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incorrect quotes

these are doom the dark ages incorrect quotes, and yes the doomslayer is the one who's insane

kreed maykr: *Gives a bouquet to doomslayer* doomslayer: You know I'm allergic. kreed maykr: That's the point.

doomslayer: You say “Please” and “Thank you” in front of king novik all the time, and they never repeat it. doomslayer: But you call kreed maykr “Ass-faced motherfucker” ONE TIME…

doomslayer: thira , I swear I didn’t know valen was coming over. I always ominously clean my assault weapons on the coffee table like that. It had nothing to do with you!

doomslayer: I’m terrible at expressing myself. valen: Don’t worry, actions speak louder than words! doomslayer: Yes, but my actions are also bad.

kreed maykr: Just trust me. Have I ever put you in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation? doomslayer: All the time. kreed maykr: Then you should be used to it by now.

ahzrak, talking to doomslayer: With all due respect, which is none…

doomslayer, excitedly: Heeyy!! valen: Hey, someone's excited. kreed maykr, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick.

valen: doomslayer, no. doomslayer: doomslayer, yes.

doomslayer: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

king novik: *looks at doomslayer* king novik: Baby boy. Baby. king novik: *looks at kreed maykr* king novik: Evil.

ahzrak: doomslayer isn’t answering my messages. valen: Allow me. ahzrak: I tried 6 times, what makes you thi- doomslayer: *replying to message* Hello.

ahzrak: *Gets down on one knee* doomslayer: Oh my god! It’s finally happening! ahzrak: *Collapses* doomslayer: The poison’s kicking in!

doomslayer: Okay, if we can't do it by sheer force, we'll do it my way. valen: But your way is sheer force!

ahzrak: What if mayonnaise came in cans? Kreed maykr: Well, that would suck because you can't microwave metal. doomslayer: Good morning to everyone except these two people.

doomslayer: I think I need a hug... valen: Good thing I'm hug shaped! *45 minutes later* doomslayer: You... you can let go now. valen: No, I absolutely cannot.

doomslayer: Hey, kreed maykr. What kind of flowers do you prefer? Kreed maykr: I like sunflowers. doomslayer, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit-

doomslayer: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.

doomslayer: Why won’t you all just lie down and die with dignity?! ahzrak: We don’t do anything with dignity!

King novik, about thira : I could fix them, but honestly whatever the hell is wrong with them is way funnier. doomslayer: That's what any god probably thinks about me.

valen: You kidnapped doomslayer?! That’s illegal! maykr drone: But valen, what’s more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing doomslayer, or giving up on our hopes and dreams? valen: Kidnapping doomslayer, kreed maykr! Kreed maykr: valen, listen. However I feel about this, these guys are counting on you to inspire them! valen: What, to kidnap people? Kreed maykr: To work together! valen: To kidnap people?! Kreed maykr: valen, we’ve all agreed that doomslayer is not a people.

doomslayer: We’re going to defeat you with the power of friendship. King novik: We’re not friends. doomslayer, holding an axe: We’re going to defeat you with the power of incredible violence.

doomslayer: What’s up? I’m back. ahzrak: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead. doomslayer: Death is a social construct.

valen: Your smile looks forced. doomslayer: That’s because it is.

king novik: Look, doomslayer, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

doomslayer: Self-care is suppressing all your trauma until it comes back and hits you in the face with the force of 7 very large trucks.

doomslayer: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked* Kreed maykr: What did you do?! doomslayer: NOBODY DIED! Kreed maykr: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

valen: So, doomslayer, do you have a crush on anyone? doomslayer: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety.

*doomslayer is laying on the floor with their eyes closed* kreed maykr: Hey, are they sleeping or dead? ahzrak: Hopefully dead, I hated them. kreed maykr: Yeah, me too. doomslayer, sitting up: First of all, fuck you guys.

ahzrak: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way. doomslayer: I almost died. ahzrak: That... was my favorite memory.

thira : What's worse than a heartbreak? ahzrak: Waking up in the morning and your phone wasn't charging. valen: Waking up in the morning. doomslayer: Waking up.

doomslayer: Screw lactose intolerance! I will consume as much dairy as I want! doomslayer 2 hours later, crying on the floor: WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?!

doomslayer: Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don’t answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.

doomslayer: Life is like maykr drone. It's short.

king novik: That's it, you're grounded! kreed maykr, no adventures for you! ahzrak, no fighting for you! thira , no stealing for you! And doomslayer... oh my god, is there anything that you love? doomslayer: Revenge. king novik: No vengeance for you. doomslayer: I was going to say "I'll get you for this," but I guess that's off the table.

thira : You were stabbed. Do you remember anything? doomslayer: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital. thira: That wasn't an ambulance, I drove you. doomslayer: But I heard a siren. king novik: That was valen. valen: Sorry, I got nervous.

ahzrak: Hey, do you know the password to doomslayer’s computer? King novik: Fuck you, ahzrak. ahzrak: Hey!! King novik: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyouahzrak". ahzrak: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe.

doomslayer: Life keeps fucking me and I can't remember the safeword.

