𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒏'𝒔 𝒔𝒂𝒌𝒆.

scarlett ingrid. there's a lot of s's and n's. call me scarjo and die. new york raised. 50% mother, 30% avenger, 20% champagne and sunshine. ❝ you don't wanna 𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓂𝑒 but i'm trying to 𝖘𝖊𝖑𝖋 𝖉𝖎𝖘𝖈𝖔𝖛𝖊𝖗 𝕜𝕖𝕖𝕡 𝕞𝕖 in your 𝒐𝒓𝒃𝒊𝒕 but you k n o w you'll ( drag me 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 ) .❞

[johanssonhq]

sms 💌 sebastian s(a)tan 😈

sebastian: jokes on u i get paid to do it

sebastian: 4 movies of doing it babyyyyyyy

scarlett: thank god i was free of you during widow, by far the best mcu experience i've had (right after avengers and im2)

scarlett: what are you doing these days now that you're unemployed?

[johanssonhq]

hqchastain‌:

   i could not even begin to tell you the amount of people  who gives wrapping your feet in a blanket as a suggestion.  and i simply wonder in what world does it feel better to  literally have your feet wrapped all night, than simply  wearing socks? fair enough i have slipped on the floor  all due to socks being slippery as well, during the night.  positive thing is at least no one has seen it so i can spare  myself from the embarrassment of that vision being caught  in anyones mind. i always knew you were one of the better  ones around scarlett. i appreciate your sock support during  this time more than i can form in to words. just you know it.  well i do not mean to toot my own horn– but i did manage  to only let one nap slip through. the excitement of it all kept  me awake. perhaps even a bit more than necessary. at least  i did not mess up my entire sleeping schedule– which i for  sure would’ve had to take the consequences for later on.

I just feel like wrapping your feet up in a blanket is completely counterproductive and only adds to feeling like you’re cocooned. That’s only fun for so long, until you hear your name called in the middle of the night by your kid or your 3:30AM alarm goes off and you find yourself trapped. Glad we’re on the same page with this. Knew you were a keeper. Do you not have the fuzzy socks with the grips on the bottom? Jess, you gotta catch up with the times. We need your feet toasty and the rest of you all in one piece. Only one nap? Damn, you really are a superhero. I don’t know what it’s like to not have a fucked sleeping schedule, so when you open up seats for your master class, please let me know. I’ll be front and center. 

[johanssonhq]

natdormerhq‌:

We definitely need to start this club. The beautiful thing about the hot blondes in their 30s club is that miss Lawrence won’t be able to join us for another year. Don’t be jealous of us kissing though, I have plenty more kisses to go around. I’m a huge fan of yours too, obviously. This club will definitely be happening now.

The people of the world won’t know how to handle themselves once it starts, but let’s get real, are we really doing our duty as hot thirty-something blondes if we don’t set out to give them heart attacks when we do some mundane shit like wear yoga pants to the grocery store? God, she’s almost in the thirty club? She still looks like she’s twenty. I’ll make the most of my year with you and steal all the kisses I can. Then when she joins, we just three-way kiss and end the world. It’ll be grand. Great! I’ll bring wine, we’ll have ourselves a ball. 

[johanssonhq]

bobertdwnyjr‌:

If I had that many phones, I would definitely give you one. For a nominal finder’s fee, of course. I’m not super active on it, but I like using it as a way to connect with people. And sell off a shit-ton of iPhones, of course. Wait, is she old enough for math homework? When did that happen? I am 100% not smarter than a fifth grader and I’ve accepted that. I swear to god they’re making math harder, sooner, just to fuck with parents. Things are great, Susan and I are starting a new project together. I miss yours, too. 

