t h o u g h t s

JOHN ROBINS. 28. RELAY TELEPATHY.

[johnxrobins]

clarkmcrrison‌.    

“i haven’t. i wouldn’t. i’m just there for information purposes… for mass texts and shutting down the electrics. it’s not like i’m Anonymous and this is an organisation that i’ve set my sights on to destroy. i just want them to understand that keeping people here against their will is wrong. they’re not prisoners. they’re people. with free will and a right to choose where they reside.” clark sighed, shaking his head as he refused to have the same conversation yet again. nothing would change, back and forth. clark stood where he stood, and john stood where he stood, and that was on opposite lines that the other just couldn’t cross. 

clark was terrifed of changing to support the government. it’s not what he believed in, or wanted, but even if he did he’d be terrified that the rising power would tell the directors what he had done, that he was responsible for most of the information being leaked, for the technical mess ups. as far as the man was aware, suspicions were flying but they weren’t on him, and that’s all that mattered right now. in his mind, the decision was made. unless something drastic happened, that made it so he had no choice but to cut ties with the rising power, he would be on their side until they reached their endgame. 

“let’s not go through this again, yeah? all our conversations end up here and they don’t need to. we can talk about literally anything in the world and we choose to just sit on this like it’s the only thing that matters.” 

John laughed, scraping his fingers over the back of his head for a minute. “Isn’t it the only thing that matters?” …Wasn’t it? They were both focused on such different parts of the fight: Clark only saw the people who didn’t want to be in Lake Grimstone –– whether or not they should be there –– and John could only truly focus on the people who simply wouldn’t be around if this place didn’t exist. People like him, who were teetering on the edge of a void he knew he wouldn’t have returned from had he not been given the help at the precise moment he’d been given it. 

John believed in a catch-and-release system. Show them you can control your power, show them through time spent there that you won’t hurt someone with it, and go on your way. Come back, if you prove that you can’t be trusted around people who can’t protect themselves. –– Stay, if you can’t be protected by the world when you’re out there. But start here. Clark saw… something different. He didn’t see the born weapons some people had, or willfully ignored the devastation they could do if left unchecked. –– John wasn’t sure. They never really got past Clark’s intentions. 

“One day, you’re going to be too far past to come back, no matter what,” John said. “If you believe in every little bit that they do, then go. If you’re sacrificing some of your beliefs for what you think is better than the options given now…” John looked torn, pained. In a bind without anywhere left to go. “How do you suggest we not talk about this?”

[wordsnquotes]

“Even so, there were times I saw freshness and beauty. I could smell the air, and I really loved rock ‘n’ roll. Tears were warm, and girls were beautiful, like dreams. I liked movie theaters, the darkness and intimacy, and I liked the deep, sad summer nights.”

— Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance

[johnxrobins]

clarkmcrrison.

“That’s.. that’s not what I meant. I mean it is, but that’s not the only thing you know? It’s just hard, John. The hardest thing I’ve ever done, to see you and not…” Clark trailed off, and sighed, his eyes meeting John’s. “I still love you, and it’s hard, and I wish this didn’t matter to you but then that’s why I love you, because you know why you believe in and you stick by it. And the other thing it’s.. it’s a scary thing to tell someone. You don’t know how they’re going to react. You don’t know if they’re going to be your friend, or if they’re going to want to kiss you, or date you, or dance with you again. I keep it a secret here because I didn’t out there, and it got bad. You knowing wasn’t a reason to like you, it was a reason to not be afraid every time you touched me. Because you already knew. I didn’t feel like I had to stop you, sit you down, and tell you that I’m a trans man before we kissed. Because you knew. I wasn’t scared of you, or your reaction, because I knew that you already knew.”

Clark nodded at John’s words, and even though they were positive ones, they hurt because they showed that John expected him to move on with his life, to love someone else. He was ready to spend time with someone else, and have fun, but he was still not ready for more than that. “You’re sure I can’t sway you to the dark side? On this occasion, I can promise cookies.”

