John Walker Appreciation Week, Bonus: What made you love John?
Holy lore dump time (the context is VERY necessary 🗣️). Mainly for future me whenever someone inevitably asks me this question.
If you want to skip the seven paragraphs of long ass backstory, I left a TLDR at the bottom.
I was in middle school when FATWS came out (this made me EXTREMELY influenceable lmaooo). Obviously I was sat and seated for Bucky and mainly Bucky. So they throw John into the mix and I don't really think anything of it except for the fact that he looks stupid in his helmet. Bucky and Sam continuously hating on John for almost no reason? I was a very stupid middle schooler and thought "yeah, okay, that tracks." I thought it was kind of funny.
Fast forward to episode 4. I was actually really sad when Lemar died (in relation to how much I cared for John back then). Except the shield scene REALLY threw me off (as it did for basically everyone), and the fight scene afterwards (because I was mad at John for ripping Sam's wings and tossing Bucky around like a ragdoll). That compounded with people online complaining about how trash of a character John was made me believe that yes, we had to hate John. Then the second the show finished and Loki came out, I completely forgot about everything.
Fast forward again to when Thunderbolts released. I'm at the tail end of senior year and I was supposed to watch the movie with a group of friends. However, since I was very depressed and had a falling out with said group of friends, I watched the movie alone. Going in, I had a vague recollection that John even existed, that he had a backstory. He shows up in the Vault scene, and I'm still thinking he looks stupid with his helmet on. And I also think he's being very annoying.
However things start to change the SECOND he takes off his helmet and I realize he looks soooooo fine (sorry) without that stupid shit on his face. No, that wasn't the main reason I started liking him. It was partially his shame room scene, but mainly the scene right after when he looks down the elevator shaft. Let's just say I related with that on an unhealthy level (don't worry, I'm better-ish now).
As I'm watching him becoming less annoying to the rest of the Vault Crew, I'm starting to realize he's not "bad" like I remembered. I will NOT be detailing how much I cried during the scene where they hold back Bob, but I will say seeing John being the first person after Yelena to go after Bob did something to me. (I blame this on the fact that I would graduate 2 weeks after watching the movie and my emotions were definitely all over the place).
Throughout the summer and into August, I got back into ficwriting (which I hadn't touched since before high school), and used that as an opportunity to explore John (and the rest of the Bolts') charcters. On top of that, I rewatched every project the Bolts (minus Bucky) showed up in (AMATW, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and of course, FATWS). It was during my rewatch that I was able to see everything in a different (and more mature) light. The scenes that stood out to me the most were from Episode 5: John collapsing to the ground as he realizes what he's done, the fight scene, the scene of him in the courtroom, him going to Lemar's family. It was basically here where I finally figured out what made him relatable (to me): he had a shit ton of expectations dropped on him, and when he couldn't live up to them, he got hated for it. This and the fact that he lost Lemar, his literal brother, made me feel deeply for him. I'm very sure that developed a whole bunch of self-doubt within him, along with god knows what other tormenting thoughts. Though my situation is nowhere near as severe as John's, if you've ever been someone going through the college application process...yeah...you might know....
(Long story short my mother is. Well. Expects the unrealistic. When I didn't get into certain colleges, I could feel the disappointment and that did not do anything good for me and gave me a really bad time.)
...
And now we're here lol where I spend my entire day simping and crying over him and/or Wyatt and/or any other characters Wyatt plays. I'm really grateful that I have him as my favorite character, and that I was reintroduced to Lemar and Olivia tangentially. And also, screw the college application process, now I go to school in Georgia (John's state!!). Sorry for the lore dump but. Now you know!
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TLDR: John is much finer than he once was (lol), but since my frontal lobe is developing and will continue to develop, I've realized that he's so much more human and deep and complex than middle school me would ever realize. And this makes him the most relatable for me.
John Walker Appreciation Week Bonus: What Made You Love John?
Honestly, I did not care for him in the beginning. It is very hard for me to full on love/care for a character and it’s even harder for me to hate a character. To me they’re all split up into two categories. Character and Person. Basically how/why they’re used in the story and who they are.
I watched FATWS because I like Sam and Bucky as both Characters and People. I thought I knew what they were doing with John. Supposedly decent guy with an outstanding military service chosen by the government to replace Steve. Yeah I can guess where this is going. And I liked him as a character. Mainly as a sort of jumping off point for Sam’s own insecurities.
But what I didn’t expect was that he wasn’t a complete jackass. One of the first things he does when meeting Sam and Bucky is offer them a ride. No it doesn’t go well, but it was way more than I was expecting of him. He’s an asshole yes but he does care deeply about others especially those around him. Which is a character archetype that I’m very drawn to.
And like most of the Disney+ shows I didn’t finish it. Not because I thought they were bad or anything but I just have a hard time finishing shows that don’t interest me as shows. (Don’t think that makes sense but Idk how else to explain it)
So, most of what I was hearing after came from friends, some liked John some didn’t, but I was still neutral about him.
