It felt right to write your letter first because I let you down the most, I know I did. You’ll never say it, but I can see it and it’s okay. I know you wanted more for me, everyone wanted more for me, but I suppose this is just the way things are and the choices I’ve made have led me to where I am (note that where I am is writing letters to the people I love while Alice is putting the kids to bed, how admirable of me).
I fucked up big time. I never wrote home enough, not even while dad was here. I thought it would be okay to just not do it because you know, Al and Lily were giving you updates and I’d be home for the holidays, but it wasn’t okay-- not really, anyway. I was distant, I got distracted by things that didn’t matter and family seemed less important, obviously I get what I took for granted now.
When dad went I didn’t write at all, not once. I didn’t respond to your letters, I didn’t even tell the others to send my love and I’m sorry. You needed me to be there, you needed a rock and I wasn’t there. Everyone made excuses for me for a while, ‘oh, his dad is missing give him a break’ or ‘you can’t expect him to just take responsibility like that’ but I knew I was fucking up and I knew that I should have done better. I know I should have done more. I could have been a better son, better brother, better man in the whole situation. But yeah, I’m sorry and it’s a lot easier to write it than say it.
The war... that I’m not sorry about, I’m not. I’m not sorry for fighting for what is right, the way you and dad did. You may have wanted me out of it, but it was my choice. If I die the way my granddad did, the way uncle Fred did, the way any of these great men did then that’s alright with me. Part of me thinks that’s the way I’ve always wanted it and I know that’s the worst thing you can hear but I think war is ingrained in me-- I’m not entirely sure what I’d do without something to fight for and in all honestly as much a peaceful life with Alice and the kids sounds appealing, it doesn’t sound like me.
But you know why I’m writing, things are getting worse and I don’t want to leave things unsaid. If I go, I don’t want you to be angry, I don’t want you to grieve for any longer than you have to, I want you to know that I’m okay with it and you should be too. I know most people are met with ‘your parents must be so proud’ when they throw themselves headfirst into war and I’ve never expected that, you’ve lived it, you know how it is. It’s not pretty, it’s not what you wanted for me, but eh, when have I ever done what I’m told?
I love you.
I do, and I’m sorry for not reminding you often enough.
Just in case you wanted it, Char and I have started a 1x1 for James and Alice because we simply couldn’t let things stop! So, click here if you want to continue following their journey the way we had first planned!
feel free to stay following this blog if you haven’t unfollowed it already, it’s going to be a jalice 1x1 and I know a fair few of you shipped it, so feel free to stalk threads and so on, stay golden x
“James!” she shouted, hoping he could hear her through the door. “Open up.” she shouted as she beat her fist on the door. Even though she could hear footsteps on the other side, she couldn’t wait any longer and she opened up the door. She wrapped her arms tightly around him. “They found him. They found dad.”
Reaching for the doorknob, James’ eyes widened in surprise as his sister threw herself at him, but even that didn’t dismiss the smile on his face. “I know,” he muttered into her hair, giving her a tight squeeze. “I was just about to come and find you, but I thought you might be in lessons.. why aren’t you in lessons?”
Victoire appeared in front of James’ flat, banging on the door to wake him up. It was mid morning but he was probably asleep still and hadn’t seen the news. He needed to see this. “James, get your lazy arse up! This is important!”
Groaning, James awoke to banging, summoning just enough energy to drag himself towards the door and open it. "What?” He questioned groggily, running a hand through his bed hair. “What is so bloody important that you’re practically knocking my door down?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know, mate. It’s not like I expected this to happen. I like girls and… you’re not one.” He finished off. It was true but here he was, sitting beside the person he’d fallen for. Fuck this. “Why not you? Yeah you’re a mess but you’re literally everything I’ve ever wanted.” Fuck this even more. Just shut up Frank. Say it was a joke or something. Haha we kissed. I got you. It’s because Alice is my sister… nothing more. Fuck.
James’ stomach churned at that statement, he didn’t want this, he didn’t need this. Perhaps in the past he relished a little too much in the people that fell for him, but there was no pride in this, his best friend was hurting and he felt nothing but sick. Remaining silent, he dragged his gaze away, swallowing the lump in his throat when he thought Frank couldn’t see. “But you know.. you know that this doesn’t change anything, right?”
Though Alice wasn’t a keen fitness person, she tired her best to eat healthy and have moderate exercise. She wasn’t the tidiest of creatures but was well proportioned and naturally curvy in the places society deemed ‘normal’. Though she wasn’t self-conscious of her looks, Ally knew that an average girl next to a Quidditch player didn’t look very natural. She, understandably, never wanted to voice this concern to James because she already knew what he’d say. So, she simply pushed it to the back of her mind. “Besides, I’m not with you because of your looks… though, they do help a little,” she teased, flashing him a grin as she picked up her tea.