Deep down, John sort of wished that Clark hadn’t said the L word. Their break-up had already been too messy, with too many loose ends, because there wasn’t any of the typical negative feelings there. They hadn’t fizzled, they hadn’t abruptly imploded… they still liked each other. Despite not agreeing with anything that the group did as a whole, John understood that Clark’s intentions were good. John still thought Clark was a good person, albeit a misguided one. And there were certainly times and situations where disagreeing didn’t haven’t to be the nail in the coffin. But disagreeing on whether or not people should be allowed to get hurt for a desirable outcome felt like one of those lines in the sand that John couldn’t bring himself to cross over. 

“I think that somewhere in you, it matters to you, too,” he said, because how could it not? This was their lives, and for some of them, their home. Clark could walk away if he truly wanted to: John wouldn’t walk away, even if it somehow became possible for him to do so. He’d been at Lake Grimstone longer than most, and certainly longer than nearly everyone who he knew to be in Clark’s group. Thirteen years he had heard the thoughts of the scientists, of the security officers, of the heads, and the residents, and guards, and trainers. Clark could get into their emails and blank records: John could get into their minds. And what he saw, he’d fight for, because no one deserved to have their home destroyed in the sake of someone else’s freedom. …That had to matter to Clark, too. 

John shook his head at the thought. “I’m not looking at anyone else,” he said. “It’s way too soon. And I told you before… I never wanted this to be a forever sort of thing. Just a… you wanted more information before you made a decision. I want you to get that information. I hope you haven’t done anything you can’t undo, C, but just, you know. Come to the light whenever you’re ready. It isn’t too late, and I don’t believe what you said before: you can make a difference here.”

[johnxrobins]

sdance.

Sapphire’s shrug was accompanied with a loud hum, as she agreed. She could imagine it being disorienting. She’d known almost-totally-deaf people who’d miraculously ended up with hearing aids that helped, in the past, after all. It was a sort of sensory shock when one thing was switched for the other; she considered that if she’d ever actually gotten around to seeking out a healer to potentially fix her own hearing, if they could, she’d have been near catatonic from the shock of sound. She could recognize her own limits in that respect, if not in any others. “Being deaf has me in a bad mood sometimes, too. Generally it’s easier to hide when that happens.” At home, she hadn’t wanted her parents to think she was having any trouble with the knowledge that she was different, and she could still picture her fathers worried face from when she was small and frustrated with speech therapy to deal with something she couldn’t help. “It’s sort of why I like dancing.” Because no one expected a dancer to pay attention to other people they weren’t dancing with, regardless of hearing. “Warn me if you’re going to try to crack a joke about being deaf,” she corrected. “Feel free to mock Shark Tale as much as you like, I think I can handle that.”

“I’ll try to make better jokes,” John promised. It wouldn’t be too hard: he wasn’t that much of a jokester to begin with. One joke that landed left of center wasn’t the end of things if he didn’t let it be. “And I like when you dance. It’s the craziest feeling I’ve ever heard.” Thoughts were impossible to describe, so John had long ago stopped trying to find words that didn’t exist for something that only he and a very small number of people cold even try to articulate. But when Sapphire danced, it was like… yeah, it was impossible to describe, but it was awesome in the same way the ocean is awesome. It stilled him, filled him with a sense of this is sort of amazing, and made him smile. Awesome in its realest sense. While he was considering, he’d let Sapphire into that weird in-between place that they had, whether it was a natural connection, or one that had been wrought from their unwitting psychic conversations, it existed, and it was nice for him to have a space. I’ve never seen Shark Tale.

