JOVANA'S LAIR

young trans girl who just wants to share some thoughts she has

[jovanaslair]

decided i want to do art

yeah so i want to draw more specifically, and painting also seems cool. purely digital because i really dont want to deal with like paper and stuff but i figure art is art. so for a bit of background i havent drawn much at all since i was really young and ive always been in awe with like drawing and the process and i really, really just wanna do it you know? i also love character art and want to draw myself as a character and draw my favorite characters and all that. so im starting simple, drawabox and doodles. im trying to be lenient on myself, and try to take this healthily and not put too much pressure on myself. Exercise 1: Superimposed Lines so for this first one i wanted to really practice like just accuracy and i also wanted to push myself a bit further than like what they recommended with different angles and such. i stopped when i got tired. im not super happy with the result but i did feel myself becoming slightly better as i went on which is always good. this is also where i was like "okay i really need to practice drawing lines at various angles" so i started doing that and you can tell by which end the lines fray which direction i took each of these. if i were to rate this from where i would like to be, i'd say this is about a 1. not too terrible.

Exercise 2: Ghosted Lines this one was definitely kind of a mess and i got tired of it quick. not a exercise i think im gonna be repeating, but it did help a decent amount with understanding some general concepts in how i should be making these marks. it was also at this point i realized my hand was sticking to my tablet which made it a bit difficult to make clean lines so right after this i got a piece of paper and put it under my palm, which didnt help a ton but it helped enough. 2/10 i would say.

Exercise 3: Ghosted Planes i liked this exercise because it didnt feel like a complete mess. i definitely messed up a couple of times and its not a great result but i liked the exercise (my favorite one being the superimposed lines exercise) and i could feel myself getting better, especially with ghosting the lines in which i realized i wasn't ghosting enough. 4/10

Exercise 4: Small Doodle and i figured what is the point of drawing if you're not gonna draw anything. this is kind of why ive been so averse to drawing is i always was like "i have to draw it right" and i could never draw right but i figure doodling is enough to intentionally supposed to be like "throw out the rules" that im a bit more comfortable doing it. i was actually super happy about this doodle, its a kind of charming doodle, and i just liked doing it which is the point, of course. 5/10

"fox on a skateboard" overall im enjoying this and hope to see some decent results. i think i should take the time to draw like faces and stuff because that kind of seems like a rite of passage and seems to be great practice as well

makes me wonder the philosophical implications of why everyone chooses to draw faces

[jovanaslair]

How to get shit done

I have a tendency to struggle with what others would call "executive dysfunction." It looks like ADHD from the outside, which is fair, people with ADHD tend to struggle with executive dysfunction AFAIK (im not a psychologist) but they are not one and the same. IN ANY CASE, I have a lot of different interests, hobbies, and projects I work on and juggle and I used to struggle a lot with progressing. In fact prior to about a week ago, I was flatlining. I wasn't getting ANYTHING done. The entire month of May was just me barely existing. But, I figured out a solution, which may be obvious BUT! Choose one thing. Create a small, easily achievable goal for it. Stick to it until it is complete, no matter how annoyed you get or how long it takes. If you do the "small, easily achievable goal" part right, you won't get annoyed. I guess this is within the SMART framework but I'm putting it in slightly easier to digest terms. Here's a fun example, and one I am proud of, from the first day: Beat this (one i was stuck on) level in Quake. That's it! I literally couldn't bring myself to play VIDEO GAMES I was flatlining so badly. But putting something into small, easily achievable goals, I was able to beat that level in Quake, and I actually did something. I did this with a few things, all in that same day! Finish this small part of this program. (a programming project I was working on) Practice drawing for 15 minutes. (a skill I had been neglecting) Start learning blender, and get familiar with some very minor basics. (This was a bit less defined, but I still got more done just telling myself to start on it and learn something rather than not doing anything) And a few other things I don't quite remember. Anywho, that one day was the most productive I had felt personally for months. And since, not even a week later, I've been getting stuff done and I feel good about it. I feel better.

Hope this helps anyone stuck in this same rut.

[jovanaslair]

ai

ngl i love ai but lets be real nobody has a clue how to use this shit. i do some programming & screenwriting here and there and i use ai simply as a sort of friend to bounce ideas off of and to get some help on understanding theory or concepts im struggling to get right rather than a drag and drop replacement for effort. if you want to use ai, be responsible about it. not only is getting it to do everything for you (like your work or hobbies) sad, pathetic, and downright absolute loser behavior but it's also not good for anybody. what happened to soul, to effort, yk? like i deeply respect human artists. they pour their soul, their heart, their every last drop of blood into making the most beautiful things, the most horrific things, the most depressing things, the most amazing things, the most intelligent things, the most dumb things that there is to make. it is the foundation of culture itself. and then you, mr 30 year old fat ass in his basement is gonna throw that all away so you can say "why do art? ai can do it!"" disgusting

maybe a bit emotionally charged towards the end there.