Then Thunderbolts* happened. Probably one of my top five MCU movies. And I liked him. I know they made him the butt of most of the jokes but I liked his dynamic with everyone. And idk something about how they portrayed him just clicked with me. In a “Oh he’s like me” way not a “They made him a fool” way. (Funnily enough that probably helped me get attached to him, I’ve got a lot of experience in that field.)
Just the way he reacted after his shame room. And that his shame room was about how shitty he was being to his family. It all just cemented him as a character I love.
So, I wasn’t originally going to do this in light of the disagreement I had earlier today. If you saw that I am deeply sorry. That’s not the type of person I am nor want to be. I have deleted it off my blog cause this is supposed to be a place for me to have fun. But fuck it this week is about John and I’m not going to let my shitty decisions stop me from appreciating him.
John Walker Appreciation Week, Bonus Day: What made you love John Walker?
So, I had nearly everything queued up for this appreciation week except the last few days and I planned to finish up one of my 'in defense of...' metas for John. Life got in the way and I don't think it'll be done in time, so I'll just post a piece of it. Stay tuned for when I finally finish the whole thing :P
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I was fairly indifferent to John Walker when he was introduced to the MCU in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier a few years ago. I had no prior knowledge of the character other than a vague recollection that Walker had filled Cap’s shoes for a bit in the comics and he really didn’t capture my attention enough at the time to dive too deeply. I didn’t hate him - I thought they told an interesting story with him and he struck me as a decent guy that made a brutal mistake in the fog of war following the death of a man that was likely closer to a brother than a best friend - but I didn’t love him either. That tends to happen pretty often when you have so many characters in a franchise. When I tuned in, I was there for the bromance between Sam and Bucky. Spoiler alert, I still love that bromance.
Fast forward to Thunderbolts dropping on Disney Plus. I put it on in the background while I was getting a few things done, not expecting Walker to be the one that caught my attention. The problem is, it wasn’t for the reason that Marvel likely would have expected. I found myself struggling to remember his character from the series a few years ago and asking myself (and the internet) “Walker wasn’t this inept in Falcon and the Winter soldier, was he?”
And the answer to that is a resounding no. This was a West Point graduate, Army Ranger, a man that ran special operations all over the globe, and was shortlisted and eventually chosen when the US government decided they needed to replace Captain America and Sam turned the job down.
I found myself wondering how we went from all of that to a man who was confusing space in the tower for outer space.
So I went back and I did a deep dive that showed a good, deeply loyal man struggling and eventually breaking under the weight of expectations and what struck me as a some imposter syndrome (like the good millennial John is 🙃). I found a story that I don't even think the writers actually meant to tell: one of how many of our vets are treated when they come home and how that ripples out, especially following a trauma like John experiences with Lemar's death.
I found a character that I may not have initially been drawn to, but that I definitely fell hard for on the second round. Like I mentioned above, I have a whole write up that digs into his character with gifs and examples in the vein of my In Defense of Howard Stark and In Defense of Tom Keen that I've done before. Like other favourites, I feel like John deserves a little defense. I just have to find the time to finish it.
John Walker Appreciation Week Day Seven: What do you want to see for John in Doomsday?
Honestly, as long as they don’t mischaracterize him just to make Steve and Sam look good, I’ll be fine.
They’re already working with a lot of characters so I’m not expecting too much for a single person. But I would love to see how his dynamic with Bucky has changed over the year they’ve worked together. I’d also like to just see John, Bucky, Sam, and Steve working together. Like, I need a scene of them sharing the shield. Like they’re fighting and Sam passes it to Steve, who passes it to Bucky, who passes it to John, and he passes it back to Sam.
Maybe I have a HUGE LIST OF SONGS that make me think IMMEDIATELY of my dear wounded soldier :')
• ♪ “I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real (...) What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away in the end (...) If I could start again a million miles away. I would keep myself, I would find a way” Hurt, Johnny Cash
No explanation needed — just watch and rewatch the scene where he’s sitting in that armchair, staring at the phone screen showing the fall of a hero, his fall. Where all he can do is hurt himself; not even the radiant presence of his son beside him can ease his need for self-punishment and self-deprecation.
• ♪ “I just wanna change... I know exactly what I want and who I want to be, I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine, I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy (...) One track mind, one track heart. If I fail, I'll fall apart, maybe it is all a test. 'Cause, I feel like I'm the worst so, I always act like I'm the best” Oh No!, Marina
Let’s go, folks — John wants to be what people expect of him, something their hopes can rest on, something good and safe, not flawed. His fear is not being enough; he has self-esteem issues. He never thinks he’s good enough, even though he acts like he’s the best person for the job.