King novik, on the phone: What’s up, doomslayer? doomslayer: I’m sitting in a pool of blood. King novik: …Um, is it YOUR blood? doomslayer: I think so. King novik: Do you know where the blood’s coming from? doomslayer: Probably the stab wound. King novik: YOU’VE BEEN STABBED?! doomslayer: Oh, yeah, definitely.

doomslayer: Sometimes, I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

doomslayer: ahzrak... ahzrak: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

*doomslayer rushes by with an armful of water bottles* king novik: What's going on? valen: doomslayer wouldn't drink water. king novik: ...And? valen: And I asked them how fast they could chug an entire bottle. doomslayer, loudly: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCHES!

doomslayer: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times. thira: You mean you stabbed them? doomslayer: They ran into my knife.

Kreed maykr: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on doomslayer without them noticing? maykr drone: Hey, doomslayer, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny. doomslayer: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser. keeed maykr: ...

valen, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume? doomslayer: *grabs and chugs the entire bottle* doomslayer: doomslayer: It's perfume.

doomslayer: I am darkness. I am a power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am- king novik: A doll. Valen: A cinnamon roll. Thira: A sweetheart. doomslayer: doomslayer: ...stop it.

doomslayer: Being smart has never stopped me from being a complete fucking idiot.

king novik: Italics. doomslayer: Yeah, Italians.

doomslayer: If you water water, it grows. kreed maykr: ...What. thira: They've got a point.

doomslayer: Accidentally indulged in too much ‘free time’, turns out I’ve been reported missing for over six months and presumed dead by most local and national authorities.

thira : When do you usually go to sleep? doomslayer: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.

doomslayer: I hope no one lowkey hates me. doomslayer: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being. doomslayer: Go big or go home.

*the Squad cleaning up* valen: Pick up the nearest piece of trash and throw it away. Keed maykr, to doomslayer: Aight, which bin do you wanna go in—

doomslayer, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK.

doomslayer: Who the fuck- maykr drone: Language! doomslayer: Whom the fuck- maykr drone: No.

doomslayer: I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

Kidnapper: I have your partner. valen: What? I don't have a partner... Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face? valen: Oh my god, you have doomslayer.

doomslayer: Eat shit and die, maykr drone!!! maykr drone: Eat shit and live, doomslayer.

king novik: I need life advice. doomslayer, sipping Gatorade and eating cookie dough: You came to the right person.

doomslayer, to the Squad: The real secret to immortality? Not dying. You want to be immortal? Okay, that’s easy. Just don’t die. That’s it. Refuse to die. There you go. king novik: But how- doomslayer, ignoring them: “But how”, you may ask. Well, easy. Just don’t do it. Refuse to. Say “no thanks”.

Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut? doomslayer: Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass.

doomslayer: I can’t believe my birth certificate says F... doomslayer: ...How did I fail being born?

valen: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated. doomslayer: Killed without hesitation.

kreed maykr: You remind me of the ocean. doomslayer: Because I'm deep and mysterious? kreed maykr: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.

maykr drone: What the hell is wrong with you? doomslayer: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I’m better than everyone else.

King novik, Entering ahzrak's room: doomslayer did it again. Valen: Peace disturbance? King novik: What no- Valen: Arson..? King novik: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY- Valen: uh....Attempted murder? King novik: NO, THEY ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-

king novik: Yes, I'm adopting doomslayer and you cowards can't tell me no!

king novik: Are you a cuddler? doomslayer: I'm a machine of death and destruction. king novik: doomslayer: ...Yeah, I'm a cuddler.

ahzrak: *Locks doomslayer in the car.* Act like a child, get treated like a child. doomslayer: What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car?

kreed maykr: What's two plus two? doomslayer: Math. kreed maykr: ...I will accept that answer.

doomslayer: *coughs blood* Valen: Don't die, doomslayer! doomslayer: Don't tell me what to do!

thira : A-are you sure this is safe?! doomslayer: Oh, quit being such a baby. It’s perfectly safe! …For me!

doomslayer: thira .. I'm gonna cry! thira: Please don't. doomslayer, crying: Request denied.

doomslayer: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute. valen: No, that's not how you make cookies. thira: FLOOR IT!! doomslayer: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!? valen: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN- doomslayer: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES! king novik: DO IT! valen: NO-

king novik, answering the phone: Hello? doomslayer: It’s doomslayer. king novik: What did they do this time? doomslayer: No, it’s me, doomslayer. It’s actually me. king novik: What did you do this time?

king novik, skipping rocks on a lake with doomslayer: It’s such a beautiful evening. doomslayer: Yeah, it is. doomslayer: *whispering* Take that you fucking lake.

thira: What do you want for breakfast, doomslayer? doomslayer: Gay Cheerios. thira: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING FRUIT LOOPS THAT!!

valen: Why are you drinking? doomslayer: I drink when I'm depressed. valen: But you're always drinking? doomslayer: *smug grin*

