makes me feel strange. I am 27 and I was extremely affected by this show and these performers. It sort of makes me feel like the show wasn't for me? It's about teenagers, am I meant to be past these things and these reactions to things? If you are over 24 and going through the Dear Evan Hansen stuff on this site and feeling old, feel free to message me if you want to have a conversation about the show.
I suppose it's a sign of a few things, as 9 years ago my friends and I were all on Tumblr all day every day and now most of us never use it at all and some of us just pop in every now and then.
This one is dedicated to @deku-is-tired who asked for a Words Fail comparison! There wasn’t a specified place they said to look at, so I went for more the of the climax, since I would consider that one of the hardest places, although it’s usually a lot more on than Waving Through a Window for all Evans.
As much as I’m sorta indifferent on Ben Platt’s Evan, it really is his song. He owns it the most. and although Colton throws in probably the most emotion vocally, he’s definitely on the lower spectrum of ‘actually hitting the notes’ (which I think for anything other than the huge belt is fine for Words Fail). MLB probably has the prettiest Words Fail, because he knows how to balance emotions and vocals extremely well. Noah has one of the strongest belts, but probably the least interesting emotions wise. Taylor (before he destroyed his voice) had an extremely powerful interpretation. Roman is perfect despite the audio quality moving on. Andrew Barth Feldman just… Needs a bit of work but I’ll one hundred percent put it up to nerves because he’s super talented (I need new audio of him).
Order of Evans: 1. Ben Platt (May 6th, 2017) 2. Colton Ryan (July 14th, 2017) 3. Michael Lee Brown (September 27th, 2017) 4. Noah Galvin (February 4th, 2018) 5. Taylor Trensch (May 13th, 2018 (anonymous/my audio)) 6. Roman Banks (December 12th, 2018) 7. Andrew Barth Feldman (January 30th, 2018 (public audio))
As always, give me more recommendations for songs/characters/shows to do (if I have enough audios on my site with different people (which would really just be DEH, Rent, and N2N))!
On Friday I saw Dear Evan Hansen on Broadway. I have been listening to the soundtrack for a few months and I was having trouble clicking with it until a couple of weeks ago. Suddenly one day it all fell into place for me and I was listening to Requirm in the car and I just burst into tears.
I knew the show was going to make me emotional but I could never have anticipated how much it would affect me. It brought up a lot of things for me and made me realise that a lot of what I experienced and went through over the past ten years are still very close to my surface, in a way I did not previously know and am not pleased about.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about it at all for 2 days. I want to talk about nothing else but Dear Evan Hansen and I also want to never talk about it again and keep it all in my head for me, mulling it over and over so as not to forget.
I have never been so moved by a musical before and since seeing it I have felt simultaneously optimistic and completely emotionally drained. I know those are not opposites, but they don't naturally go hand in hand and it's very tiring.
Importantly, I need to process the things the show brought to light for me and I need to work on how to move past the things it made me realise I've not moved past yet.
It's difficult and exhausting to feel this unsettled, when on paper you are so very, very settled. What does it even mean?
10/2/19
This year has been, on paper, the best of my life so far. I bought a house, I adopted a dog and 3 weeks ago I got engaged.
But this year has also been horrific. January and February saw the tramatising deterioration of my grandad, concluding in his death.
How is a person meant to consolidate these extremes in their mind? I don't think I can. I am ending this year feeling so happy but also painfully sad and confused.
I know what it feels like to have the best year ever. I also know what it feels like to have the worst year ever. But what does it feel like to have them both at the same time? It's happened to me and yet I still don't know.
10/12/2018
