miracles happen, once in a while

Hello internet! I'm Jordan Jinn, you may recognize me as the most popular user on AuraTube or from my famous ZapChat profile. Don't be intimidated my luxurious social media presence though, I'm just a normal kid living in Auradon - I just happen to have 19.3 million subscribers on my side if you piss me off.

[jordanjinn]

Do you consider yourself a patient person?

What about me would make anyone think I’m a patient person?

I want what I want when I want it. I can play the long game, but my whole platform exists because of instant gratification culture and I’m happy to play into it.

[jtvdaily]

[jordanjinn]

text 😉 jorjax

Ajax: I don't know, I don't know a lot except how to best stretch before games and how to best cool down and also how to optimally party without getting sick but it feels like lots of people know about lots more things and I'm not mad about it, it just feels true. Oh dang LOL nice. I've had sex in a communal shower dorm too, high five! LOL don't knock on vanilla! It's great. Its delicious and plan which means you get to customize it which is amazing. I love topping!

Ajax: 😃 I'm so glad!! Can't wait to see your vids, J. And aww, really? Thanks. I feel like people don't appreciate my willingness to be shirtless as much as they should.

Jordan: I'm sure you know more than just how to calorie count and work-out, but we typically don't think about the skills we have and use everyday. We kind of just assume people are good at them too, like socializing even. I'm not saying you're a genius, I'm just saying there are a lot of so-called smart people who never do anything with their life besides hang out in their parents' basement. At least you're living your life and going after what you want. ✋🏽 Okay, but I offered you ice cream, not a trip to the nearest frozen yogurt place where you can load up on all the world's gummy bears and boba balls. Would you really choose vanilla even with nothing else on it?

Jordan: They don't and it's a true crime.

[jordanjinn]

Text 🐟🥚 Javis

Quincy: Oh lol that sounds very charitable at least? But how and why did it have to be something like karaoke? That doesn't help the orphans more than something like a bake sale or an auction might.

Quincy: Why are you the judge lol? What have you done to prove you're the boy authority? And nope, my life is annoying and boyless LOL for the first time since I was, like, 13. I TOTES forgot Audrey dated Ben tbh I was just talking about douchey douchey Chad, I still don't know how Audrey ever convinced Ben to date her. I mean I guess I kind of knew on some level that makeup companies are lazy and mainly cater to white girls but as one of those aforementioned white girls lol I don't notice it as much in practice. Butter Bronzer sounds like it feels INCREDIBLE, I'll have to try that; I'm a sucker for anything that feels good on my face lol that's why I'll addicted to face masks. You think some employers would be able to realize that hiring an Instathot would be a good way to bring in business or advertise anyway but whatever, life is life, right? And you pull it off perfectly, I'm jelly. You know what I'd love to afford? One of those services that sends people new boxes of clothes like every month. That would be so plush! I guess I could always get a job but like? What part-time job pays a fair amount more than minimum really?

Jordan: Uh, because my father and I are super charismatic and enjoy singing and dancing and there's nothing the people of Agrabah will throw money at faster than a big Bollywood style dance number? Besides, I'm not auctioning myself off to charity so some skeevy guy can have dinner with me and me baking would just be a disaster. I mean I guess I could magic up some cupcakes but that feels like cheating if it's for charity.

Jordan: I've recognized all boys are trash and relegated them all to one night stand status. ⭐ Well, it's not all bad. Personally I think being boyless is superior. Not worrying about anyone besides yourself is liberating, particularly if you have a good vibrator or a no-strings-attached arrangement with someone hot who knows their way around a bed. Don't get me wrong I love Ben but Audrey is a lot of fun. She's got great taste in clothes, knows how to have an impromptu dance party, and isn't afraid of going for exactly what she wants. Ben used to be even more afraid of offending anyone when we were younger, it makes sense that he kind of just dated the first person who clearly expressed interest in him and also that the general public would approve of. I mean I kind of skip foundation as a whole both because I hate trying to shade match and because I hate the way it makes my skin look so I don't notice it too much. Face masks are amazing, I just got this great rose peel off mask and I can feel all the build up leaving my skin when I take it off and it's just the most satisfying thing ever. Oh yeah, Stitchfix sends me some stuff but honestly it's all a little tame for my taste? I like a little bit more edge in my wardrobe. I think there are boxes where you can just rent different clothes for like $20 a month though. I think my mom was doing it for a while but I can't remember the name of the company she used. Well, it seems like the jobs that pay well are the ones people don't think of. Uber and Lyft have gotten cheap because now everyone wants to do that, but online jobs like dog walking and audiobook narration still average pretty well from what I've heard. Maybe I should do a video about jobhacks but I'd have to do some research first.