*valen and doomslayer are texting* valen: Who are you? Someone changed the names in my phone. doomslayer: What did they change my name to? valen: Chosen One. doomslayer: Don’t change it back. valen: BUT WHO ARE YOU?!?! doomslayer: I’m the chosen one.

doomslayer: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner. thira: doomslayer, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck. doomslayer: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not. thira: Well, I mean yeah. doomslayer: So come downstairs while they’re still hot. thira: Wait, you just made them? doomslayer: Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets. thira: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time doomslayer.

thira: Hey, can I get a sip of that water? doomslayer: It’s not water. thira: Vodka! I like your sty- doomslayer: It’s vinegar. thira: …What? doomslayer: It's vinegar, PUSSY.

doomslayer: My heart is guarded but like… very poorly. The kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat into an R rated movie.

doomslayer: You gave me up, you let me down, you turned around, and deserted me. maykr drone: But did I make you cry? doomslayer: *cries on the spot* maykr drone: ...Shit.

king novik: doomslayer, why does your bucket list have ‘Die’ on it? doomslayer: So I can die feeling at least a little bit accomplished.

doomslayer: You can't wake up if you never got to sleep.

valen: doomslayer, what are you doing? doomslayer: Making chocolate pudding. valen: It's four in the morning, why are you making chocolate pudding? doomslayer: Because I've lost control of my life.

*The Squad is eating dinner* valen: Can you pass the salt? doomslayer: *throws kreed maykr across the table*

king novik: doomslayer, what do you have? doomslayer: A KNIFE! king novik: Okay, have fu- ahzrak: NO!

doomslayer: *on the phone* Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference. doomslayer: Anyways, you said valen is enjoying finger painting! That's great.

king novik: Do you take constructive criticism? doomslayer: Not without crying

valen: I’m not so sure you’re stakeout material. doomslayer: I’m a chronic insomniac, I was born for this.

doomslayer: You’re giving me a sticker? king novik: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!” doomslayer: I’m not a preschooler. king novik: Fine, I’ll take it back- doomslayer: I earned this, back off!

doomslayer: What? I'm not aggressive! valen: Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips? doomslayer: Survival of the fittest, bitch.

king novik: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK! doomslayer: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

doomslayer: I love sarcasm! It’s like punching people in the face, but with words!

doomslayer: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to kreed maykr and not do the thing, doomslayer: Well there’s a clear right answer here. doomslayer: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*

king novik: doomslayer, are you drinking… drinking hydrogen peroxide?! doomslayer: It says H2O2! That means it’s the sequel to water!

ahzrak: You’d be stupid to lay a hand on me. doomslayer: Oh, you’d be surprised how much stupid shit I do.

doomslayer: It is 6:09 . doomslayer: I am wondering why I’m still alive. doomslayer: Send Wendy’s. king novik: The whole restaurant?!

king novik: You're smiling. What happened? kreed maykr: What? Can't I smile just because I feel like it? valen: doomslayer tripped and fell down the stairs today.

doomslayer: Cronch. doomslayer: You hear that? That's the sound of me eating sticks. thira: No, don’t— doomslayer: Too late.

doomslayer, sniffling: Calm down, I’m probably not sick. It might just be allergies. valen: Okay, tell me this: are you like, really tired? doomslayer: I have depression, what do you think?

doomslayer: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess? king novik: Your life? doomslayer: I- well yes, but-

doomslayer: I'm usually that person who has no idea what's going on.

thira: What are the hardest things to say? kreed maykr: I was wrong. doomslayer: I need help. Valen: Worcestershire sauce.

Marok: when i grow up i want to be like doomslayer. Doomslayer: that is called acquiring depression

#Doom #doom the dark ages #Doomslayer #doom marine #doomguy #commander thira #commander valen #king novik #Morak doom #maykr

doom the dark ages

MAJOR DOOM THE DARK AGES SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!!! DONT READ ON IF YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED OR ARNT DONE

I am putting my thoughts on the dark ages here, first of all I absolutely loved the game and even the gameplay itself. When I saw what the maykrs did to doomguy and put him on a damn leash and basically got rid of all his emotions except his hatred for the demons I wanted to jump through my screen and kill them myself. glad doomguy did just what I wanted him to do; kill the kreed maykr in a very brutal and painful way. Also when ahzrak smacked doomguy upside the head with his helmet made he laugh way harder than I should have, and his face? His face is so damn pretty and handsome I love it. And when he died and became the zombie version of him I remember before I got the game I saw an image on here with that zombie version and I just thought it was part of the dlc which isn't even out yet mind you, and when I noticed that I literally had to pause my game and leave my t.v for an hour just to process what I saw, and don't even get me started on serrat being fucking murdered by ahzrak. I was so pissed about that. One last thought is that the game was so great I'm going back and getting all the secrets while I wait for the dlc to come out since I bought the version of the dark ages that comes with the dlc

#doomslayer #doom the dark ages #doomguy #spoliers #prince ahzrak #serrat doom

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