• ♪ “If I was to talk about the words. They would hurt, they would hurt. So if you were to ask about the pain... I would lie, to fix my mind, I need time (...) Oh, I know that I can't live without you but this world will keep turning if you do. Would you even want me looking like a zombie? Would you even want me, want me, want me?” Zombie, Yungblud
It was the losses along the way that left scars so deep on John they turned into scar tissue — the kind that hardens, creates adhesions, and ends up hindering more than protecting. His world stopped spinning quite right when he lost Lemar; when he lost the idea of who he was after losing the Captain’s title and the Shield… he became a zombie of himself, of his dreams and hopes, of everyone else’s expectations.
• ♪ “I'm an exception, it's hard to accept. Because I try to be happy, but then I forget. They tell me I need to chill, man. It's all in your head. Maybe I'm paranoid... I don't wanna be myself it's making me so unwell. I don't wanna be myself just wanna be someone else” Soda, Nothing But Thieves
Does it need an explanation??
• ♪ “I'm tired of lying to myself just to get through each day. My head says I should've never left and then my feet will soon lead to my death. I'm starting to question if God tryna to teach me a lesson. I'm starting to wonder if my true colors changed since I left ya. And I used to shine bright like gold, now I'm all indigo. My colors are darker and cold I think it's time that I went home. And I don't understand why I always feel dead and alone. Well, I used to shine bright like gold... Now I'm all indigo” Indigo, Kelly Clarkson version
Shall we go over a few points?
It’s worth noting that Walker is a southerner — from a traditional, Catholic, obviously conservative family and all that.
In my view (and see, mine — if it’s not yours, that’s okay), he’s always been the golden boy. Not necessarily to his parents, but to everyone else. A boy who went to church on Sundays, who always had his two best friends nearby (Olivia and Lemar). Someone who knew the life he was going to lead — America’s golden boy after that other GOLDEN BOY (yes, Steve).
But then everything fell apart — his faith, his steps, his foundation (Lemar & Olivia). And he changed. He’s no longer that golden boy with dreams that once lit his own path. He’s the deep blue of an ocean sunk in depression, entirely indigo — where light no longer reaches.
Yes, I could spend hours (and I’m not kidding) listing song after song for him, breaking down every single lyric and explaining why I think it fits the character — but I won’t drag this out here. Kisses.
John Walker Appreciation Week, Day Seven: What do you want to see for John in Doomsday?
There's so much I want to see, but here are a few things:
I want to see him continue to grow closer with and that he's learned/learning to trust again the New Avengers.
John and Olivia co-parenting at minimum, though exploring the possibility or even getting back together is my preference.
Screen time with John being a present father and the New Avengers being the best aunts and uncles that kid could ask for
John getting to meet Steve Rogers
An honest conversation between John and Sam about what happened in Falcon and the Winter Soldier.
John going on a full rant at Bucky that he didn't tell him time travel was a thing.
Thunder twins.
And, the one that I don't expect to happen but would make me absurdly happy:
An alternate universe Lemar who lost his John somehow met with Steve on his way to the main universe and finds the John we all know and love. Cue the angst in trying to figure out if it's his Lemar or not. I expect that type of storyline will be saved for Thor and Loki (and I'll riot if we don't get it there, because it's a need for that story, not just a want), but hey. A girl can dream.
John Walker Appreciation Week Day 5: Lyrics that remind you of John
Okay, I have SO MANY songs that make me think of him!! I'll try to limit myself to three though, lol.
First: Battlefield by SVRCINA
This one makes me think of John and Lemar, not only best friends, but teammates who went through some really hard stuff together. Lemar had his back, and it's clear that John relied on his best friend and cared for him dearly. They both wanted to do good in the world.
Next is In Retrospect by RIELL
This song reminds me of John after he loses Lemar, and the flashback scene we see in Thunderbolts* about how he might have still been struggling with what happened- not just about losing the title, but also his best friend, his job, the respect of his peers, and his family.
And lastly, Wandering in the Dark by Ursine Vulpine and Annaca.
This makes me think of John how we see him in Thunderbolts* for most of the movie- trying to move on and do better. He made a wrong choice in working for OXE (though he seemed to have very few choice at that time), but he all he wanted was to do good, and it seemed he'd finally found his path again by the end of the movie. 💙
there’s so many parallels with them, esp with how they handle grief (of lemar and natasha) and their depressive spirals (sinking into dark thoughts while scrolling on their phone) - but i also love the way they end up connecting with and understanding each other throughout the movie too!! :D
john telling yelena, albeit unsuccessfully, that what happened bc of the red room wasn’t her fault since she was just a kid. and later, even though john protests her escape plan, he still follows her lead on it and does wait like she’d directed. also, during the limo ride, even as she insists they’re not a team, yelena acknowledges john is competent and tells alexei that john “actually knows what he’s doing.”
i’m also very fond of the exchange at the elevator when yelena asks what he’s doing and john responds with “i’m fine” and his clearly i’m-NOT-fine smile. the hm sort of frown that yelena gives him in response is so similar to the expression that john makes when yelena inadvertently compliments him to alexei during the limo ride.
them being in sync <3
and then that look they share after bucky reveals olivia left john, shattering john’s earlier lie about his family life?? the way john looks to her first with the little head tilt of “now you know” and how she looks back at him before her gaze falls. it’s such a quiet moment understanding from yelena.
and when yelena lashes out at him later after the sentry fight, john just takes it without snapping back bc he understands her perspective then too.