[jordanjinn]

TEXT || JEMMA 👉👌

EMMA: I don't WANT to, it was just the first scenario I thought of where I wouldn't have to compromise my personal life. Though you may be onto something with the 'kept woman'/chaste marriage thing... Worth considering, at least for hypotheticals like this!!

EMMA: I'll be thinking kids are the greatest beings in the world, and then suddenly flip and think they're super icky and terrifying (parenting is terrifying more than the children themselves, but whatevs). Ooh Evans has dog videos? I've seen some of his pics but videos would be way sweeter!

EMMA: See, this game I can play! Or...not, because I wanna F or M all of them????

EMMA: Okay ok ummm sleep with Tessa (Valkyrie gives the strongest 'best one night stand you'll ever have' energy), marry Zendaya but she only just wins out because she's like slightly more age-appropriate for me and I'm not suuuper into relationship age-gaps, so... Kiss? Brie Larson??? Please

Jordan: I mean in a hypothetical where your average ASU student has the chance of not only meeting but somehow seducing two of the most desired men in Hollywood and one spare, it's definitely at least a little plausible. And jetsetting is fun.

Jordan: I like them so long as they aren't mine fine, but watching a man or woman deal with a bunch of small terrors that could potentially spit up on him at any moment doesn't do it for me. I guess I'm not into the whole "Daddy" life. Yeah, there's a really good one where he's trying to do push-ups and it keeps coming to lick his face.

Jordan: That IS the torture of FMK.

Jordan: I mean Valkyrie clearly has the most fuck you so hard you'll see another planet energy. And if you'd killed Zendaya, we would just never speak again so I approve of those choices. But you've gotta kill someone. Sorry Brie.

[jordanjinn]

aryapendragon·:

It wasn’t a concealed carry cos I didn’t have the bag to conceal it. So it was just like… an out and about carry. But, yeah, they could have totally done that! Dicks. Because the fitness center has great mirrors for me to check my form with and the fencing rooms are always super packed when I want to go.

No, I get it. I’m just surprised they weren’t more freaked by it in the past when you were trying to slide it in under the radar. They are, dicks, but y’know, if we caught them letting in someone else with a weapon like some of the male ROAR team and maybe got it on camera, we could absolutely prove they’re just being assholes and give them hell for it. I don’t understand why, but the mirrors are great. I’ve gotten a lot of amazing selfies there for my Insta.

[jordanjinn]

text ||# 🦃🧞‍♀️

Turkey: ...What would the difference 🐝?

Jordan: The difference is if you're actually shoving me in an elevator to make some shit go ⬇ with someone I hate, I'm going to 👊🏽 you.

[jordanjinn]

text 👅 jordo

Waldo: ur home is still in auradon even if auradon isnt always in your home. what's the point of trying to make sense of something that never will tho? that's just trying to force a circle into a square hole. idk about crowd appeal lol all i know is that those videos are the bomb and doing the tricks is even better. lol so what ur claiming that ur the only exception and the one true person who could never catch feelings during? that's a stiff claim haha. i think one person definitely makes people more likely to be anchored to one timeline and while that isnt a bad thing, you know, who knows? life is so varied and beautiful and if I stopped that for someone else i would feel awful. and i always thought i was a free spirit. im not sure what i am anymore tho. feels like im everything and nothing lol.

Jordan: I can only ever have one home and this ain't it. This is just the place of residence I store my lamp at temporarily. I mean there's a lot of things that once were thought to be great and mysterious and unsolvable that were solved like gravity. We can't just say things are impossible and leave it at that. Someone has to push at it. Just like when all of Zeta Beta claimed they were too good to hook up with Chad Charming but I KNEW. You'll have to try and teach me sometime and we can see if it's camera-worthy or not. I'm not saying that I could never catch feels. I'm just saying I'm not stupid enough to repeatedly hook up with someone who I could catch feels for and pretend it was nothing. Okay let's redirect, do you feel like you often float between timelines because you realize that's not a normal everyday occurrence for most of us, right? So you're not stopping anyone from time traveling or anything. You're definitely still a free spirit, trust me. No man, woman, or aura will ever be able to take that for you.

[jordanjinn]

text 👉👌 Menn

Isaac: Thanks, I think?

Isaac: and 🙌 to getting those correct

Jordan: You're welcome.

Jordan: Got any good FMK scenarios I can help you puzzle out?