Always the catch. Lucky I love you and would throw my dollars at you, though I’d be convinced to throw more of them if you did a little dance to earn it. She’s old enough for math homework and my mind is too old for it. Happened this year; be ready, ‘cause the next time you blink, our kids are gonna be wearing caps and gowns. We got old and I don’t like it. It’s a test, for me, and surprise! I’m failing. I do not remember learning this way and the next thing I know, she’s gonna come home telling me two plus two is in fact, five, and then I’m just gonna have to retire under my rock for the remainder of time. You two always stay busy, don’t you? Send Susan all my love, of course, I miss her and all of our gab sessions when you weren’t around. Where in the world is the great RDJ? I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to getting together for dinner.  

[johanssonhq]

zoxdeutch‌:

Apparently it isn’t? Unless we’re all unclear of what organic actually means. Can’t we just have both? Healthy and tasty. It’s the best of both worlds. I wouldn’t doubt it, honestly. I don’t actually have any kind of gauge on the price since I’ve never actually purchased it myself, but I’m sure it has to be disgustingly overpriced. Whereas a regular sized bottle of normal ketchup is like, five dollars less than the awful organic shit. It’s a strange world we’re living in these days. Fast Food Fridays sounds like everything I would have loved to have as a kid. It’s like a little holiday to look forward to every week. Ooh, you and Gordon? I could see it. I ship it. Imagine all the amazing food he’d cook for you? The dream. It went well! Still going, actually. Just slowing down. It started in Brazil, went to London, and I’ve been doing things here and there in New York for the past week and a half. I got to go to an ABBA themed party in the middle of everything, so that definitely made up for the mundane routine we were all falling into.

I can sleep easy at night knowing you didn’t waste your money on that utter bullshit. Organic ketchup. Welcome to 2019, I suppose. I’ll just take my regular ketchup and my chances, truthfully. Besides, could you imagine the disappointment if you were drowning some French fries in organic ketchup and tasted that? Talk about ruining a meal. Fast Food Fridays were definitely of the holiday variety. Granted, it was a dollar menu type of holiday, but when you’re five, you don’t really give a fuck. Any time you’re in New York, I’ll happily revive the tradition for you. Exactly! This is why he’s my dream man. I’d never go without cuisine food. Plus, anyone ever does you wrong, he’ll roast them to hell and back. Oh, man, you’ve been all over. How’s the jet lag? An ABBA themed party? Those exist and no one informed me? Fuck, I’m jealous. Please tell me it was everything.

[johanssonhq]

hollandshq‌:

i know, i know. you’re a godsend you know? i don’t think i tell you that nearly enough as i should. i’d be lost without you, you just mean so much to me. you and rose both, it’s an honor that you’ve accepted me into the family, as one of your own! i’m just so grateful. which brings me to my next question - shawn popped the question and i’m a whole fiance now! which, he informed me that you were in on slightly so my question for you is this - will you be a bridesmaid for the big day? and of course, can rose be the flower girl? she can walk down with tessa, who will be carrying the rings down the aisle. and yes! i’m so relieved to be back in the family because i was little stressed there for a second and actually, i think i tried to live in a bit of denial for a while. good thing it was short lived.

Ah, I wouldn’t go that far, but I’m flattered you think that highly of me, and I certainly reciprocate the feeling. I was absolutely in on it, how could I not? After all, you are practically one of my own, why wouldn’t I somehow nose my way into your business? It’s what any other Johansson family member would do. Which, congratulations, by the way, I’m so happy for you that they’ve yet to invent a word. No one else I would have given my blessing to when it comes to taking care of my favorite Spiderman until the end of time, and there’s certainly no one else that deserves their happily ever after quite like you. You’re...you’re serious? I’d be honored to. I’ll ask Rosie what she thinks about it, but I can almost guarantee her answer will be an ear-splitting yes. If there’s anyone she loves more in this world than you, it’s Tessa. Don’t worry, we were all plotting a rescue mission if things hadn’t have gone the way they did. Once in the family, always in the family. Literally. We’re a cult, and it’s for life.