• favorite cute moment
overall, my favorite cute scene is jolivia’s pinkie kiss from tfatws ep2. but since i’m centering this post around thundertwins so-
i think the interaction during truck scene where they’re talking about their weapons is really cute. yelena is telling them about the widow’s bites and miming the “zzt zzt” and then john’s response is such a upbeat “yeah! :D i- i remember! :D” like that was a fun and fond memory they shared and not him getting electrocuted while they were trying to kill each other in the vault lol
honorable mention to earlier in their vault fight for yelena’s baffled “you’re not even my target??” as she tries to stab him and john’s equally baffled “you’re mine???” as he holds back her knife xD
• favorite quote (goooo thunderbolts.)
everything about it. the deadpan delivery. it’s clearly a throwaway quip. but then alexei grabs onto that comment immediately and that’s the entire reason they’re the “thunderbolts” xD
siblings of all time. they’re family your honor <3
John Walker Appreciation Week, Day Six: Favourite AU -- Lemar lives and John doesn't lose the shield
Summary:
There was a reason he hadn’t been willing to take on the role of Captain America without Lemar at his side. There was no one else that he could trust.
Read on AO3
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The first thing John had learned when he’d accepted the Captain America assignment was that he’d be shaking a lot of hands, putting on a lot of strained smiles, and biting his tongue hard enough to make it bleed to keep from popping back after a long day of dealing with politicians that had no idea what it actually took to get the job done. Just over a year after accepting the position, that remained a far larger part of the job than he preferred. Especially coming off of a three-straight-week op chasing down a man with financial ties to the HYDRA scientist Ethan Voigt that had nearly killed Lemar back at Christmas. There was little rest for the weary, though. All John wanted to do was go home to his wife, but the mile-long line of politicians that had sworn on national security that they needed a moment of his time when they touched down at Joint Base Andrews had grown to something closer to a three-mile-long line by the time they’d actually reached the capitol.
But finally - several hours after his attention had become more focused on the scuff mark on the wall behind any given congressman rather than whatever was being discussed - he hit the end of the line. The last member of congress that he’d meet with that day. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and he was relatively sure it wasn’t a train. Or an explosion. An explosion would definitely be more common around him these days.
John was following the aid that had been escorting him around to all of the appropriate offices on Capitol Hill when he heard, “Captain Walker!” shouted from behind. He turned to see a young woman - her dark hair pulled back into a half-hazard ponytail and bags under her eyes like she hadn’t slept in days - walking up so quickly it might as well have been a jog.
She knew him, but if John knew her, he was drawing a complete blank. He took a step towards the aid, a kid named Bennett that didn’t look a day over twenty. “Do you know her?”
“Melissa Gold, Direct de Fontaine’s personal assistant,” came the equally hushed reply before the young man offered her a practiced smile. “Sorry, Mel. Captain Walker is running behind already, and I didn’t see the director on his list.” When John surfaced, he was going to need to figure out exactly who this kid worked for and send a thank you.
Melissa Gold offered a long-suffering sort of look. “C’mon, Ben. You know she doesn't do lists.”
“Or appointments,” he snorted. “Doesn’t change that we’re already running late and he has a flight to catch right after this meeting. She’ll have to catch him next time.”
Oh, he was going to tell whoever Bennett's boss was that this kid deserved a raise. Bennett pushed the door to the congressman’s office suite open and John jumped through it like he was dodging live fire, Bennett right behind him like he knew what would happen if he gave Melissa Gold an inch. “Captain Walker to see Congressman Gary,” he announced as the congressman’s own aid looked up at their quick entrance.
John was escorted back to the congressman’s office, just like he had been for however many that had come before him. The man was deep in reading something on his computer, a pair of half-moon reading glasses inching down the bridge of his nose and he peered up over them. “Captain, wasn’t sure you were going to make it,” he greeted, standing and circling his desk to extend a hand.
“Sorry about being late, Congressman. Everyone seemed to want a piece of me today.”
“What? You thought being Captain America was about punching out bad guys?”
It took longer than John liked to admit to work through just how serious Congressman Donald Gary was being at that moment. He’d never been great with dry humour. He found himself trying to figure out if it was a joke or not long after the joke had passed. And that was why he needed Lemar there. Okay, not just that, but Lemar was a hell of a lot better at parsing through all the subtle social cues that weren’t pre-fight indicators. Those were cues John didn’t have any problem clocking.
Gary cracked a smile, finally giving John the tip he needed to do the same. “Sorry to tack on another meeting for you. I thought it’d be a good idea if we met.”
“You’re new to the House Intelligence Committee, aren’t you?” John asked, praying he was remembering it right.
“I am. Your old CO Harmond is quietly lobbying us to move yours and Hoskin’s oversight to the military. Seems to think you’ll be able to move quicker on the growing threat.”