[jordanjinn]

text 🙊 jordie

Freddie: I see your shit sandwich there, boo, but it's all good. Liam already knows that, I don't exactly make it a secret he got great abs :-p

Jordan: 😇 I'll try and return the favor next time I've got some serious blue balls over someone. But as of right now everyone just seems so...basic. No, you don't. But why isn't he doing anything about it? 🙄 That boy needs to get it together.

[jordanjinn]

TEXT || JEMMA 👉👌

EMMA: In reality I'd probably rather see them all dead than have to be, like, romantically or intimately involved with any of them (I'd feel BAD about it, if that makes it any better?)

EMMA: But for argument's sake... Based on their Avengers roles F: Hemsworth / M: Evans / K: Pratt.

EMMA: But as themselves like....switch Hemsworth and Evans, maybe? I may not be into men but I think I know a good father/partner when I see one, and his lil videos with his family are SOOOO sweet!

Jordan: How could you possibly want to kill Chris Evans? Like I'm tiny and full of rage and still my heart beats for him for some reason. Like old-timey marriage of convenience, you could just be a kept wife without all the sexual bs.

Jordan: That's fair, I haven't watched his videos with the kiddies because the idea of kids kind of freaks me out. But I do watch a lot of Evans with is dog.

Jordan: I do have an alternate "not interested in the D" FMK Marvel Edition: Tessa Thompson, Brie Larson, Zendaya.

[jordanjinn]

text 👉👌 Jorya

Arya: lol did you see the new ghostbusters movie? thats what im basing it off of. dumb as rocks but hot Hemsworth sounds great to me. im p sure being male is like the biggest requirement to being husband material, but u right.

Arya: mm I take that back, Tessa Thompson had some major BDE in Ragnarok. she could husband me any day

Jordan: Not in the slightest but hot and dumb has never really been in my wheelhouse, more Freddie's kind of thing. I like hot and easy to verbally spar with, that's my sweet spot.

Jordan: Valkyrie could get at me any day. Like damn, that swagger, that sword, that face. She's definitely got the most BDE of them all.

[jordanjinn]

text 👉👌 Jorya

Arya: why would u make me choose???

Arya: mmmm fine. F: Hemsworth, cuz im sure itd be great he is 💯. M: Evans looks like a cute lil angel and hes got dogs, gotta wife him up. K: Pratt. sorry dude, ur voted off the island

Jordan: Is it wrong that my decision to fuck Hemsworth is basically only based of Ragnorak? If he's just himself it's not nearly as appealing. But overall you're right, Evans is basically the only Avenger that's husband material. Or the only male Avenger at least.

[jordanjinn]

text 👉👌 Menn

Isaac: F: Hemsworth, M:Evans, K:Pratt

Jordan: I'm glad at least one Medici has his head out of his ass, congratulations that was the correct answer.

[jordanjinn]

text 👉👌 Jordania

Kekepania: Too easy, even for a lesbian. Fuck the pretty boy, marry Thor because duh, and kill the third one who's the member of an anti-LGBT church. No other answer.

Jordan: Well apparently it's not because you're wrong. Thor /is/ the pretty boy, you marry Evans because he's pretty and he's the richest. But yeah kill Pratt is obvious.

Jordan: But since you brought up a valuable point: FMK Tessa Thompson, Brie Larson, Zendaya.

[margotfacilier-blog]

Since none of you seem to be able to mind your business, I now have to torture myself and put on a jacket even if the weather doesn’t call for it. If you see bruises on me, don’t ask. It’s like none of you know the first rule of fight club. 

[jordanjinn]

Alright, first things first, it’s mostly me that can’t mind my own business around here and I have better things to do then bother you. And secondly, the first rule of fight club is don’t talk about fight club which you’re doing blatantly. On the internet where not only is there a record, but people can screenshot it so there’s literally multiple sources linking you to exposing it. Maybe next time follow your own advice if you’re going to whine that much?

[melodybythesea]

Okay, but really Auradon. Why are we all still sleeping on Jem & The Holograms? I remember when it came out in theaters and I had to go see it and then it bombed? Why? It’s a great movie, the music is banging and the actresses in it? Gorgeous AND talented! Hello, wake up people! The lesbian goddess Hayley Kioko is in this movie! If anything I’d think people would watch it for her. Please tell me I’m not the only one around here who loves that movie.

[jordanjinn]

I have no idea what Jem and The Holograms is about or why it bombed at the box office, but I have to admit I don’t get all the Hayley Kiyoko hype. I’m glad lesbians are getting that rep and Girls Like Girls was okay, but her music isn’t exactly bop worthy for me.