[johanssonhq]

chrprtt‌:

You better have missed it! Although, saying that, you’re probably going to want to get rid of me again after a few days but too bad. You’re stuck forever now. I’ll build you a little hut to live in out there because I’m that good of a friend. I’m sorry! I’m too busy to take my rightful place but you’re doing a great job of being my stand in. Next movie, I’ll take it. You’re going to be blown away when you see me in that costume. I’m getting a red wig and everything. People are going to think she rose from the dead when they see me. Things are good! Really busy. I’m filming, looking for a new place and taking care of Aubrey whenever she needs me so it’s all full on these days but I love it. I had a whole year of being lazy so it’s nice to be thrown straight back into everything. So ready. Kinda shitting myself because it’s twins but I’ve done this before so I at least know what I’m doing, I’ll just have to double it up this time.

If there is one thing that I am confident I will forever be stuck with, it is an overabundance of Chrises in my life. You’ll build me a hut? Wow, that’s a whole level up from what I was anticipating, I’m really going to be living like the queen out on your property. You better step up to the plate for the next movie, because I’m fairly sure all of the work I’ve done on this one will leave me absolutely incapable of waking up in the morning, much less filling in for you. I have very high expectations now, you know. Kevin Feige better not be able to tell the difference between us. I’m glad everything’s going good, sometimes busy is outright stressful but expecting kiddos is the best kind of busy! Hey, just be glad you aren’t going to have to be the one delivering the twins. You’ve got the easier end of the deal, I’d think. 

[johanssonhq]

melissabenoist-x‌:

You know those moments, those tiny little moments when you know you’re officially turning into an adult who gets excited by the lamest of stuff? Today I saw on Instagram a drying rack for your dishes that stacks up over your sink, so when you wash something, you put it over your sink and it catches all the drips. And all of a sudden, I need that in my life. I have no problem with my current drying rack situation, but I just need it. So I ordered it… I bet it won’t even fit over my sink because I have a huge mammoth of a sink… Damnit.

Anyway, is it just me? Please someone tell me you get excited over stupid stuff too. Hi, I’m Melissa, by the way. @hchqstarters

That’s probably the only real joy that comes with adulthood, other than finding actual enjoyment in waking up before noon. Get that dryer rack, Melissa, live your best adult life. Even if it doesn’t fit the sink. It’s the little things that bring the most joy. It’s nice to meet you, by the way, I’m Scarlett. I’m very much excited over stupid stuff, like pajama pants and underwear sales and having a clean house for five minutes.

[johanssonhq]

bradsscooper‌:

So I think it’s about time that Rose and Lea meet. I feel like they’d be great friends plus it would give me an excuse to see you again and have you back in my life again. What do you say? Should we get the little ones together for a playdate? I just realized they never met the whole time we did Endgame together. @johanssonhq

My god, are our girls old enough for a playdate where we aren’t talking on their behalf? Jesus, I’m old. Thanks for reminding me of this, Cooper. I swear, I always forget you were a a part of Endgame since all my scenes with you were really just scenes with a stuffed blob that they told me would become a raccoon in post. I’m down for letting the girls hang out one weekend, though, absolutely. 

[johanssonhq]

fyistef‌:

Today is one of those days where you’re alone with your thoughts that keep you up at night. How am I thirty-three years old—and how has it been eleven years since I filmed the music video for Just Dance? What happened to the nineteen year old go-go dancer on the Lower East Side still trying to make it in this business? I’m getting so fucking old. Excuse me, I’m having a melancholy night tonight… I guess it’s time to write again.

@hchqstarters

There’s no way you’re thirty-three, and there’s absolutely no way it’s been eleven years since Just Dance. All of these things are lies you’re just feeding me. It’s insane how time flies, you know? One minute you’re all bright eyed and part of the young crowd, next minute you’re regularly finding grey hairs and finding optimal pleasure in going to bed by 8. Have your melancholy night, get your write on...knowing you, it’ll just produce another award winning song.  

