I Don’t Want To Let Go

No one asked me for my life story...but here it is anyways. Trigger warning everything.

[journalofadeadman]

[journalofadeadman]

10 Year Obsession- Ramble

Do you know what it's like to be so deeply and madly in love with someone you feel doesn't love you back anymore? Like that person is no longer invested in you the same way they were all those years ago? You slowly feel that distance becoming more and more real and all you can do is sit there and watch that bridge that used to connect you and them start to crumble.

They say love takes work, especially after the honeymoon phase. But what if you're still in that honeymoon phase after 10 years? What if you're still so effortlessly and crazy in love with them, and every breath they take makes you fall in love with them all over again? What if, every day, you make time for them no matter what's going on or how busy you are, but they don't even try to squeeze you into their busy schedule? Then, you start to think, maybe you're just too obsessed. You're too clingy. You're smothering them...even though this is exactly how you both were when you first met. You're just pathetically in love with them, so pathetic for being this attached to them.

It's your fault though.

It's all my fault. Even though it's been 10 years of nonstop loving her, so much has happened. I broke up with her just shy of our 5 year anniversary. We were always fighting, and we were both always busy. She was working and going through personal stuff, and I was finishing my final few weeks of college. We were both struggling mentally and I gave up on us. I gave up, but I never stopped loving her. She found someone new after about a month. I was in and out of the hospital and moved to a different country. About a year later, we reconnected, but the damage was already done. It was already expected that things would never be the same. Her priorities rightfully shifted to herself and her goals in life, while my priorities remained the same...her. You know how people say that you need to take care of yourself and love yourself before you can take care of and love anyone else? She has all that figured out. I guess that's what happens when someone has as much self-loathing as me...you never learn to love yourself so all of that love and commitment and effort and basically every positive ounce of energy you have goes into someone else. So you start to become obsessed. Loving them more than you love yourself. Putting them above everyone and everything else, including yourself. You lose sleep just to adjust to their timezone.

But now what? You're unhappy because that person is no longer invested in you the same way you're invested in them. You're being selfish because you just want to be loved and cared for the same same way you love and care about them. You clearly love them more than they love you, but you're being toxic now...because the only way they can love you more or at least the same is if they put you before themselves. And you don't want that. God no, that is the last thing you want because you feel so insignificant, like you don't deserve to even be in their presence. All you ever cared about was them being safe and happy. So you sit there and swallow your pride, still trying to cater to their every need as if they were royalty. So then why are you complaining? If you truly feel so undeserving of them, why are you being so selfish and whining that they don't give you the same level of love, care, and attention? You know you don't even deserve it. You. Are. Nothing.

[journalofadeadman]

I really wish you wouldn’t tell me you love me anymore. I miss when you didn’t tell me that. Because not saying it hurts a lot less than you saying it, and feeling like you’re lying to me…

[journalofadeadman]

And You Wonder Why I Don’t Believe You When You Tell Me You Love Me...

I remember a time when I used to be on your mind every second of every day. No matter how busy we got, we always managed to find one minute to say “Hey babe, I love you. I’ll talk to you when I can <3.″ We used to talk about marriage, we used to talk about cuddling and being so god damned cringey with each other because you used to be so into all that romantic mushy stuff. Now I say things like “I wanna cuddle you so bad. Have your head against my chest so you can hear my heart race for you as I hold you,” and I feel........nothing from you. Being in a LDR, if you won the lotto, what’s the first thing you’d spend your money on? Or where would you move to? Wouldn’t your first thought be “anywhere as long as I’m with him/her”? At least...that’s what her response would’ve been a decade ago. 

And you wonder why I don’t believe you when you tell me you love me...

[journalofadeadman]

And you wonder why I don’t want to communicate with you. And you wonder why I question whether or not you actually love me...

[maybe-one-day-itll-make-sense]

[maybe-one-day-itll-make-sense]

I’d say “it was a good run” but…na…life sucks.

Time to go. I love you. I’m sorry for causing you pain. Being a burden. Now you can live peacefully. I’m sorry to everyone who finds this. I never meant to be a burden. I tried. I really did. God made a mistake when he created me. This world is now one less toxic son of a bitch.

I’m sorry. I failed. It was too hard. It was all too much. You all deserve better.

J

[journalofadeadman]

Bye

[journalofadeadman]

I’m doing great by the way. Thanks for asking. My day has been great by the way. Thanks for asking. What’s been going on in my life? Oh nothing special. I’m feeling incredible. I don’t feel alone at all. I don’t feel ignored at all. I don’t feel unloved at all. I don’t feel unimportant. No no, all’s well. It’s all great. Amazing.

[journalofadeadman]

🔪🩸

Relapse…

[journalofadeadman]

I’m not okay. I’m losing hope. Why do I keep trying. You talk to me for a bit, then disappear. You talk to me for a bit, then you’re busy. Or you don’t see my message for 6 hours. You didn’t look at your phone for 6 hours? Stop getting my hopes up only to ghost me. I don’t wanna do this anymore…I give up. If you don’t wanna talk to me, tell me.

[venusgodiva]

I really wish that I had someone to talk to right now.

[glass-fractals]

today has been really

really

shit

[tiasgarden]

not going to lie i’m super depressed and wish someone cared.

[za3ys]

For once, I just want someone to listen and not make it about themselves. I’m so tired. I’m tired of holding in my own feelings and emotions and being strong for people when they can’t even do it for me…

[tsaun]

Yeah of course it's nice to be needed, but it would feel nice to actually be wanted sometime

[whororhoe]

why does loneliness hurt so much.