ShutDaFukUpJush @joshu-ay - Tumblr Blog

WHELP

Here I am, on a night walk in the winter and I’m of course, sad. I went to dinner with a friend tonight and afterwards all i wanted to do was come home to you. However, I just come home to nothing… I have no one who I (SN: I literally had to put my phone away because I started crying) but I have no one who I come home to, I was at the store and I saw couples going in to the store in their sweats and pajamas to get some late night snacks or things to prepare dinner and i realized I want that more than ever! I want to do cute couple things, I want to feel

Loved and it’s just really sad that I don’t have that. I’ve done a lot of work to love myself and I’m so proud of how far I’ve come but I still feel like I am missing a piece of myself and that is a lover, a partner, to call my own. The suckiest part is that when we’re together I feel WHOLE and I HATE THAT because I can’t have all of you so it’s almost like I’m living in this fantasy but sometimes the fantasy becomes real but at the stroke of midnight the carriage turns back into a pumpkin and I’m back being sad miserable cinder-ella and the thing is that I don’t want to take you from your life or make you something that you’re not but I would love if you truly deep down just chose me. I don’t know what that looks like for you and that’s what’s even more heart breaking for me. If you did chose me, how long would it be before we could actually be together, I have no clue what it takes to get divorced and I suppose I should also take your husbands feelings into consideration although to me it doesn’t make sense that he can “love” someone so much to marry them but then choose to not take how they feel into consideration and even broader than that (and I mean it could be because I’m not Poly) but I just can’t see how you can love someone and then also be out flirting and having sex with other people, it truly baffles me. However, I feel like you and him don’t view being poly the same also I don’t think you’re really poly, I think that you have been hurt and traumatized by past relationships both romantic and family that you feel like it’s easier to have some of a person’s heart then to have none of it but I want you to know that if we were together you would have ALL of my heart and would hope to have all of yours in return.

#lonely boy chronicles #love

cansu-m

cyberxbattalion

gameraboy2

Beyond Westworld (1980), “Westworld Destroyed”

lilsplashy152

#happy new year #happy 2025

Well… IM BACK!

I am feeling strangely lonely tonight. I have been in, I guess you could call it a situationship, for a couple of months now. He is in an open marriage and I respect that but idk I feel like neither of us expected it to end up where it is now. I’d say that we have recently been more and more acting as if we’re in a long distance relationship. I have been REALLY enjoying this as I really like him and feel like I finally found someone who wants me for me and doesn’t feel like I need to change anything about myself. The problem is that I don’t think that I’ll be able to keep this up much longer. I started out just having fun and being flirty but now it’s grown into so much more. Unfortunately I feel like there will never be a time where we will be able to be just us and that’s where the issue comes in for me. Like I said I don’t think that either of us thought that we would be where we are today but now what, how do we navigate this. I feel like I found my person and lowkey I think he feels the same but I don’t know that he would ever leave his marriage for me and I don’t think it’s fair for me to ask him to do that, especially because I can’t provide for him what he currently is getting although I don’t think he really cares about that. It just doesn’t feel realistic tho, I mean I keep going back and forth in my head and I’m like NO, I really don’t think I can share a partner, I want my boyfriend to be with me whenever I want him to be, I want him to be able to come over and hang out whenever I need him to, I dont want to have to worry about “oh, is he busy with his husband right now” the other problem is that he is so far away and that would be less of a problem if he was just mine but he’s so far away AND married and so he’s doing stuff with his husband and their friends and idk I kinda just often feel like, well what about me, I’m just here alone in my bed crying myself to sleep because it feels like I’m not good enough to be anybody’s primary choice and it really sucks feeling that way because I know I am good enough but it’s hard to feel confident in that when life shows you something different. Yes, I knew the consequences and possibilities when I began this but idk I don’t get many people that actually show genuine interest in me. It sucks and I honestly don’t know what to do, I really want to ask him to just make me his primary partner and then his husband can be his side piece, I honestly think I’d be ok with that, at least for a lil bit but then I don’t think I’d like that after a while either. I think my main issue is that I don’t see how you can genuinely be in love with more than one person at a time. I really want to understand that more because there had to be one partner that makes you happier than the other, is it because you both have been together for so long that you feel obligated to stick around ? Is it the money? Are you genuinely in love with him still? I know you shouldn’t compare yourself to others but it’s really hard not to do that when it feels like you’re fighting for someone’s full love and attention it’s like, damn I wonder what it is that I can’t provide that’s stopping him from being solely mine. I know this is extremely selfish and sounds CRAZY that I essentially want to have this man get a divorce so that I can finally be in my dream relationship. But…. It’s not impossible

-always good enough to be second, never good enough to be first

#lonely boy chronicles #love

arnabfactory

Fascinated by this phenomenon

Los Fuertes (2019) dir. Omar Zúñiga

Hello, it’s been a while since I’ve posted in here, I honestly don’t have any other socials I can post this in without feeling embarrassed 😞 I am here and me and my roomates just had a lil game night. It was REALLY FUN! but at the end of the night everyone went home and went to bed with their significant other and I am the only one who is going to bed alone.

I am working on loving myself so that I can be available to love others but it’s really hard as I have been in a depression spell and gained a good amount of weight, I’ve been constantly eating right and working out for a week so far and have lost about 10LBS so it’s going well but I gotta say it really sucks to really want and be ready for a relationship and to have to go to bed alone with no one but yourself.

#dear diary #lonely boy chronicles