Thinking Out Loud

Sometimes I have too many thoughts....All the Time

[joyrich92]

Waves

I’m up and I’m down 

Carrying things through 

Overwhelmed and drowned out 

I’m crashing now 

Sinking into sand 

I’m looking for someone 

...to hold me 

Rushing 

Bold 

Scared of my strength 

Losing all control 

I’m desperate to collide again 

My falling mist like rain 

I’m up and down

I’m pressing pain

[joyrich92]

Water  (Here’s some more Quarantine)

Going where you go 

Bending how you bend 

Flowing where you flow 

Pieces of my heart 

Brought to you by wind 

Sinking deep within 

Soaking in your skin 

Im still going where you go 

Why won’t you bend how I bend 

My heart only 

flows where you flow

Pieces landing 

in your skin

Washed over 

by my grin 

[joyrich92]

Quarantine Poetry (Puddle)

Adding and taking away 

You step & stomp

I stay 

Feeling it all 

Fall into me 

Pour out please 

Watching you 

Reflecting trees 

I’m down here gathering 

Waiting for my moment to fade 

Understanding shrinking is okay 

When the sun is up 

I am down 

Collecting your smiles and frowns 

[joyrich92]

Quarantine Poetry  (Box)

Never  out of line 

Never out place 

I count 1234 

You are in my space 

Packed up 

Pretty 

Neat

I’m everywhere 

..you moved me 

But what if I want to come out 

To play 

To fold & bend 

I count about 

1234

Back at your door 

Moved & shifted

I’m cornered 

I’m Lifted 

Never out of line 

Never out of place 

You keep me in your space 

[joyrich92]

Quarantine Poetry  (Rust)

All Alone 

Forgotten 

Broken 

Unused 

Is being Neglected 

The same as being abused 

Time goes 

I’m someone people don’t know 

Building up over time

Still Alone 

I’m drying out 

I’m over grown 

My color fades 

And burns red 

I stain my pain 

On you hands

Hoping you remember me 

…Rusty 

[lustf0rside]

[joyrich92]

You’re Not Here

It’s been about eight years and I sometimes still think that I’m gonna wake up to the sound of your soft singing voice and the aroma of fresh coffee and breakfast. Like every Saturday and some random week days. I wake up expecting for things to be the same. It’s very foolish of me. I know, I get it. I thought I had accepted it.

It’s been eight years. Everything is different. We’re in a new house with new cars, new furniture, new land, new people, new relationships. However, I expect the same thing. You fit into my newness. I fit you in my newness. I smell the breakfast and hear your voice in the new kitchen. I see you sitting on the new couch. I’m with you on the new walk way. I introduce you to my new friends and it all seems normal in my mind. I know, I know. This makes no sense because you’re gone. I thought I had accepted it.

It’s been eight years of me lying to myself. Telling myself that I’ve accepted that you’re gone. I talk about it, I joke about it, I cry about it, I obsess about it. But I just can’t accept that you’re gone. You are not here. My heart and my head don’t accept that you are not here. In my mind you are on pause and I wait for you to walk through our new doors. I wait for you to acknowledge the new cars. I wait up to talk you in the kitchen like we use to. I wait to hear your voice. I wait to see you smile. I wait for your embrace. I wait and wait and I keep on waiting for someone to press play.

My head tries to tell my heart that you’re not paused. You’ve stopped. You’re life stopped. It’s ended and you are gone. We’re not waiting to hit play. It’s over, it’s done. But I’m not done. I’m pushing play again and again. The memories and history. The summer sweets and warm winter squeeze. It’s all on repeat. But it’s my imagination because I keep hitting play and nothing is happening.

You are gone and I tell myself this isn’t happening. It’s been eight years and I’m just now realizing that this is my reality.

[deadg4l]

nobody ever told me that grief felt just like fear

[hug-ghosts]

📝 Things that I didn’t know were OCD.

Re-reading your posts over and over in fear of mistakes.