[johanssonhq]

imessage: scarlett 🍒

anna: how's little rosie?

anna: i hope it's next to impossible! thank you babe, and yes it is. i mean i was happy with ben but i just wasn't in love with him anymore. you'll always be a fucking milf and you better own it! especially with that voice of yours

anna: hey don't ask me how i'm fucking committing to jake right now. i'm still scared shitless that i'm going to fuck this up within two seconds. are your parents divorced or something? cause' that's where most of my issues come from. i used to hate to blame them, but i mean the fuck! you're a boss ass bitch who don't need no man. just your little rosie and everything is right in the world. i feel you babe. we're actually having a small, intimate wedding.

anna: you still here? i'm still here cause addie had the baby and i'm here with jake but heading back to ny soon.

scarlett: rosie girl is good! she's enjoying kindergarten too much, i think, because she comes home and is determined to reteach EVERYTHING she learned that day to me. i fear i might have a teacher on my hands

scarlett: it happens, 'ya know? we fall out of love just as easy as we do in. what matters is that you're with someone you love and that treats you right, and if gyllenhaal ever tries anything, you just let me know. i'll snap him in half. attaining milf status was a higher accomplishment to me than a tony award. says a lot about me, i think.

scarlett: ha, oh yeah. me and hunter were literally the bandaid that they tried to save their marriage with and ultimately failed. it was just what i grew up around, i guess? didn't know anything different. divorced parents club! you're absolutely fucking right. the only man i need in my life is papa john. small intimate wedding, smart. my weddings got smaller every time, lmao. so much less hassle. like, honestly, just give me the guy/girl and a fucking sheet cake and that's all that's needed. you guys thinking far out, soon?

scarlett: omg did she? that's awesome, how's she doing? how are you doing? i imagine that's...interesting territory, to say the least. i'm in NYC so whenever you get back my arms are open wide for 'ya.

[johanssonhq]

sms 💌 aubrey

Aubrey: Why are these times so trying? What's happening out there? Who do I need to kill?

Aubrey: It sure is, especially with twins. Wow. Still not real that I'm having fucking twins. Yeah, super healthy. Super boring. I mean it's working for Chris with his diet, kind of. But I miss tacos and pie. I'll try it. You think they'll listen if they know it's Aunt Scarlett who's telling them to behave?

Scarlett: When you're me, the times are always trying. Your daughter is 5 going on 25, your love life is a literal dustbin, work is your only life...if you could just take me out, that'd be grand. Or just rig it so my publicists disappear and I am left to do nothing but vacation from now until 2020.

Scarlett: Twins is absolutely INSANE, dude. But you know what they say, double the love. Do you guys know the sexes yet? Yeah, but Chris isn't the one growing two whole ass humans. You deserve to have all the tacos and pie your heart deserves. The fact Aunt Scarlett is real makes my heart all a-flutter. Maybe if they know that they won't get to come hang out at my house (aka the tent in your backyard) if they keep up the shenanigans they'll put an end to it. Blackmail, the first and golden rule of parenting.

[scarlettdaily]

Scarlett Johansson Marriage Story premiere - New York Film Festival, 2019.

[johanssonhq]

a-kendricks‌:

PRIVATE: So, I’m married. I’m fucking married. Jake and I got drunk out of our minds in Vegas and pulled a fucking Ross and Rachel. We don’t remember a fucking thing. All I know is that we woke up, I had an engagement ring and a wedding band on my finger. That finger. We freaked out.. and now we’re actually engaged even though we’re still married. It’s a hot mess but I’m in love with him. Am I going crazy? I’m probably going crazy but I don’t care because i’m so in love with him and I just wanted to let you know before you heard it from Enews or something like that. Also were keeping this whole thing on the down low for now. No one knows besides you, and Zac and our families. Well also Adelaide and Adam but thats it.  @johanssonhq

PRIVATE: In the spirit of being honest, Banana, out of all the things I could have possibly anticipated to hear today, you getting married in Vegas was probably the last thing. That said, what the fuck? When? Not that I’m frowning upon it or anything, I’ve done my fair share of dumb shit in Vegas before too, but damn, babe. Damn. We’re all hot messes, though. I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re in love and you wanna be with the person your heart is beating for and there’s nothing stupid about it. I’m a little jealous of it, truth be told. Question is, how’s the engagement ring? Does Gyllenhaal have good taste even when he is stupid-hammered? Also, I’m happy for you. I really am. As long as you’re happy, then shit, I am too. Don’t worry about me. I’ll take the secret to the grave. And thanks for trusting me enough to tell me. Not that my disconnected ass would have heard it from E! anyways, but...you know. I’m flattered you think highly enough to tell me of your Vegas escapades in full confidence.

