Title: Beach Crackies In Spring
Summary: Crack baby fanfic with Jotaro and Okyasu on the beach while Jotaro mosies down memory lane.
Warnings: crack, swearing, crack
Jotaro Kujo awoke to his alarm at precisely 5:00 A.M. and headed to his usual spot on the Morioh Beachfront. He had to write a thesis for his marine biology degree, but he still had no idea what he was going to write about. Along with the stress of Joseph coming to Morioh, and Chilli Pepper still in possession of the arrow, Jotaro felt slightly overwhelmed. The moment he began to show some emotion from the stoicism, he heard a familiar “Yo!” from behind him.
Okuyasu Nijimura, the thickheaded bff of his uncle Josuke, decided to skip school and sit by the beach. Jotaro wanted to get up, but he decided to stay when the bald child asked him a very scary question.
“Hey, who the hell was DIO?”
Jotaro feels a tremble through his body. Just the thought of that ripped blond babe of a vampire made him remember the good old 80’s.
“Why are you screaming that name?” Jotaro responded with a panicked expression.
Okuyasu replied simply “It’s in all caps, so I assumed you could only scream his name. But who was he?”
“An old enemy of the Joestars, and I killed him. He killed a few of my friends before I beat him. Crazy bastard dropped a steamroller on me, and almost killed Josuke’s dad.”
“Josuke told me about that, and I was wondering something. Were you always so calculated? I mean, a guy as smart as you had to have been able to kick his ass no problem, right?”
Jotaro was sent on a trip down memory lane. He sat back down and began to describe what kind of kid he was. He loved his mommy. Played fun board games with her. Then he watched a Clint Eastwood movie, and decided he wanted to be a cool kid. Cool kids never showed emotion, beat the shit out of random bystanders, and called their mothers bitches all the time. Then DIO happened. That son of a bitch stole his great grandpa’s body, and sent his mother into a state of near death for 50 days. They had to travel to Egypt to save his precious mommy, and Jotaro was ready to do just that. Along the way, he met an Egyptian fortune teller, another Japanese student, a French guy, and an actual Boston Terrier. Oh, and his stupid American grandpa was there too. Everybody survived until about the end, where the fortune teller got turned into a pair of hands, the dog got kicked to death, and his class buddy got a big hole punched through him. All by two gay, homoerotic vampire men.
“Man, and I thought me and my brother had it bad with DIO, but he fucked you right up, didn’t he?” Okuyasu flashed a big, stupid smile at the stoic man.
Jotaro held back a smile and replied “He really did. Do you want to know how I beat him?”
Okuyasu lit up like a christmas tree “Hell yeah! What were you like in your prime?”
Jotaro described being able to see in the stopped time, and learning to move for a measly 2 seconds. Then, he gushed about punching a steamroller so hard, it was suspended in the air between the two of them, and the real epic moment where he waited for DIO to hit his time limit, and then stopped time himself, popping up behind the cocky bastard and punching his legs really hard.
“And you know what I said to him?” Jotaro smirked at the boy.
“Oh shit, did you tell him like ‘This one’s for my great granddad’, or something cool?”
“No, I told him ‘There’s one simple reason why you lost, DIO. It’s because you really pissed me off.’” Jotaro awaited his reaction.
“Holy shit, that is the lamest thing you could have said. Like, really, ‘You pissed me off’? Couldn’t come up with anything else?”
Jotaro looked like someone just slapped his first batch of cookies out of his hands and spit in his face.
“Did you even do anything to really hurt him?” Okuyasu asked with a stunned look on his face.
“I- I mean, I kinda crushed his skull, but not for very long. And I also, uh, broke his stand’s legs, making him explode. I guess that might have hurt him, or something.” Jotaro replied timidly.
Okuyasu laughed back, “Dude, I just would have kicked him in the balls a whole bunch, or even scraped them away with The Hand.”
Jotaro remembered that the boy had a similar stand to Vanilla Ice, except instead of his whole body annihilating space itself, it was just his hand that could do it.
“I don’t have to sit here and take this.” Jotaro scraped his notebook and pencils and started his way back to the hotel when he suddenly felt himself dragged back, and Okuyasu put his arm around the tall child.
“Oh come on, don’t be such a baby. Come on, let’s go eat some Italian, and I can just sneak back into class before lunch break ends!”
“Well, I guess I’m in a real spaghetti mood.” Jotaro smiled lightly.
“Cool, but you’re paying. I’m a high school student, and you wouldn’t want to stiff Tonio, he might be in some Italian mafia!” Okuyasu gave Jotaro a hearty pat on the back.
“Oh, good grief.” Jotaro sighed.