There was a pause like Gary was looking for a response and John could feel every exhausted nerve being tested right about then. “I’m a soldier, sir. I answer to who they tell me to answer to.”
“But you’ve got an opinion, don’t you, Captain?”
John tilted his head and met Gary’s dark eyes over his half-moon glasses. “Loaded question, isn’t it?” A pause, then he added “sir.”
Gary chuckled at that as he turned, moving easily over to the set of couches in the corner of his office, removing his glasses and placing them in the inside pocket of his blazer, and took a seat next to a decanter and set of whisky glasses. He motioned for John to join him and he did so warily. “Your buddy Barnes seems to think it’s a good idea.”
“You seem to know a lot of people I know, Congressman.”
Gary chuckled. “You drink, Walker? You’re a Georgia boy, aren’t you? Whisky?” He didn’t wait for an answer, but poured a glass and handed it over to John. He took it and Gary sipped at his own. “Not that it’ll do a damn bit of good loosening your tongue. I hear that serum burns through it faster than you’d be able to put it away.”
John bristled a little at the mention of the super soldier serum, a secret he hadn’t been able to keep. Like a small town without the perks, DC couldn’t keep much quiet.
“I’m giving you names to check back with because you don’t have any reason to trust me,” Gary said after a long moment and a sip of his own whisky. “Harmond. Barnes. Those are people I have contact with for you to check in on me, because you’re gonna need it.”
“Is that a threat, sir?”
“Not from me, but you’ve caught people’s attention.”
“What kind of people?”
“Not sure yet, at least not entirely, but the briefings that you’ve been bringing back are making people nervous. Your predecessor was supposed to have put an end to HYDRA.”
“He did, but that doesn’t mean he and the Avengers got every last person.”
“And that’s the mess you’ve got now.” He paused, looking into his glass rather than drinking it. “If Rogers and the Avengers didn’t pick off every last HYDRA agent, there might still be sleeper agents. Watch your back, Captain. Don’t trust anyone you don’t know at face value.” He knocked back his drink and stood, offering John a hand. “You’ve had a long few weeks. I won’t keep you.”
John set his barely-touched glass down on the table and stood, shaking the congressman’s hand. “Thank you.”
He could feel the older man’s eyes on him as he left and he felt the weight of the warning hanging off of him as he made his way out the door. Bennett waited for him, ready to take him out to the base where he said Lemar had just called from to let him know the flight was prepped and waiting on him. That was the best news he’d heard all day. He couldn’t wait to get home.
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“Did you hear Bucky’s running for congress in New York?” Lemar demanded as John strode into the office space attached to the hangar to meet him before they both made their way to the waiting jet that would take them down to the base just a few miles out from Custer’s Grove.
John blinked hard, replaying the statement over again and Lemar shot him a look that said he knew exactly what he was doing and no, he hadn’t misheard him. “Bucky’s not exactly known for the whole shaking hands and kissing babies political bullshit.”
“Right? They’re saying he’s got pretty good odds right now.” His best friend stopped, tilting his head a little. “You think he’s working an angle?”
“I don’t think Bucky knows how to live life without working an angle anymore,” John huffed and slung his duffel over his shoulder. “C’mon. Let’s get out of here before I get a call that just one more politician has to see me or the world will explode.”
They started to wind their way through the hall and towards the aviation apron to where the plane was waiting on them. “That bad, huh?”
“Would have been better if you’d been there.”
“Nope. That wasn’t the deal. I’m with you on just about all of this craziness, but the politics? I love ya, man, but you’re on your own.”
“You’re better at it than me.”
“Well, you were the one Harmond put up for the position. He knew what he was getting.”
“Hell of a lot of good it’ll do us if I punch one of those assholes in the face.”
Lemar flashed a grin. “Depending which one, America might cheer you on.”
John snorted a laugh, but his expression sobered immediately when he saw a figure he didn’t recognize standing at the base of the stairs leading up to their plane. She was tiny, standing in a perfectly tailored pants suit, long coat, and heeled boots. Large shades covered half her face, but John had a sinking feeling he knew who she was. Especially when he saw Melissa Gold standing at her side typing distractedly on her phone.
“Captain Walker,” the CIA director greeted as they approached, “you’re a hard man to get a hold of. Not something I say often.”
“Director Fontaine --”
“De Fontaine,” she corrected. “You forgot the de.”
He didn’t care about the de. He just wanted to go home.
Lemar tapped him on the arm as he moved past, signalling him even as he said, “Let me check with the pilot to see if we’ve got time.”
They wouldn’t. He hoped they wouldn’t.
“I’m sure they’ll wait for Captain America,” she practically purred, taking a step closer to him and looking straight up so that her brown eyes met his blue. “Or for me. They’ll wait for me.”
There was something in her expression - in that unreasonably intense eye contact - that made John’s skin crawl. Not every cue that a fight was about to happen meant punches would be thrown.