[johanssonhq]

zoxdeutch‌:

I am absolutely, one-hundred and ten percent all for alternative food options. Those people who want to enjoy a nice black bean veggie burger or a Beyond Meat taco are more than welcome to, and I’m happy that these products have become more mainstream therefore have become more accessible to everyone. Spread the meatless love around all you want, people!  But even I have my limits, and they are reached once you introduce organic ketchup into the mix. I absolutely do not fuck with it. Think of the most tasteless and least flavorful thing you’ve ever eaten, then multiply it by one-hundred. That is the flavor of organic ketchup. There’s significantly less sugar in it which I guess makes it better for me, but at what cost? Hey. I’m Zoey, and it’s very possible that I’m slightly delirious from a pretty long press tour but that doesn’t make my feelings regarding organic ketchup any less valid. I also don’t go on random rants about food, so please don’t let that scare you off. I’m nice, I promise. @hchqstarters

Wait, hold up, organic ketchup? You’re telling me that’s a thing? I thought ketchup was already organic, or at least close enough to it that they wouldn’t have to ruin it with the whole ‘organic but horrific-tasting’ agenda...damn. There goes my faith in the world. People buy that? Why bother? Don’t tell me that a 6 ounce bottle of it is also like, twenty dollars too. The ridiculous pricing for the healthy stuff makes me now, as an adult, understand why my parents liked Fast Food Fridays in our household. Hey, Zoey, I’m Scarlett. I’m convinced my soulmate is Gordon Ramsay so honestly, the random rants about food wouldn’t be met with any kind of contempt. Press tour, though? How’d that go?

[johanssonhq]

sms 💌 sebastian s(a)tan 😈

sebastian: is.... annoying you not my job??

sebastian: i do it so well i was out here thinking its my career :\

scarlett: you aren't wrong

scarlett: get a job where you actually get paid

[johanssonhq]

imessage: scarlett 🍒

anna: and this is why youre one of my best friends!

anna: i'm a forgetful ass idiot too though babe, so it's alright and i forgive you for forgetting things. just please don't /ever/ forget about /me/ okay? thank you! i'm really happy. the happiest i've been really. but you still look fucking hot and youre still a fucking milf scar.

anna: i mean listen, relationships aren't for everyone. i didn't get into a serious relationship until i was in my early twenties which was with edgar and that wasn't a good one but ya live and ya learn. i said no to ben's proposal after being with the guy for six years lol. i fuck up scar. we can debate about this all night. that's true and i agree with you on that! well thank you.

anna: SCARLETT WHAT THE FUCK. ARE YOU IN LA FOR THIS FALL FESTIVAL THING? PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU ARE?

scarlett: right back at you, my love

scarlett: you kidding? how could i ever forget about you? that's next to impossible. i'm happy that you're happy - it's long overdue. well, hey, thanks. glad that if all else fails i will at least be able to take the milf title with me to my grave, lmao.

scarlett: you are absolutely preaching to the choir. monogamy, i think, is just not for me and it never will be. i can sleep around all day long, scratch whatever itch i need, but committing? to someone? one person? forever? that's never worked out for me for WHATEVER reason and at this point in my life i don't see the point in troubling with it in trying to make it work. let the sleeping dog lie kinda thing, you feel? i've got great family, great friends, and a kiddo who i think hung the moon. don't need much else. THAT SAID, don't forget about me when the day comes you have an extravagant wedding, bc i do quite love cake and champagne.

scarlett: THE ANSWER IS YES