The most beautiful day of my life
August 31st, 2021.
Meeting Joaquin Phoenix
I still cannot believe it, to this day, when i write it. But yes, this is... This is the day that i met Joaquin Phoenix. A day that was filled so many emotions that i still have to this day. Connecting to Joaquin and the amazing human being he is, but surely, for Joker, the obsessive therapeutic method of mine, that reflects in way too many details my past experiences. To.the point of almost fainting at the cinema.
This is what i wrote just after meeting him. There is also the picture of both of us 😭🥺❤️ and the link of the video i explain the whole life process, meeting him, roleplay, psychology etc.
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I am shaking; I am the happiest person on Earth. Meeting Joaquin.
So Marjo, how was your friday evening?
-How about i had worst days?.
I am flowing those tears of joy and happiness, which is quite different than those sorrow and heavy thoughts i have always had. I keep this moment in a warm place of my heart and mind forever and use this to go forward. I am still in quite a shock, shaking and crying.. Never felt that before, as i am not a huge celebrity groupie, but meeting Joaquin felt so close to home to what i went through, close to JOKER. Sharing this to him is beyond anything i could ever experience doing the therapy with cosplay; sharing this to him really really put a balm on my scars, this materialized what i can experience metaphorically with the cosplay. This is intense yet surreal.
I feel extremely grateful and privileged as i never thought this moment would have been possible first, second i never thought he would be so impacted. Let's just say he saw a broken woman in tears and in shock talking about her past experiences that are a copy paste of the movie, and he was extremely moved but also shocked of what i had to go through. It's almost to the point that my negative past helped me being closer to him.
A character that doesnt exist (but in my mind, metaphorically, he kind of exists as an entity of a sort, but i also, how can i explain, metaphorically again i feel like i always been a bit of Arthur, and metaphorically with JOKER's vibe it is who i aspire to be. And he understood completely what i meant. (Scene in slow motion when he exits the subway)
☝️Great Marjo, but.. How did that happened?❓
DIsappointment Blvd (Beau is Afraid) movie shooting started in Montreal, but i didnt have the time to go. In the last 3 days i went, knowing i couldnt meet him but being close to him was enough to me, and experiencing the movie making. So i sat in a corner, alone, watching, many times being emotional, looking down trying not to cry going through some emotions related to JOKER/my life.
I speak to a security guy there. I try to keep it, but i cannot stop crying. We talk, i share the connexion i have with this film. I am too moved by the experience, talking to myself inside that i should try not to lose it and look so crazy. I received nothing else than empathy and love, though. He said that i couldnt meet him, but writing a letter would be a great idea and that he could give it to him after. So i sat down, wrote the letter, shaking, crying, this being the most awesome thing ever.
I see him going outside, he is with a woman. *I am shaking typing these words*. She is his assistant. They both look at me, she comes at me asking if i need something. First thing i tell myself, is fck i bother them. (I have many mental illnesses, hypervigileance, BPD, complex PTSD, social phobia etc so i am easily scared of bothering etc) I am still crying, trying to vaguely explain what i explained to the security guy.
She is like "Oh...! Okay... Let me see something i will be back".
Trying to not have so much shame i look up and she is coming back, he is looking at me.
I look at the security guy in panic and on disbelief.
Her: Ok come!
Me: Hum, okay heh? Where..
Her: Come! Get up!
We go inside and i get tested for my temperature.(Covid)
Her to the team: Ok guys, her name is Marjolaine, she will meet Joaquin (..)
Me: I'm gonna wha.......
At this very specific moment., i did not dissociated. I think i just died. I felt SO emotional and at the same moment i shutted down completely and i felt i could faint. It was unbelievable to me.
I go outside, security guys are giggling watching Joaquin coming near me, while i was wondering if it was actually him or a robot because it felt so unreal to hear him talking to me and seeing his eyes.
▫️J: Hey how are you?
▫️Me: I had worst days!! You?
*Voice shaking with a lot of emotions
▫️J: Yeah! What's up? What's your name? I saw you earlier and i was wondering if you were okay, i saw you since a couple of days sitting alone, but i was like.. I wont go see her, she will be like.. who the fuck is he.?!?
*Me wondering if he just really said that*
▫️Me talking in a sarcastic way: YEAH OF COURSE WHO ARE YOU i have no idea!!
*we both laugh*
▫️Me: My name is Marjolaine... Hum. *Gets really emotional, taking my time to make sure of what i will say but the tears are flowing."
*He sits next to me, concerned look on his face, wrapping his around me the whole 30 minutes we talked, what made me even more emotional. I felt intense shame at that moment, and i realized how se actually just deeply connected on the energy level. I felt how he knew, understood."
Me:I j..i just... i just really wanted to.,, i really wanted to tell you.... thank you,,? Thank you because.... Without even knowing, you made a movie that literally saved me,,,, Kept me alive. I could thank of course Todd, Scott, Lawrence, the whole team, but the way you,.. *ny voice is choking in tears* the way you showed those emotions, the first film bringing to the fore both the multitude of traumas that life can have inflicted to me... I have so many similarities with the character that I'm almost afraid of it; I know that part of my capsizing emotions come directly from all of this.*Talks about the same abuse and trauma in details i had, the same thing about therapy, thing about being beat up (not as a clown but as a mascott (fireman dog), being bullied and beaten up in high school, the way people judged me, society treated me, how i got treated when i snapped and punched my abusers..* Here in Montreal, I am in poor health and very poor. For therapy there is too long a waiting list in the free services and they cut the services, like Arthur. Here is why, therefore, to cosplay and create so much in connection with this film, frees me. It's therapeutic. It is a safe filter to free me from my emotions. I use the characters as the therapy i do not have. You saved me. *I explain my whole roleplay process etc since the beginning*
▫️Him: *Started crying and speaks with a low voice*
Awwww, this... is is just so so sweet... This is the kindest thing you could tell me, and... what you went through, poooooor baby... *stand up and ask me to stand up* *Hugs me super thigh, for a long hug, while talking low*
Him: This will be okay, i promise.. Thank you so much for sharing this with me... I am very touched, really... I am so sorry you had to go through this, but so amazed by your strenght.. thank you for coming today... I have to.. i have to go back shooting but are you hungry? Did you eat today?
*He asks his assistant 'can i come back? go to restaurant or, no heh no time.. you know where the salad his, avocado.. No ah ok anyways*
He comes back to me 'Hey i hum, yeah i have to go back shooting, but hey hum let's hang out later maybe okay hey hug... take care' he runs. I go back sitting and the security guys are looking at me jawdropping super excited, but i cant talk, trying to process it all.
He comes back after a few minutes, he prepared an avocado sandwich for me, brough a salad, water bottle, Coke can. I'm super shy, i thank him. A guy tell him i have a letter for him, i give it to him and explain that i wasnt expecting to see him so i left my blog adress, and all i explained before. He hugged me thigh and cries, je came back a few times and i tell him in a very respectful way i know how he doesnt like to take pictures, he hates medias etc, that i wanted to get a picture with him but that if he refuses i entirely respects his privacy, he looks at me and says "ah come on, come" i follow him back at the bench, he is still emotional, we can see it on the picture.
He hugs me, tells me he gotta go back to shooting, and thanks me for everything. I give him my letter with the link of my website on it. I go back where i was, everything is too surreal. I talk to the security guys who are way beyond happy for me, and i go home. I go home, listening to JOKER soundtrack, walking at the St-Denis exit that reminds me one of my favorite scenes of the movie, the scene i talked about with him. When he exits the subway.
I think about this day everyday and cry.