She stepped closer still until it was clear even to him that she was intentionally impeding on his personal space. “I understand that you’ve been after Christopher Becker. I want to make sure we close any gaps between my office and your --” she reached out, her fingers uncomfortably straightening his dress uniform’s perfectly starched lapel -- “intel you’ve uncovered.”
As if on cue, Lemar poked his head out of the door of the plane. “Sorry! They can’t wait!”
John was pretty sure that she didn’t buy the lie, but she accepted it as her hand dropped. “My office will be in touch.”
He didn’t risk her changing her mind and mumbled an apology as he started past her, desperate to be anywhere else.
“Oh, Captain Walker?” He paused, an icy feeling of dread creeping even deeper into his chest as she said, "Send your wife my congratulations on your baby boy.”
His breath caught at the statement but he didn’t respond, instead pushing himself up the stairs without giving her anything. He hoped he hadn’t given her anything, but with that statement, who knew?
Lemar waited until they’d closed the door behind them and John had dropped heavily in his seat to stare wide-eyed at the empty chair across from him before he asked, “I didn’t think you guys had told anybody?”
“We hadn’t,” John managed, feeling a shiver make its way up his spine. “I think that was the point.”
Lemar dropped into his line of sight in the chair across from him, his expression deadly serious. “That was definitely the point. You think she’s gonna be a problem?”
“I think with HYDRA hanging over us, anybody we don’t know is a potential threat,” John said dangerously, and he could see that the choice of phrasing wasn’t lost on Lemar. Of course it wasn’t. There was a reason he hadn’t been willing to take on the role of Captain America without Lemar at his side. There was no one else that he could trust.
Chapter Summary:
Favorite Ship: Yelena and John are like siblings
The Watchtower is ready for residency. John and Lilu have joined the rest of the Thunderbolts. But Lilu is not ready for the Watchtower. She gets acquainted with some of the other residents and their antics, especially Yelena, who is her counterpart in giving John a hard time, all in good fun, but it seems like Lilu might be a little bit jealous. How many found girl-siblings can I guy have? Is there a favorite? And is Lilu sad because it might not be her? Because Yelena is cute even to her eyes.
The Watchtower was finally ready for residency and it was time to move in. John had gone back to his apartment a couple days prior to pack up the rest of his stuff, and I started gathering what I wanted to take with me, leaving just enough at both my Mami’s and my Dad’s respective places in case I needed to flee. And oh boy, did I have reason to flee. That reason had a name: Bucky Barnes.
Sam Wilson had been the first person overseeing my PTSD treatment after my rescue from captivity by insurgents in Syria, my rescue by John’s 75th Ranger Regiment. Then that thing with the Flag Smashers happened around the time John was called up for Captain America duty in the smallest of “small worlds.” Sam and Bucky did their thing, and we know what happened with John. But Bucky had one job in the interim when Sam headed off into the sunset after the “victory,” as it were, over the Flag-Smashers. It was to keep an eye on me until Dr. Raynor could maybe get me placed somewhere and continue my treatment. My PTSD was much more severe at that point, I was at least more verbal than I started out, but I was not the flippant, social butterfly you’ve been reading in these last few stories. I was a wreck. Jumpy, self-isolated, angry, grief-stricken, some of the scars from my “ordeal” still livid on my body. If anyone would understand, it would be Bucky.
He understood all too well. Maybe he had a thing for damsels in distress. He was very protective, very sweet, he really took care of me. I can’t complain about that. What I can complain about was it was too much for the mess I was, and of course because I was bereaved, I clung to him. And because we were alone a lot, you can guess how that went. I thought maybe it was serendipity. But then when Dr. Raynor came in and saw what had happened, she was furious; he knew he screwed up, and called it quits. Everyone was right, and I know now that they were right, but you can’t tell me it didn’t fucking hurt like my heart was put through a meat grinder. Again.
The funniest part about that was Bucky actually said to Dr. Raynor, “You told me I had nobody, now you’re upset I found someone?” But she told him two codependent people are not the answer to finding a healthy relationship. Looking back on this now, I thought briefly about John. Am I doing this again, or am I in a better place now? Even if I am, is he?
Never mind, there’s nothing else for it, moving in is the order of the day. There was a service that came by to pick up my boxes, the guy was a little annoyed when I told him I had two addresses but I told him Valentina Allegra de Fontaine was my aunt and that the second address we were going to was that of her brother, my father Robert McLovin, a Deputy Director of the CIA, and bro buttoned his pissy lip. I hate pulling the “Don’t you know who I am” card but come on, my Dad lives not that far from the Watchtower (lucky me), it’s not like I’m asking you to drive to Jersey or something.
When we pulled up to the Watchtower, I thanked him profusely and paid him a handsome tip even though it wasn’t that type of service and he seemed to think more highly of me for that. You never know when someone might come in handy for some hijinks in the future, stay on their good side, you know? Then I went inside, security had me use a retinal scanner, and I was through to the elevators, and all the way up. I’d already seen the layout so I knew if I hooked a quick right I could slink down beside the wall to the hallway and maybe have a chance to head towards the bedrooms without being seen.