Reviewing a past conversation over and over again.

Getting stuck on a task.

Inability to complete homework because you’re stuck on a question.

Frantically worried about saying something horrific.

Paranoia about consequences and harm.

Trouble sleeping because my mind is busy.

Frequently remembering important events because I’m scared of forgetting.

Procrastinating because I’m scared that I’m not good enough.

Difficulty of letting go of mistakes and regrets.

Messy room.

Obsessing over what people think of you.

[joyrich92]

Hmmm I didn’t know

[joyrich92]

Tangled String

I have thing about me where I really enjoy untangling string or wire or anything that seems to be jumbled up and knotted. I like to fix things and put them into order. It’s how I've been for a while now, though I don’t think I was this way as a kid. The older I got the more I began to be aware of it and more I began to obsess about fixing things. I try and making sure that everything is as orderly as possible. I have this unrealistic idea that I need to independently straighten things out. 

The first moment I realized that this was a real thing for me I was at a Culver’s enjoying a burger and some fries. I had finished eating my burger and instead of continuing to eat my fries out of the basket like the other people at my table I kind of tuned everything out. The only thing I focused on was how I could line the fries up and put them in a line according to height. I didn’t realize how focused I was on the fries until someone pointed out what I was doing and commented on it. I felt a little embarrassed and awkward. I looked up then back down at the fries and I started to make a joke about it, because that’s how I deal with awkward things. I usually laugh them away or I make things so much more awkward it becomes a joke. That way nothing is taken too seriously and I can continue to hide behind all of my weird quirks. 

When I think back to that moment with the fries I start to think about all the things in my life that are currently not in order that need fixing and organization. That thought then takes me down this overwhelming path of how messy and tangled up things are in my life at the moment. I start to feel all jumbled up inside and my mind can’t focus on anything because I’m trying too hard to think of how I can fix everything all at once. Before I know it my mind is running and I am out of breath and I feel like a ball of wire or string that got all tangled up somehow. 

I try and sort through my thoughts and find answers the same way one tries to untangle string. I take the end piece I can find and I follow it and weave it in and out of loops and holes trying to trace and straighten it out. I think back to when things started getting complicated or when a situation took a turn for the worse. I try and find when I began to feel unsatisfied with things or the moment that I began to retreat and draw away from whatever is making me uncomfortable or in some cases too comfortable. Sometimes I’m successful and I began to straighten and untangle my messy experiences and everything is back in line. There’s that clarity and a peace to situations. Other times I’m not as successful as I’d hoped and things seem to be even more tangled than when I first started and I feel worse about a thing than when I first started. In the moment that things feel worse I hav not remind myself to take a step back and to breathe. Because untangling string requires patience and depending on how tangled things are it could be a two man job. 

It’s not realistic for me to think that I can fix and order everything. Especially when everting on the inside of me is so tangled I can’t stand it. Obsessing, overthinking, lining up fries, and untangling string in my hands is not going to untangle the very tangled up parts of me and the moments in my life when things became a mess. The only way things will straighten out and untangle themselves is with time and patience. Every minute that passes and moment that I practice patience I know that part of me are being untangled. Rushing and obsessing only makes more knots and tangles. 

[joyrich92]

Lost my(self) Clarity

So a few years ago I had such a clear picture of my identity and destiny. I knew who I was, what I was called to and where I was going. The path to get there was clear and although I knew it wasn't going to be easy I knew that it wasn’t impossible. There’s nothing you could say at that time to get me off course. Knowing who I was and where I was headed was the anchor to everything I had going on at the time.