Nibbling nervously on her lip, Alice nodded. She could see why Harry might worry; she worried about James and his antics, even though Alice was completely supportive of the anti-magi movement and what her future involvement might be. She wanted to help secure herself and her family a safe future and that meant taking risks, just like her father had done. “Oh, and that’s not a depressing matter or awkward conversation either?” she questioned, slowly lowering herself to sit beside James. Leaning into his side, Ally blew at her tea. Her head nodded once. “I knew, yes, but I only found out just before he went and spoke to you – I’m assuming he did?”
“They help me a lot,” he grinned, “I’m hoping that whenever you’re pissed off at me, you just remember how good looking I am and let me get away with it.” James wasn’t insecure in his appearance, not at all, though the same couldn’t be said about other aspects of him, his abilities and traits were always things he could question. Leaning forward to check whether the tea was still too hot, he recoiled with a sigh, glancing back at Alice. “This actually needs discussing though.. probably, it does need talking about, doesn’t it?” Frowning slightly, he shook away his confusion and draped his arm around her, pulling her into his embrace.
Running his free hand through his hair, James was unsure what to say in regards to the matter, so he simply nodded. “Yeah..” he muttered, his speech trailing off as he become felt himself recluse further into himself. “I didn’t know, I honestly had no clue and I don’t think he did either.” Chewing down on his lip, his gaze shifted to Alice, searching her for some form of judgement or disappointment. He couldn’t help but blame himself a bit, wonder if he’d ever given Frank the wrong idea with how comfortable he was with their friendship. Gently running his fingers along her side, his next few words tumbled from his lips without thought. “Do you think it’s my fault?”
“Oh, silly thing,” she tutted in regards to James’ generally health and lack of exercise. Of course, the thought had crossed her mind how his poor diet might have effected his appearance and the body he currently possessed in the long run but Ally didn’t want to voice her opinion. She liked what she saw when she had James alone and shirtless; he was, to put it simply, easy on the eye. Flashing him a smile she continued, “I doubt you’ll lose it all over night; just go for a run later on.”
The water was boiled and Ally slowly decanted it into her tea pot to brew for a moment. She left the sugar on the side in case James wanted it; she never encouraged him to have sugar. “So, you have me to lose?” she pointed out, raising a brow in his direction. “Unfortunately for you I don’t plan on walking away any time soon. Sorry!” As the conversation grew a little more serious, Alice turned to provide James her full attention. She had seen the newspapers and read the news regarding Mr Potter; she was thrilled, of course, for James and his family but still a little worried. “Give it time and it’ll settled down. And I doubt he’ll care too much as long as he’s happy that you’re happy with what you’re doing, helping Teddy.” She returned to the tea making, pouring the hot liquid over the milk; Ally gathered the jug of milk once more to make sure the balance was just right before pushing a mug towards James.
“I know,” he sighed, “I’ll get back into routine soon enough.” Truth be told, he wouldn’t give himself much choice in the matter. He could be quite determined when he wanted to be and when he set his mind on something, it wasn’t something he’d just let slip, after all, it was how he’d gotten this far in terms of health in the first place. Chuckling softly at her comment, he simply nodded. “Good, it’d be just a bit awkward for everyone involved if you decided you’d had enough already.”
His gaze wandered down to stare at the counter as the topic shifted entirely to Harry and he did his best to avoid her eyes. “Yeah, well,” he started, “I don’t think he’ll be entirely pleased to find me doing what got him kidnapped in the first place.” With a sigh, he finally looked back up at her. “But it’s depressing, I don’t want to talk about it.” Forcing a smile onto his features, he moved his mug to the coffee table before falling back into the sofa, patting the spot beside him. “C’mere,” he urged, opening his arms for her to come and cuddle up to him. “As much as I don’t really want to discuss this either, we probably need to talk about Frank. You knew, didn’t you?”
Though she was happy to make the tea, there was a faint frown creasing Alice’s smooth forehead at the mention of James not eating properly. “You know you ought to cook, too, you don’t want to loose that lovely little chin of yours, do you?” she questioned, lifting a hand so her finger squeezed at his chin. “Or you can also pop over here for tea now and then? I’ll be happy to set the pots up with something.”
Pulling away from the boy, Ally wondered over to her kitchen. In the process, she pulled a rubber band from around her wrist and tied her hair up into a loose, messy bun. With a flick of her wrist, the kettle that was sat on top of an iron coaster started to boil on her counter top. Fishing out two mugs and her tea pot, Alice made herself busy whilst she spoke. “Uni’s good; busy and tiring but good. It’s a new kinda challenge which I’m slowly starting to believe I can do,” she answered, splashing some milk into the mugs. “As for people, well, one of the professor’s is rather dashing,” there was an obvious tone to her voice that showed James she was merely teasing him. “But the people on the course seem nice enough; a little boring though. But how’s things with you? Been up to much?”