[jovanaslair]

morals

I am diagnosed with ASPD. Some of you may know it as "sociopathy" in my case. I'm a bit of an outlier (comorbid BPD) but I still share all the classic textbook symptoms. In any case, I've noticed that like... I have morals. Not in the sort of "I must do the right thing!" or the empathetic way, but in a sort of purely utilitarian, logical sense. Like, I'd probably do a lot of bad stuff if it lacked consequence. Not to just me, but the greater good (which includes me. Self-serving uber alles, really.)

For example, a really small example. Let's say that I am a car mechanic, and that I get this car in, and I see that the issue is a small, quick fix. But I'm stupid, I'm greedy so I go "Ma'am, your car needs the entire transmission to be RIPPED OUT. Like, if you drive another MILE in this thing you're gonna die." All this big talk, and I put it in the parking lot and call her in 3 months and charge her 3000 dollars. (numbers and ideas freshly squeezed from my ass, I got no idea what a mechanic is like I've always done it myself.) Sure, I got that money. But people aren't idiots. Sooner or later someone will see the bullshit. Then they review me, people start thinking critically about my services, and sooner or later I'm being sued. On top of that, think about them. I just charged them 3000 for a 120 buck job. Where could that 2980 other dollars have gone? Into the system, eventually to be fed back into my wealth. And not just in the classical sense of "net worth" but rather how nice it is to live. Those 2980 dollars could've gone into a business idea that could've soared and made life a hell of a lot easier to me. Improved the economy. Whatever. But no, I had to be a stupid, foul IDIOT who scams people. All theoretical, of course. I don't do this shit because this is so god damn stupid. Why would you do a "bad thing"? It literally never benefits anybody in the long run. Sure, short-term you might feel powerful, have the big bucks, whatever, but sooner or later that shit is gonna backfire, and it's gonna blow your head off.

Don't do dumb things, kids.

I guess my point is, ethics and morals exist for a reason. They aren't just some god given rules to follow, they make a ton of sense and always benefit you (in the long run, if you aren't a moron) I'm not driven by empathy, I really don't care about other people. Not like in a edgy, "I hate people" way but I just don't really feel a lot when it comes to other people. I do enjoy engaging with people, but its almost always on a pure entertainment level, rather than any sort of deep connection. I help people, too. I'll always be there for my friends (at least, I was there... a different topic.) because in the end to do wrong by them is to do wrong by yourself. I've ended up in this boat where I'm thinking about "what is for the greater good?" and it always ends up in the conclusion "do the right thing." Bit of a long one.

[jovanaslair]

meaning of life

i dont even think there is any nihilistic view i am still feeling things i am still living life i am still capable of deciding things for myself even if by the end my entire life can be calculated before i even live it, because there's a sort of inevitability to life. like you've already made all the decisions you're gonna make but they're still yours. they're still your electrons running through your brain, even if it could be calculated from zero day

yes everything is calculable but the point im trying to make is that the calculations are derived from your actions. if you created a formula for everything that would ever happen in the universe, you existing predetermines that formula. YOU did it. you were the force to change it. if you didnt exist, then it wouldn't be the same. and that goes for every person. your decisions are still yours. entirely.

to simulate the universe you would have to simulate YOU. and not YOU as in the chemicals running through your body, but YOU as in your mind, your heart, your soul. because you are made of atoms, and everything is still predetermined but it was YOUR atoms that made those decisions. NOT anybody else's

its a very healthy way i think to perceive the universe. you are what determines the predetermined universe i guess

its just random thoughts i had about the universe i didnt really get it from anywhere its just my raw thinking

the meaning of life for me is life. yk? not in the "you get to experience it" way crap but life period. idk

[jovanaslair]

Fun things to do other than watch YouTube

Play video games

Study (if you find that fun, like I do)

Draw or paint

Practice an instrument

Indulge in other hobbies

Work on that project you keep putting off

Learn a language

Jog

Go for a hike

Sit on a bench and listen to some tunes

People get so caught up in doom scrolling YouTube shorts, or even the home page that they forget that they can do so much fun stuff outside of it!

If you ever have trouble with getting the motivation to do it, try setting a timer for 10 minutes. Tell yourself that for those 10 minutes, you will just do something other than doom scrolling.

For example, I use a spin the wheel website, and it allows me to randomly pick something to do for 10 minutes.

Often times, you'll find something you want to do! If you can't find something to do-- resting is always an option. <3 Take care of yourselves!