Now I’m in a place where I can't see my destiny, my path or my purpose that was once so clear. I have heard words spoke of it and I want to believe it, but I'm filled with so much doubt some times that it’s all so unclear. I want to see it with the clarity I once did. I want to believe it without any hindering thoughts however I can’t. It seems like my insides are all so twisted up. The moment I start to picture it I feel like it’s so far away and there’s no way I will get there. Some times there are these moments where I believe in my future like I once did. In these moments there’s nothing you could tell me to make me stop believing. However, in those moment’s I can’t see anything more than a glimmer of hope. So, I believe, I believe in what I can’t see. I believe in all things I once knew to be true. Other times all I seem to see is darkness in me has taken over and that glimmer of hope inside of me fades. Everything that I seemed to believe in starts to feel like a lie and I find myself in the lost place all over again.

The thing I hate about this is I don’t know how I got here. How did the once strong, confident, full of clarity me turn get so lost. How is it that I can’t seem to find myself. I try to retrace my steps and think back in patterns the same way one does when one’s keys or glasses are lost or misplaced. However that doesn't work for me. It’s not that simple. I can’t just journey back in my mind to where I lost myself and pick back up where I left off. It’s not the same as finding my glasses I can’t just find myself where I once was and thing go back to how they were. 

After long lonely days and nights of searching within myself I began to find the times and moments where I “lost myself”. I began to see so clearly the moments where things began to get blurry and fuzzy. I came to a realization that I did not and still do not want to accept. I away pieces of myself and I accepted less than what I was worthy of because I didn't want to hurt someone else I became okay and returned to old habits in a different form. I was okay with hurting myself to make other people feel better. I was okay with ignore clear warning signs of things that I knew weren't oaky. I was okay with accepting lies and walking away from I knew was right and good for me. I thought it was okay to temporarily sacrifice parts of who I was for something I knew wouldn't last, for something I knew was less than. I gave myself away to people and things that I knew deep down weren’t good and would destroy me. 

The question I now ask and would ask myself now is why did I do it? What was it about being in a place of clarity and wholeness wasn’t satisfying to me? What in me felt like it was okay to settle? Why don’t I still have answers? Why has it taken all these years for me find that I lost myself in giving myself away? Why is the revelation of that the clarity that pushes me forward?

[extramadness]

[joyrich92]

Very True

[joyrich92]

Lips Glued Shut

Lately there’s been this question in my mind that has made me realize something about myself that I wasn’t ready to face. It’s something I’ve kind of questioned about myself before and I’ve always been able to come up with an answer that has justified why I continue the behavior. Why can’t I speak up for myself? I don't really have a good answer for this question. I keep asking myself over and over and I don't have an answer. 

When I realized that this is a really big problem for me I was reflecting on a conversation I had at work. I walked away feeling really good about the conversation until I realized that it opened up this small bout of conflicted, confusion in my mind. I was asked “What stops you from bragging on your successes?”. I didn’t have an answer I so I paused with lots of um’s uh’s and oh’s. When I realized how hard that question had hit me I blurted out “Because my hard work should speak for itself. I was raised to be a hard worker and....”. I didn’t bother finishing that sentence because I knew that it wasn’t true and I didn’t have the energy to continue the lie. When I walked away from the conversation I blocked this particular part out and I kept thinking about the rest of the conversation and how good it made me feel. Later on that week I began to reflect on the conversation again and the only think that I could think about was the part that I had tried block out. I felt the weight of that question on heart and in my mind. I knew there was no escaping so I explored it. 

Finding truth takes work. I began to try and trace back the last time I spoke up for something positive I had done in the work place when I couldn't find anything I tried to think of the last time I did it outside of work. I started to feel overwhelmed and a little panicked when I couldn’t think of a time when I spoke our about a positive thing that I had done. I had conversation around what I had done could have been done better but that was it. I couldn’t come up with a time where I spoke up and said I had done a really good job at something. The weight I felt from the question turned into a plummeting rock of disappointment.  

My disappointment made me search out why I had never said anything positive about myself or my work. I started thinking about my childhood and I began to find traces that matched the weight I felt when all of this thinking began. I started to think of times when I was younger and I would try and talk about something I was happy about or something positive about what I did or what I was doing and I didn’t get positive response. I remember always feeling like I wasn’t doing enough. As I began to think of these memories I realized that this plummeting rock of disappointment had sent me into an emotional spiral and I was starting to have a panic attack. 