[johnxrobins]

clarkmcrrison.

clark hated it. the whole situation that had arisen between john and him. he had finally felt like there was someone that he didn’t ever have to hide any of himself from, and someone who he could be open with ( whether by choice or not ), but openness had created this mess, hadn’t it? since their last conversation clark had been doing whatever he could to distract himself. perhaps he was using people a little too much as a distraction - like flynn - but his like for the boy was genuine… but perhaps he had flirted a little too much, got the other too much invested. he didn’t know, but he could sense it every now and again. 

he had avoided john since their last conversation, as much as he could, because everything reminded him of john and when he thought about him it ached. knowing that he could have the person he wanted but at what cost? the cost of giving up on something he believed in? the cost of changing himself to fit with what john wanted in a partner? he couldn’t, wouldn’t. so when he finally stopped paying attention and accidentally ran into the other, clark jumped at the sound of the familiar voice. 

“impressive is certainly a word for it.” clark managed to chuckle, his shoes scuffing at the floor as his eyes glued to them and that activity. “but it stops us from going aorund in circles, don’t you think?” it hurt clark, that much was obvious. he couldn’t even look at john because he was so scared that he would look at the telepath and the pain would all come flooding back. perhaps someone else would have moved on already, took it as what wasn’t meant to be wasn’t meant to be, but clark was invested. because john knew everything about him, and still loved him. john hadn’t cared what sex he was assigned at birth, and what gender he knew he really was and the steps he’d gone through to get to where he was. john had accepted him, and loved him still. 

“how have you been?”

John could follow the tangle of thoughts in Clark’s mind due to his familiarity with Clark. …He didn’t love what he saw. There was some frustration and the opinion that candor between the two had caused their demise. John didn’t want to think that they had reached the demise level quite yet. He still… fuck, he still wanted them to end up together. Even though he knew that what they wanted was very different, and always would be. He got where Clark was coming from; he might have even gotten it if he hadn’t known his thoughts. Clark came in from a place where he looked at Lake Grimstone and saw some extension of his own experience of being pushed to the side, maybe feeling like he couldn’t make choices that he wanted to. John, living in the town as a resident like he had for the last… well over a decade –– saw a place where no one had to worry about someone finding out a power. Where he wasn’t institutionalized; where Gabe wasn’t kept on a farm because he couldn’t hide what he could do. …But they were both right, which was the hard part. There was no right and wrong. 

He followed Clark’s train of thought for a moment, frowning. “Okay. I’m sorry, I know you hate this,” he said, holding up his hands in a genuine appeal for apology. “Clark. Whether it’s me or someone else: please don’t let the reason you like me be that you think I liked you despite everything, you know…” He never said it out loud: not for fear or shame, but because he never trusted the walls around him, and it was Clark’s story to tell. “I didn’t care because it didn’t matter, okay? But that’s not a reason to like me.” He struggled for a moment, trying to find the right words, and coming up short. Just because he could hear the thoughts of smart people… didn’t make him smart himself. 

“Okay. I can’t find the right way to say this. –– I want you to have higher standards than that,” he finally said. “Okay? I want your bar to be set so much higher than that, because that’s not even the most important or interesting part about you. And I know that is coming out all wrong, but do you get what I’m trying to say?”

[mylifeisafightsong]

[johnxrobins]

( @lcrissa​ ) « open starter call

Dazed, John rubbed his temple. Underneath the blow of having been hit in the head, he could still feel his typical headache. …He just had a layered… double headache on his hands. “I’m fine,” he said. “Just… got knocked around a little bit. I’ll be fine, thank you. Thanks for checking.”

[johnxrobins]

( @clarkmcrrison ) « starter call

Putting some time between himself and the last conversation they’d had had been a good idea. For John, it had almost felt like they’d just broken up again; sure, they hadn’t been together in months, but that potential to be back where they started had lit some warm hope in him, and John had been disappointed to see it flicker down again. They both wanted the same thing: they couldn’t agree on what the best way to do that was, though. For John, the end could not justify terrible means, and for Clark, the pain of the Fifteenth didn’t seem like enough of a reason to turn his back on the group. –– It sucked. Royally. 

John had kept his distance, hoping that something would happen which would convince the boys one way or the other: something would be revealed which would make looking for a third option the only choice, or siding with a group which condoned using any means necessary would become the only thing to be done. Neither had happened. In fact, on the political front, things had been quiet. For John, it was almost too quiet, and he disliked that he was now waiting for the second shoe to drop. He had been a defiant optimist for so long that expecting the worst grated even on him.