“I’m fine,” he assured her with a gentle smile and really, he was. Of course, he could be eating slightly better but that was out of laziness rather than incapability, eventually he’d get into the swing of things. “It’s my chin you’re worrying about?” James questioned, amusement settled onto his features as she gripped at his face. “Frankly, I’m more concerned about the abs.. and the arms, back and pretty much everything else too, I haven’t even considered working out this week, I’m a sham.”
James watched her intently as she moved about the kitchen, sometimes he wasn’t even aware he was doing it, but as of late he always seemed to be watching her, appreciating her and the little things she did. “You’ll get used to it soon enough,” he mused, frowning slightly as he watched her put the milk in first, he didn’t object though, Alice always made the best tea. “Is that so? I always knew I’d lose you to an older bloke.” His amusement faded at her question and a sigh slipped his lips. “Admittedly not too much, all of this anti-magi shit seems to go on at silly o’clock, so I’m either sleeping or going out of my mind with boredom during the day. I’m just a tad worried that dad is going to prod me towards uni as soon as he’s back in action, if he’s ever back in action that is.. they still haven’t let me see him, you know.” Realising he was beginning to ramble, James merely rolled his shoulders in a shrug. “But he’s home and that’s what matters, I suppose.”
Moving to allow James to pass, Ally’s eyes remained on him as he looked around her new home. Turning to continue to gaze upon the male, Alice’s heel made contact with the door that she kicked close softly; she waited there for a moment to allow James the time to take in what she had done to the flat. It was only simple, plainly dressed and decorated but there were several homely items like photographs, books, and pillows that she had places around the main living space. It was nice or at least Alice liked it; it was enough for her at the moment.
Moving over towards the boy, Ally took his hand and allowed him to pull her body into his arms. “You seem to make it a little brighter in here; it’s very nice indeed,” she replied with a soft smile, snaking her arms up and around his neck. Pushing herself up onto her toes, Alice pressed a light kiss to James’ lips before dropped back into her original position. “Tea?” she asked just like she had done many times before. “There’s probably cake, too; mum made me some for a congratulation on your new home thing.”
“Oh, really?” He questioned, a smug smile working its way onto his features as he gazed down at her with his typical look of amazement and adoration he had when he saw her. Accepting her kiss with a content sigh, James decided that it had been far too long since he’d last seen her, he didn’t want to have to play it cool and wonder whether it was acceptable to pop around when he felt like it, this was Alice and he knew he was being daft. “That’d be incredible,” he grinned, “I’ll pass on the cake though, I’ve been practically living on cake and pub food since I moved here, it’s too much effort to cook every day.”
Unwinding his arms from her, he ambled towards the kitchen area, he eyes still taking in the new surroundings. It was strange to think Alice lived here now, he was awfully fond of the Leaky Cauldron, but he figured he could certainly get used to the freedom here. Leaning on the counter, he ran a hand through his hair. “So how’s uni? Meet anyone you fancy?” James teased, amusement creeping onto his features as he raised an eyebrow at her. It was nice to be able to joke about it and know that really she only had eyes for him, it was a nice contrast to his usual experiences with girls.
Lectures, tutorials, ice breakers and textbook chapters. Alice’s first week as a university student was one to make anyone pull their hair out and cry into a large mug of tea with chocolate biscuits. She had tried to keep her smile in place and her priorities in order by making sure she had unpacked her belongings in her small one bedroom flat before her induction week starter. The little place above the old second hand book store that she now called her own was enough for Ally and anyone coming to visit. Being alone was hard but Ally knew that she had people to call upon.
Hearing the knock at the door, a frown creased her brow. She wasn’t expecting anyone though she had a feeling who it might have been. Pulling the door open, Ally smiled upon seeing the male stood before her; his voice was like music to her ears. “Not too bad, but all the better now you’re here,” she beamed up at him. “Come on, come see what it’s like in here!”
Despite attempting to maintain his facade, it quickly slipped away upon hearing her speak, a boyish grin stretching across his lips instead. ‘All the better now you’re here’, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever get used to someone being so happy to see him. Suddenly it was as though her excitement was his and all the negative emotions he had towards his new life had just been washed away.
“Alright, alright,” he teased as he weaved past her, wearing an expression of feigned boredom as he stepped further into the room. Turning back for a moment to take in the look on her face, a smile returned to his features as his eyes wandered around the flat. Digging his hands into his pockets, he peered into the rooms as he passed them, seemingly impressed. Unlike his flat, Alice’s actually looked like it belonged to her, it looked homely rather than a place to just sleep and eat. “It’s nice,” he admitted, reaching out to take her hand and pull her to him, his arm draping around her waist. “But like you said, it’s better now that I’m here.”