After all of the panic I began to think that I could find a way to get out of this cycle that I’ve been in for almost my whole life. I figured the only way to stop it is to start speaking up. I decided that the next opportunity I had to speak up about something good that I had accomplished I couldn’t t do it. I tried again and the same thing happened. Each time I tried there as a tightness in my chest and I start to feel like I’m about spiral all over again. I don’t know how to start and speak up for the good things in my life. I feel like my lips are glued shut.

[joyrich92]

I’m Not True

The truth is something I cherish. I always talk about how much I love truth and I try and tell the truth as often as possible. Little white lies make me uncomfortable because I know it’s not the truth. I push for truth in every conversation I have even it’s someone being truthful with me in a way that puts me in a not so positive light. The passion and value I have placed on the truth is a big deal. 

The passion I have for the truth is so strong and undying until I have to face the truth. I have realized recently that I often run from the truth and I don't know why. I always want to face it until I’m staring the truth about myself in the face. At that point all my passion for the truth dies and I want to hide somewhere where I won't be found. How is it possible that something I “love” so much is one of the greatest things that I fear? Why is it that the thing that I hunt for I life and conversation be thing I try to escape within myself?

I running from my truths make me feel as if I have to run from all truth, but running from all truth make me feel like I’m running away from myself. And I can not escape myself or my truths. It’s like a rat running on a wheel, constantly running in circles and cycles that I want to end. Every swift step forward is pushing me toward the truth and time I face the truth I take a swift step away form it only to be met by it again and again. I want it to stop. I need to stop, but the only way to do that is to face the truth which is actually facing truths about myself that I don't think I’m ready to face.

I know I can't run forever. Sooner or later I running will lead me to mirror and the only thing staring back at me with be my truth. The tragic things in life that I never wanted to accept, things that I accepted and tried to hide because it’s not what I wanted for myself, things that I denied in the face of others, and my pride. 

[vanish]

[untrustyou]

[joyrich92]

Puzzle Piece

I think almost everyone has heard of or been in the situation where your doing a puzzle and you think you’ve found the piece that fits but….when you try to fit it in it’s just not quite right. That’s seems to be the story of my life. I’m the puzzle piece fits that looks like it can fit but as soon as I’m put into that place or group of people. It’s just not quite right.

I lately have been realizing that I’m often times surrounded by a lot of people (that I love) and put into lots of gathers, hangouts and situations that I don’t quite fit into. For some reason once I really get placed I realize and feel that I don’t fit or I can’t relate or I’m just truly “not cut out for this”. When I’m in this particular moment or when I get the feeling of not fitting in I find that I don’t know how to properly remove myself. In fact! I don’t know if there is a proper way…

I always wanna do things the right way and as painless as possible life and some relationships have taught me that that’s not how things work. So I’ve found that even thought I can’t make the process of removing myself painless and even though I don’t the “proper” way to come out of that place in the puzzle where I don’t belong. There are some ways I can make it hurt less and some ways that I can ease the pain and learn from the experience.

1. I now know that I don’t belong in that place. • I don’t have to waste time wondering what if or beat myself up over not experiencing or trying something.

2. I can be grateful for the brief contacts and connections that I may have made with others. • Instead of focusing on the fact that I don’t fit in or feel comfortable. I can be grateful for openness and kindness shown to me by the individuals that accepted me into their circle or let me be apart of their activities

3. There’s no need to get down on myself for not fitting in. • Me not fitting in is not a negative reflect of who I am. It does not mean that people don’t like me. It just means that I haven’t yet found the right place and people to be apart of.

4. I have an opportunity to use my experience to find or build a different community to be apart of.

These four points help the process but it does not replace the fact that’s it’s hard find a place on puzzle where I fit. It just means I know what I’m getting into and I can have proper expectations when trying to fit and maybe realizing that I don’t fit