I was halfway down the wall, looking back over my shoulder with no one in sight, and I turned my face forward right into a large man with salt and pepper hair and an enormous handlebar moustache. He peered at me for a moment, and then boomed out in a Russian accent, “Oh, you must be Liluana McLovin. I remember your father, tremendous adversary in the field, if you are anything like him, eh?” And then he switched to Russian: “So you are here to protect this merry little group of misfits, is that what Valentina has planned for you?” A test, to see if I understood? I could play dumb, or be honest. Best to be honest.
I answered back in Russian, “One never knows what Valentina really has in mind, but we play along until her real motives are made clear, so she won’t move against us.” Then the realization that I’d been made, and the rest of these Thunderbolts were closing in on us. Welp. So much for my stealthy entrance. Switching back to English, I said, “You must be Alexei Shostakov, it’s good to meet you,” and I shook his hand. “I don’t think you were here when I had that little meeting with you all when this place was in the planning stage.”
“Now we’ll all be one big happy family. I’m loving this! Yelena, come here and say hello to your new sister, but be careful, her Russian is very good.” Alexei was grinning ear to ear, I couldn’t say his enthusiasm wasn’t infectious, but it was hard to tell whether it was shared.
“Yes, yes,” Yelena laughed, “I had the pleasure once before. We’ve already been hearing about you all morning, Walker won’t shut up about his time at your mother’s house.” She hooked an arm through mine and started leading me away from the refuge of the bedrooms and down toward the public space of what looked like a lounge. “How did you put up with him for weeks, just the two of you? Was there any point you felt the urge to murder him in his sleep?”
“Oh, several. Especially when he caught a cold, but you know how men can be.” I wasn’t sure if I should be trash-talking John or not, even in fun, so I decided to broaden the jab a little bit. I wasn’t sure in general how this dynamic worked. I could see Yelena appreciated taking shots at John, too, and there was definitely room there for it to become an Olympic level event, but part of my taking shots at John was because... well, let’s be honest, I was having a hard time coming to grips with what I was actually feeling for John, and what I probably shouldn’t be feeling for John, and playground behavior was my coping mechanism. What was it for Yelena?
John was down on the sofas with some of the people I remembered meeting. Bob, who was very sweet; and Ava, who was nice but indifferent... maybe it took her a minute to get to know people, that’s cool as long as she’s not hostile. But John got up when he saw me and gave me a hug.
“Finally, I was beginning to think you’d gotten lost,” he almost bubbled, and I stifled the urge to say something along the line that I almost wished I had.
“Yeah, they finally cornered me,” I half-joked, feeling more uncomfortable than ever.
“Well, sit down, get comfortable...” he started, but I interrupted him.
“I was going to go unpack...” I started, but Yelena interrupted ME.
“Nonsense, unpacking can wait, let’s all hang out, we’re finally all together!” And she dragged John down on the sofa to one side of her and pulled me down on the other. Well, this was awkward.
“Yelena,” John teased, “Why are you such a control freak?”
“Because you don’t know how to behave in social situations.”
“What do you mean, and how are you better, Yelena? It’s not like you get out much unless it’s to murder someone.”
“Ohhhh, ouch, Walker, I think the last time I saw you out, you didn’t even do that much, you missed.”
“Yeah, but that would have been you that I shot.”
“You should be so lucky, Walker.”
And on and on they went. They really had the buddy banter on lock. That was my banter with John. Well, where did that leave me?
But then matters went from bad to worse. Alexei’s voice once again boomed out, “Bucky! Just in time! Have you met Liluana McLovin?”
Fuuuuuuck, here we go.
“We’re acquainted,” Bucky said to Alexei. And then to me, “Hey Lilu, how’s it going?”
I couldn’t even look at him. I just sat there, already miserable next to Yelena, my jaw clenched, and all that came out was, “Barnes.” I could tell all conversation, all witty banter, everything had stopped and everyone was looking at me. The vacuum was forming in my lungs, and I had to get out of there. I stood up, maybe a little too quickly, but whatever.
“I’ll leave you all to it, I’m going to go unpack.” Heh, yeah, I was going to need to do some unpacking on a lot of layers.
“Do you need any help?” John called out as I was walking away.
“Nope.”
I was down that hallway as fast as I could walk because running seemed like more drama than I already caused. I found the room with my name on it, put my finger on the scanner, let myself in, and hurled myself across the bed.
First off, why were Yelena and John so cute? Were he and I ever that cute when we hung out together? I’d like to think so, but I don’t know. She’s just cute in general, she’s funny and petite and her adorable accent. Her white skin and blonde hair and I am not particularly funny. I’m a complete moose at 5’9” and although my weight is listed at 160lbs with the Army, I feel like I’m pushing 180. I don’t have an adorable accent. My skin is brown. I’m loud, I laugh loud, and I snore loud.