John ran into Clark entirely by accident. If he had been paying attention, he may have caught Clark’s thoughts, but a distracted mind was the best way to sneak up on a telepath. Rounding the corner and seeing Clark had been a bittersweet surprise, but John put a smile on. 

“This is a pretty small town,” he said, tone conversational, by way of greeting. “Us managing to stay away from each other is almost impressive, don’t you think?”

[johnxrobins]

Open starter call

[johnxrobins]

sdance.

Her smile was sympathetic; after all, faced with the option of either understanding how jarring the sudden loss of hearing - of communication - would be, or not, she was leaning towards the former. Of course, she’d never had it ripped away from her, unless you counted whatever pre-birth thing had damaged whatever part of her was supposed to interpret sounds and just didn’t. “Note passing would have worked. Or texting,” she offered, fully aware that people didn’t follow sign as well as they thought they did a lot of the time. Sometimes signing slowly was more painful than not signing at all. “I usually like it. You caught me off guard with this, though.” Because a lot of her life had probably been played with a soundtrack of mocking, whether she could hear it or not. She nudged his arm gently. “A warning next time, maybe?”

“Yeah, well. It occurred to me after a bit that writing was going to be one of the only ways for it all to work,” John replied. “But in the… I dunno. I guess you’d call it disorientation. In the confusion of it right at the beginning, I mostly stuck to myself, and I was mostly in a terrible mood.” It was weird to admit, for sure. Sapphire had been born without sound; had lived without sound. Him saying that losing sound had rocked him sounded… maybe a little odd. He hoped she understood. At her request, he chuckled, nodding. “Warn you when I’m going to try to crack a joke. Noted.”

[skullinvaders]

[dateaboysuggestions]

Date a boy who curls up on your lap, even though he is 6’ 2" because he loves cuddles

[johnxrobins]

harlcyhunt.

“olivia let me in, and it feels like my fucking head is, john.” harley’s pointed look and raised brows said it all. “you know what’s causing this yet?”

John rubbed a hand over his face, shaking his head. “By nature of what this in, you’ll know when I know,” he replied, though the weary impatience from before was dampened. “I’m sorry, man. It isn’t me.”

[johnxrobins]

“Uh… I guess two questions. Is the building on fire, or something? And who let you in?”

[johnxrobins]

sdance.

She watched his face out of habit, even with his words as thoughts in her head. At least she could follow along between blinks. “How can someone be deaf for a month?” she asked, because he’d be able to hear the I didn’t know in her mind without her making it coherent. Was it funny? After a beat, she poked her tongue out at him. “Your sense of humor is weird.”

John waved a hand. “Just a bit before you’d have gotten here, there was a mess-up with someone’s powers. They had sensory control, or something? ANYWAY, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and ended up losing my hearing for a few weeks. –– OH, and my telepathy was gone, so I couldn’t hear… ANYTHING.” You go the last decade wanting nothing but silence, and when you get it, it chokes you. John offered a shrug and a small smile as he told the story, but his smile grew when he heard Sapphire’s quip. “Yeah, I know,” he said. “You’re not the first person to tell me that.”

[johnxrobins]

ryder-greeene.

Ryder looked out amongst the residents on the dance floor and took a sip of his beer. “I refuse to dance.” He stated to the nearest person.

“Oh, come on. Not even for your best mate?” John, who had come to the dance to let Sapphire listen to the music, stood next to Ryder for a minute, smiling. “You need to drink something stronger than that if you’re going to be a party pooper,” he remarked.

[johnxrobins]

sdance.

“I think I may be better placed than you to joke about being deaf. Just saying.”

John flashed a barely-amused smile. “Two things,” he said and thought. “One: I was deaf before, for damn near a month. It’s not my whole life, but it did put things in perspective. And two: it was funny. I had to tell it to you.”