Then the fact that they had, at the very least, that whole sibling vibe going on big time. I don’t know how much room there is for two of us to do the same act. I can fully admit to myself that I never had the self esteem for something like this, but now, after everything that’s happened to me, the trauma... I’m cooked. I can’t compete with this. Even though it’s not supposed to be a competition. The only reason it was working before was because it was just me and him, and it looked like Olivia was receding into the distance. Probably all indicators I was not in a place for a healthy relationship and I should stand firm on that.
And then the ugliness with Bucky? But how could I get out of here when Val has shot me down twice when I raised concerns? I felt tears wanting to spring forth out of my eyes, and I fought them back. I didn’t want to break down here. I needed to find someone to get my shit out of here and then I could break down.
Of course, though, I should have known... the knock came at the door. I ignored it. It came again. I ignored it again. It came a third time with a “Liluana, I know you’re in there. Open the door.” It was John.
“No I’m not. I’m dead. I’ve died. RIP me. They’re sending my body home. Please say something nice at my funeral.”
“Come on, Lilu, what’s wrong? Open the door.”
“What’s wrong? This place is a living hell, that’s what’s wrong. I’m going to go home, and I’m going to ask Val to reassign me.”
“Why is it a living hell? Yelena thought she did something wrong, she was just trying to be friendly. And what was all that about with Barnes?” John persisted.
“Oh god, just go away!” Oh god, oh god, oh god, why doesn’t he see? He’s just making it worse.
“Goddamnit, Liluana, let me in!”
I scrambled to find my noise cancelling earbuds and turned on music. I could still feel the concussive pounding on the door, and then finally it stopped. And later, Val texted me.
Aunt Val: “Hey there, you’re not crashing out on me already?”
Lilu: “I can’t stay here, Auntie Val.”
Aunt Val: “You can and you will. I kept your ass out of prison, you need to do this for me. No more questions, no more prevaricating. This or time, those fraternization charges can always be reopened.”
Lilu: “Wow. We’re family.”
Aunt Val: “I need you there. As family.”
Lilu: “Fine”
Aunt Val: “Let Walker in when he comes back.”
Lilu: “Fine. Wait, did he text you?”
Aunt Val: “Love you.”
Lilu: “Love you too Auntie Val”
A minute later, there was the knock on the door. I got up and opened it, and there was John, frowning. I stood back to let him in, and closed it behind him.
“What’s going on with you right now?” he demanded.
“A whole hell of a lot, that’s what. I’m entitled to have my moments, too, John, it’s not always about you. You didn’t have to text Val.”
“I was worried when it went silent in here, and I knew you wouldn’t answer me. What started it?” His tone still didn’t settle out.
“Yelena, to start. Bucky to finish.”
“Let’s start with Bucky, how do you know him?” John asked, still demanding.
“It’s a long story, Sam left me in his care for a bit before I transitioned to Dr. Raynor, things got involved when he knew better, it didn’t help my mental state, I’d have preferred never to see him again for the rest of my life. Next question.” I made sure I made eye contact throughout that entire answer because I wasn’t evasive, I was hurt and pissed off, big difference.
“And Yelena?” he asked, drilling down on this mercilessly.
“Yelena is a doll, she’s perfectly charming. I don’t have a problem with her.”
“There’s obviously a problem,” he retorted.
“The problem is there’s no room for me in this. You all had your tight-knit group, your found family, and the only reason there was room for me was because you had to split up while you waited for your headquarters to be finished. Now you’re back to normal. You and Yelena have the same thing that you and I have. I think now, looking back, that I must have been a substitute Yelena while you two were apart. That’s fine, I wish I’d known though.” Oh ouch, now that I said it I realize it’s true and it hurt.
John paused, I could see his wheels turning. “I don’t think you were a substitute. I mean, okay, fine, I like that kind of interaction. But you and her are completely different in my mind.”
“It doesn’t feel different, it doesn’t look different, and it doesn’t sound any different, John, and I’m not going to compete with that. There’s no room for me here. I just wanted to go back, but Val has insisted I stay, so I’ll figure out a way to make the best of it. Just let me figure that out on my own, okay?”
“You don’t even want to know how you’re different?” he asked, again trying to push to the heart of the matter, but I found felt my airway constricted.
“Is it going to make things better or worse?” I finally looked at him. “Because all of this right now really sucks.”
He walked over to me, cupped my face in his hands, and said, “Liluana, I...” But then yet another knock on the door and Yelena’s voice.
“Walker, are you in there with Lilu? Walker, I need you for something very important.”
John hesitated, but I was already pulling back. “Go ahead,” I told him. “I’m obviously not going anywhere. I’ll be unpacking.” And I turned my back on him. I couldn’t see his face, but the long pause before he finally left my room said it all. Let him be conflicted, he was enjoying his girl-friends before his divorce was even final. I was stupid to think I was the only one, this was karma reminding me that it was still a living force in the universe. That Yelena, why did she have to be so damned cute? What is it they say on the internet? “Would.” Yeah, totally would. I wonder if John would, too. *sigh*
